Is there a future, how can this be saved?

[dallascitichic]

My boyfriend and I fell in love and moved very fast but he set the pace for our relationship. He told me he was in love with me on New Years and gave me a promise ring. A week ago he took me to a wine bar and proposed to me with his whole family in on the ordeal. The very next morning, he started picking me apart, picked a fight and took his ring back. The day after he took his ring, he gave me the ring back and said how sorry he was but he had just gotten scared and was fine.

 

A week after he proposed, he kept putting off getting my ring sized and I finally pushed the issue last Friday (we were supposed to be meeting with a florist as HE had wanted to be married in April because he knew my lease was up and did not want to wait another six months to a year to get married).

 

When I asked what was going on, he said he felt like we were moving too fast and could not enjoy being engaged because we would be swamped trying to plan a wedding while I am trying to work, take care of my son ad go to school. I overreacted and got very upset because he has gotten cold feet everytime we have passed a major milestone in our relationship. The next morning I apologized and asked when he wanted to move the wedding date back to and told him I was willing to wait longer. He now says he wants to just be boyfriend girlfriend again. He says he still loves me and wants to get married and have children but not yet. He asks that I just give him time and reminds me that he has always come around.

 

What makes this so hard is he wants to still be together every day and basically wants everything to be the same but is so scared of having us be "engaged". If he still feels the same way about me and still wants the same things with me, why was it so important to him not to have the title of being engaged? I had already told all of my family, friends and co-workers and now I feel humiliated and rejected. I still have only told my family and a few close friends what he did because I am hoping he will realize that he made a rash decision out of fear.

 

He even jokes all the time that he wishes we would have an accident and get pregnant because it would be easier for him not to have to make the decision. I am so resentful that he called the engagement off completely rather than just push back the date and it also leaves me in complete limbo because I have no idea what to do about my lease. How can he claim he loves me and yet me so scared to even be engaged to me? The ring he got me was rather expensive and I would have thoght he would have gotten cold feet then if he had doubts.. If he still feels the same way and wants the same things, why is it so scary for him to have a ring on my finger? He was so excited that he took me looking at rings twice and wanted to get married as soon as I could plan a wedding and now he has done a 180.

 

It is really hard for me not to bring it up or make snotty comments because I am so hurt and angry. Why did he change his mind so suddenly and why does being engaged scare him so much when he was so in love and wanted to do this a week ago? Now, when I push the issue he feels further away and like he wants it less and less the more he knows I want him to change his mind.

 

Where do I go from here and how do I get over the resentment and act like the engagement never happened but still move forward and be affectionate. I find myself wanting to punish him and show him I can be happy without him or that he could lose me but I know that is not healthy. I cannot seem to be as affectionate to him as I once was because all I can think of is what he did and why, I am pushing him away and planning my future without him in it which I know will not fix things. I don't know how to get that bond and trust back that I feel like he has broken because he got scared. Im lost and confused. Valentines day was supposed to be our big date night and I know I will be sad if we are not together but I will also be sad on our romantic date thinking about the future we should be having but where we are now. I think things would have been great if he could just get over his fear but he thinks he did the right thing by calling in completely off rather than just pushing it back..

[britchick]

I thought I'd post a reply because I could see you hadn't had any!!

 

I don't know how useful this advice is going to be but I think what I would do is try to set the pace myself. While he is changing his mind left, right and centre, you are left with a feeling of being completely out of control of your own life and you need to have that control back.

 

No matter what he says, he obviously isn't really ready for engagement/marriage. Perhaps you need to make the decision that you are to remain boyfriend/girlfriend for now. Try not to worry about what other people think, that can cause so many problems! Keep your lease and don't allow an 'accident' to happen!

 

How long have you two been together?

 

Good luck.

[HisLove]

I totally agree with britchick. YOU need to take control here, of your life and your son's life. Your son does not have a choice as to what circumstances or lifestyle he is exposed to - he has to deal with whatever the adults put him into. He is your no. 1 priority before your fiancee. That means putting the brakes on being engaged or getting married, and renewing your lease. It's only for 6 months, which is 26 weeks. Hardly forever. I would be telling my daughters that if they can't put a lifetime relationship on hold for a few months, then there is a serious problem somewhere.

 

This sends a clear message to him that while he's dithering around, you are creating stability for yourself and your son.

 

As for telling people about the non-engagement - tell them YOU have put it on the backburner for now while you solidify other things in your life, finish your studies, and prepare your son for a new family. They will think you are the bomb for being in control of your life!! Any more details than that is none of their business.

 

ETA:- You can tell people that the engagement was sprung on you suddenly, you take marriage seriously especially because a child is involved, so you are making sure everyone and everything is right and not rushing into it. People can only admire you for that.

Edited February 19, 2008 by HisLove