V-day Texting Disaster

[shadowsfall]

Just a heads up to everyone this may or may not be a big deal but it's killing me inside. So my GF and I have been together 2 years now, off and on. I felt like things have been going good recently until I saw the phone bill after Valentine's Day. She had text me a message she received from an old family "friend" in Virginia. Maybe some of you had received it also, the message reads as follows:

 

FWD: MMMUAH! U have just been blown a Valentine's Day KISS & I WANT ONE BACK!! If you get 1-3 ur sweet, 4-6 hot and 7-9 freaking gorgeous.

 

So after she sends it to me I reply back saying "I Hope you didn't send that to any of your male friends". She responds, "does it really matter"? I let it go and wait a couple days. According to the phone bill she sent it to one of her OTHER male friends who's also her boss, who ALWAYS calls her, ALWAYS text's her and who I've always hated because this guy clearly has alterior motives. They talk for 30minutes sometimes a night, he text's her really early in the morning, and they carry on text conversations late at night (ONLY when I'm not around of course). Anyway he sent the text right back to her of course. WHY WOULD SHE SEND HIM A MESSAGE LIKE THAT? IS it just me or is that a pretty intimate message that should only be sent to your SO? OR am I making a big deal over a stupid text message and just move on? ALso we got into a fight last night, and she calls him like immediately after to confide in him all the time!! I'm so fed up with her always running to him! Is that also a red flag?

[norajane]

That text isn't the only sign that she's too into her boss. All their calls and texts back and forth should tell you that. You need to be less concerned about HIS intentions, and more concerned with HER intentions. SHE is the one who is continuing their too-friendly relationship - he wouldn't get anywhere if she didn't encourage it as she is doing.

 

It might be time to consider ending things. A woman who loves you and is totally into you wouldn't be that way with another guy.

[shadowsfall]

That's what I have the biggest problem understanding is why SHE is reciprocating this type of behavior, because It's clear what HIS intentions are. Is it possible she could of been lying to me the last 2 YEARS about their supposed platonic relationship? Can someone possibly carry on a lie that long? AND why would she call him right after we got done fighting last night? She called him repeatedly! Why? It's almost like HE is her backup.

Edited February 16, 2008 by shadowsfall

[shadowsfall]

Does anyone have any other advice? Is there any possibility they are JUST friends even with all the frequent contact after 2 years? Isn't someone always bound to develop feelings for the other person over time?

[AllInOne]

Does anyone have any other advice? Is there any possibility they are JUST friends even with all the frequent contact after 2 years? Isn't someone always bound to develop feelings for the other person over time?

 

I don't know what is going on with your girl and her boss but it doesn't look good. I would read NJ's post again.

[jerbear]

Does anyone have any other advice? Is there any possibility they are JUST friends even with all the frequent contact after 2 years? Isn't someone always bound to develop feelings for the other person over time?

 

I dont' think they are friends. You seem to seek validation for your feelings are saying versus what the red flags are saying.

 

I think it maybe time to reevaluate the relationship. yes, re-read NoraJane's post.

[shakenandstirred]

This has more red flags than a russian celebration parade! Texts early in the morning. Texts when you are not home. They are definately more than friends . It definately rings of an emtional affair and could have already gotten physical. If she is being secretive, then she is up to no good. She may like the fact that The BOSS is giving her attention. Women find men in control or with authority appealing. If she has known him for 2 years I bet that something has gone down. The fact that she calls him after a fight is another red flag. She is definately in an emotional affair. You better start pulling on the reigns or your little philly will jump the fence. I bet a dime to a dozen doughnuts she has thought about it already:confused:

[Bryanp]

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. The bottom line is that she is playing you for a fool and I think down deep you know this. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting?

[Replicant]

This should have been a big deal to you the moment you noticed a strange level of communication between the two. Above all this is a huge level of disrespect here from both her and her boss. To answer your initial question, any Valentine is not meant as a chain letter to multiple guys so if she is sending such wishes to her boss that should just be yet another red flag here.

 

She is the primary person at fault here, being responsible for her own actions and not stopping whatever has been going on here before it has become what it is now. If it's her choice to disrespect you it is your place to show her to the curb and not put up with such trash. Secondly, her boss is also being very disrespectful in the sense of all this texting and calling her at times she is likely with you, full well knowing she is in a relationship also...like you said he has his own ulterior motives in play. He's playing devils advocate...running you down in such cases like after your fight with her, just waiting in the wings until she makes the decision to bail on you for good. She's biding time, playing things out her way.

[EYECANDY000]

I was going to say that it was just a platonic text and you shouldnt read more into it, until I read the part that she called him after you two had a fight.

 

With that said, Your g/f and him are defintaly messing around with each other. Your suspicions on this guy is correct, and it seems he is playing your g/f. Im sure he sees this as the perfect opportuinty to get what he wants. He gets to have a girl without the emotional attachment. And act as her support system. I wouldnt be surprised if she went to him every time you two had an argument, and he always had negative things to say about you. Sort of acting like he cares and then bashing you. You need to have a serious talk with her , or end it.

 

Frankly I think this girl is a cheater! why would she go and cry to him, instead of coming to the source and finding out whats wrong with the relationship.

[LikesMeNot]

The text wasn't a biggy, but her calling him after a fight is clearly a huge warning. She is cheating emotionally, if not physically, and is definitly thinking of cheating. Low-lifes like her deserve to be broken up with, when their intentions come true. Move on, she's not "the one". End it. Now.

[Ariadne]

Does anyone have any other advice? Is there any possibility they are JUST friends even with all the frequent contact after 2 years? Isn't someone always bound to develop feelings for the other person over time?

 

Ok,

 

IS it just me or is that a pretty intimate message that should only be sent to your SO?

 

No, that was not an intimate message, that was some stupid chain thing.

 

Aside from that. What does it matter to you anyway if it's a red flag or not?

 

You are obviously pussy whipped and will take her no matter what.

 

The proof is that you've been on and off with her for two years and you keep taking her back, and now she is being close friends and confident with some guy in your face and you just take it.

 

It'll continue like that till she decides to dump you again.

 

Actually, it all boils down to this question:

 

Isn't someone always bound to develop feelings for the other person over time?

 

Meaning, do you guys think she'll dump me for that guy?

Edited February 17, 2008 by Ariadne

[shadowsfall]

First of all thank you for all the replies. I have taken everything into consideration. Now let me give you an update.

 

Well after I confronted her about the text message she sent to him she got pissed. She knew I had looked at her phone bill and saw who she had been talking to and threw a fit. Now I don't usually make it a habit of snooping on her, however like I said I've had my suspicions with their relationship for a while. I needed to know how often they are communicating behind my back. I was amazed to see several 30 minute conversations just about every night I wasn't with her. She always told me she was either studying or talking to one of her girlfriends by the way when she was actually on the phone with him. Her justification for lying was because she knew I would get mad if she told me she was talking to him. That doesn't make it look any better though.

 

Anyway she called me a bunch of names and told me that since I can't get over my jealousy and because I feel the need to check up on her all the time that we shouldn't be together. So it ended yesterday. A part of me feels guilty as she tried to turn around the argument on me in saying that it's my fault she lied to me because I'm too jealous and judgemental. I agree that I was pissed a lot of the time when they talked because I found it to be too frequent and inappropriate for someone in a relationship. I also agree with everyone about the emotional affair. She runs to him with everything and confides in him about her problems more than with me. However I'm not 100% convinced anything has happened physically though because from the messages i've seen on her phone or heard from him, they are not intimate at all. Is there anyway at all that she could be right about there relationship? That it is just a friendship and nothing more like she tells me?? I mean they don't hang out on the weekends at all, she's with me just about every weekend. The only contact they have is at work and maybe going to lunch occasionally. Why would she spend so much time with me if she was into him?? She's making me feel like it's my fault, that because I couldn't deal with my jealousy, that is why it's ending? I don't want to feel like I made a mistake here and couldn't deal with her having a male best friend.

Edited February 18, 2008 by shadowsfall

[norajane]

Looks like she did a really good job of turning the argument around on you and blaming you for being jealous when she was the cause if it through her behavior, since you are doubting yourself instead of her.

 

Don't second guess yourself. Whether she was physical with him (yet) or not, her relationship with him was inappropriate and causing problems between because she lied repeatedly, created distance between you, and didn't respect your feelings one little bit about their relationship.

 

IF he was "only" a friend and YOU were important to her, she'd have had no problem in introducing you, getting together while you were there with them, and she wouldn't have broken up with you - she'd have tried to find a compromise.

[shadowsfall]

IF he was "only" a friend and YOU were important to her, she'd have had no problem in introducing you, getting together while you were there with them, and she wouldn't have broken up with you - she'd have tried to find a compromise.

 

I agree with you Norajane. I've actually met the guy a few times and the first time I did it seemed very much like either she was holding back public affection with me cuz she was embarassed or something, or I was just being overly paranoid. However, according to her I'm not allowed to go around him anymore because she knows I don't like him and she doesn't feel comfortable with it. And if they DO hang out it's usually with other mutual friends. There was actually though one time about a month ago when she asked me if she could go to the movies with him alone. I was upset about it, but I regrettably said she could go. Then after she came back I was still mad and we got into a shouting match about that.

 

I think if she cared more about me that she would want to do whatever she can to help put my mind at ease about their relationship and work towards a compromise. The sheer fact that she refuses to slow down any part of their relationship and continue this on makes me sick.

 

With all of this being said the REAL issue here is now about me checking her phone bill. She said THAT is the biggest reason why we aren't together, because I invaded her privacy.

[norajane]

With all of this being said the REAL issue here is now about me checking her phone bill. She said THAT is the biggest reason why we aren't together, because I invaded her privacy.

 

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that you felt you had to check her phone bill because her relationship with this guy didn't feel right to you and you didn't believe she was being honest with you. And you found out she wasn't.

[jerbear]

With all of this being said the REAL issue here is now about me checking her phone bill. She said THAT is the biggest reason why we aren't together, because I invaded her privacy.

 

I think she got caught and is very upset. She is spinning it to that you didn't trust her. It is a catch 22.

 

I've done something similar in the past with an ex. She would say nothing is happening then when I ask what about x, y, and z. She would backtrack. Say she was trying to protect me. Needless to say she became an ex and I ended a 3 year relationship. It was a boundary I've set and she knew it was a non-negotiable with me.

 

Seems like you've given her a non-negotiable and now she pulled the break-up card.

 

IMO, Just let her be.

[Ariadne]

OMG

 

------

 

~ I confronted her about the text message she sent to him she got pissed.

 

~ I saw who she had been talking to and she threw a fit.

 

~ her justification for lying was because she knew I would get mad

 

~ she called me a bunch of names

 

~ since I can't get over my jealousy and because I feel the need to check up on her all the time that we shouldn't be together.

 

~ So it ended yesterday.

 

~ A part of me feels guilty

 

~ I agree that I was pissed a lot

 

~ Is there anyway at all that she could be right about there relationship?

 

~ I don't want to feel like I made a mistake here

 

-----

 

How more typical pussy whipped can you get?

 

Why would she spend so much time with me if she was into him??

 

Because she probably is trying to get him and she can't yet.

 

She's making me feel like it's my fault, that because I couldn't deal with my jealousy, that is why it's ending?

 

No. She is ending it because she doesn't give a sht about you. That's why.

 

But you'll continue to believe whatever she says till the end.

[norajane]

OMG

 

------

 

~ I confronted her about the text message she sent to him she got pissed.

 

~ I saw who she had been talking to and she threw a fit.

 

~ her justification for lying was because she knew I would get mad

 

~ she called me a bunch of names

 

~ since I can't get over my jealousy and because I feel the need to check up on her all the time that we shouldn't be together.

 

~ So it ended yesterday.

 

~ A part of me feels guilty

 

~ I agree that I was pissed a lot

 

~ Is there anyway at all that she could be right about there relationship?

 

~ I don't want to feel like I made a mistake here

 

-----

 

How more typical pussy whipped can you get?

 

Why would she spend so much time with me if she was into him??

 

Because she probably is trying to get him and she can't yet.

 

She's making me feel like it's my fault, that because I couldn't deal with my jealousy, that is why it's ending?

 

No. She is ending it because she doesn't give a sht about you. That's why.

 

But you'll continue to believe whatever she says till the end.

 

 

That's it exactly, Ariadne.

 

shadowsfall, reread this over and over.

[shadowsfall]

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that you felt you had to check her phone bill because her relationship with this guy didn't feel right to you and you didn't believe she was being honest with you. And you found out she wasn't.

 

Nora you're right, that is the real issue in a nutshell. I'm sick of all the lies, cover-ups and "just friend's" responses. When we first started going out 2 years ago, she actually lied to me one night and went out with HIM to a club with some other friends. She told me she was at her friend's wedding. I think i've been stupid to tolerate her crap this long. She obviously isn't ready for a relationship.

 

Seems like you've given her a non-negotiable and now she pulled the break-up card.

 

Yea I gave her an ultimatum regarding her contact with him. Can you believe for about 6 months I actually used to wake every morning I was with her to a txt message from him waking her up so she wasn't late for school? He would do that EVERY morning until I told her NO MORE. She refuses to respect my wishes because she thinks I'm overly jealous and controlling. When all I'm really trying to do is set a respectable boundary and have a healthy relationship. All I can do now is let her go and move on I guess.

 

As far as ARIADNE's post I think I'll put that up on my refrigerator! I need a constant reminder of why this is the right decision for both of us.

Edited February 18, 2008 by shadowsfall

[shakenandstirred]

She wanted her cake and eat it too. She had you both. She never respected you in the least. And she gaslighted (blamed) you for breaking up while she was totally doing inappropriate behavior for someone in a relationship.

Look at it this way, you wouldn't have snooped if you didn't feel you had a reason to. She gave you reasons. He disrespected you too. There is no way a man would be texting my woman to wake her up in the morning.

That's totally inappropriate. This relationship was doomed from the start because she was "Not just friends" with her Boss. When you gave her an ultimatum, she chose to end the relationship because she no longer had you under control. She sounds controlling and immature. One day she will look back and realize that she was totally wrong or maybe she won't, but I wish you wellness and start working on YOU and don't let this get you depressed. You were not at fault at all

[Replicant]

I think at this point you just need to stick to your guns now that you've finally stepped up and busted this fraud wide open. Yes, you were justified in looking for evidence to support what has been blatantly obvious here for a very long time. So quit trying to second guess the issue to her breakup manipulation strategy, it's not worth the thought invested. Know that nothing this girl has to offer...past, present or future is worth this kind of ongoing crap. Consider this a lesson learned, block that trash out of your life and move onto better things.

[shadowsfall]

She wanted her cake and eat it too. She had you both. She never respected you in the least. And she gaslighted (blamed) you for breaking up while she was totally doing inappropriate behavior for someone in a relationship. Look at it this way, you wouldn't have snooped if you didn't feel you had a reason to. She gave you reasons. He disrespected you too. There is no way a man would be texting my woman to wake her up in the morning.

 

I agree with you Shakesandstirred. I definitely don't have a track record of snooping but since their relationship felt awkward from the beginning with all these red flags, overtime the curiosity just killed me. What really kills me is that I don't have CONCRETE proof that she fooled around with him. Now yes it is highly likely she was having an emotional affair and theres a chance it could of gotten physical but I'll never really know. That's what hurts. I know I'm not crazy and that I'm not thinking up these jealous scenario's between the two of them for no reason, it's something she created and choose to keep doing behind my back. As far as the texting in the morning, she put an end to that when I asked her too. I'm just so hung up on the fact that I never saw any REAL evidence txt/voicemail or heard any flirting going on when they would talk on the phone in front of me. I'm really trying not to second guess myself about this and I'm REALLY trying to "stick to my guns here," but it's hard.

 

I think at this point you just need to stick to your guns now that you've finally stepped up and busted this fraud wide open. Yes, you were justified in looking for evidence to support what has been blatantly obvious here for a very long time. So quit trying to second guess the issue to her breakup manipulation strategy, it's not worth the thought invested. Know that nothing this girl has to offer...past, present or future is worth this kind of ongoing crap. Consider this a lesson learned, block that trash out of your life and move onto better things.

 

Again I'm really trying not to second guess the issues that made us break up. While I'm not going back with her, there is still a stupid part of me that wonders if they really were JUST friends. While all signs may point to them being "much more then that" from sharing all my scenarios with everyone, I truly wish I knew the truth. NOT the suspected truth. I probably would of been able to deal with her having a male friend to confide in IF it was truly ONLY for that reason. But I'll never know. I'm really kind of crippled emotionally at the moment as this is one of the hardest breakups I've ever gone through. Perhaps it's because I'll never know the real truth behind the lies. Thank you for all the replies. In the meantime I'll try to pickup the pieces and move on.

[norajane]

IT DOESN'T FRICKING MATTER IF THEY WERE F*CKING OR NOT!

 

You need to get it through your head that she doesn't give a sh*t about your feelings on this matter, never did, never will, and your concerns didn't phase her in the least since she continued talking to him behind your back.

 

Just because you don't have proof they ever did anything doesn't mean she wasn't thinking about it, wanting it, encouraging it, and laying the groundwork for it. If it hadn't happened already, it would have.

 

As Ariadne said in less blue language, if they weren't f*cking, it's because she hadn't gotten him yet. But she was working on it.

 

Don't you want a woman who is all about YOU and no one else? This woman is not her.

[oppath]

I agree with Norajane.

 

It didn't matter if my ex ****ed her ex or not -- he would spend the night at her house, and just because she lived with her parents, did not make it ok -- he did not know I existed and she clearly did not care about my feelings on the issue of them being "FRIENDS" or respect our relationship. She didn't give a ****. If she did, she would have called him up and said "I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I am in a relationship, and while I hope we can move forward as friends, I think we need to talk less often or not talk at all until you have moved on."

 

Get my drift?

 

In your situation, there were numerous compromised to respect you. It does not matter if they were actually innocent and never ****ed. What matters is she hid things from you and by any measure, her behaving that way was inappropriate and disrespectful to you. She is gaslighting --blaming you and making it all your fault, as if you were just jealous -- when in reality, HEALTHY relationships don't have those types of behaviors.

 

So define for yourself: what is a healthy relationship? Once you've defined that, you will realize that you were not the one with the problem. Even if you were jealous and insecure, could it be because she treated you with disrespect and was not behaving in a way that respected you? When I started dating, I was unconfident and tense, but my first girlfriend would always tell me how she wanted someone more strong and confident, and she'd bring it up at the most RANDOM times, not related to an argument or me being vulnerable. There was no way I could be that man because she'd always put me down. If you tell someone they are jealous and insecure, their esteem will be rattled, and they will only be moreso. In your case, however, it was her behavior that made you feel and act that way, except you really were not jealous. Don't let her manipulate you into thinking you were. You were PERCEPTIVE. When you are close to someone, you are in tune with them, and if something feels off, generally it means something is off.

 

If it looks and talks like a duck, it's a duck.