girl with non-serious bf

[Phateless]

i'll try to make this short. i have no problem getting other girls but i've been hanging out with this one a lot as friends and i'm getting ready to make a power play.

 

i've known her for years, she's my ex's best friend. my ex has another bf (over a year) so that's no issue.

the girl i like was dating this guy casually, and nobody knew about it, (even me) not even her other best friend, it came out randomly about a month ago. she even said "it's nothing serious." but she did assert she was his gf, which makes me think she doesn't date multiple people at once.

 

since then, dude has moved out of town but he comes back every other weekend. (for salsa instructing, not for her) i was thinking of doing some small gesture for v-day, such as a single red rose and a card on the doorstep (still open to other ideas) but i discovered that the dude will be in town this weekend.

 

she gives mixed signals as far as if she's down for more. i decided it's time to just go for it and if it doesn't fly, i'll figure it out from there.

 

sooo... should i avoid being with them at the same time or should I attempt to one-up him somehow? what's the best way to go about this? they're both master level salsa dancers so i'm at a bit of a disadvantage.

 

Ideas?

Edited February 13, 2008 by Phateless

[Star Gazer]

should I attempt to one-up him somehow? what's the best way to go about this?

 

NO!

 

Let her breakup with her BOYFRIEND on her own, without any suggestion from you, if that's what SHE wants. DO NOT PURSUE someone who is committed to someone else and NOT available, Phate! C'mon now! Would you want some dude to do that to you? Karma! Not only that, but assuming she does take your bait, how would you ever trust that she wouldn't do the same thing to you?

[Phateless]

I kinda don't think they're together anymore because he's out of town. From what I know of him, I strongly doubt he's committed to her. I think they'll hang out when he's in town but I really don't think it's anything official. We don't talk about relationships at all when we hang out, so I don't know anything about what's going on and I don't want to open that door because that's the express lane to the friend-zone.

 

Any other time I would agree with you 100%. My first reaction was "oh, she's taken, guess I'll move on." But now, knowing that he's gone and they only see each other when he's here for salsa instructing anyway, I figured maybe it was worth looking at again.

[Phateless]

well i left a single red rose on her doorstep, with a card on which i wrote an inside joke. it was cute.

[Star Gazer]

I kinda don't think they're together anymore because he's out of town. From what I know of him, I strongly doubt he's committed to her. I think they'll hang out when he's in town but I really don't think it's anything official. We don't talk about relationships at all when we hang out, so I don't know anything about what's going on and I don't want to open that door because that's the express lane to the friend-zone.

 

Any other time I would agree with you 100%. My first reaction was "oh, she's taken, guess I'll move on." But now, knowing that he's gone and they only see each other when he's here for salsa instructing anyway, I figured maybe it was worth looking at again.

 

When my BF left I was still VERY MUCH committed to HIM, regardless if he wasn't to me.

 

Karma, man. I'm really disappointed that you actually went ahead with it.

[Ariadne]

>i was thinking of doing some small gesture for v-day, such as a single red rose and a card on the doorstep (still open to other ideas)

 

Yeah!

 

Go for it Phateless!

 

Go love :love:

[Phateless]

When my BF left I was still VERY MUCH committed to HIM, regardless if he wasn't to me.

 

Karma, man. I'm really disappointed that you actually went ahead with it.

 

Based on nothing but pure intuition I can almost guarantee you that this guy is seeing other girls.

[Ariadne]

Based on nothing but pure intuition I can almost guarantee you that this guy is seeing other girls.

 

You are not "wrong doing" anyone.

 

You are just expressing your feelings.

 

That's great!

[Star Gazer]

Based on nothing but pure intuition I can almost guarantee you that this guy is seeing other girls.

 

Pure intuition? So you've got NO FACTS??!?!

 

Regardless, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

 

SHE is committed to HER relationship. I would be borderline REPULSED by a guy who chased after me KNOWING that I was committed to someone else.

[Phateless]

Pure intuition? So you've got NO FACTS??!?!

 

Regardless, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

 

SHE is committed to HER relationship. I would be borderline REPULSED by a guy who chased after me KNOWING that I was committed to someone else.

 

That's the thing, nothing is known. I'm sorry you feel that way. Even when there's no title if I know that two people are seeing each other and planning to continue for a bit I leave everything alone. The only reason I was going anywhere with this is that I think they might already be done.

[Phateless]

SHE is committed to HER relationship. I would be borderline REPULSED by a guy who chased after me KNOWING that I was committed to someone else.

 

You're making a bigger assumption than I am. You don't know this any more than I do. I understand how you feel and I appreciate it, but I just wanted to send a subtle hint to see if there was more there. If not, at least I have my answer and I can stop thinking about it.

[Star Gazer]

That's the thing, nothing is known. I'm sorry you feel that way. Even when there's no title if I know that two people are seeing each other and planning to continue for a bit I leave everything alone. The only reason I was going anywhere with this is that I think they might already be done.

 

You're making a bigger assumption than I am. You don't know this any more than I do. I understand how you feel and I appreciate it, but I just wanted to send a subtle hint to see if there was more there. If not, at least I have my answer and I can stop thinking about it.

 

You said yourself that she calls herself his GIRLFRIEND. That's what you know. Who are you to decide whether or not it's a good relationship for her, whether her BF is committed to her, etc.?

Edited February 14, 2008 by Star Gazer

[Phateless]

You said yourself that she calls herself his GIRLFRIEND. That's what you know. Who are you to decide whether or not it's a good relationship for her, whether her BF is committed to her, etc.?

 

That was a month and a half ago, BEFORE he moved out of town.

[blind_otter]

Hey, this may be a stupid question, but I gotta ask -

 

Why haven't you just asked her outright what's up with her R?

[tanbark813]

Hey, this may be a stupid question, but I gotta ask -

 

Why haven't you just asked her outright what's up with her R?

 

That's just crazy enough to work!

 

[Phateless]

Hey, this may be a stupid question, but I gotta ask -

 

Why haven't you just asked her outright what's up with her R?

 

lol, good question. Because I don't want her to start sharing relationship details with me because that's the fast-track to the friend zone. I'm trying to stay out of that, but it's quite possibly too late anyway.

[redfathom]

SHE is committed to HER relationship. I would be borderline REPULSED by a guy who chased after me KNOWING that I was committed to someone else.

 

You claim to have people lined up for you and were considering going on a date with someone on VDay after just breaking up with your BF a week earlier. Are you not repulsed by him? You are being awfully hard on phatless, but you never want people to be hard on your for the decisions you make. I think you need to cut him some slack.

[Miyamoto]

:sick::sick::sick::sick: to all this

[Winfield]

lol, good question. Because I don't want her to start sharing relationship details with me because that's the fast-track to the friend zone. I'm trying to stay out of that, but it's quite possibly too late anyway.

 

Why so? Aren't you already her friend anyway? She says it's "nothing serious" with salsa-guy anyway, so, perhaps she's holding out for a guy with whom she wants to get serious with...

 

At least by doing what you've done you'll know one way or the other how she feels!

 

Good luck!

[Phateless]

Why so? Aren't you already her friend anyway? She says it's "nothing serious" with salsa-guy anyway, so, perhaps she's holding out for a guy with whom she wants to get serious with...

 

At least by doing what you've done you'll know one way or the other how she feels!

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks! That's exactly what I was thinking.

[LoveLace]

Well, better sign up for those salsa lessons, to start with. Kidding.

 

If the guy is out of town that much it should be easy to avoid him. I say wait until after the weekend, when he's gone back, and leave the rose on the doorstep-thing. If she isn't giving signals that she's "down for more", it might be because she isn't getting the same signals from you, in other words your not giving her a reason to think about it. Your plan is enough to spell it out to her, without going overboard. I say go for it dude.

 

If it seems to weird her out at all, just back off and give her the room and time to warm up to it. When you see her smile and ask how she's doing but don't lay the flirting on too thick. Just kind of hang back and if she's interested she will initiate something, like flirting or a conversation. Look for signs like flipping her hair or smiling...signs she's at least interested. Eventually you gotta call and ask her out.

[Star Gazer]

SHE is committed to HER relationship. I would be borderline REPULSED by a guy who chased after me KNOWING that I was committed to someone else.

 

You claim to have people lined up for you and were considering going on a date with someone on VDay after just breaking up with your BF a week earlier. Are you not repulsed by him? You are being awfully hard on phatless, but you never want people to be hard on your for the decisions you make. I think you need to cut him some slack.

 

And YOU went out on a date when you were ACTUALLY MARRIED.

 

I am no longer in my relationship, nor was I when I entertained the idea of a date with the new guy (who I went out with last night). In addition, new guy knew FOR A FACT that I was no longer in a relationship when he made his move.

 

Phate is nothing like new guy, nor like my situation.

[LoveLace]

Oh my mistake I thought phate said they just broke up...in that case she's anyone's game. But if she claims it's not "serious", and he's far away, I say she's still game. She's still in a place where she has options. And just because she used the term "girlfriend" doesn't mean she won't date someone else.

[redfathom]

Actually I am STILL married and I never went out on a date with anyone, unless it was my husband, you must be confusing me with someone else.

 

And you said you told "new guy" that you could not go out with him on VD because it's too much pressure not because you just got out of a relationship. And today you post that you are sooo sad because your old BF didn't send you flowers.

 

All I am saying is stop bulling people because you're bitter about your breakup. YOU always complain about how people are picking on you when anyone has something opposite of the advice you WANT to HEAR. Even when they try to give you useful advice, you don't want to hear it. You can be one of the meanest posters on this website so all I am saying is you should show people some compassion.

[Phateless]

Thanks guys. yeah I actually have been doing the salsa lessons for a while and she's given me a lot of tips which have really helped me improve. she's confusing because she flirts for fun with various people, which i see nothing wrong with because i do it too.

 

there are definite mixed signals with me. i'm very aware of most signs of interest and they're pretty free with me. sometimes when walking our hands will brush and she'll hold my hand for a second and let it go, but if i hold her hand, she lets it drop after a few seconds. our hello and goodbye hugs are always long and really tight, etc... so it's tough to read. any time we're sitting together somewhere, cuddling is not an issue. i think most people at salsa already think WE'RE a couple, lol.

 

i've been gradually trying to increase the romantic stuff to help her adjust to the idea that i could be a potential bf. i'm hanging out with her tonight so we'll see what happens.

 

Star Gazer - I respect your opinion, but you don't need to state it over and over. I understand where you're coming from, and I respect it, but I disagree in this situation. If you want to debate with me, feel free, but keep it civil. Do you at least understand the differentiation I'm trying to make? I think you're exaggerating and misunderstanding the type of "relationship" she had with this other salsa guy.