About the pain of divorce

[JustBreathe]

My husband and I have been married 25 years. We have had serious problems for the last 5, mostly due to his confessing to affairs, but even though I loved him very much (or thought I did) for the years before his confession, our marriage has never been happy. I think it might have been if he had been more communicative and less angry and if I had not responded so extremely negatively and hurtfully to neglect and abandonment. I cannot forgive and am prone to depression and he cannot give of himself. That's a no win relationship any way you look at it.

 

I read someone on the net that got me thinking.

 

Do you suppose the pain of a divorce, the pain of the ending of a relationship is basically just pure WITHDRAWAL? You hurt, you think you must love the person you're divorcing but what it really is is that you are withdrawing from what was essentially an addiction. Like any other addiction. That's why you separate then you get back together only to fall into the same trap again, unhappy and unloved. That's why you go round and round with ending your relationship and not because you love your spouse and are still in love with them? You assume because you feel so bad you must love your spouse. But could it really be that you can't stand the withdrawal of an addiction you know is bad for you? Like the pains and loss an addict goes through when giving up their booze, drugs, etc?

 

Can it be that simple?

[Tripper]

JB, my marriage ended after 23 years. Here's what I learned and can tell you 9 years later, including 2 years of therapy (I have clinical depression but do lead a balanced life), and I don't know how many self help books.

 

After such a long time together, your lives are blended. You don't realize how co- and inter-dependent on each other you are. Also it's a familiar, if not likable, place to be.

When you separate/divorce for the first time you are truly on your own. No safety net, no shoulder to cry on. Financially you have half or less than what you had. You are truly out of your comfort zone. AND THIS is a very scary place to be.

It's easy to slip back into the marriage/comfort zone no matter how unhappy it is because it's safe... and it's familiar.

However, you don't really grow as a person until you leave your comfort zone. In my years post divorce I was astounded at how many of life's lessons there were to learn. Unfortunately these have to be learned by the individual and the passage of time.

9 years later, I am in a healthier, balanced position with a better understanding of what is truly important to me.

No one can tell you to go or to stay.. for no one really understands what your situation is or what you are going through... so that becomes your decision. All I can tell you is that there is a life after divorce and that it takes time and courage to get there. It's not easy at first.

Lastly, there is no dress rehearsal for life. This is it and you only go around once... so make it everything you want it to be.

[Ronni_W]

Do you suppose the pain of a divorce, the pain of the ending of a relationship is basically just pure WITHDRAWAL?

Can it be that simple?

For me, there is also the loss of dreams that must be grieved. Even if those dreams were built on wrong beliefs and crazy assumptions, the end of the relationship signals the end of those dreams.

 

There is the shifting of relationships with in-laws and friends and, sometimes, family members. Realigning of allegiances and having to find new ways to meet needs and wants that were previously met, however dysfunctionally, in the relationship.

 

For me, "withdrawal pain" could most easily be applied to changes in my routine and habits -- I also experienced "loss pain" and "disappointment pain", amongst many others. Maybe it just depends on one's own definition and how many feelings one includes in the single term?

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you suppose the pain of a divorce, the pain of the ending of a relationship is basically just pure WITHDRAWAL?

 

Can it be that simple?

I don't think it is. I think a traumatic divorce is like any other tragedy in one's life and you process it the same way - in stages. It's the same as the death of a family member as you go through the anger, denial, yearning and every other emotion along the way to acceptance. To me, labeling as just "withdrawal" is an over simplification...

 

Mr. Lucky

[directx]

I'm pretty sure my marriage is going to result in ending sometime in the future as well. While I thought I would be relieved, it was actually quite painful just thinking it may be reality. (we were having quite a talk yesterday about how divorce is very likely between us.)

 

The way Ronni_W described it was quite accurate I believe.

[Gunny376]

Yes it is that simple ~ seperation, divorce, breaking up is withdrawing from an addiction that your own body created.

 

A couple of quick reads on this very subject your refering to are:

 

Feb 2006 edition of National Geographic Magazine and the 28th of Jan 2008 edition of "Time"

 

Should you wish to go deeper into the subject a couple of quick and easy to read books:

 

"When Mars and Venus Collide" Dr. John Gray

 

and

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" (Don't recall the authors right off the top of my head.

 

If your up to even heavier reading? (And I mean heavy) You might want to look for a book titled "Brain Sex" uses a lot of scientific and medical terms your average man or woman on the street would have trouble pronoucing let along understand. A degree in bio-chemistry would come in hand.

 

A lot of understanding has been gained over the last couple of years since the advent of brain scans ~ and they show that people "in-love" have almost identical scans as those that suffer with OCD ~ Obssesive Compulsive Disorder.

 

The National Geogrphic articles covered this ~ as well as the fact that the bio-chemicals that the brain produces when we're "in-love" are as stronger is not stronger than crack cocaine and cyrstal meth ~ which by the way? Chemically? Releases endorphines times X cubed?

 

Endorphines is the reward you brain/body gives you when you do certain things? Primarly sex and orgaisms ~ The mental, emotional, physical high you get from really good sex? Is an endorphine "rush" and "high"

 

Dr. Gray goes on to explain how bio-chemicals and hormones affect men and women differntly. For example he explains why most men want to roll over and go to sleep after sex ~ and why women want to cuddle after sex. Its the difference in how men and women's brains are hardwired and react to different hormones.

 

Men and women's brains are very much "hard-wired" very differently, BTW. Women very much have a need to talk.

 

A lot of the problems between men and women in the current era? Is that biologically our bodies and brains are still back on the savannah's of Africa ten ~ twenty thousand years ago? But, we have the current social-cultural landscape of 2008. You can hike that up over just the last 100 years ~ when women gained the right to vote ~ and "equal rights"

 

Whereas it use to be a "man's world" socially, culturally, and legaly ~ in many, many ways its more of a woman's world.

 

When you go from a society-culture where women baiscally don't have any rights? To a world where your trying to balance things out ~ you can expect a rough ride for any number of years. It will take another hundred years or so to achieve an healthy and fair balance.

[Meaplus3]

My husband and I have been married 25 years. We have had serious problems for the last 5, mostly due to his confessing to affairs, but even though I loved him very much (or thought I did) for the years before his confession, our marriage has never been happy. I think it might have been if he had been more communicative and less angry and if I had not responded so extremely negatively and hurtfully to neglect and abandonment. I cannot forgive and am prone to depression and he cannot give of himself. That's a no win relationship any way you look at it.

 

I read someone on the net that got me thinking.

 

Do you suppose the pain of a divorce, the pain of the ending of a relationship is basically just pure WITHDRAWAL? You hurt, you think you must love the person you're divorcing but what it really is is that you are withdrawing from what was essentially an addiction. Like any other addiction. That's why you separate then you get back together only to fall into the same trap again, unhappy and unloved. That's why you go round and round with ending your relationship and not because you love your spouse and are still in love with them? You assume because you feel so bad you must love your spouse. But could it really be that you can't stand the withdrawal of an addiction you know is bad for you? Like the pains and loss an addict goes through when giving up their booze, drugs, etc?

 

Can it be that simple?

 

I don't think it's ever that simple..even when the love is gone. After sharing a life with someone.. having children, a house the same friend's. and family it's still difficult to go through.

 

AP:)