prisonbreak Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I have a question for the men who did the dumping, but it was still very painful for you. Was it hard to start dating again? We have been in NC for 17 days now and I'm sure he's already dating. I know this break up has been hard on him too. We were engaged, were living together, did everything together, spent 4 yrs together. So, is it hard going out with someone else? What went thru your mind when you were out on dates? How long after did you start dating again? Would you compare? Any insight into a guys mind regarding this would be helpful! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I would love to hear some imput on this also. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 iNput...iNput...iNput! i keep seeing this misspelled on here. you guys don't want people to put IM advice to your problem, you want them to put IN advice! it's a simple compound word. okay, now that the english major part of me is out of the way, i'd like an answer to this question too. with love, OCD sedgwick. Link to post Share on other sites
sandflea Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Well, I did the dirty deed, and no - I'm not dating yet. I actually re-lived many of the terrible feelings of remorse, grief and hopelessness that I experienced right after my divorce when I called it off. I became VERY depressed, hit the booze, etc. This after I called it off. I think I'll eventually get back into the pond, but right now I still have all of the emotions running around, etc. Sure, I'm lonely, but in a way I think that's a terrible time to start dating - I'm not grounded enough yet. The last thing I want is a rebound. So, I may not be typical, but - no - I'm flying solo until maybe this summer. I called it off about 6 weeks ago. SF Link to post Share on other sites
onmyownagain Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I left my wife and believe me, I am not ready to date. I think it depends on the reason you leave, if it is because you have someone waiting then it is easier than if you leave because you just can't be there any more, then the being the dumper is just like being the dumpee. Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 My recent breakup was mutual (with me extending the last attempt at reconciliation), but I was the dumper during my last ltr break up. At that time, I was 30 and I did run right out and date other women within days of the breakup. Most of my dating at the time was just running around being single again and trying to have fun. While in this mode, I didn't really do much comparing, because I wasn't really looking for a woman like the one I just left - in essence, I was just being an idiot. As I would find out a few months later (and still 13 years later) the women I ended up with were no comparison to the woman I left. Too late to reconcile (I gave it a good couple of tries and then honored her request to just stay friends), I settled for a lesser relationship that only lasted about 2 years. I only have one word to describe what that break up meant for me during the following 7 years - REGRET. I may have ran out the door thinking life was bunches of fun (and I did date a couple of very beautiful women before the reallity of the huge loss set in), but it all came crashing down when my ex at that time started dating someone else and I realized that she was no longer heartbroken over losing me. I had no idea how much losing her for good would hurt me because I had numbed myself during the first few months of our separation (by drinkin, dancin and partyin with new girls). I have no idea what your current dumpers will go through right now because I think it depends on the reasons they left and what they are looking for on their own. But in my case, I exhausted every bit of support I had with friends and family at the time, went through a solid year of therapy and had two short and bad relationships to show for the 5 years following that break. Basically, it took me about 8 years to forgive myself and be ready for a new loving relationship in my life. That one has just ended and I am on my own now, but I made different mistakes this time Link to post Share on other sites
Author prisonbreak Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks dfreeman. I was the one who made the horrible mistake, yes...I did the unspeakable! I don't blame him for leaving and I feel like i'll live my entire life with REGRET. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks guys for the INPUT. I don't want to spell it wrong on here...the spelling cops might catch me. BTW sedge a sentence starts with a capital letter not a lower case letter as you did. Makes me wonder what my husband is thinking right now??? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I know, I'm so lazy with using caps on the internet! I stand corrected! It's just...I saw the word "imput" three times today before having my coffee! I also someone use "coltasack" for CUL DE SAC!!! Horses in bags at the end of the street. It was more than I could take. Link to post Share on other sites
realgone Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 the gender issues seem to be incidental to the character issues. in the past, when i was younger and less mature, i've dumped girls and gone right into dating and sex and even new relationships. in my experience, when you rush on it feels good to have that bandaid, to not feel alone, but i never properly got over my exes and there were always big complications with the new girls because of it. now that i'm a bit older and wiser, i couldn't even imagine rushing right into something else after a long-term relationship. it just seems childish and insecure and very unfair to the new girl. every real relationship, the ones that involve real intimacy, love, some level of cohabitation, all of them teach you about life and about yourself, and you need some space to learn those lessons when it's over. it's something like growing up, i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
SeraBella Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I know, I'm so lazy with using caps on the internet! I stand corrected! It's just...I saw the word "imput" three times today before having my coffee! I also someone use "coltasack" for CUL DE SAC!!! Horses in bags at the end of the street. It was more than I could take. lol...did you see the person who was unforfilled? Link to post Share on other sites
sandflea Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 the gender issues seem to be incidental to the character issues. in the past, when i was younger and less mature, i've dumped girls and gone right into dating and sex and even new relationships. in my experience, when you rush on it feels good to have that bandaid, to not feel alone, but i never properly got over my exes and there were always big complications with the new girls because of it. now that i'm a bit older and wiser, i couldn't even imagine rushing right into something else after a long-term relationship. it just seems childish and insecure and very unfair to the new girl. every real relationship, the ones that involve real intimacy, love, some level of cohabitation, all of them teach you about life and about yourself, and you need some space to learn those lessons when it's over. it's something like growing up, i guess. I couldn't have said it better myself. Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 This is what will probably keep my new dating fairly casual for a few months. When you are breaking up after a serious relationship, you have to be incredibly selfish in order to get all fixed up. While it would feel great to have the love of a new woman to make this pain and loneliness go away, it would not be very fair unless she knows the score going in. When I have a long period of NC behind me and can say goodbye in my heart to my ex for good, I'll look for true love again. I can sure tell you one thing, I have two friends that stumbled on the true love of their life shortly after a break up and if that happens to me, I am not going to let this crap in my head stop me from grabbing it! Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks dfreeman. I was the one who made the horrible mistake, yes...I did the unspeakable! I don't blame him for leaving and I feel like i'll live my entire life with REGRET. It took me a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time to forgive myself, but I eventually found some use for all the regret. Over time, I was able to keep that woman as something very beautiful that I was lucky to have in my life for a while, but even luckier to have in my heart forever! As the years went on, I was able to end bad relationships because I refused to settle. If you can recall from stories of my recent break up, I did some bad things to sabotage the relationship that I am not real proud of, but I feel that I did some very thorough soul-searching to make sure that I was not walking away from the love of my life again. Sure, I have some regret and feel that this one could have been wonderful with a little counselling and compromise, but she was not being the kind of woman that I want to grow old with. Believe me on this - I used my great regret from that past break as a barometer on this one, and I am certain that I am not making the same mistake again. Link to post Share on other sites
BrianG Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 very curious dfreeman about how/why or what let you forgive yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 lol...did you see the person who was unforfilled? No, but I've seen people who were every possible misspelling of "definitely" "devastated." <--note to all: correct spelling. okay, enough thread hijacking, i'm done now. big loves to the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 very curious dfreeman about how/why or what let you forgive yourself? I was only able to forgive myself after I looked at some issues I had to deal with that had nothing to do with her or what I thought were the reasons I left her. I eventually realized that I would have probably left any woman at that time in my life? Funny thing is, she was such a beautiful person that she probably would have helped me through any emotional crap I could have thrown at her? I finally quit kicking myself for meeting her BEFORE I sorted some of that stuff out. If you are asking because you feel that you may someday have to forgive yourself for screwing things up - like it or not, you screwed up because you were not ready to not screw up! When you finally get through NC and stop hoping that this one can be fixed, get busy identifying what it was about you that let a great person walk out of your life and fix that, I guess? My only consolation lately is that I am no longer that selfish and self-centered person and I haven't repeated that mistake since. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prisonbreak Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Dfreeman, Yeah I bet you miss her, but you got yourself (your true self, a better self) as an outcome, so all is not lost, right? So, I guess you could look at it as a gift. Am I on the right track? Your right, I would have mucked up any relationship I was in at the time. So, now that you learned/grew from that relationship, did she ever feel like she was just a guienie pig for you? That's what my ex said. That he was crushed, just so I could learn and grow as a person? It's hard because I don't know what his blessing is in all of this. Maybe it's to not be married to me. I guess it's none of my business what he got out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) prisonbreak, i just came from seeing my therapist, where i cried for the 90 millionth hour about my breakup. i expressed my belief that he only pretended to love me so that when he dumped me i'd learn my lesson once and for all about how i wasn't worth loving. i told her i sometimes thought my previous therapist was lying to me too, that she HAD to tell me i was worth something because that was her JOB. and my shrink told me i was being delusional. she asked me what i had to look forward to, and i said, "to the possibility that if i work really hard on myself he might speak to me again one day." she then attempted, for the 90 millionth hour, to remind me that there was other good stuff going on in my life. and i know there is, but it's so hard to see when all i feel about myself is what HE feels about me -- or rather, what i THINK he feels about me. so maybe this is part of what you're doing too. what do you have in your life that you get up and look forward to every day? when i force myself to answer that question honestly, i look forward to dancing. so that's ONE thing in my life that brings me total joy. i think you have to find that one thing too. believe me, i know how you feel, and i know how hard it is, and my heart absolutely goes out to you. really. do you know for a fact that he's with someone else, or is that just what you're telling yourself? because in my mind my ex has a damn HAREM at his disposal now, but everyone else tells me that's probably not true. dfreeman, why didn't you go back and tell her you realized what you'd lost?? it just confuses me to no end to think that you actually did have reasons to break up with her, and then you realized those reasons were wrong, because you weren't healthy at the time. so why didn't you go back to her once you'd worked out your own issues? it could be that her heart is still totally crushed over you, and that all she wants is to have you back. Edited February 13, 2008 by sedgwick Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 dfreeman, why didn't you go back and tell her you realized what you'd lost?? it just confuses me to no end to think that you actually did have reasons to break up with her, and then you realized those reasons were wrong, because you weren't healthy at the time. so why didn't you go back to her once you'd worked out your own issues? it could be that her heart is still totally crushed over you, and that all she wants is to have you back. Hi SW, Sorry you missed it in that long post, but I did try to reconcile twice about 8 months after the break. She had already moved on and told me, "I am not in love with you anymore". Before she said that, I was trying hard and trying to spark things up again, but once she said it, I couldn't ask her again. You see, the very best thing about being with her was the way she loved me and how much she was in love with me - knowing that was gone took all the wind out of my sails and I had to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Dfreeman, Yeah I bet you miss her, but you got yourself (your true self, a better self) as an outcome, so all is not lost, right? So, I guess you could look at it as a gift. Am I on the right track? Yes, you are on the right track! Link to post Share on other sites
Author prisonbreak Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Sed- Thanks, that came at a perfect time, because I feel like I'm crashing down at the moment. Your right, all I'm focusing on is what HE thinks of me. That I'm a piece of work, a horrible horrible person. I wish sorry was enough. I wish all the months of counseling was enough, all wish all the sh*t load of books i've read were enough, I wish all my tears were enough, I wish all my prayers were enough, I wish all my letters were enough, I wish finally finding my reason of why I did it was enough for him to forgive me and want to make this work. Im just trying to accept that the damage is done and there is nothing I can do about it. Gosh that sucks so bad! And now I'm bawling like a baby!! Which is probably good, because I haven't cried all week, I was due. The thing is I'm not a horrible person. Your right, I need to find out what brings me joy. I know sitting all day at this darn computer isn't bringing me joy. No, I don't know if he's with someone else. He told me he was in no place to date anyone, that he's so broken. That maybe when he builds his self confidence back up and is ready to date again, he'll look me up and see where I'm at. My mind just starts to go there, cause he's a guy and I know he's going out alot, drinking to numb the pain. Where we are from, there are so many single girls, it's easy for a guy to get one. So my mind just jumps to him numbing the pain with another gal. I need to get a grip. Wow, I'm feeling much better now...thanks Sed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prisonbreak Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 OK Dfreeman, that was just a huge wake up call!!!!! I don't think he can ever love me the same again, that was the best part for me too. I need to just accept it....ouch! He would have done anything for me, he loved me so much. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Hi SW, Sorry you missed it in that long post, but I did try to reconcile twice about 8 months after the break. She had already moved on and told me, "I am not in love with you anymore". Oops, I'm sorry! I went back and tried to find the post you were talking about and couldn't. My apologies. Had she fallen out of love with you already when you dumped her, or was she still in love with you at the time? Prisonbreak, tell me right now: what is one thing you've always dreamed of doing but haven't done yet? Let's figure out a plan to get you doing that thing, missy! Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Dfreeman, Yeah I bet you miss her, but you got yourself (your true self, a better self) as an outcome, so all is not lost, right? So, I guess you could look at it as a gift. Am I on the right track? Yes, you are on the right track - after I got over the fact that I let such a good thing get away, I viewed my time with her and my desire to improve myself in the aftermath as a huge gift. Just be careful not to put the person you lost on too much of a pedestal - it is highly probable that the next great partner you have will be nothing like that person? Enough of this old heartache - I have my most recent misery to tend to Link to post Share on other sites
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