Husband's valentine from friend at work

[justme22]

I would like to know what I should do about this situation. My husband has a female friend at work that I believe has serious feelings for him. I don't think anything would ever happen between them but I feel that their friendship is a little inappropriate. We have argued about this off and on for almost a year though I haven't brought it up in months. Too many things have happened to make me think this for me to post here. I just want to focus on something recent.

 

My husband's friend gave him a card for Valentine's Day that bothered me. It said "I was just thinking about you and started to feel warm all over. Either it's love or I just wet my pants. Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Your Sunshine".

 

I realize it's supposed to be funny, but it also seems like something you would give to someone you're romantically involed with rather than a friend. The signature also bothered me. YOUR sunshine? And why sunshine? (no it's not her name)

 

I asked him about it and he thought it was no big deal. He would never do anything with her and I have nothing to worry about. I said I didn't think he would but it seemed to me she has feelings for him and has for some time and he does nothing to discourage her. They have lunch together every day. He gives her rides to and from work when her car breaks down (for 3 weeks at a time). I feel like he should distance himself from her.

 

He laughed at me and told me I was being crazy. He said he can't contol what other people give him. What did I want him to do? Tell her he can't have lunch with her because his wife said so? Quit his job? Obviously this would make me seem controlling and bitchy. I told him I want him to care about my feelings.

 

He says that she isn't interested in him because they've discussed it and she said she doesn't. I think he knows she has feelings for him because it is pretty obvious but doesn't want to admit it to me because he doesn't want to lose the friendship. I wouldn't say he can't ever be around her but I think a married man should distance himself from a woman with feelings for him out of respect for his relationship.

 

Would anyone else be bothered by this card? What would you do? I asked him if it would bother him if I gave that same card to someone else and he said yes because I'm married. If it was just a friendly card why would it be a problem? How can I get him to understand that just because he doesn't have romantic feelings for her that doesn't make the situation ok?

[whichwayisup]

My husband's friend gave him a card for Valentine's Day that bothered me. It said "I was just thinking about you and started to feel warm all over. Either it's love or I just wet my pants. Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Your Sunshine".

 

I hate to tell you this, but he's (at best) having an emotional affair with this woman. She's hot after him and he's loving it. And YES! Receiving a card like that from her IS completely INAPPROPRIATE! HE knows this too! You ask him how he would feel is one of your male 'friends' sent you a valentine's card saying, " I was thinking about you and I'm hard. I think I'm in love, or in lust..." I bet your husband would want to RIP that guys head off!

 

I really hope he isn't having sex with her...

 

Anyway, the red flags are flying in your situation. Time to either hire a PI, put a keylogger on his computer or ask a friend whom he doesn't know to follow him. Get proof because he isn't going to admit to an affair UNTIL he's caught. Even then, he'll deny it and make it seem like it's all your fault.

 

Why else is he so protective of her and losing the friendship? If she meant nothing to him, then he would have no problem ending it, for your sake.

 

Do you two have children? IF so, he's not only cheating on you, he's betraying you all.

 

If he is actually cheating, would you forgive him? Or would you want a divorce?

[MakeLemonade]

I would like to know what I should do about this situation. My husband has a female friend at work that I believe has serious feelings for him. I don't think anything would ever happen between them but I feel that their friendship is a little inappropriate. We have argued about this off and on for almost a year though I haven't brought it up in months. Too many things have happened to make me think this for me to post here. I just want to focus on something recent.

 

My husband's friend gave him a card for Valentine's Day that bothered me. It said "I was just thinking about you and started to feel warm all over. Either it's love or I just wet my pants. Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Your Sunshine".

 

I realize it's supposed to be funny, but it also seems like something you would give to someone you're romantically involed with rather than a friend. The signature also bothered me. YOUR sunshine? And why sunshine? (no it's not her name)

 

I asked him about it and he thought it was no big deal. He would never do anything with her and I have nothing to worry about. I said I didn't think he would but it seemed to me she has feelings for him and has for some time and he does nothing to discourage her. They have lunch together every day. He gives her rides to and from work when her car breaks down (for 3 weeks at a time). I feel like he should distance himself from her.

 

He laughed at me and told me I was being crazy. He said he can't contol what other people give him. What did I want him to do? Tell her he can't have lunch with her because his wife said so? Quit his job? Obviously this would make me seem controlling and bitchy. I told him I want him to care about my feelings.

 

He says that she isn't interested in him because they've discussed it and she said she doesn't. I think he knows she has feelings for him because it is pretty obvious but doesn't want to admit it to me because he doesn't want to lose the friendship. I wouldn't say he can't ever be around her but I think a married man should distance himself from a woman with feelings for him out of respect for his relationship.

 

Would anyone else be bothered by this card? What would you do? I asked him if it would bother him if I gave that same card to someone else and he said yes because I'm married. If it was just a friendly card why would it be a problem? How can I get him to understand that just because he doesn't have romantic feelings for her that doesn't make the situation ok?

 

This is not a friendly card, this a lover's card with very sexual undertones.

 

I would say this is completely unacceptable, lunch everyday & rides all the time. I would say this is already beyond an EA into a PA, I could be wrong.

 

He is trying to make you think you are crazy, obviously, because he is guilty and trying to throw you off the scent. Trust your instincts.

 

Oh, and you're supposed to believe this? She's not interested because he talked to her and she said she wasn't huh?

 

This all just reeks of BS and EA/PA all the way around. Take whichway's advice and hire a PI or get a key-logger (if you have the means, a PI will be able to check them out at lunch or on their rides to work and see exactly what is going on fairly quickly). If it really is as they say, you will find that out too.

 

I hate to have to say all this because I am sure you very much want to believe that he is telling you the truth and that this really is all in your head, but I call em as I see em. I also hope I am wrong, but I fear that I am not.

[whichwayisup]

I also want to add, if it is the worst case senario here, don't be afraid to get counselling. We all can help support you, give you advice, try to make you feel better, but nothing like what a professional can do.

 

I am sorry this is happening to you!

[SimpleyMe]

I agree i think he is having some sort of A i hope it is'nt P yet.

 

Have you asked him if you can meet her since he says they are only friends?

 

You really need to get to the bottom of this do not let this continue any further.

 

He needs to respect you and your feelings stand your ground and don't back down

 

I wish you luck

[Lookingforward]

He's lucky he's your H and not mine... if he was mine he'd be at least 2" shorter after I cut him off at the ankles

 

That card was ENTIRELY inappropriate - trust your instincts

[Trimmer]

How did you learn of this card? Did he offer it to you, or did you discover it in some other way?

 

He laughed at me and told me I was being crazy. He said he can't contol what other people give him. What did I want him to do? Tell her he can't have lunch with her because his wife said so? Quit his job? Obviously this would make me seem controlling and bitchy. I told him I want him to care about my feelings.

Whether this is a big red flag or not, it's a bad thing within a relationship. Is this feeling - like he's not considering/caring about your feelings something relatively new, or has it been typical of your relationship even before this situation arose?

[OpenBook]

I think you have a big problem. But it's not your H's friend at work -- it's HIM. He is completely disrespecting you, your feelings, the M. For guys like him, it would be a moot point for you to get the keylogger/PI/etc -- if not her, he would just find someone else.

 

It sounds like one of two things:

 

(1) your H is very angry with you, or

(2) he is a poster child of misogyny.

 

Either way, he's the problem. But unfortunately, you're married to him, so that makes it your problem as well.

 

If I were you, I would get some IC and sort out exactly why you are staying in this marriage. If the payoff is bigger to stay than to leave, you'll need to figure out how to deal with his anger/misogyny. Sorting all this out usually requires help from a trained, objective professional. It would for anyone.

 

I am so sorry you're going through this. Hearing stories like this just makes my heart ache.

[StillSame]

They have lunch together every day. He gives her rides to and from work when her car breaks down (for 3 weeks at a time).

 

Some in here think that they are having at least an EA, but most likely a PA. I think it's very likely that it's a PA and you just don't know it. Here are the reasons:

 

1) Opportunity. They have lunch together EVERY DAY! Lots of things, flirting, ect. can be done during that time, including planning for time to cheat. 3 weeks or rides, right at her door step....com'on. You know that thing could very much have happened.

 

2) She is having serious feelings for him and he is enjoying it. He doesn't have to be having serious feelings for her to have an affair with her. If he is enjoying or allowing such attention and even encourage it, chances are he is taking advantage of it.

 

3) A woman will not continue making advances if it's always rejected. Based on that card, her advances are accepted. If he was was at her door step picking her up and she invites him in and offer him herself. Do you think if he rejected her and embarrassed her, she will still write such naughty card to him?

 

Keep your eyes open. It won't hurt to spy on him now on his email, phone records, hidden recorder, or even a PI.

[sunshinegirl]

How did you learn of this card? Did he offer it to you, or did you discover it in some other way?

 

That was my first question too. If he freely offered the card to the OP, then I am a little bit less worried about an EA or PA - don't cheating spouses go through much more effort to hide their affairs? Why would he show the card to his wife if he was having an affair? If this is the case, I think he's massively stupid and insensitive...but less likely to be a cheater.

 

But if you discovered it yourself, and then he started denying things and calling you crazy... then I'm with the others and think you may well have a cheater on your hands.

 

I'm so sorry.

[EnigmaXOXO]

He says that she isn't interested in him because they've discussed it and she said she doesn't.

 

I’m surprised this kind of conversation even went down between two people who are supposedly just friendly work colleagues. This isn’t the sort of topic that is even considered or discussed between two people whose feelings for each other are merely platonic. SOMEONE was at least curious enough to bring the subject up.

 

And yes .... on top of that, giving or exchanging Valentine sediments with someone who isn’t your significant other (unless it’s grade school) is completely inappropriate. If it were a birthday or Christmas card being exchanged at the workplace between mutual friends, that’s different. But Valentine’s takes it to a whole other level. UNLESS she gave a similar card to every other guy she works with.

 

Tell her he can't have lunch with her because his wife said so?

 

Hell yes! Let your husband use you as his excuse if he doesn’t have the stones to nix this without hurting her feelings. If his loyalties were in the right place, your feelings would already be his number one priority. Besides, who cares what someone outside of your family thinks of you? This is your marriage, not some sort of Ms. Congeniality contest.

 

How can I get him to understand that just because he doesn't have romantic feelings for her that doesn't make the situation ok?

 

He already knows. Which is why he’s admitted he wouldn’t like it if the situation were reversed. But so long as his loyalties are in the wrong place and it benefits his ego, he’s going to do all he can to make excuses for himself and her that he wouldn’t allow for you or anyone else.

 

The only chance you have is to stand up for yourself and don’t allow other people to gaslight you or make you feel guilty for ‘their’ inappropriate conduct. Refuse to be passive about this issue and protect your personal boundaries at all costs. And if your husband refuses to step up and make a choice between his marriage or this friendship ... then make the choice for him and show him the front door.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

If I were married and my husband showed me a card written by a coworker that said:

 

"I was just thinking about you and started to feel warm all over. Either it's love or I just wet my pants. Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Your Sunshine".

 

I'd tell him: That's hot! A la Paris Hilton. And forget all about it.

 

Ariadne

[openingup]

He's cheating. Occam's razor comes into play on this one - the most obvious answer is usually the correct one. If you don't want a direct confrontation with him, start showing up a his workplace around lunchtime and sweetly suggest that you two go out, then watch this woman fume. Do it a few times and don't announce yourself. Basically, make it hard for her to get her hooks in any further - be where she doesn't expect you. She'll start bitching and pressuring your husband, which will give him pause and scare him off. It takes some effort, but it works.

 

Think about it - now he sees her at her best every day - force a situation in which she'll have to show him her true colors (possessiveness, whining, jealousy.) She'll look much less attractive. Good luck to you - -

[IpAncA]

My husband's friend gave him a card for Valentine's Day that bothered me. It said "I was just thinking about you and started to feel warm all over. Either it's love or I just wet my pants. Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Your Sunshine".

 

I realize it's supposed to be funny, but it also seems like something you would give to someone you're romantically involed with rather than a friend. The signature also bothered me. YOUR sunshine? And why sunshine? (no it's not her name)

 

That was inappropiate to write.

 

They have lunch together every day. He gives her rides to and from work when her car breaks down (for 3 weeks at a time). I feel like he should distance himself from her.

 

And you still think nothing is going on after writing this?

 

He says that she isn't interested in him because they've discussed it and she said she doesn't. I think he knows she has feelings for him because it is pretty obvious but doesn't want to admit it to me because he doesn't want to lose the friendship. I wouldn't say he can't ever be around her but I think a married man should distance himself from a woman with feelings for him out of respect for his relationship.

 

They've discussed it? Good to know. And yes a married man should distance himself from another women who has feelings for him. Sounds to me like he likes all of this.

 

Would anyone else be bothered by this card? What would you do? I asked him if it would bother him if I gave that same card to someone else and he said yes because I'm married. If it was just a friendly card why would it be a problem? How can I get him to understand that just because he doesn't have romantic feelings for her that doesn't make the situation ok?

 

So it's okay for him to get these cards but not you? Now that's can be controlling. If he can get them then so can you.

[sally4sara]

He's cheating. Occam's razor comes into play on this one - the most obvious answer is usually the correct one. If you don't want a direct confrontation with him, start showing up a his workplace around lunchtime and sweetly suggest that you two go out, then watch this woman fume. Do it a few times and don't announce yourself. Basically, make it hard for her to get her hooks in any further - be where she doesn't expect you. She'll start bitching and pressuring your husband, which will give him pause and scare him off. It takes some effort, but it works.

 

Think about it - now he sees her at her best every day - force a situation in which she'll have to show him her true colors (possessiveness, whining, jealousy.) She'll look much less attractive. Good luck to you - -

 

While I love love love this suggestion and it would do it's damage to the OW attempts, it would be nice if you didn't have to pull such a manuver to get through to your partner.

 

I like your style Openingup.

[Lizzie60]

WOW... just WOW

 

I just can't believe this post.. you believe his crap.. geezz...

 

He's f*cking that woman a few times a week... I would bet my life on this one.. and he's laughing right in your face.

 

I can't believe a woman could be sooo naive to think that her H...

 

who has lunch every day with a woman,

drives her home,

get some sexual connotation V-card,

tells her that SHE'S crazy (typical from a cheater)...

 

....is not cheating on her. You need some kind of reality check my dear.

 

I'm shaking my head in disbelief.. really...

[HokeyReligions]

I guess I read this differently. My first thought was that he just does'nt have a clue and is flattered by the attention, and he's clueless because he's very secure in his marriage. He knows nothing is going on and has told you and just figures you are overreacting. My hubby does things like this sometimes and its hard for me to find a way to tell him my feelings sometimes, in such a way that it sinks in to him that my feelings are valid.

 

 

Keep trying to find a way to communicate to him that you trust him, but that your feelings are also valid and that, while you are certainly happy he is so secure, you also need - not want - for him to acknowledge that and to put you first. He's going to want to know exactly how you want him to put you first so have a reasonable answer for him. Clueless men need specific direction!

 

Do it lovingly, not naggingly, so he will not put up defenses and will be able to hear you and not just listen. If you have to, tell him that this has concerned you so much you sought some opinions from strangers on the Internet and that some of the responses scared you. If I were in your spot some of the responses here would scare the crap outta me!

[Lizzie60]

I guess I read this differently. My first thought was that he just does'nt have a clue and is flattered by the attention, and he's clueless because he's very secure in his marriage. He knows nothing is going on and has told you and just figures you are overreacting. My hubby does things like this sometimes and its hard for me to find a way to tell him my feelings sometimes, in such a way that it sinks in to him that my feelings are valid.

 

 

Keep trying to find a way to communicate to him that you trust him, but that your feelings are also valid and that, while you are certainly happy he is so secure, you also need - not want - for him to acknowledge that and to put you first. He's going to want to know exactly how you want him to put you first so have a reasonable answer for him. Clueless men need specific direction!

 

Do it lovingly, not naggingly, so he will not put up defenses and will be able to hear you and not just listen. If you have to, tell him that this has concerned you so much you sought some opinions from strangers on the Internet and that some of the responses scared you. If I were in your spot some of the responses here would scare the crap outta me!

 

I have to disagree here.. He does have a clue.. he knows exactly what he's doing unless he's retarded... come on...

 

I don't believe in 'clueless' men/women.. but I believe in 'lying/manipulative' individuals...

 

She already told him how she feels.. why should she give him specific directions.. she's not his mother.. he's not 12 years old. She's his wife and he's supposed to be at least as smart as she is... IMO

 

I just don't believe in 'clueless' married men..

[whichwayisup]

When a man receives a note like the one he got, trust me, HE knows what's going on. That and the amount of time spent with this woman, driving her, having lunch with her..They've bonded, emotionally connect, that much we know. Fact that she said "wet" and "love" in that valentine just shows it's more than a casual friendship.

[HokeyReligions]

I just don't believe in 'clueless' married men..

 

I should introduce you to my hubby - you'd be a believer then! LOL!

[Ariadne]

I should introduce you to my hubby - you'd be a believer then! LOL!

 

Hahaha....

[norajane]

WOW... just WOW

 

I just can't believe this post.. you believe his crap.. geezz...

 

He's f*cking that woman a few times a week... I would bet my life on this one.. and he's laughing right in your face.

 

I can't believe a woman could be sooo naive to think that her H...

 

who has lunch every day with a woman,

drives her home,

get some sexual connotation V-card,

tells her that SHE'S crazy (typical from a cheater)...

 

....is not cheating on her. You need some kind of reality check my dear.

 

I'm shaking my head in disbelief.. really...

 

Totally agree.

 

When you question a man about another woman and he tells you you're crazy, that's big huge flapping red flag that he's lying to you.

 

Think about it. Any sane person would question his behavior, and if he tells you differently, it's because he wants to make you doubt yourself, when in fact, it is his behavior that is causing your doubts.

 

I would hire that PI...when he's picking her up and dropping her off, he's also having sex with her.

[Lizzie60]

Yes...

 

the cheating MM might get angry at his wife when she brings up the subject; he doesn't want to talk about that...

 

he, sometimes, will start a fight so he can leave for a whole evening.. pretending he needed cool-down time..

 

they are 'clueless"

[Aloros]

I am only ok with my FI having that close a friendship with a woman if I've met them, spent a lot of time with them, met their SOs, and everything is above-board. My FI does have close friendships with women, but it is completely obvious to me that he thinks of them as sisters than with any sort of romantic attachment. And since they're all attached, it makes for some fun double dates!

 

That sort of card? COMPLETELY out of line. If he's not aware of that, he needs to be told. And less time spent with that woman, definitely. Time to draw a line in the sand and to be firm.

[elizabethjune]

So sorry to hear this because it sounds like you are starting on a journey I already went through. Flashback 5 years ago, my H met a girl at work and they became "BFF". Both swore up and down it was nothing more. She would come over to "hang out" while I wasn't home. Her kids (she was married too) would have play dates with our kids, but I wasn't included. Rides to work, lunches, everything sounds so familar. Especially the denial and the gullible-ness on your part. I was the exact same way. I suspected, argued, tried to communicate and all H did was deny. I made myself believe him and the whole time he was lying and manipulating me. I wish I had advice for you. Nothing I did worked. He always denied there was anything going on. Everything came out in the end but it was 2 years of complete torture for me. Looking back, I think I should have hired a PI. At least I would have known the truth earlier. That card is clearly crossing a line. My gut (and obviously yours too) says something is going on and if it isn't, it's about to start. Sounds like you've tried talking to him and he isn't going to cop up and tell the truth. Don't put up with it. Have respect for yourself like I didn't. Once the trust is broken, it's next to impossible to rebuild and only when both parties throw in 110%. Keep your eyes and ears open and trust your instincts.