I cant see anyone as more than sex anymore.

[insincere]

I was in a long relationship and "in love" or what every 18 year old thinks as love untill i got to university. we broke up as he couldnt deal with the fact i wanted to go out with friends. if i wasnt in bed at 11 pm when he called me a night i didnt love him anymore supposedly and eventually i had to break up with him to stay sane.

 

he was my first proper boyfriend and my first sexual partner, and the fact he didnt trust me drove me to sleep with stupidly large ammounts of people once we broke up. i figurede id get it out my system and that id find someone new eventually.

 

the problem is, its now coming up for 3 and a half years and i havent felt attracted to anyone since. ive slept with people, but not been attracted to them, if you get me? they are ok to sleep with, buty they dont tick the boxes of what i want. i couldnt see myself with them or introducing them to my parents etc.

 

i dont feel anything for anyone anymore. i just seem to use a boy for sex, knowing full well they dont fit what i want. i havent seen anyone i fancy in years.

 

and all i want is to be able to fall in love and feel secure in my choice just for a little while. but my brian just sees boys as sex, and nothing more.

 

i dont know what to do.

[norajane]

I believe in order to have room in our lives to say yes to the things we want, we do have to start saying no to the things we don't want.

 

Stop having random sex with boys...it's not really making you happy and it's not what you want. Focus on yourself and in developing the person you want to be, living the kind of life you want for yourself. You will eventually start attracting men (not boys), and one of them WILL be someone you can fall in love with.

 

But you first have to get out of the zone you are in now where boys only represent sex (and probably not even really good sex!). You need to stop seeing men only as sex partners - it's a selective habit that maybe causes you to miss noticing the guys whom you could be attracted to if you got to know their other qualities, rather than just their superficial attractiveness.

[Geishawhelk]

It's a psychological block you've put into place to stop yourself getting hurt again. having sex with all and sundry is just a defiant "see I can do it, and I give a shoot!"

 

You've mentally blocked yourself from being able to care.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

You are not ready to date if you see everyone this way.... take time out to be with you and then figure out what you want - go for it, when you are ready.

[insincere]

but i cant go for it if i dont find anyone attractive.

 

i hate being me and i hate being alone me.

 

all my friends have boyfrineds they live with and im having to live at home because i have no one.

 

how do i stop a mental block when i dont find anyone attainabke attractive. msurely i need to find someone superficially attractive to start with.

[norajane]

but i cant go for it if i dont find anyone attractive.

 

i hate being me and i hate being alone me.

 

all my friends have boyfrineds they live with and im having to live at home because i have no one.

 

how do i stop a mental block when i dont find anyone attainabke attractive. msurely i need to find someone superficially attractive to start with.

 

Of course you need to find them attractive, but you don't need to have sex with them right away. Get to know them better and see if you LIKE them as people, see if you have things in common, a similar sense of humor and way of looking at the world, whether you actually enjoy each other's company and appreciate each other before having sex.

 

Sex before developing emotional intimacy has a way of stopping emotional intimacy from developing! It becomes all about the sex and less about whether you two are even good together to begin with.

[insincere]

but im into the less vanilla type of things in bed. thus, if i wait and then when we do have sex show my true personality, i scare off boys. .

 

its hopeless.

[norajane]

Maybe it's the boys you are choosing, boys being the operative word. Men aren't scared so easily by kinky sex.

[Geishawhelk]

how do i stop a mental block when i dont find anyone attainable attractive. surely i need to find someone superficially attractive to start with.

Nope. Because the block is stopping you, period.

You're stopping yourself from finding ANYONE attractive as a self-protective device to stop yourself getting hurt again.

And it's pretty powerful. Which on the face of it, is surprising....

Mind you, I don't know you, I don't know your circumstances, anything about your upbringing, anything about your relationship with your parents, or even what your parents taught you (or what you learnt from them) about personal dignity, and about respect - both for others and for yourself.

So I couldn't really tell you if this is relevant to this issue, or whether in fact it's a lot more deeply ingrained, through past experiences.

 

Think about it.

Things like this don't just happen, out of the blue...

[Seaman Staines]

all my friends have boyfrineds they live with and im having to live at home because i have no one.

Don't be in a rush to get hooked up, because some of your friends will probably break up with their boyfriends. And then they will be back to square one.

 

I suggest you wait until you really fancy someone before you have sex again. Or you should consider a FWB arrangement, to stop you from feeling lonely when you are horny.

[insincere]

but the silly guy always falls in love. bah. im sleeping witha friend currently and he asked this morning if he was just sex to me, after i had explained from the start it was just sex. its all so confusing.

[Geishawhelk]

Hello.... sorry, is anyone reading my posts, or shall I just shaddup??

[insincere]

well yes i am, but they are really deep and insightfull but off no soultion, just insight as to why im so ****ed up.

[Seaman Staines]

Hello.... sorry, is anyone reading my posts, or shall I just shaddup??

You're so good that you can answer your own questions!

[Geishawhelk]

Of course there's a solution! What do you mean they're no solution?

 

 

(But you're gonna have to figure that one out for yourself! And it takes effort, and a lot of hard work.....)

 

I think you're either in denial, or you just can't be asked to deal with it.

Well that's fine, that's your choice, of course it is.

Ok, so you realise then, that you're going to carry on having this problem?

Until you face you have certain problems that need addressing, you can ask, and try to figure it out, and find quick-fix solutions 'til you're blue in the face.

It's not going to get better.

papering over the cracks doesn't work.

 

This is the problem with loads of young people in general.

Instant gratification, and instant solutions.

And no, I really am not having a go at you. I'm just trying to tell it like it is.

 

Ok.

If you want to look at it some more, let me know.

Otherwise, good luck, and stay well.

 

I'm outta here.

 

 

 

Doesn' work that way.

[Geishawhelk]

sorry... come again, seaman staines...?