Impotence is destroying my youth (a bit long)

[kboykb]

Impotence has lurked around in my life ever since I was 16, sadly. I was sexually molested as a child and I read that over half tend to have sexual problems as adults, but this really isn't cool. (I'm 22 now)

 

It usually happens with "pretty" girls. I'm sorry if that sounds rude, but it's really the truth. Lately I've noticed that my past few partners haven't really been what I wanted them to be. I have trouble meeting girls, so sometimes I just "take what i can get". Overall my standards have gone down. My first girlfriend was a beautiful girl, but ever since we've broken up I haven't been intimate with one girl that could hold a candle to her. Even so, while we were together for the 4 years I constantly wondered "why do I have a girl like this? She's too perfect.." - and so of course I had a lot of e.d. problems with her. It took us about 5 or 6 tries before we successfully had sex because of it.

 

It's not "performance anxiety". Once I'm in, I'm in - I've been complimented in the bed. It's also not a size problem. Instead of thinking "can I please her" I think more along the lines of "will I be able to get it up? Or keep it up?"

 

I usually get an erection when things start up, but instead of focusing on her and enjoying myself my mind is going through a jumble of thoughts (like I said above) that causes my penis to either not become fully hard enough to penetrate, or lose the erection all together. The bad thing is, once it gets to the point where I've lost my erection, I *can't* get it back up. Last night I had to pretend that I left my condom in the car, I went outside, sat in the car for 5 minutes trying to get it back up, but it stayed in its flaccid state. I tried to calm myself, slow my breathing, ease my heart, but it was all to no avail. I ended up saying I forgot my condoms at home.

 

That excuse can only work once. I feel terribly embarrassed telling a girl that I can't get an erection. The even worse part is that I had the girl completely naked last night, then I pulled that stunt. I can only imagine how bad that must feel for her.. it feels like such a letdown. I'm just ashamed of myself.

 

------------------------------------ (this is just extra info, not really necessary to read)

 

I know that a lot of people might think that if you keep putting yourself in that same position over and over that it may fix itself eventually, but it's hard going through that feeling. It's an egotistical, mental and emotional slap in the face. Plus the girl may stop talking to you once she realizes what the problem is.

 

The problem I think is this. I feel like once I successfully have sex with a pretty girl, I'll be able to do a sigh of relief. Like I'm seeing the girl as a stepping stone or something. It's really hard to explain, maybe I Just need counseling..

Edited February 13, 2008 by kboykb