So many issues, so little time...

[br0ken_w0lf]

I've thought about posting this for a while but it's difficult opening up, even in relative anonymity. Just looking for thoughts/advice I guess. As I've gotten older (mid-30s now), I've realized that I have several issues, kind of a shy/low self-esteem/social anxiety combo (as if any of those needed to be combined!) - possibly with depression rolled in there somewhere.

 

For almost as long as I can remember, I've had low self-esteem and/or self-confidence. In comparison to most people, I've definitely led a sheltered life as a result. I've never really been comfortable in my own skin and I'm always worried about what people will think of me. As a result, my defense mechanism has been to avoid almost all social situations. And, as we all know, if you don't socialize, it's very difficult to make friends. The few friends I once had have simply stopped trying to contact me over the years after being repeatedly turned down for social invitations (and who can blame them?).

 

Somehow, with very little dating experience (3 relationships in total) I managed to meet a wonderful person and marry her. My old issues never went away but it was never really a problem; I would make the effort to go to social functions and most of the time, would cope well enough (though I'd always beat myself up afterwards with thoughts such as, "You should have talked more, you were too quiet, people probably thought you were rude", etc.). This past year, mid-summer (after 2 years of marriage), my wife left. Basically, she'd felt things were missing from our marriage that she'd found in someone else along the way. They're currently living together though she has issues of her own and she hasn't moved on 100% either. Anyway, for someone who already had low self-esteem and self-confidence, you can imagine what such a thing would do to me...

 

I should note that there was a brief point after she announced that she was leaving where my self-esteem issues actually got better: I started not to care what other people thought of me, nor about all the other little things that used to bother me. My take was that I have nothing left to lose at this point (having lost my wife), so why should I care? Well, that was short-lived and I am back at square one.

 

Anyway, I find myself in a bad spiral lately; the eventual end of my marriage seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Some days, I can recognize my good qualities and seem to do OK. Then, out of nowhere, something will trigger in me, and I feel absolutely empty and dead inside, like I don't want to be here anymore. Like I have nothing to offer anyone (who wants to hang out with a shy, quiet guy anyway?) This has the effect of ensuring that I further isolate myself. The low self-esteem/social anxiety causes me to isolate myself even at work, avoiding functions there. When I get home from work, I beat myself up about that, realizing that I'm damaging my own chances for friendship. On instances where I get the opportunity to get out and socialize, the idea seems attractive at first, but I always manage to talk myself out of going by the time it arrives.

 

At times, I think I may be suffering from depression as well because sometimes I plan activities for myself only that I get excited about, only to be blind-sided by feelings of worthlessness, at which point I'll simply lay around and do nothing. I actually had to force myself to go out and get groceries last night as, having gotten home from work, those feelings of worthlessness and lack of direction in my life attacked me again.

 

Certainly, my wife leaving has damaged me greatly but these issues have been under the surface for quite some time. How can one person be so screwed up??? There's more but this is too long already...

[sam light]

I never thought that shyness always meant self esteem issues.

 

Sorry about your wife leaving, take heart that most women find new partners before the leave.

 

I'm somewhat shy and maybe conceited too. (a little).

You might try thinking of shyness as a cute quality that some people will find attractive. It helps if it's unexpected. ie a shy cop, shy captain of industry, etc.

I did something awful when I was 27. Several of us got detained. The others had the book thrown at them. I was so cute I got off lightly.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Hey sam, I guess I didn't mean that shyness implied self-esteem issues (though I do wonder sometimes if there's a relation). Just that, in me, both are present. Can anyone out there relate to any of this? Have those days where, even when going through real stress, that you are coping? Then, on another day for no apparent reason, you feel like you can't even function on a basic level?

[sam light]

Too bad I'm the only one replying.

Sometimes I just decide I can't face the world today, I just stay home and chill.

When it comes to important stuff I always deal with it. Regular stuff like shopping, the gym etc, I just blow off when I want to chill.

 

Maybe one or two days a month like that. As long as the important things are dealt with then I don't see a problem.

 

Some people have the opposite "problem" they can't be alone at all for more than a few hours. They'll spend money to be in circulation, they'll hang with trash just to have company. They'll marry almost anyone.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Too bad I'm the only one replying.

 

I was thinking the same thing But I appreciate that you're replying. I think my post was too long or something.

 

Sometimes I just decide I can't face the world today, I just stay home and chill.

When it comes to important stuff I always deal with it. Regular stuff like shopping, the gym etc, I just blow off when I want to chill.

 

Maybe one or two days a month like that. As long as the important things are dealt with then I don't see a problem.

 

Wow, exactly! Some days, I just wake up and can't function hardly at all. Mind you, I know my personal situation has a lot to do with that but I recall days similar to those even before all this; like life was just too much and I needed to step off the planet for a day. Good to know I'm not the only one...

[mscaprine]

I think Sam is right, everyone has days where you just have to stay home and "recharge". I get days like that, where just getting out of bed is a chore, let alone go to work, shopping, etc. Doesn't matter if I'm getting up to do "fun" things or not. And no, I don't assume this is depression. I think it's in-fashion now, to stick the big D on every little thing. And too common for doctor's to shove pills in your hand to deal with it. Oh, I better stop that, sounds like a rant coming on there.

 

Don't worry, believe it or not, it IS normal to feel blah occasionally. No one can go on forever and feel warm/fuzzy/happy ALL the time. And come on, your wife left you, I think you have reason to say, "what did I do wrong". Any normal person would do that. Only someone who is really selfish or egotistical, would just blame the other for leaving, without questioning if it was something they themselves did. Then again, just because you question yourself, doesn't mean that it WAS your fault either.

 

You know what I think? Quit focusing on what you "should" do, what you think is expected from others that you do, to be happy. Focus on yourself. Do things that are meaningful to YOU. If other people look at you funny, too bad! Be a little selfish. Comfort yourself in knowing that are are not really alone, that there are lots of people out there who feel the same way. They may appear not to, but they are. When you are ready to deal with others, do it on your own terms and timeline.

 

Take care