Question to the men/woman... What’s this big ‘MYSTERY’ thing about

[PurpleAngel]

QUESTION:

 

SO… What’s this big ‘MISTERY’ Thing a woman needs to keep with her man so that he doesn’t get bored. I hear people talk about keeping the mystery and they all have a different opinion on what that is, just wondering what that REALLY means to you?

 

~PurpleAngel~

[yes]

i think it means not being boring - i.e. predictable, consistent, fully open.

 

-yes

[Tony T]

Do you buy a book if you already know the material well...or you've heard the story over and over?

 

This isn't just something a woman needs to do....men have to do it as well. It seems that interest seems to maintain itself if neither man or woman operates in an absolute predictable fashion.

 

Women, fortunately, have a built in mechanism for ensuring unpredictablity. It's called PMS. Men have to work at it.

 

People who don't keep some things back, who disclose everything about themselves right off the bat, must find partners who are either simpletons...or who didn't pay a lot of attention.

 

Ultimately, guys who are attracted to bitches all their lives tire of the chase and chaos and end up falling deeply for a sweet lady who is just a little moody once a month.

 

There's somebody for everybody.

[Bill]

"Mystery"

[turtle]

Mystery? I suppose it means keeping your mouth shut about your dating past and revealing just a little bit as you progress into the relationship.

 

(Of course, STDs and all that shouldn't be kept as part of the mystery)

[Mr. Confident]

well, this big deal of a 'mistery' is all about basic 'unknowns' in a relationship on any level. They always exist. They never go away. They're always there and are always prevalent. The bottom line is that they are never planned; but, if a 'player' gets hip to a partner's curiosity, insecurity, non-confidence, then he/she can just keep the partner guessing, thereby getting a 1-up and more control. As I've previously stated, its all just games, games, ..., and more games.

[zman]

It seems to me women are more likely to be the ones wanting their man to be mysterious, rather than men complaining that women aren't mysterious enough. Men are pretty straightforward, while women can be pretty fickle. JMHO.

[Ryan]

I think this whole idea of "mystery" is childish dramatics.

 

The point of a relationship is to know someone. The point of mystery is to not be known. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people that have no faculty to be real or receive reality from others. I leave them to their content world of false faces.

[jenny]

mystery need not be just drama, either. my mom and dad are constantly into some crazy new idea or book or artist, and we love it. when i go home i never know if i'm going to find steel drums, sculpting clay, or everyone talking about david mamet. my ex-es have loved this quality too - if we had no money we'd spend all night making greek mythology card games...

 

i guess i see mystery as unexpected manifest human eccentricity; sooo very yummy and it sometimes seems hard to find people who can be free enough to share their peculiar interests.

[clia]

Mystery is more important early on in the relationship. For example, you don't need to tell your entire life story and all of the hardships you've ever experienced to a guy on your first date. It means keeping your life a priority so you aren't sitting by the phone waiting for a guy to call. It means doing things that make you happy, doing new hobbies, spending time with friends, and not focusing entirely on the relationship.

 

Mystery is lost when you call guys excessively, spill your guts too early, act clingy and needy, are there at their beck and call, and basically become doormat girl.

[PurpleAngel]

Yes its interesting, different opinions and all valid in their own ways.. SO…..

 

When does this type of ‘hard to get behavior’ stop. Love should NOT be obsessive that’s exactly right BUT it should be flowing too so do you think its ok to call someone WHENEVER you want OR should you hold out cos you want to be mysterious??? What I am trying to ask is where is the balance between, holding out on someone or being mysterious WHILE trying to get to know someone like Ryan said, cos at the end of the day that’s what its about, getting to know each other!

Some more thought there, perhaps stupid, but never the less still thoughts.

 

[clia]

When does this type of ‘hard to get behavior’ stop.

 

I don't think it should ever stop.

 

Love should NOT be obsessive that’s exactly right BUT it should be flowing too so do you think its ok to call someone WHENEVER you want OR should you hold out cos you want to be mysterious???

 

I don't think you should ever be playing games and pretending to be mysterious. If your life is full enough, you should have no reason to need to call your significant other twelve times a day. Of course as relationships go on you get more comfortable and closer and can share things. That's par for the course. But that doesn't mean you need to share every nitty gritty detail of your day. (How dull.)

[PurpleAngel]

I don't think it should ever stop.

 

You think people should play hard to get forever??? WHY??? How is that truly being open with someone and letting them get to know you profoundly? How is that NOT playing a game then?

[clia]

It's not "playing hard to get." It's having a full life. It's being busy, fulfilled, and content with your life. There's a difference between really being busy and having a life of your own, and intentionally pretending to have a life of your own just to "play hard to get." When you truly are happy with your life, you naturally "play hard to get." You aren't even thinking about it. You just are that way.

 

In general, I think people are much more thrilled to be with people who have their own things going on. I know too many women who get into relationships and all of a sudden their guy is the center of their universe, and their day is made or destroyed based on what the guy does. Not healthy IMO.

 

How is that truly being open with someone and letting them get to know you profoundly?

 

You are talking about two different things. Playing hard to get has nothing to do with opening up to someone, at least IMO. And I never said anywhere that it's not okay to open up to people. I'm just saying that there's no reason to let everything hang out all the time, have tearful drama filled discussions about "where the relationship is going," relay every detail of your every move in a 24 hour period, etc.

[clia]

Let me give you some examples of my view of "mysterious": You pick the right answer.

 

Example #1:

 

GUY: What's wrong?

GIRL ANSWER #1: I'm bleeding like a stuck pig and these cramps are tearing me apart.

GIRL ANSWER #2: Just girl stuff!

 

Example #2:

 

GUY: What'd you do today?

GIRL ANSWER #1: Oh, this and that.

GIRL ANSWER #2: Well I went to Starbucks this morning and you would not believe this guy in line behind me! What a kook! I got the usual, a latte. And then I went and met up and so and so for a few minutes before I dropped my car off at the dealership. I waited in line for 20 minutes! Can you believe that???

 

Example #3:

 

GUY: What's wrong?

GIRL ANSWER #1: You are such an ass. I can't believe you bought me grocery store flowers instead of flowers from a florist. What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you know anything?

GIRL ANSWER #2: Nothing. I was just enjoying the beautiful flowers you got me! (Note: This girl chooses her battles.)

 

Mysterious girls never ask questions like "Why didn't you call me?" or "What were you doing out until 4 a.m.?" Mysterious girls don't notice when guys fail to call, because they are out having fun on their own. They aren't worried, they don't get freaky and clingy, they just have fun.

[PurpleAngel]

Ohhh ok.... we had different perceptions of what ‘hard to get’ means but now I understand what you mean!

 

Thanks Clia!

[PurpleAngel]

Mysterious girls never ask questions like "Why didn't you call me?" or "What were you doing out until 4 a.m.?" Mysterious girls don't notice when guys fail to call, because they are out having fun on their own. They aren't worried, they don't get freaky and clingy, they just have fun.

 

I agreed with a lot of your last post, but this point I have quoted I could debate till the cows came home!!! Why can a girl NOT ask about those things, is it not important to know some things? All I know is regardless of whether I am out or at home, if I love someone they are always at the back of my mind, SO its hard NOT to notice when someone you love DOESN’T call or comes home at 4am. Why can a woman not be privy to this type of information???

 

*CONFUSED*

[yes]

i think it's OK to notice he didn't call (if he doesn't call for a few days, NOT for a few hours) ... but there're better ways to find out why he didn't than ask directly (esp. acusationally!) Just ask what he's been upto, instead.

 

I agree with Clia's ideas, but i think one can't do it this way until having gone through a few mistakes - like telling too many details, freaking out, talking about where the r/s is going, etc. - you just gotta know first-hand what results that gets you, and then you'll avoid it like fire for the rest of your life.

 

You won't be able to pull it off if you're acting/pretending though (believe me!!), so better go get a life before you get a bf! =)

 

-yes

[Ryan]

I'm seeing a lot of definitions of mystery....and none of them are actually mystery. I see a lot of contrasting extremes in order to make points...but I don't think we're talking about extremes. That is a simplistic model of human behavior.

 

Creativity is not mystery.

A variety of interests is not mystery.

Independence is not mystery.

Living one's life is not mystery.

Being non-obsessive is not mystery.

Avoiding constant stream of consciousness is not mystery.

 

These are characteristics of an individual that are constant and, for some people, desirable. None of these preclude an individual from being accessible, available, and real.

 

 

As for these specific cases.....here's the standpoint from a very real, anti-mystery male who values relationships highly:

 

Example #1 - I would prefer answer 1. I asked the question because I have concern...not to be polite. I have no desire to be given the polite answer.

 

Example #2 - Once again, I asked the question because I want to know. The two answers provided are extremes. #1 is impersonal and uninteresting. #2 is stream of consciousness. There is middle ground that covers main points without tedious detail.

 

Example #3 - I've noticed that my special lady is upset, so I ask. I NEVER want to hear "Nothing." That is a very impersonal and unbelievable answer...I already know you are lying. If she has something on her mind and bothering her, I want to know about it. There is no choosing battles. If we are mature adults (and that's the only kind of people I maintain relationships with), then we discuss our thoughts and feelings...whether they coincide or clash. I know women who often answer with "Nothing." I would never consider having a relationship with any of them.

 

Mystery sounds very much like fear of being intimate and vulnerable.

[clia]

Why can a girl NOT ask about those things, is it not important to know some things?

 

You can. I just think it's important to choose your battles...and, of course, it's all in the delivery. "Talks" are fine from time to time, but in my experience, the vast majority of guys aren't thrilled to get into big talks about the relationship, or to get into long, drawn out arguments over minutia. (There are, of course, always exceptions.)

 

I agree with Clia's ideas, but i think one can't do it this way until having gone through a few mistakes

 

So true!

 

A variety of interests is not mystery.

Independence is not mystery.

Living one's life is not mystery.

Being non-obsessive is not mystery.

Avoiding constant stream of consciousness is not mystery.

 

These things may not BE mystery, but they unintentionally create mystery. It is not mysterious to be so wrapped up in a relationship that you ditch all your friends, forget about your life, and are waiting by the phone for a guy to call. Women do this kind of thing ALL the time. (I mean, you've read some of the posts on here, right?) Whining and complaining about all the bad things that happened to you all day is not attractive behavior. Who wants to be with a chronic complainer? I don't know...call me crazy, but I've found most guys like to be with a girl who they feel happy around, a girl who brightens their day. Not a girl who is bitching and moaning about minutia. If you want to bitch and moan, start a journal or talk to girlfriends. (Note: I'm not saying it's NEVER appropriate. It's just something that should be moderated. And if you are bitching and complaining that much, the real question is WHY.)

 

Mystery sounds very much like fear of being intimate and vulnerable.

 

I totally disagree. You can absolutely open up to the one you love, yet still maintain a mysterious side. I'm not talking about hiding things or not sharing things that are important. You have to do that to have a successful relationship. I think people in general like to be kept on their toes to a certain extent, like to feel as though they are with a person who has their **** together and is out doing things all the time. I just don't feel you need to share every gory detail of everything with someone just because you are in a relationship. Some things are TMI. Some things are just blah, blah, blah.

 

I don't think it's appropriate to actively think "I am going to play hard to get." I think when it unintentionally happens because you are leading a busy and full life, great. The former is manipulation--the latter is not.

[Ryan]

These things may not BE mystery, but they unintentionally create mystery.

 

I don't see how any of those things create/promote secrecy or lack of understanding. I see them as irrelevant to how well a significant other knows you.

 

It is not mysterious to be so wrapped up in a relationship that you ditch all your friends, forget about your life, and are waiting by the phone for a guy to call. Women do this kind of thing ALL the time. (I mean, you've read some of the posts on here, right?) Whining and complaining about all the bad things that happened to you all day is not attractive behavior. Who wants to be with a chronic complainer?

 

Once again, you are contrasting against the extreme. From this, I would consider mystery to be the opposite: aloof, withdrawn, and self-absorbed. That sounds about right, in fact.

 

You can absolutely open up to the one you love, yet still maintain a mysterious side.

 

I don't see how you can put conditions on being open. That kind of kills the whole idea.

 

I think people in general like to be kept on their toes to a certain extent, like to feel as though they are with a person who has their **** together and is out doing things all the time.

 

How is that being kept on your toes? I have no desire to be in a relationship that is permeated by some requisite degree of uncertainty. I also don't see a correlation between having yourself together and being very busy. Perhaps I'm odd, but the fundamental reason I would stay with someone is because they have characteristics I find attractive. I'm trusting that those will be present tomorrow just as they are today. As soon as they vanish...so do I.

 

I just don't feel you need to share every gory detail of everything with someone just because you are in a relationship. Some things are TMI. Some things are just blah, blah, blah.

 

Yet again....the extreme. I'm not suggesting every trivial detail be shared. However, I do not like the ideas of "pick your battles" and squashing thought/feeling for the sake of simplicity. It all hints of a bad Cosmo article (as if there is any other kind). What the majority of men want is an awful standard to live by....since the majority of men are friggen' idiots that have largely ignored their own thoughts and feelings.

 

I fear much of this is compromise on the female behalf to appease men. There are those of us who do not want women to neuter themselves for our sake.

[clia]

I only use the extremes to make the point.

 

I do not like the ideas of "pick your battles" and squashing thought/feeling for the sake of simplicity.

 

I guess we disagree. I think it's smarter to take some time, think it through, cool down a little bit, then decide if it's really something worth starting a fight about. I don't like fighting with my sig other over stupid things.

 

It all hints of a bad Cosmo article

 

Actually, I haven't read Cosmo in a long time, but from what I hear their advice is pretty much the opposite of what I've posted.

 

I'm just saying what has worked very well for me over the years. Most men I've met like a challenge. Mystery creates challenge. People can take it or leave it.

 

I fear much of this is compromise on the female behalf to appease men. There are those of us who do not want women to neuter themselves for our sake.

 

I see it as the opposite. I see it as women realizing that they do have a lot to offer and don't need to center their life around a guy. We are all taught how important it is to have a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband. We get boy crazy in high school and sometimes beyond, and neglect ourselves. Our day is made when he calls, devastated when he doesn't. I think it's important to remember to take a step back, understand that they sun does not rise or set over a guy after one date, and that your life does not need to do a massive 180 when you start dating someone new. Life outside the relationship continues to go on. And I know we disagree on this as well, but that life helps to create mystery.

[yes]

Guys, you're just using different terms, but intend to say similar things. Isn't the bottom line that "A person who has a life outside of the relationship is much more likely to have and keep a good relationship than one who doesn't"?

 

Now, having a life doesn't mean just having a job & what-not. It means some of your heart is in these other things, not all of it is in the guy's hands. C'est tout!

 

-yes

[moimeme]

Sounds like this 'mystery' thing is that which feeds certain men's taste for uncertainty.

 

Actually, there are supposedly a bunch of relationship types. I do believe that 'conflicted' is one of the types. Look at it this way, if a woman doesn't show all her cards, doesn't commit too fast, doesn't give too many clues if she likes him, he's kept wondering. The ones who are 'bored' by routine or other forms of organization will also get bored by knowing the woman cares - he doesn't worry about it anymore so she's out of his mind. He prefers being kept tantalized - wondering and worrying if she cares and what else he can do to get her.

 

I suppose it's 'the thrill of the hunt'. Personally, I like to be emotionally honest with my fellow and I like fellows who are honest back. I'm not thrilled by thrills - I never watch 'action' movies (they bore me to tears) and 'extreme' sports are just dumb to me but I'm guessing the fans of that stuff are the guys who want women to be 'mysterious'.

[Ryan]

I guess we disagree. I think it's smarter to take some time, think it through, cool down a little bit, then decide if it's really something worth starting a fight about. I don't like fighting with my sig other over stupid things.

 

See...this is exactly my point. You're already of the belief that it is a fight just because you are voicing your opinions/feelings! I find that troubling. I don't think ANYONE should have to censor themselves for the sake of not potentially upsetting their partner. If someone is the sort that blows up over many trivial things....well that doesn't make said person much of a mature adult now does it?

 

Most men I've met like a challenge. Mystery creates challenge.

 

I find the notion of challenge to be silly. Are you interested in a guy? Then respond as such. Are you not interested? Then respond as such. A woman who is interested in me but arrests her expression of this will be quickly dismissed........as a woman who is not interested. The idea of men wanting what they can't have applies to men who don't have their shizzle together. Challenge, as I see it, is a game that serious individuals do not play.

 

I see it as women realizing that they do have a lot to offer and don't need to center their life around a guy. We are all taught how important it is to have a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband. We get boy crazy in high school and sometimes beyond, and neglect ourselves. Our day is made when he calls, devastated when he doesn't. I think it's important to remember to take a step back, understand that they sun does not rise or set over a guy after one date, and that your life does not need to do a massive 180 when you start dating someone new. Life outside the relationship continues to go on.

 

I agree with this.....but you are describing independence, not mystery. If you are using the terms interchangeably...then I think we're at a point of concurrence (although I'd be a bit perplexed as to that choice of definition).

 

I would like to add that I think this is a good discussion....and none of what I say is meant as insult or personal attack. This is exactly the kind of conversation I would enjoy having with my special someone - a mature difference of opinion with both sides freely expressing themselves.