How to pose a question so it doesnt sound like jealousy?

[4givrnt4gtr]

So i think i totally messed up last nite.

After vday dinner me and my bf went back to his place. I had been there maybe two nites ago and i usually have a shirt i wear at night. WHen i leave i leave it folded in a table nearby.

So we got to his place and as usual his bed is unmade and has an extra sheet on it. (important detail for later)

So anyway we go on with our nite and then when we were gonna go to sleep he tosses me a shirt from his bed at the same time as he tossed one of the sheets to a table. At the time i guess i thought i forgot to fold the shirt the night before so didnt think much of it.

THen this morning as I was dressing to come home I saw the shirt i wore previously in the table, and then i realized obviously it wasnt the same one that i was wearing. I immediately created this crazy stories in my head, as to why was that shirt on his bed, whether he might have wore it the night before and forgot it there or if he had someone else on the side.

Anyway so i was freaking out but kept calm. I went to say bye and he wanted to hug me. I couldnt hold back so i asked him if he had worn the shirt the previous nite. It was 4am so he was a bit off, he said he didnt know what i was talking about. I repeated the question, trying hard not to sound accusatory. Something like "why was the shirt i was wearing in your bed?" and finally he said he didnt know, that it might have fallen from his laundry pile. Then he directed me to look at the bedsheet he had tossed the nite before, to prove to me he had just done laundry and the shirt had gotten tangled up in the sheets. I felt really stupid...and he was upset.

I climbed on his back and said sorry but it was just hard to find good guys. He didnt say anything for a while but finally he gave in and we cuddled.

 

I think i handled the situation wrong...but how should i have handled it? What would you guys do if you find a shirt/pants/whatever in your SO's bed that you know he usually would give to sleep on and you know you didnt wear it? I feel like i messed up...and this isnt the first time. Im afraid of allianating him with my insecurity. How do you handle that?

[Ronni_W]

I know what you mean! Good communicating is an art, isn't it?

 

It takes some practice to use "I statements" -- rather than accuse or ask "why?", try to formulate a sentence that begins with "I" or ask a question that has "me" as the focus.

 

This is just off the top of my head but something like, "I'm confused...did I forget to fold my shirt last time?"

 

Sometimes I'm there for 6 hours trying to create the *perfect* "I statement" but it really does help because it alleviates the other person feeling blamed/accused and getting all defensive, which is usually the precursor to totally ineffective and non-productive "discussions".

 

Good luck! (You can pro'ly search the Internet for more info, if you do want to become a master at positive, assertive communicating.)

[norajane]

Guys who sneak around with other women behind your back are generally not so careless as to leave evidence of it in their bed...they're good at hiding their activities and are practiced at it. If he had another woman there and had given her his shirt, you can bet your last dime that he would not have thrown the shirt to you so carelessly and thoughtlessly. He would have known exactly who had worn it and would have hidden it long before you arrived.

 

So, my advice is not to weave all kinds of fears in your mind. But, if you do, then it's best to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and, as Ronni said, find an "I statement" to ask your question without seeming to accuse.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

There could be a million reasons why the shirt was in the bed. What I think is important for you is to figure out why you jumped to the worst conclusion. Do you trust him? Are you insecure in your relationship?

 

I think wording questions in a different way is great, but it doesn't really get to the root of your problem.