Husband's valentine from friend at work

[Ariadne]

Everything came out in the end but it was 2 years of complete torture for me...it's next to impossible to rebuild and only when both parties throw in 110%.

 

So what happened?

 

How did you find out? Are you still with your husband?

[JamesM]

I would like to know what I should do about this situation.

 

Be upfront as you have been and tell him that to you, this is inappropriate. And as his wife, he should respect your feelings over hers. He needs an ultimatum or wake up call. He MUST make a choice. Since he does lunch with her, then you may want to start doing lunch with your own husband at least once a week. You may also want to get to know this woman before it is too late.

 

My husband's friend gave him a card for Valentine's Day that bothered me. It said "I was just thinking about you and started to feel warm all over. Either it's love or I just wet my pants. Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Your Sunshine".

 

As a guy, I think this shows that HE calls her his sunshine. If she had said it without the word your, then one could say she was just flirting. This indicates that he considered this her "name."

 

I realize it's supposed to be funny, but it also seems like something you would give to someone you're romantically involved with rather than a friend. The signature also bothered me. YOUR sunshine? And why sunshine? (no it's not her name)

 

I agree. Go with your gut.

 

I asked him about it and he thought it was no big deal. He would never do anything with her and I have nothing to worry about.

 

Fact is...he would deny it if he was doing anything with her. It could be that he has not crossed the line yet, but I think he wants to cross that line.

 

They have lunch together every day. He gives her rides to and from work when her car breaks down (for 3 weeks at a time). I feel like he should distance himself from her.

 

This is a huge red flag. When I was an Operations Manager, I always wanted to know who was having lunch with whom. No, I was not stalking anyone, nor was I nosy...nor did I really want to know everyone's lunch partners. But when someone began having lunches exclusively with one other person, then there was a strong likelihood that something was going on between them...or it may happen. My statistical percentages with this were extremely high. Fact is...when I was single, it was true for me as well. So, when a MM or a MW began to spend time exclusively together, the chances were high that there was an affair or there was going to be one. This was important as manager to know what incidents may occur as a result of a relationship.

 

If I was your H's boss, this lunch thing every day would be a big red flag. And I doubt her car is really out of commission.

 

He laughed at me and told me I was being crazy.

 

Naturally. If he wanted you to be reassured, then he would try to distance himself. Besides, at worst he is in a sexual affair. At best, he loves the attention...and may hope for the affair.

 

Would anyone else be bothered by this card? What would you do? I asked him if it would bother him if I gave that same card to someone else and he said yes because I'm married. If it was just a friendly card why would it be a problem? How can I get him to understand that just because he doesn't have romantic feelings for her that doesn't make the situation ok?

 

Yes, it would bother me if she was my wife or if my wife had such a relationship with a man. He knows that the card shows something or he would not care if you sent one to someone. And he knows that she means it because he knows that if a guy received such a card from you, he would believe that you had the hots for him...or were already in an affair.

 

My first thought was an affair. IMO, it was confirmed when I read they do lunches EVERY day.

 

What is your marriage like? Do you have any problems?

[leftinthedark]

WOW!!!

 

They DEFINATELY are already sleeping together. Of course he'll deny it, especially if you actually let him think you believe him.

 

Her car breaks down 3 times a week??? COME ON!!!

 

Tell her to get a new car, not your husband.

 

No one makes comments in that sexual of a nature without already sleeping together.

 

Tell your husband YOU KNOW he is having an affair and it ends now or he can pack his things and get out.

 

I want to kick him in his ass myself.

[Lookingforward]

WOW!!!

 

Her car breaks down 3 times a week??? COME ON!!!

 

No...OP said the gal's car broke down and once she needed rides for a 3 week period lol

 

This guy needs to start respecting his WIFE'S feelings, not some chick at work, even if it IS innocent (which frankly I doubt)... if the guy really is that clueless, this woman needs to be put back in her place, swiftly and firmly.

 

That said, if it was me, I'd seriously be questioning how much my H does respect me etc.

[openingup]

Thanks SFS. I say all's fair in love and war, and if the wife happens to be smarter, why not have a little fun at the OW's expense? (God knows, the OW has probably had plenty at hers. . . )

 

Besides, why have a full-blown confrontation with a H if you can get him to see the error of his ways on his own? It may be more effective - everyone hates to be called out and it could backfire if the OW is sugary and sympathetic.

 

Overeducated badass women of the world unite!

[Tomcat33]

Oh my god are you kidding me? You have nothing to worry about...?!?!?

 

Not only is your H having something with this woman (a line of some sort has already been crossed) he is so disrespectful towards you that he flaunts it right infront of you. If my husband brought home a card from a female co-worked that was signed "your sunshine" AND on top it said something to the effect that she is "wet" to see him, not only would I suspect he is having an A I would not stop inquiring about it until I got to the bottom of things. Not to mention it is COMPLETELY inapropriate for a co-worker to give that type of card to another coworker who is ALSO married. There are so many things wrong with this picture on so many levels, we can have a hay day with it.

 

Oh and the best part, the all time favourite line that men in these cases use on their women "you are crazy" that's the closing line. It's male code for, "stop it because if you continue trying to figure me out I am going to ensure I make you believe you are even more looney tunes" and no woman likes being called crazy....

 

Ever heard the expression "when asked about something you don't want to talk about just use denial denial denial" until there is proof against them, denial works great for a liar!

 

I'm sorry to say but you have plenty to worry about.

[elizabethjune]

So what happened?

 

How did you find out? Are you still with your husband?

 

 

We are still together. Does that make me an idiot? We have three kids together and that makes it so hard to just walk away. Long story short - she went psycho, the police got involved, he admitted everything, cut all ties, changed phone nos., he "repented", we got involved at church and we have been working on our relationship ever since. However I have been left with such a deep emotional scar, I still doubt whether or not we will make it and rebuilding the trust is a continuos effort. We got married at 17 and 18 and this May will be 10 years. There have been many times that I have told myself I should have ended things a long time ago but I was too gullible and naive and I didn't have the strength to do it then. Maybe if I had an outlet like this and an opportunity to meet other people that have gone through the same thing, I would've been able to. Funny, I saw the OW and her H at the dr. office yesterday. No altercation though. No police this time.

[Ariadne]

We are still together. Does that make me an idiot? We have three kids together

 

No, I think that's wonderful.

 

True love is unconditional.

 

Thanks for the update, got to run now.