thinking of other women, that's why i'm jealous!.. right?

[tequilaSunset]

hey everyone! great forum to have, i must say.

 

here's the back story. it might be natural for you to, but try not to pre-judge me on this one =/ while i was with my ex, i began a little tryst with someone else (mainly emotional). although my relationship with my bf was crumbling towards the end, i should have broken up with him before i began talking to someone else, but didn;t. i kissed the other guy and subsequently broke up with my bf before it went further (not fair to either party) and now me and the other guy have been together since.

 

i recently learned that while he was talking to me (still had a bf at the time), he had hooked up with another girl a few times. obviously it would be absurd for me to be angry about that since i was already involved, but i felt i was at least as up front about everything as i could be while he kind of tried to pass this girl off as just a friend. he said it's bc he didn't want me to think it was more than it was (just a physical relationship) or turn me off. ever since, i can't get this girl out of my head. i feel like i'm constantly bringing her up.

 

on top of this, it came up that while he jerks off, he's thought of her before. he's also thought of one of his female friends who he used to have a crush on. now, he he says he doesn't think about anyone else when we're actually together, but when he's rubbing one out by himself, they might pop into his head. i was pretty grossed out by it and asked how he'd feel if i did the same thing, thinking of men in my current or past.

 

he explains that for men, jerking off doesn't really require any connected emotions, it's just more of a visual thing. he further explains that it's different bc women (like myself) don't masturbate as often as men, so when they do touch themselves, it would offend him if i thought of someone else!

 

now i KNOW men look at other women and whack off, but should i be irritated that these aren't celebs or porn stars, but people he knows? (no, i'm not fugly )

 

i absolutely want to STOP being jealous, not just of her, but i would feel uncomfortable if he was in a crowd full of women or something. i think of him meeting other women throughout his day and flirting. i get uncomfortable if he's alone with my own friends. i don't know if it's that for whatever reason i don't trust HIM (he doesn't really give me reason to) or if i'm just being paranoid bc of what i did to my ex.

 

advice/comments/opinions welcome

Edited February 14, 2008 by tequilaSunset

[directx]

I wouldn't worry if I were you. When I masturbate, I use fantasy. Why would I fantasize about the woman I'm with? I already have that and know what that is like. Now, I'm not trying to be funny, but that is truth.

 

Think about it: when we growing up, we all start off with fantasy for masturbation (Unless you were a super lucky kid and didn't need fantasy)

 

So that is what we are used to. Its FANTASY.

 

I know many women like to read erotic fiction and get off on that. Believe it or not, its pretty big market, especially with ebooks.

 

I dont think any man is threatened by that.

So I wouldn't be threatened by what he says he is doing. Actually, you should be pretty grateful he is so honest, because he could have easily lied and you have never known.

 

And I would encourage your BF to look at amateur porn more than celeb. He will learn to appreciate NORMAL women's bodies and realize the beauty in uniqueness.

 

Good luck!

[tequilaSunset]

ha, thanks. the thing is i would have no problem with him watching porn or going to work on a celeb. i understand he needs to 'escape' or may want to think about other women as most men do, i just despise the fact that any of these other women are REAL women he knows and HAS seen, at least, topless.

[directx]

Sorry. I misread that.

Yeah, that would kind of irk me too.

I'm surprised he's not bored of them yet though. Usually I use the hottest girl at work of that day, and then forget about them.

 

I used one girl MUCh growing up because she literally had one of the best asses i have ever witnessed. I had no emotional connection though.

 

You know, i don't blame you for being upset if he used to date/screw them and still using them as material. And why is he TELLING you?

 

Something is not adding up

[shadowofman]

First thing you need to understand is that your feelings are normal. What you describe is more possessive behavior than jealousy, because you are not envious of these other women, you are scared of them getting their hands on him. Jealousy can still play a part if you are upset that he is not thinking about you while he masterbates, but as you have stated, you understand that he needs to "escape".

 

But like I said, possessiveness is a biological aspect of all human beings. We are hardwired to possess others, both men and women. You can choose to embrace this aspect of yourself, which is a cornerstone of monogamy, "to have and hold", or you can abandon it completely and rebel against your biology.

 

If you are a monogamously uinclined person, I suggest that you embrace your possession of him completely. The trick is trust. You need to trust completely until he gives you reason not to. It is a very tricky balancing act from that point on, but your issue is trusting him to be faithful, not your possessive nature.

[directx]

You might be right shadowofman but the fact this guy still yearns for women he had relationships with...I myself am having a hard time getting passed that.

 

If it was the same stranger or celebrity, big deal. but he HAD something with these women. Why doesn't he move on? Why doesn't he move on to new stranger women, or women at work?

 

You might be right, and i may be too conservative here, but I agree with her: that is bothersome.

[shadowofman]

Of course it is bothersome to her, she is possessive, and that is fine in a monogamous relationship. If she decides to express distrust, it is completely within her right to do so.

 

The question she needs to be asking is this. Is he a monogamous man? There is a big difference between fantasy and a true inclination to be promiscuous or act out his potential promiscuity. As well as his moral position on "cheating". The danger is when distrust is applied. This can cause someone to be pushed away, especially if they have no intention to act on these inclinations in reality. Attach the ball and chain at your own risk.

[tequilaSunset]

i want to thank you both for your responses.

 

i wanted to add to this as perhaps it will help a bit more. he doesn't watch porn (hard to believe? ha!) but i actually DO believe this. and so, he says that since he does not watch porn, all he can really rely on is what he's seen before or women in his life (that he's never had, i.e. his friend).

 

directx, why he's chosen them rather than fresher ones, i don't know. maybe they're familiar? he hasn't met too many new females that stick around. i wonder -- if he imagines them while whacking off, what is he feeling when he sees them in person? nothing sexual, he says. i'm not sure if that's possible. maybe. it's hard for me to understand since i've never been in this position myself.

 

shadowofman, your comment about distrust is exactly why i wish i was less curious. i know that if i continue to feed my curiosity about why he thinks about these girls or continue to bring this one girl up, it could push him away. i'd imagine it's quite irritating if, in fact, none of these women mean anything to him and yet i hold them on a pedestal.

Edited February 14, 2008 by tequilaSunset

[shadowofman]

So you are just upset that these are old girls and not new girls. I can't say I relate to his fantasies or his lack of interest in porn, but we are all different.

Seriously, from what you have described, I think you have a monogamous man, and I think you are curious why he is not promiscuous, or interested in new girls. Seriously. Stop digging a grave.

 

Typically a promiscuous man is not interested in past girls, only what is on the horizon. Like myself, I have never fantasized about an ex because I've "been there, done that". I want new girls.

[starrynight]

hey everyone! great forum to have, i must say.

 

here's the back story. it might be natural for you to, but try not to pre-judge me on this one =/ while i was with my ex, i began a little tryst with someone else (mainly emotional). although my relationship with my bf was crumbling towards the end, i should have broken up with him before i began talking to someone else, but didn;t. i kissed the other guy and subsequently broke up with my bf before it went further (not fair to either party) and now me and the other guy have been together since.

 

i recently learned that while he was talking to me (still had a bf at the time), he had hooked up with another girl a few times. obviously it would be absurd for me to be angry about that since i was already involved, but i felt i was at least as up front about everything as i could be while he kind of tried to pass this girl off as just a friend. he said it's bc he didn't want me to think it was more than it was (just a physical relationship) or turn me off. ever since, i can't get this girl out of my head. i feel like i'm constantly bringing her up.

 

on top of this, it came up that while he jerks off, he's thought of her before. he's also thought of one of his female friends who he used to have a crush on. now, he he says he doesn't think about anyone else when we're actually together, but when he's rubbing one out by himself, they might pop into his head. i was pretty grossed out by it and asked how he'd feel if i did the same thing, thinking of men in my current or past.

 

he explains that for men, jerking off doesn't really require any connected emotions, it's just more of a visual thing. he further explains that it's different bc women (like myself) don't masturbate as often as men, so when they do touch themselves, it would offend him if i thought of someone else!

 

now i KNOW men look at other women and whack off, but should i be irritated that these aren't celebs or porn stars, but people he knows? (no, i'm not fugly )

 

i absolutely want to STOP being jealous, not just of her, but i would feel uncomfortable if he was in a crowd full of women or something. i think of him meeting other women throughout his day and flirting. i get uncomfortable if he's alone with my own friends. i don't know if it's that for whatever reason i don't trust HIM (he doesn't really give me reason to) or if i'm just being paranoid bc of what i did to my ex.

 

advice/comments/opinions welcome

 

Why can't girls just accept that because a guy finds visual stimulation (of a sexual nature) from another, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS ATTRACTION (physical, emotional or otherwise) TO HER!

 

Seriously, you're worrying when there is no worry, and not worrying when there is (ie if he's getting emotionally connected with someone; worry then if at all).

 

However, IF he is thinking MOSTLY of ex's and those he has had crushes on... it would seem slightly odd (that it was only with those he had an emotional connection with). If it was them, and others and others, and just "different visuals" each time, then I'd say it was absolutely nothing and you're way overreacting.

 

If he's thinking of those two, and only occasionally others, then I would see some cause for worry if he still interacts with them. If it's mostly those two and he doesn't see them, I'd just think he was wrapped up in things he can't have, which he should stop doing.

 

But it really sounds like, since he said "occasionally" those girls will come up... that you are just not getting the fact that guys are attracted to many women all at once, and that physical attraction, for most males at least, alone does not affect emotions in relationships.