Support Needed

[shanny]

This is my first time doing this... Any help/advice is sooo appreciated. So I have been dating this guy "John" for about 8 months. I am head over heels in love with him but I know I shouldn't be. Everyone I know tells me that he's bad for me, and the sad thing is, I know they are right, but I just can't let him go. Here are a list of a few of the things he has done... 1. He cheated on me with his ex-wife the first month of our relationship (his excuse is that we weren't really serious at the time... still cheating though). 2. He has lied to me and gone out with his ex-wife... The only way I found out is because she called me to rub it in. 3. He is the type of guy that ogles other girls and makes comments about them... in person or on TV. To some people this is ok, but I'm really insecure and it bothers me. He knows it but keeps doing it anyway. 4. He is 41 years old and gambles for a living (most of the time unsuccessfully) and drinks way too much. He parties like he is 18 years old. 5. He hides his phone from me so I can't read his text messages... meaning he has something to hide. Oh God, there are so many more things but you get the point. The problem is that I love him so much (or am I infatuated?). I know I need to leave him but I don't have any friends (mostly because of him... he has gotten pissed when I want to hang out with someone else, therefore I lost all my friends). I have no support system to get me through this. I'm pretty attractive and have a great job and have so much going for me... but I can't see me without him. As I'm writing this, he is out drinking, and I have been sitting here with my dog crying my eyes out. He just doesn't care about my feelings. He is 15 years older than me and so immature... Any advice is appreciated... sorry so long.

[LakesideDream]

He is your "boyfriend", you aren't married, or engaged, or even shacking up. You make choices when you date. That's the right time to do it.

 

In addition a 15 year age difference is a big one for you. Tread carefully.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I can understand infatuation, but I never really understand infatuation with someone who makes you feel so bad about yourself.

 

Firstly, it sounds as though he has a massively unresolved relationship with his ex-wife. I don't know how long he was married but it sounds as though he is still attached in some way to her. But that is going to have severe consequences on your relationship especially if she is "rubbing it in" to you which basically translates as competing for his affections. Lucky him to have two women competing over him!

 

Secondly, I'm sure your friends are waiting in the wings for you to come back. They may find it difficult to communicate with you whilst you're in the relationship. Do you protect him to them to save face? Its difficult to watch someone in a relationship like this and I'm sure this is part of your friends frustrations. I would advise to reach out to your closest friend and open the floodgates. You need a support system around you.

 

Lastly, he's 41, he's not with you tonight, he's gambling, drinking, making comments about other girls. I think its easy for all of us to put "But I'm in love with him!" as a reason for not leaving but I think it usually boils down to "I'm not good enough to find anyone better than him!" You really need to build up your own self-belief and security before he depletes it even more. This may give you the strength you need to find a relationship you'll be happy in.

[AllInOne]

I think you need to leave this guy. You need to use your head instead of your heart. Like the other poster typed go reconnect with a friend to help you through this.