Choose someone who loves you more than you love them?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

You say love is hard to quantify (which it is), but yet you acknowledge knowing (intuitively, I must assume) that he was more into you than you were into him. How large that disparity was, only you can know.

 

I don't think anyone can argue that there is always going to be a slight imbalance. So when given the choice - him loving you slightly more than you love him, or you loving him more... it seems your choice would be obvious, no?

 

in a case like that, though, it makes sense if one is more into the other...you're still feeling each other out, seeing where it's going.

 

if the balance doesn't eventually come, one usually ends it with the other. if they don't end it, the imbalance continues, and harmony is not totally achieved. therefore, it is not 'working out.' when something is not 'working out' it means the feelings aren't equal for one reason or another.

 

i think relationships might go through cycles, but if there's always an imbalance...you're not with the right person.

 

my opinion.

Edited February 15, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely

[jerbear]

But now I think we've reached a balance. I don't think I would have stayed if I didn't think that was possible. I think that is so because I do respect him.

 

Does this tie into boundaries that you two set?

 

Just curious.

 

I've usually cross the line and let her cross the line. I've noticed that if she doesn't cross the line after a set amount of time, my attention wanes.

 

Self-esteem issues:

Interesting thing about self-esteem issues. I've heard women say they don't deserve me or they are broken, yada yada. Yes I would say I was more into her than she was into me. Then there is an arguement and we both split.

 

I like this thread.

[whichwayisup]

All I know is any of my past relationships that was based on total sexual chemistry, the sex was always amazing, but the relationship itself wasn't great. I guess it comes down to which is more important long term. HOT sex life or having someone you can truly love, respect and rely through thick and thin...Some ofcourse, may call that "settling" but many feel that it's the better choice because life is filled with more happiness and less drama and crap.

 

My H and I have spurts when the sex is amazing, then other times it's just a chore...Our relationship/friendship together always stays the same and I like that balance. It's non stressful and we don't fight let alone cause dramatic rollercoaster rides for eachother.

 

A good friend and her H have an explosive marriage, just hearing about it makes me feel drained...I couldn't imagine having to live her life and deal with the stuff she goes through daily.

[Kamille]

You say love is hard to quantify (which it is), but yet you acknowledge knowing (intuitively, I must assume) that he was more into you than you were into him. How large that disparity was, only you can know.

 

I don't think anyone can argue that there is always going to be a slight imbalance. So when given the choice - him loving you slightly more than you love him, or you loving him more... it seems your choice would be obvious, no?

 

Yes, you're right. Now that I think about it along those terms, I think I hold myself back in a relationship until I am fairly sure the guy is really into me. But up until that point, we aren't talking about love. Past heartbreaks have taught me that this is the best way to protect myself. I think once I feel I can let go, really be myself and still be loved, then I fall in love unconditionnally.

 

The balance has shifted since bf and 's last fight... He was acting more distant and he actually told me that he sometimes doubt we're going to make it as a couple. It hurt to hear that, but then, who was I to tell him he couldn't have any doubts when I had my own? It was also scary because for the first time since we were together, I was losing the 'cherished' seat.

 

But it's weird. the redistribution of power is actually proving to be beneficial for us. So if you would ask me to chose, I would likely chose being the one who is loved the most. But I think the fact that the balance shifts depending on the moments, occasions, life circunstances can be beneficial to an R if both partners want it to work.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, you're right. Now that I think about it along those terms, I think I hold myself back in a relationship until I am fairly sure the guy is really into me. But up until that point, we aren't talking about love. Past heartbreaks have taught me that this is the best way to protect myself. I think once I feel I can let go, really be myself and still be loved, then I fall in love unconditionnally.

 

I'm thinking I really need to do that from this point forward.

[Kamille]

Does this tie into boundaries that you two set?

 

Just curious.

 

I've usually cross the line and let her cross the line. I've noticed that if she doesn't cross the line after a set amount of time, my attention wanes.

 

Self-esteem issues:

Interesting thing about self-esteem issues. I've heard women say they don't deserve me or they are broken, yada yada. Yes I would say I was more into her than she was into me. Then there is an arguement and we both split.

 

I like this thread.

 

Yes it does tie in to the both of us discovering each other's boundaries. And I like what I'm seeing in him, the way he deals with issues. And I love the potential I therefore see in us. It's going to sound like I'm a two year old, but I like knowing that I'm not going to get away with just about anything. I like to know he has boundaries too. It makes me feel like the relationship is about us building something together that takes each of us into account - not about either one of us needing the other for self-validation.

 

I like this thread too. Thanks SG.

[Kamille]

I'm thinking I really need to do that from this point forward.

 

It means walking away from great guys for the simple reason that they're not ready. I've done it. It hurt, it was confusing, but it was also rewarding. It was like I was telling myself: enough s*it. I deserve better. Three months later I met bf.

[redfathom]

I think when you are in a long term relationship both people love each other in different amounts. The swings back and forth. I was told that two people can never love each other eqully and it makes sense if one person is always doing the work to keep the relationship going by putting the most amount of love into it then it makes sense that in time that person will become resentful and put in less work at which point it is up to the other person to do more to keep it going. It just flips back and forth keeping the relatioship as a whole in balance.

[melodymatters]

It means walking away from great guys for the simple reason that they're not ready. I've done it. It hurt, it was confusing, but it was also rewarding. It was like I was telling myself: enough s*it. I deserve better. Three months later I met bf.

 

I agree, lovely ladies of love shack ! I too, don't let myself "go" until and unless i know he is REALLY into me. Then, usually the power shifts back and forth in a quite healthy, normal dynamic.

 

If I had the ' power" all of the time i would lose respect. But, if he doesn't act like he is SO lucky to have found superspecialcool melodymatters, then I will not feel comfortable enough to enjoy and truly enage in the R.

 

So, if it's a recipe it seems to be :

 

1) Make sure he is REALLY into you

2) make sure you are at compatible points in your life/values wants and needs. ( I screw this one up a lot !)

3) Accept that there will be times where he's on top of the world, and times that you are.

 

Add wine, chocolate and clean sheets !

[Kamille]

I agree, lovely ladies of love shack ! I too, don't let myself "go" until and unless i know he is REALLY into me. Then, usually the power shifts back and forth in a quite healthy, normal dynamic.

 

If I had the ' power" all of the time i would lose respect. But, if he doesn't act like he is SO lucky to have found superspecialcool melodymatters, then I will not feel comfortable enough to enjoy and truly enage in the R.

 

So, if it's a recipe it seems to be :

 

1) Make sure he is REALLY into you

2) make sure you are at compatible points in your life/values wants and needs. ( I screw this one up a lot !)

3) Accept that there will be times where he's on top of the world, and times that you are.

 

Add wine, chocolate and clean sheets !

 

hear hear! Especially the part about men recognizing how lucky they are to have found superspecialcool melodymatters.

[melodymatters]

hear hear! Especially the part about men recognizing how lucky they are to have found superspecialcool melodymatters.

 

 

AWWW, that, and my dad buying me unexpected roses and a sweet card are my two fave valentines moments !

 

And star, who is also superspecialcool, unfortunately found a guy who had problems with #2 in the recipe, in that he wasn't, couldn't be ready for the same things she was at this time. Men, I have found, are VERY much creatures of timing.

 

They'll " never marry" and one day wake up feeling old, with an aching back, and marry the next girl they date, Or suddenly make lots of money and dump the girl they've been with for 10 yrs. Stuff like that.

 

So yeah, make sure they are really into you, AND at the "right" ( for you) place in their life and thinking.

[Star Gazer]

And star, who is also superspecialcool, unfortunately found a guy who had problems with #2 in the recipe, in that he wasn't, couldn't be ready for the same things she was at this time. Men, I have found, are VERY much creatures of timing.

 

Thanks for the kind words, MM.

 

You're right, this IS a timing issue with me an ex-BF. I guess that's why I'm holding on... waiting for it to be the right time. *sigh*

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree, lovely ladies of love shack ! I too, don't let myself "go" until and unless i know he is REALLY into me. Then, usually the power shifts back and forth in a quite healthy, normal dynamic.

 

If I had the ' power" all of the time i would lose respect. But, if he doesn't act like he is SO lucky to have found superspecialcool melodymatters, then I will not feel comfortable enough to enjoy and truly enage in the R.

 

So, if it's a recipe it seems to be :

 

1) Make sure he is REALLY into you

2) make sure you are at compatible points in your life/values wants and needs. ( I screw this one up a lot !)

3) Accept that there will be times where he's on top of the world, and times that you are.

 

Add wine, chocolate and clean sheets !

 

Great post!

 

I personally think that in any relationship there are ebbs and flow in who loves the other more. It's not always the same level all the time.

 

I've been married once before and in both marriages it was that way. Now with my H we're normally at the same level but I still definately feel that some times I love him more, and sometimes he loves me more. I think that's normal.

 

It's also about actively working on the relationship. You need someone who is willing to put in the work when the going gets tough- and you might not always even like each other!

[Miyamoto]

Men, I have found, are VERY much creatures of timing.

 

They'll " never marry" and one day wake up feeling old, with an aching back, and marry the next girl they date, Or suddenly make lots of money and dump the girl they've been with for 10 yrs. Stuff like that.

 

Hate to say it, but I'm in the "never marry" stage. And I don't wanna even get close to getting married until my career is totally fulfilled, for fear of doing the "lots of money...dump" thing.

 

Haven't heard something so relevant to my life in a long time. Wow.

 

Melody, what else do you know about men? I want to learn myself.

 

As for the men love more thing...

 

My parents, married for 30+ years. Dad DEFNLY loves mom more than mom loves dad. You ask my dad how he feels, he's just like, "I love your mom." Ask my mom, and she's like, "Well, we met at a time and a place, I happened to fall in love, and I'm attached to him now, so I guess I'll stay..." not exactly, but you get the point.

 

Hate to say that I think this is the way it should be. Women are actually not the more romantic of the sexes, especially when it comes to marriage and forever talk. You all are actually quite cold and calculating, while men, it seems, just want to find someone they love to spend their money on so they can feel like a provider. We're the romantic ones.

 

Something my ex said makes sense now, that men should always say "I love you" first. Didn't understand why she said it, but now I do. She made me sit in the car for 2 hours crying asking what the hell did I do wrong, broke up with me like 25 times, then she finally admitted it. First.

 

We're not dating now, by the way.

[monkey00]

Personally I think the worst aspect of this situation is when someone is looking for a rebound. The person that's more into the rebounder winds up getting used on the shorter end of the stick.

 

Though aside from that I can see where it does make sense especially for women to find a suitable male. It seems like a good indication the mate will stick around and be the provider and help raise the children throughout life.

But with changing society and laws set by man, things vary differently now.

[CaliGuy]

My mother always told me - never marry a man you are in love with. Marry a man who is a good companion, a hard worker, a good father, a good provider, one who is faithful and honorable...all that crap.

 

I guess it worked well for her. She was married 30+ years before my Dad died.

 

Didn't work for me though.

 

That's too logical. Women never date based on logic. Never. It's how a man makes them FEEL that makes all the difference.

 

Doesn't matter if he's a bum or a millionaire.

 

If he makes her FEEL love for him, she'll do anything to stay with him.

 

Life has proven this time and time again.

[Storyrider]

The best situation is if each partner believes he/she loves the other more.

[Ariadne]

Pick the guy that loves you and you're totally not into him, because you will learn to love him and he'll treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. Good idea, or not? Applicable only to women, or men as well? Discuss.

 

I believe that works, but the other way around.

 

Personally I believe that women were born "to love" and men to "be loved" by women. So that they can work and do their thing.

 

It's in women's nature to be loving, caring, nurturing, and for men to reciprocate by caring for that woman.

 

The happiest men I know are the ones where the woman loves them deeply, and they cherish them in return.

 

Yes, they both should love each other, but for men it doesn't take much. Give them a house, a loving wife they like and can relate to, and they love you back and are the most faithful.

 

The most miserable unions I've seen are the ones where the woman doesn't love the guy, and the guy is gaga with her. That never works.

 

Those unions are a total disaster where everyone is miserable.

 

Men should learn and let themselves be loved, even if it's not by the hot girl from the club they want to have.

[xpaperxcutx]

The most miserable unions I've seen are the ones where the woman doesn't love the guy, and the guy is gaga with her. That never works.

 

Those unions are a total disaster where everyone is miserable.

 

I'm sorry to say that I found myself in that situation. At the beginning I thought I was totally in love with my ex bf, but later on I came to an understanding that I was too disillusioned with wanting to be loved.

 

I hurt my ex big time. But to have remained in that relationship would've been pointless because putting in forced effort would've been too tiring.

 

I have to agree that timing matters in situations like this. IF feelings aren't reciprocated in the same length of time, but lope sided, it'll never balance itself out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I've been on both sides of the coin. I've loved more, and been loved more. Both situations suck. If you are loved more, you feel obligated and trapped. If you love more, you are trapped by feeling like you will do anything to keep the person from leaving you.

 

I think the ideal situation is one of ebb and flow between both partners - where the cycle of loving more or being loved more is interchanged between partners over the course of the relationship.

[Ariadne]

I was totally in love with my ex bf, but later on I came to an understanding that I was too disillusioned with wanting to be loved...IF feelings aren't reciprocated in the same length of time, but lope sided, it'll never balance itself out.

 

If you love more, you are trapped by feeling like you will do anything to keep the person from leaving you.

 

In a couple there is always one that is going to be the one that loves more.

 

I think it works best when is the woman. But of course you have to both care for each other and be committed to the relationship.

 

Not in the case where the woman loves the guy and he has her for fwb, doesn't respect her, and tells her he doesn't want a relationship or things like that. In that case the guy doesn't want anything to do.

 

That's just from observation though. In cases where the guy loves more he ends up being completely disregarded and disrespected, and most of the times, cheated on.

[GoodOnPaper]

Bad idea to marry someone who loves you a lot more than you love him or her. At the time, it seemed like a good idea -- better than my track record of not being able to attract women. I thought feelings for her would eventually grow, but instead my "nice guy" issues never went away, and I am more frustrated with life than during my single days.