Engaged but sex life is dwindling...

[princesssockhead]

Well I figured I would make a return to the Loveshack forums that I love so dearly. You all have been a big help to me in the past during break-ups, reunions, and really about everything in life.

 

So my fiance and I have been together for a little over 5 years, living together for most of those years. We actually split up last year right after Christmas although still dated each other while dating others. We got back together within 3 months of breaking up. Things have been a lot better although still could use some improvement from me and him. But we learn together and we have made it through a lot of obstacles and ultimately, we are in love and happy with each other.

 

However...

 

In the past several months our sex life has been pretty modest. We are both quite sexual people and in the past have had sex almost every day. But now it only happens maybe 2-3 times a week. I know this probably doesn't sound like a big deal but to me it's frightening.

 

I feel like because I've gained some weight during these winter months, that I have been a little bitchy due to working full-time in a high stress work environment and going to school part-time 3x a week - he no longer wants me in that way.

 

He watches porn and does it himself more than he does with me. I'm not the type of girl who hates porn either...I actually enjoy it sometimes but I do feel it should be an extra to an already great sex life and not a substitute for a real person. I don't get off nearly as much as I would like and I prefer being with him than doing it on my own.

 

I know I'm stressed, I know he's stressed, we are both slightly depressed probably partially due to the weather during these winter months. Money is tight, wedding planning is freaking hard, I don't look as good as I did 6 months ago (I've put on about 10 lbs. and my face isn't as "girlish or youthful" as it once was) so I know some of these factors contribute to the lack of excitement in the bedroom but....I guess I'm just stuck on thinking...wouldn't a couple be having MORE sex during their engagement?

 

The fact is that I am an anxious girl that really does think the worst when things are slightly off kilter and I am afraid to lose him if the sex isn't good now...I mean we are only going to grow older, get a little more flabbier, have kids, have less sleep and energy...the list could go on and on about how older couples have rocky periods (as in NO sex) in their sex lives.

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

 

We have talked about this on several occasions, I am the one who brings it up, and he just tells me he hasn't been in the mood. Although the other night he mentioned my body has changed. He wouldn't elaborate as I'm sure he was afraid of getting punched but doesn't saying "I do" mean taking someone for who they are and not what they look like at one particular point in their life?

 

Halp!!!

[whichwayisup]

Having sex daily and now going to 2-3 times a week - Uhh, worry when it becomes once or twice every few months or so.

 

If you two are going to get married, you have to know that sex sometimes takes a backseat and when that happens, don't overreact and think the world is ending. ALL couples go through stressful times, dry spells..The key is to communicate and still make special time together, even if it's outside of the bedroom.

 

Maybe you two need pre-marital counselling to understand what a marriage is all about.

[Tony T]

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Matter of fact, your high level of activity actually went for longer than average. Two to three times a week is quite excellent. For some interesting reading, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect What you will read won't make you bad or sexually less attractive. It's just a fact of life that sex gets less frequent as time moves on.

 

I agree with the above post. When it becomes extremely infrequent is when you should become somewhat concerned, although there are couples who have been married many years who do it every other month...or even every six months. Don't blame me, I'm just giving you the facts.

[Aloros]

10lbs? Psh! That's nothing. Part of his lack of desire may not be, directly, the way your body has changed, but may be linked to your changed attitude and perception. Can you really be THAT much less sexy?

 

Have you tried spicing things up a little recently? Does he turn you down if you put on a little something and initiate?

 

If you're making the effort and he's the one turning you down, you might want to examine his porn usage. Because really, if he's rubbing one off when you're ready, available, and waiting, he may have a problem.

 

And the Coolidge effect? If you're not satisfied with your sex life, then why settle for less just because "it happens"? Who wants to be a statistic?

[Walk]

I was wondering if maybe he was experiencing anxiety over getting married so he's become more distant intimately?

 

Haven't you ever gained a little weight over the holidays before?

 

If I had to hazard a guess as to the cause, I'd say the decrease in sex has more to do with your non-verbal language. I know when I gain weight, am feeling less then sexy, and am stressed, the last thing on my mind is being confidently sexy. 10 pounds is honestly NOT enough to make a difference, but how YOU react to the weight gain could be a big enough change to decrease the sexual encounters.

 

If you're less likely to flirt sexually, or show off your body, or you are inhibited about doing certain things because of how you look, then he's going to pick up on this. And it causes the other person to feel they're making you uncomfortable or that you're doing something you don't really want to do. Which could make someone less desirous of having sex with you when your body language is screaming your uncomfortable.

 

Whereas watching porn doesn't create the same feeling of guilt as he may feel when he forces you to have sex with him when your body language tells him you aren't comfortable with it. Maybe it's easier for him to masturbate then deal with the emotions that are created during sex.

 

Its a hypothesis, so take it as you want. But I know from experience that its not the weight gain that affects sex, it's how I act/talk that affects it. If I'm self-concious then I'm less able to arouse that desire in my partner. I have a harder time acting in sexy ways or flirting with my partner to create a sexual situation.

 

On the other hand, maybe he's dealing with some anxiety about marriage that he's either not ready to talk about with you, or isn't capable of dealing with at this time. In which case, he'll pull back some until he feels more comfortable with how he feels.

[princesssockhead]

I am happy to report back that I initiated some sexual healing last night as a means to cheer up my emo boy as it had been raining all day and we were bored homebodies. He happily accepted and told me he thought it was sexy that I wanted to make him feel better.

 

I appreciate everyone's advice and I am honestly in agreement with a lot of what you said.

 

After analyzing the situation a bit more (though also trying to step back and just be more relaxed) I discovered that I had been acting weird about sex and that often makes him act weird about it. My lack of self-esteem has been causing me to cover up my body and undress quickly before he can get a look. Plus, I get very hesitant to directly ask for what I want or want to do to him.

 

I know depression and stress plays the biggest role in it and I am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that even though sex is a great stress reliever, it doesn't always make it the easiest act to perform when under pressure. In other words, perhaps focusing on intimate connections will lead to stress relief in another way and open the door to more sexual opportunities because we are less stressed.

 

We have talked a good deal about going for pre-marital counseling and are open to the idea, if we can afford it and find the right person. One thing that has really supported us and perhaps influenced us in starting such an exciting journey together has been our spirituality that we've both been discovering with each other and through each other. I think if we could find some counseling that also included some of our faith, which is really quite liberal, it might be even more meaningful. Mostly, I want us to learn more about enhancing our communication (which is actually quite good) and find other ways to handle our moods (we are both moody cancers) that don't affect the other person so strongly.

 

Anyhow, thanks for the great advice and well-wishes. I'll let you know, in many other posts I am sure, about the road ahead.