Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) I am worried about my best friend and her marriage. She’s been married only 14 months now, and I have learned from our mutual best friend (who’s married) that she’s not happy. BFF knows that I am not the biggest fan of her husband – I’ve never told her this directly, but she knows. However, I tolerate him and support them and put on a fantastic show because she loves him. I’m also single, so I can understand why she’d choose not to discuss this issue with me, and instead rely on our mutual friend for advice and discussion. So, some background... They are both 29, met in college. They had been dating 4.5 years when he proposed. She had been waiting/expecting the proposal for the 1.5-2 years prior. She wasn’t willing to leave the relationship, despite not getting what she needed out of it, because she felt like it would have been a “waste of time” in dating him and really wanted to be married by the time she was 30. During the entire first year or so of their relationship, he prohibited her from telling anyone that they were together. When she told one of their mutual friends, they broke up for a few days. He also told her during their 3rd year that he would leave her if the frequency of sex didn’t increase. At that time, they were having sex about once every two weeks. She was on Depo, I suggested she stop and they use some form of hormone-free birth control. She did, and their sex life drastically improved. Since then, during a fun girls-night-out dinner, she said that they have sex about once or twice a month now, and said, “That’s normal though for married people.” Our mutual friend, who was then 5 months pregnant, said, “Well, we’re having sex 8 times a month right now – and I’m pregnant!” My BFF seems to think once or twice a month is normal for a newlywed couple. In the months leading up to the wedding, there were at least 3 times/arguments where they discussed that perhaps they shouldn’t bother going through with the wedding. They have fought so much during the past year that within 5 months after their wedding she was calling mutual married friends to ask if it’s supposed to be this hard. During one of the arguments, she wanted to bite him because he was blocking her way. Instead, she pushed him down the stairs. During a personal very serious family crisis in May and June of last year, he left her to go on vacation with a friend to watch some baseball games across the country. She was left to deal with the crisis all alone, without the support of her other family (who are just either jerks or unavailable). Dealing with this involved her driving 100 miles to and from her very ill father every weekend for the entire summer, and working her a$$ off to earn more money so as to be able to get him into a rehab home. Husband went with her on only one occasion, after a huge argument where she complained about his lack of support. In other words, he went begrudgingly. They have very separate bank accounts. She makes 30% of their total income, he makes 70% (just making these numbers up on estimates). They split everything – bills, rent, furniture purchases, vacations – according to this ratio. He has his car, she has hers. There is virtually no sharing. They lead separate lives. He does his thing, she does hers, and they make plans to spend time together – the way you would if you were still dating. Prior to marriage, she did not want to change her name (she is the last of her name in her entire family) and questioned ever having children. She has now changed her name and wants to start trying to get pregnant!! Should I say anything? If so, what?? Edited February 13, 2008 by Star Gazer Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Just from my personal experience I wouldn't say much of anything.... My best friend has a pretty horrible relationship with her H. They've separated 3 times in 7 years and are currently reconciling right now. And I totally see her bending over backwards to please her H - all their credit card debt is in her name, for example, and there have been stretches of time as long as 2 years where my friend's H has not worked at all and was completely dependent on my friend to support them. It pisses me off to no end. During their second separation I was more vocal about my objections. I just want her to be happy! Ultimately I got shot in the foot on that one - when they inevitably reconciled, I was the bad guy and didn't speak with my friend for over a year. Now I just keep my mouth shut. Whenever she brings up her H I allow the expression of disgust to beam from my face, and other than that I say nothing. I have asked her to speak less of her H and their relationship, and have communicated that I don't believe she's making the best choices. I think that for the most part, when people are "in love" they overlook their partner's faults and react defensively when their partner is criticized. You're between a rock & a hard place - damned if you do say anything, and damned if you don't. It sucks. But when it comes to friends/family and their romantic relationships, unless there is overt abuse going on, sometimes it is best to just say nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 As wacked as the relationship sounds I think it would be next to impossible to say something to your friend and not have her become resentful about it. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I'm going to agree with blind. I was in a similar situation a few years back with a friend of mine. I was there to suporrt her and love her even though I didn't care for the way her H treated her. Then one day I gave my 2 cents becasue I was very concerned at how miserable she was. I was then dropped kicked to the curb all because I came clean in how I truly felt. I got my name dragged through the mud and told I was all up in their business even though she came to me often and confided in me about what was going on. Its been close to 3 years now, and she still has nothing to do with me. Its sad really, because she pretends so hard to make it appear things are really good between them, when really its not. There is nothing I can do. They will either, continue to live the way they do, or not. But, sometimes it really is best not to say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 But, sometimes it really is best not to say anything. Unless someone (a spouse or child) is in physical danger, I would amend that to say "always" it is best not to say anything . There's not much upside... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I wouldn't say anything either. My friend was dating this wack job loser and she would ask me what I thought. So I told her one day. akward and our friendship was strained until the relationship ended. It sucks too because all her friends hated this guy. but you can't say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Unless someone (a spouse or child) is in physical danger, I would amend that to say "always" it is best not to say anything . There's not much upside... Mr. Lucky Yep depends on the situation I agree. Should have added that I guess. Unless there is some kind of abuse going on, other than that, might be best to say nothing. In my friends case there was some abuse going on, not really physical so much, but other forms, but abuse is abuse to me. And once I said what I needed to say, I got booted as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Keep your muth shut. He isnt doing anything to hurt her or disrespect her, so it isnt any of your business or your concern!!! I hate meddling friends who give the wrong advice. Oh go and have an affair you aint receiving the love at home, oh dont worry your husband will take care of the OM;s baby. Oh it's okay to steal half his bank account and bounce when you want something else. Give me a break. If you dont have the whole story then dont open your mouth. I mean sounds to me like she's very selfish and too immature to be married. Maybe he realizes that, and that is why he doesnt spend time with her. But it's up to her to do her part in the marriage by being his wife. I would have real serious hurt feelings if she didnt want to take my name and didnt want to have my kids. I would so not have gotten married to her. She's too independant for her own good and if that's the case why get married? Just something to do huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Well, she pushed him down the stairs, people... Isn't that reflective of something very, very not-right? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Well, she pushed him down the stairs, people... Isn't that reflective of something very, very not-right? Yeah, but believe me - even if she comes to you bitching about him, she's just as likely to turn on you for even agreeing with her. Say what you will, but just be prepared for the fall out. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeLemonade Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I know it's very hard to bite your lip and not try to "help" but in most cases as the previous posts have shown, it will bite you in the butt. Some people thrive on the conflict, and some people just don't have the guts to leave. Still others want to make a good "showing" of it, and not leave too soon. 3 years or more seems to be the going time span for making a good show of it before calling it quits on a bad marriage, based on what I have seen. If things get (more) violent, then step in if ASKED. If not, I would try to be a friend in other ways, be supportive of her (just in general) and try to make sure her esteem isn't getting blown in this whole mess. She will need it when the time comes that she can't take this anymore, unfortunately she will probably be loaded down with a toddler or two when that happens and while I am sure the kids will be a wonderful addition to her life, they will only complicate things and make it harder to split. Maybe suggest MC, to help them both become better people/spouses for eachother, but that would be as far as I would go, right now anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I would say that talking to her won't help HER situation, she knew what she was getting into when she married him. I understand it will make you feel better, but it could and most likely would hurt your friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I too, have gone through this experience as well. And just when I thought I was being helpful and thought she would appreciate my concern, I got bit in the a$$ by the whole thing. I guess I had to live and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
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