Girls point of view on drinking?

[wezol]

I would like a girls point of view on this situation, but guys are welcome if they have been in a situation like this.

 

This weekend, my girlfriend is going out of town with her mom and grandma to a Rodeo and a Concert that they have had planned for many months now. I was not invited because it is a family thing, no worries and no feelings hurt She leaves tonight.

 

Well last night we were on a double date with some friends of ours at a local Mexican food restaurant. I had only ordered a Beer-Rita (very good btw ). Well the waiter comes over and puts down a shot and says someone ordered this for me. I know of only one person who would and I was right, it was my boss. I had just quit work because I am being deployed in a few weeks and it was kind of a good luck we're gonna miss ya gesture. He was there with his wife and a few friends. I returned the favor and ordered us a beer. He invited me over to play pool but I turned it down because it was Valentines day, but told him I would definitely come over Saturday night and play.

 

My girlfriend found out about this and the first thing she thinks about is girls rubbing their boobs in my face and me getting wasted.

 

Last night we got into a big fight and she said she doesn't want me drinking and then went on this rant about how I don't want to spend time with her if I am not willing to drive down to the concert (3 hour drive) after my parents leave on Saturday from visiting me. That I would rather play pool with my buddies than see her. For the record, we do live together.

 

She said that for those 6 months that I was gone (a little over a year ago), that I didn't feel comfortable with her drinking and she didn't. Well what I told her was that wouldn't mind it if it was her friends but I wouldn't feel comfortable if it was with people she didn't know. Mainly because if something were to happen, I wouldn't be there to console her or help her (say, if she was raped).

 

I admit, I used to have a insecurity issue but have long passed that stage and have given her the room that I would like in return. I have told her many times over and over (since I have been home from the first departure) that I do not mind her drinking if I am not there that the only things I ask for is that she either stays sober enough to drive or to call me to come pick her up if she can't. I do not get the same in return. I tell her I do not care who she looks at, stares at, talks to, whatever...as long as she does not cross the line. I do not get the same in return and it feels like I am guilty until proven innocent.

 

So question, what should I do? How should I respond? Are there any reasons OTHER than trust that you wouldn't want your SO drinking without out?

 

For the record, I did end up telling her I wouldn't drink to get out of fighting anymore about it. And, I DO NOT have a record of getting trashed and acting stupid or flirting with every girl in sight.

 

Girls? Guys?

[curiousnycgirl]

I must say I am completely baffled. Your former, married boss invited you to his house to play pool and she thinks girls will be rubbing their boobs in your face? Where are these girls coming from?

 

She has a girls/family weekend planned for months, to which you were not invited, and now expects you to drive 3 hours to be with her in between planned events? WTF?!

 

I would think she wanted you to be home doing nothing - for what reason I have no idea?

 

Frankly I think she is either being absurd, or you have not told us the whole story.

[wezol]

She wants me to come down to spend time with her because I am going to Afghanistan for 9 months.

 

As for the girls...last time we were there, their next door neighbors came over and they are both girls and my girlfriend right off the bat didn't like them because she THOUGHT I was checking them out. So thats where the girls come into the story

 

Like I said, I just want to be trusted to make big boy decisions. I want to be a big boy now

 

My boss invited US over (I never told him she would not be coming just in case her plans changed because I would want her to come with me) as kind of a farewell to me. I know he would offer me a few drinks and out of appreciation for the kind of boss he has been I would probably take them. But like I said, I DO NOT have a reputation of getting trashed and acting stupid. I am actually a calm drunk. Plus, with her not there I wouldn't have more than a few anyways as not get get drunk.

 

What irks me is that she doesn't seem to trust me or my judgment. Is that too much to ask?

 

I am extremely stressed out with the upcoming deployment and her insecurities are the last thing I really want to deal with. I want to spend time with her, but I also want to spend time with our friends and I saw an opportunity to do that at a time when she wouldn't be here. And seeing as how she was going to be gone in the first place, it wouldn't effect our time together any more or any less.

Edited February 15, 2008 by wezol

[Ronni_W]

She wants me to come down to spend time with her because I am going to Afghanistan for 9 months.

 

Maybe I've misunderstood -- is it that she was fine with you not going down...until your boss invited you out? (In which case, she wants you to come down because she is feeling insecure, not due to your pending deployment.)

 

I know he would offer me a few drinks and out of appreciation for the kind of boss he has been I would probably take them.

Or, out of appreciation you could say, "Thanks but no. I've decided to stick to soda tonight." (If it is your habit to kind of do things because others are expecting you to -- or you think that's what they're expecting -- then it could add to your g/f's already insecure way of thinking. Extreme example: Like what if a buddy does offer you a $1000/hour hooker? NOT that you would do anything, but if it is your nature to not say 'no' then your g/f doesn't have any added security to put with her insecure thinking. Hope that makes a bit of sense(?))

 

 

I do hope that your time before deployment will become stress-free and peaceful. And wish you Godspeed and safe return.

[sb129]

Oh man. This is so off my radar. I went out for a hens weekend last weekend (bachelorette party to the americans) and there was alot of drinking, but no bad behaviour. My SO stayed at home and had a few drinks here with a buddy, but I would have been just as cool if he had gone out. Its called trust, and we have it in spades- you guys REALLY need it if some of your R is long distance. Ours was to start off with, and if we had had no trust it would have died a death.

 

Your GF sounds like she only wants you to go to this concert because she is aware that there is a possibility that you won't be staying at home alone all weekend.

 

She is being controlling, and trying to manipulate her because of her own insecurities.

 

not really sure how you can deal with it though, because its part of her personality right now...

[sb129]

She is being controlling, and trying to manipulate her because of her own insecurities.

 

Sorry I meant trying to manipulate YOU.

[LakesideDream]

This is hard to understand. You are mature and responsible enough to have served your country overseas, and have been asked to do so again in Afganistan. But you are not responsible enough to play pool, and drink a beer or two at your former employers home?

 

From personal experiance (decades ago) I know how important it is to have someone waiting back home when you are in country. That didn't work so much for me back then, I did get letters, and a care package or two. I also got "the clap" (period language) when I got home. That relationship didn't last long after I was back in the USA.

 

If you want the relationship to continue you will have to accept her conditions. Or maybe, just maybe she will figure out that you are a grown man, and deserve the respect from her that you have earned. Personally I'd probably cut her loose. But I'm an old guy and my opinions probably shouldn't count much to a young man like you.

 

Gook luck on deployment. Watch your six and trust your buddies.

 

Semper Fi,

[Lizzie60]

Hum... either your gf is the insecure, jealous type or you are the 'flirty' type but won't admit it.

 

There is a reason why she is obsessively jealous of you.

 

If it's her own insecurities, I think you ought to talk to her, ask her to seek therapy or leave her.

[wezol]

Thank y'all for the advice.

 

Ronni-It's not my habit to do things just because of peer pressure or because someone is expecting me to. I would just enjoy having a few beers with my boss, who has in the time I have been working for him become a good friend of mine. We are both the same age as well. As with the examples I do know they are extreme and you are just saying, but I do also know where to draw the line and what is appropriate and what is not. In my opinion, having a few beers without your SO there is appropriate. Getting trashed and acting stupid with some girls (free or not) is inappropriate.

 

LakesideDream-Thank you for your thoughts. Old guys usually have the best advice

[sb129]

In my opinion, having a few beers without your SO there is appropriate. Getting trashed and acting stupid with some girls (free or not) is inappropriate.

 

Absolutely. NOw you need to convince your GF that. Good luck, hope it works out, and good luck for your deployment. you could do without this kind of stress, you sound like a nice guy.

[norajane]

Like I said, I just want to be trusted to make big boy decisions. I want to be a big boy now

 

I think that's what you need to tell her.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i don't think she should be allowed to go to the rodeo.

 

by her logic, it's quite clear she is only going so she can have sex with bulls.

[Ronni_W]

As with the examples I do know they are extreme and you are just saying, but I do also know where to draw the line and what is appropriate and what is not. In my opinion, having a few beers without your SO there is appropriate.

Wezol, I am in total agreement with you, and also quite baffled by your g/f's apparent lack of sensitivity to the fact that you will be leaving not only her but also your own "safe and secure" spot on the planet.

 

I'd say that it would be good for her and for your relationship, if she learned better stress management and coping skills, than just making you responsible (through action or inaction) to help her feel safe and secure.

 

I appreciate that you understood the extreme example was just to aid with possible different way of understanding/communicating with her. You have done nothing to even hint that you cannot conduct yourself appropriately, so it is her own thought patterns over which she must gain command...IF she wants to overcome her insecurities, that is.

 

It is also a time for her to "chin up" and weather the nine months you'll be away AND the time before you deploy. That's her "grown up" and relationship job, too, not just yours.

 

Again, best luck.

[wezol]

Well thank you everyone for your advice.

 

This weekend got cancelled with her rodeo, so she stayed here. I did not mind because we would get to spend time together and my mom and grandma were coming down to visit us.

 

I ended up not going to my bosses house because I felt sick and was tired, I fell asleep and didn't realize what time it was lol. I told my boss I would make it up to him before I left. So I enrolled them in the "employers support the troops award" so they will get a plaque for honoring the troops during my deployment.

 

Well yesterday was a good day except for one blowout that we had. We had went to see Fool's Gold. For those of you who don't know it is a treasure hunting movie so girls in swimsuits and guys with shirts off kind of movie. Well this one girl (played a ditzy girl) came on the screen and my GF told me to look at her, I said no because the only reason she wanted me to look away was because that girl was on the screen. She then came back with "no, I just wanted to see if you could do it, and you couldn't." She then gave me the cold shoulder and ended up leaving about 10 minutes later. She came back in 5 minutes later and got upset cause I obviously didn't care that she left. I just said I wanted to enjoy the movie and I am whether you want to leave or not.

 

When the movie was done she got mad all over agian. Thats when I lost it and told her

 

"The only reason you wanted me to look away was because that girl came on the screen. That dude had his shirt off over half the movie and I didn't sit there and tell YOU to look away did I? No. I just wanted to enjoy the movie and I couldn't even do that without your insecurities getting in the way."

 

She then said "Yeah but you said you would help me with them and you wouldn't even try"

 

I said, "No, YOUR insecurities are not my problem to fix, they are YOUR problem to fix. I do not do anything to make them worse, if anything I have done what I can to help you fix them. It is YOUR responsibility to keep your insecurities in line. Not mine. When I'm gone, I don't want to deal with your insecurities. When I get a chance to call you I want to be able to just talk, not answer questions because you are insecure and want to make sure there are no girls. Girls will be the last thing on my mind."

 

She was silent the rest of the drive home then came and apologized. The rest of the day she was the best she's ever been. We went to wal-mart and she didn't even get mad (our wal-mart is like the mall with a bunch of college girls).

 

So far....so good. I think what I told her might of really hit home with her. (Knock on wood)

[Ronni_W]

Wezol, sorry your movie enjoyment got a bit side-tracked.

 

Yes, the position you took is assertive and healthy for both of you -- well done! Just continue to support and encourage her as you have been doing, while she takes her necessary steps to overcome her insecurities.

 

There are so many free resources available on the Internet, that there really are no excuses for her to NOT undertake some personal growth and development eCourses or work through the material on her own.

 

Sometimes it's tough to not fall back into old ways, when the other person starts to regress -- if you can both establish a nice or funny way of handling that before it happens, it could make things easier.

For example, (this is just off the top of my head), "Okay, from now on when you try to make me responsible for your insecurities, I'm going to say 'Whoa, the birds are flying south and it's not even Winter'." <Or a funny line from a TV show or movie you both like.>

 

Anything really, that'll stop the old dynamic in its tracks, and get you both thinking in a different direction. I prefer something humourous cos, as the saying goes, that is the best medicine .

Set the "rules" together -- she may want to hear something different than you may think is best. When I'm acting freaky, my SO says, "That isn't very higher self," which really speaks to what I value. (And sometimes I say, "You're right" and other times I say, "I don't care" and continue my tantrum...but with renewed self-awareness. Every bit counts, right? )

 

Wishing you laughter and happiness.

[sb129]

Bravo wezol- you said EXACTLY the right thing.

 

Well done. Fingers crossed it had some effect.