I Can't name it, this feeling

[So Sad but trying]

I have never done anything like this before so its a big step. Let me first tell you the story, then what few emotions I can identify, and then please, please help me.

 

I have been dating my gf for almost three years now. I love her... I love her more than sleep, than eating, than I have ever loved myself. But that is what makes it all so very hard.

 

I was told tonight that she wants to go on a cruise with her friends for her senior year spring break. She will be going with the two friends of hers that have a deep rooted, and well earned reputation for how should I say this? "perrmiscuity."

 

The first time I slept with my girlfriend was Spring break three years ago, while she was with the same two girls, and get this... she had a boyfriend then too. She'll be gone March 17th-March 24th if she goes.

 

I have job training from february 25th-March 18th out of state. and the kicker....my birthday is March 20th.

 

I trust her. I really do. I can even be alone on my birthday. heck I can even not see her for a month. But why in the world does the girl I give the world to want to give so little back? Someone please either inspire me to move beyond this, advise me on how to fix it, I'll even settle for an explanation of what feelings I have right now.

[Lyssa]

Could it be that the thought of her going on the cruise with her two promiscuous friends that is bothering you? Sometimes we trust the person we are with but not those around them or so they say.

 

I had a few friends who were bad influence and they know it too but I know what is wrong and what is not. I can see why it's bothering you quite a bit seeing that you met her in such a way.

 

Have you tried talking to her about this?

[Walk]

She's choosen to partake in something that will remove her geographically as far from you as possible, surrounded herself with people of low moral fiber, and will travel to a destination that is known as a place of drunkness and lurid sexual acts. She's placing herself in a situation that would test even the strongest persons' will power, and she's going during a time that should have been a celebration of your life.

 

I'd be hurt too. It must feel like she's betraying you. Yet at the same time, she's not because she hasn't done anything wrong. And the fact that this is a socially accepted occasion for her to party it up, makes it harder for you to admit you don't want her to. You have valid reason to not want her to do this. She's threatening your relationship. She's basically saying she is willing to toss away all of the time, effort and hard work you've put into creating a good relationship just so she can have one selfish week of fun.

 

Plus, you want to trust her. And you want to believe her when she insists nothing bad will happen. You love her and you want to believe her. But you always know she's either being naive, or she's misleading you to get what she wants. And since you KNOW she'll cheat on her partner, then you can't convince yourself that she's simply naive about the world. Which would probably create feelings of animosity and pain because you feel she's deceiving you.

 

To top it off, the time frame she's going in is during a special occasion for you. And because of that, I'm sure it's creating conflicting feelings... feeling angry that you do feel somewhat selfish about it, and yet still feeling hurt and abandoned because she's not acknowledging that it IS a special day for you. She could easily relieve that part of the equation by simply acknowledging that it IS a special occasion and she does understand that by leaving she's taking away from your day.

 

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd talk to her. But its going to be a tricky conversation. You have all these seemingly selfish motivations behind not wanting her to go... but if you can phrase it so she can understand the fear that motivates your desire for her not to do this, then maybe she can discuss the potential problems that could arise. Your fear is valid. You are completely right to feel she shouldn't go. She's threatening what both of you have worked so hard to build. And all so she can have a week of fun. Its almost as if she's willing to throw away years of both your lives for this.

 

But you'll also have to let her know you want her to have fun, and to do things she enjoys doing. Make sure you stick to the real issues though. Ie: your fear that alcohol and influencing friends could cause her to make a mistake that will impact her relationship.

 

Not that she can't go, or that you don't want her to have fun... but that you want her to have safe fun that will bring her back relaxed and energized. Not feeling worse about herself, or destroying a relationship she's put years of effort into. Keep it focused on the fact you want her to be who she is, and to have a good time. And don't let her convince you that you're being irrational, or doomsday about this. She's not acknoweldging her lack of control in the past, and without that acknowledgement, she'll continually make the same decisions in the future. You have every right to feel the way you do right now. Ask her to work with you to allow you to feel comfortable with her decision.

 

Be prepared that she'll tell you tough, deal with it. Are you willing to end the relationship over this? How out of control do you believe she will get on her vacation? And how badly do you think it will impact the relationship? And how far are you willing to go to keep the relationship?

[So Sad but trying]

I don't even know you guys and yet in ten minutes you have told me more than I was able to tell myself after hours of not sleeping last night. I slept on the couch in my own apt. lol. Thank you. I will take your advice.

[starrynight]

 

I trust her. I really do. I can even be alone on my birthday. heck I can even not see her for a month. But why in the world does the girl I give the world to want to give so little back? Someone please either inspire me to move beyond this, advise me on how to fix it, I'll even settle for an explanation of what feelings I have right now.

 

 

I don't know how hard you're really trying.

 

Especially since the vast majority of your post was about one thing (your girl going off with these other girls, and hey, you were the other guy too once) and then near the end you finally said the real thing that bothers you:

 

"Why in the world does the girl I give the world to want to give so little back".

 

That statement seems to have to do a lot more with her general mindstate as perceived by you, rather than to this situation (and perhaps it has something to do with the situation, but you didn't connect how).

 

Perhaps you wouldn't worry if

 

A) You didn't feel, or at least would admit and then talk about that you feel that way with your g/f

 

or B) perhas if you hadn't boinked some other guy's g/f, then made her your own... y'ever think that's not the best way to start a relationship? Or to feel trust for someone?

 

You just might be screwed, but that depends on how much time you spend talking to her (sharing your feelings and not getting emotional while doing so), and how much time you feel like just shooting forth a one sided view of a sitution (ie yours, without hers in conjunction) looking for validation of your feelings.

 

It's easy to validate a half formed story.

[shanny]

The situation sucks... and I know how you feel. Trusting someone is the hardest thing about a relationship. What does your gut say? Unfortunetly, that's the only thing you can go by right now... If she cheats you will never know. I hate to say this, but if she had a guy when she hooked up with you that's not a good sign... but I could be wrong. I don't know if she was having problems with him or if she just met the love of her life (you) and a time when she was with someone else. I have to go away on business all the time and my boyfriend has a history of cheating so I know exactly what you are going through. I have to deal with the fact that he could be cheating and I don't know. Just go with your gut... that's all you've got. If you accuse her too much before she leaves it may piss her off and cause her to cheat. If you love her and your gut agrees, give her the benefit of the doubt. Good luck...