I love him but want more...

[dont know what to do]

Hi, I am new here but have been reading through the threads and have found some good advice that I hope will help my situation.

 

I was married for 4 yrs to a great guy, 6 months ago he asked me for a D...not to go into detail cause it has nothing to do with where I am now, but he left me due to his issues from going to war...anyway, I got a new job 2 months after my separation and 2 weeks into it, I met this guy who works in another dept. I was told he had a gf and a kid, but when he found out I was interested, he left me flowers on my car and went out of his way to say hi to me. After a work meeting one day, him and some of the guys invited me out to dinner so I went and we ended up flirting a lot, sitting next to each other, holding hands under the table and by the end of the night, he kissed me! That was the start of our A...a week later we were having the best sex I've ever had and exchanging very alluring glances in passing at work. Probably a month into our R him and his gf got into a huge argument and he told her to move out. Unfortunately, she stuck around for a while and after a few weeks of them not even speaking to one another, she asked him to stay and work things out. This exchange happened in front of their kid which caused my guy to rethink everything all for the sake of his child. He is a great dad and hates to see his child hurting, which is understandable. A week prior to this conversation, he told me that she was not just his gf but that they were in fact married, had been for 7 mos. He told me that he did not want to marry her, she forced him into it after giving him an ultimatum and moving out, so he succumbed to her request and they got married. The following week him and I had a long and emotional discussion where I told him he had to make a decision...does he want her or me because I want so much more for us but none of that can happen if he's married. BTW, for weeks during this huge argument with his W, he was telling me that he wanted more for us too and that I should be patient cause it would happen very soon. He told me so many things that made me tear down my walls and fully allow myself to fall for him...which I did!!! Well during our long emotional conversation, he was basically making it seem as if he was gonna choose her...so we said goodbye. He asked if he could still hug me or talk to me at work and I told him no. He still wanted to have me and be with me but he didn't want to lose his child and the security he has with his W. WTF???

 

(I have never ever been in this sort of situation...I was raised to be a good Christian girl and adultery is like the unforgivable sin...never would I have imagined me ending up in love with a MM. Then again, I never would have gone out with him in the first place if I knew from the beginning that he was married. He told me that from in the beginning he just wanted to have sex with me cause he thought I was hot, but after a few weeks of being with me, he started developing feelings for me. We are both so into each other but the "love" we have for one another is a secret.)

 

So...after saying goodbye, we msgd each other over myspace a few times and we ended up having lunch the following week. My heart was so attached to him and I did not want to lose what we had and he told me that he was still confused because he has feelings for me too but doesn't know what to do. Well it has been a month since our "goodbye" and things between us have gotten even more passionate and intimate between us. I am def falling in love with him, he fulfills me (in a way that my H never did when we were together) and whenever I see him, I get butterflies in my stomach and I feel weak in the knees. I have never felt that way with anyone! I love him but I want more...and I know that I will probably never get what I really want, but at the same time, I can't leave him!

[akrowergirl]

I just found this place as well. My heart aches for you because I know exactly what you feel. I don't feel like I can give advice because I am in the middle of feeling the same things but want you to know you are not alone. The people here are supportive and have given me great advice. I hope for the best for you -

[dont know what to do]

Thanks so much!!! I have definitely found solace in knowing that I am not the only one who is enduring such a difficult thing. I know that the OW/OM is always frowned upon and raked through the mud, I myself even look down upon what I'm doing, but I can't move on!

[whichwayisup]

He isn't yours to have, even though he's offered himself up to you, he's only sharing small parts of his life, not his whole life.

 

He has a child, a FAMILY with someone already, and that will never change. You also only know what 'he' has told you, ofcourse he's come out smelling like a rose, and he's made it seem like everything is her fault, not his....How convienant...This man is a liar, a cheater and is betraying her...Do you really believe he's completely honest with you and told you the truth about everything? I bet he's also told you they have no sex life..

 

Please, try to do your best to really walk away and heal.

[dont know what to do]

Like I said before, if I had known from the beginning that he was married, I never would have gone out with him. He told me 6 weeks into our R and at that point my heart was already attached and I was on my way to falling in love with him. Yes he lied to me, but fessed up. He could have very well kept lying to me to guarantee that we kept the A going. I was def hurt that he lied to me about being M, but I am a pretty forgiving person and I gave him a second chance.

 

Yes he has a kid and that is def the hardest part for me. I have met his kid, I have met his nephews, some of his family knows about me and they are all supportive of us. Why would they be supportive of an A unless they knew things were bad in the M??? And no he did not tell me his sex life with his W is non-existent! Up until their big argument, they actually had a pretty active sex life. I don't know much about his W, I don't want to know, but the few things I do know of her she seems to be decent.

 

It has taken some time, but he has begun sharing more and more of his life with me. That makes it even harder for me because he has let me in and I have let him in to my life as well. And even when we're not having sex, which is usually only once or twice a week, the connection we have is so strong and intimate. I know that in the end I might be left heart broken, but I just can't get myself to walk away from him and stay away!!!

[whichwayisup]

I was told he had a gf and a kid,

 

But you knew he had a girlfriend and a child beforehand?

 

He told me 6 weeks into our R

 

That he was married?

 

Counselling will help you get away from him and let go of your feelings.

[dont know what to do]

Yeah I knew ahead of time that he had a gf and a kid so I do take the blame for that...BUT if he was so happy and satisfied in his relationship, why would he pursue me??? (It may have started out as just sex for the both of us, but quickly turned into so much more.) I was with the same guy for over 5 1/2 yrs, married for 4 and he never strayed, he didn't even look at other woman...because we were happy together and he was obviously satisfied and in love with me so he didn't feel the need to stray. I'm not trying to justify my actions or his, I'm just pointing out the fact that MOST guys don't cheat just because they feel like it, although there are some dirt bags out there who couldn't be faithful if their lives depended on it, but for most guys there has to be a reason, something that pushes them to look to someone else for whatever may be missing at home.

 

Yes, it was 6 weeks into our A that he told me he was in fact married.

 

It is so much easier said then done to just walk away from someone you are in love with!!! Why do you think so many women stay in abusive relationships??? It is unhealthy and so destructive, but when you're in love, you do crazy things you wouldn't normally ever do, it's like being under the influence, it impairs your judgment. And while you may think counseling will help me heal and move on, it will not erase the love I have for him!

 

Question??? Have you ever been the OW??? I am just curious if your advice is coming from first hand experience???

[bentnotbroken]

I don't mean to sound cruel, but if you were raised to be a good Christian girl, why have sex outside of marriage? Isn't that a Christian principle? Just curious.

[dont know what to do]

You're not being cruel...

 

Yes I was raised a Christian and that is one reason why I am so surprised I would end up in a situation like this. But just because I was raised a Christian doesn't mean I'm perfect or that I am untouchable when it comes to "sin." Everyone makes mistakes no matter what religion you are or what your beliefs may be...we are all capable of stumbling!

 

But because of my upbringing and the way my family believes, I am living this part of my life in secret! Which also means I don't really have anyone to run to for help, advice or a shoulder to cry on. I only have a few friends who know, but that's it. I was hoping to find some sort of support system in here, but I guess we'll see how that plays out...

[Mino]

My advice is to walk away. I have been in A for Years, The word "soon" I have heard a million times. Spare yourself the pain. The longer you stay the more your attached, the more pain you will endure. And let me tell you it is like no other pain. There are times it will not just bring you down to your knees, you will feel like your face has hit the ground. Try getting up from that, not easy., I wish I would have listened. RUn and save your heart before it is crushed into a milion pieces....

[dont know what to do]

I tried walking away already and I just couldn't do it! It's hard too because we work at the same place, in different departments, but we see each other every day in passing. Just seeing him gets me all worked up inside so I don't think I could walk away from him while we still work together and I am not about to leave this job, it took me forever to find it and I cannot afford to leave. In my head I know what I should do, but my heart is so attached already and I cannot seem to get myself to walk away right now...and honestly, I don't want to walk away from him!!! I love him and I enjoy every second I have with him.

 

I just don't know what to do...correction...I know what I should do, but I don't know how to get myself to actually do it!!!

 

I really want my happy ending, which I know does happen, but I don't want to get my hopes up either!!!

[It_Hurts]

You know that this will not have a happy ending. He has almost told you that he is staying put and he is more than happy for you to JUST be his OW.

 

You can ask yourself a thousand questions about why he is having an affair with you and he must not be happy at home etc but what is the point in trying to figure it out. I used to work in a very male dominated environment, lots of married men were having affairs with the single girls in the offices. They were happy at home, they loved their comfy lifestyles, loved their kids, they told me this. Did they tell that to the girl in the office they were having sex with? Of course not.

 

You need to see this "relationship" for what it is and stop dreaming of a future together. If you can't finish it, don't, but open your eyes and use him as much as he is using you right now.

[Lyssa]

You've been involved for more than a few months now, correct? It doesn't get easier, trust me. I understand that you want more but do you really think that's going to happen?

 

It's been a month since the last 'goodbye' and then you mentioned that you're both closer than ever now - I don't get that part. Did he start contacting you after the last 'goodbye'?

[dont know what to do]

You've been involved for more than a few months now, correct? It doesn't get easier, trust me. I understand that you want more but do you really think that's going to happen?

 

It's been a month since the last 'goodbye' and then you mentioned that you're both closer than ever now - I don't get that part. Did he start contacting you after the last 'goodbye'?

 

I know it doesn't get any easier because the more time I spend with him the more I want to be with him. In my head I know that we won't have any more than what we have right now, but my heart tells me to hang on and be patient. I'm so mad at myself for getting into this situation, but it's too late to turn back now. I can't undo anything I've already done.

 

And yes it has been over a month since our first attempt at ending the R. I sent him a msg through myspace after we tried to end things and then he continued writing back to me, we see each other at work every day and we ended up spending lunch together again, after that our A was back on and even more passionate than before. Things are more personal between us now, we talk more and everything else between us is just great. We almost lost each other and I think knowing that, made both of us want this even more. It's hard to describe...

[dont know what to do]

You know that this will not have a happy ending. He has almost told you that he is staying put and he is more than happy for you to JUST be his OW.

 

You can ask yourself a thousand questions about why he is having an affair with you and he must not be happy at home etc but what is the point in trying to figure it out. I used to work in a very male dominated environment, lots of married men were having affairs with the single girls in the offices. They were happy at home, they loved their comfy lifestyles, loved their kids, they told me this. Did they tell that to the girl in the office they were having sex with? Of course not.

 

You need to see this "relationship" for what it is and stop dreaming of a future together. If you can't finish it, don't, but open your eyes and use him as much as he is using you right now.

 

I feel like I keep repeating myself so I do apologize,but I am sure that anyone who has been in my place knows this...even when your head knows the truth and knows what you should do, the heart doesn't always agree and it can keep you from doing the smart thing. I know in my head that I should end things with him but my heart does not want to and the hope of us ending up together is what keeps me in this. You can tell me a million times that I should just move on but until my heart believes it and listens, it's not gonna happen!!! I tried to walk away and my heart got pulled right back into it within days! And it wasn't just me, he wanted me back just as much, he never wanted to say goodbye but I was trying to do the right thing and it just didn't work.

 

I know that I only get one side of the story and that does make it difficult to really know why he wants to be with me instead of staying faithful to his wife, but if everyone always needed both sides to every story before doing anything, the world would stop! From what I have observed from being with him and listening to the little comments he makes, he never even wanted to marry her in the first place, he loves his kid so much and that is why he has stuck it out with her for this long, he's bored at home, all he does is sleep when they're together at home, he loves her that much I know, but it's more of love from attachment, there's no fire. I know that when you've been with the same person for a long time, the fire dwindles and it's the commitment to one another that keeps you together and I guess that's where he's at right now. He told me before things even started getting emotional for us that he wishes he had met me first because he would rather spend his life with me and he did say that if he truly loved his wife he never would have cheated on her. He stayed mainly for the sake of his child and because of the commitment he feels he owes the W. I know that MM all over the world have said the exact thing to their OW, but I don't believe for one second that they are all lying, I think they mean it to an extent but they feel obligated to stay put so the OW gets the short end of the stick almost every time.

 

When we started our A, it was just for the sex on both sides but once things started getting rocky in his M and he was so ready for her to move on and me to move in, I let my guard down and allowed myself to fall for him. That was my mistake! I should have never allowed my emotions to get involved because now I am in love with him and as much I absolutely LOVE the physical side we share together, the emotional attachment between us is what really has me weak at the knees. We have this connection that I have never felt with any other guy ever. I don't know how to explain it, but it's an incredible feeling. I can't just use him or this R because I am beyond that point.

[GreenEyedLady]

First off, stop apologizing...

 

If this is what you want, then accept it...Accept that this might not work out...Enjoy what you have...

 

Expect for him to stay put...Take responsibility for your part in this...Being the OW is hard...If you are going to beat yourself up for it, end it now...It doesn't get easier...The longer you are in, the more you fall in love, the more you see a future with him...The harder it is to leave...

 

Now he may change his mind...But are you willing to wait for that? It could be years...What will you have wasted waiting around?

 

You will have wasted your time; Spending the precious time you have with him, hating yourself for becoming someone you once looked down upon...

 

If you want to stay, then accept your flaws...Accept that you love someone who is unavailable to you and cannot meet your needs, at this time...Live your life how you see fit and do not sit around waiting for phone calls or stolen moments...

 

Good luck in deciding what you want...

[dont know what to do]

First off, stop apologizing...

 

If this is what you want, then accept it...Accept that this might not work out...Enjoy what you have...

 

Expect for him to stay put...Take responsibility for your part in this...Being the OW is hard...If you are going to beat yourself up for it, end it now...It doesn't get easier...The longer you are in, the more you fall in love, the more you see a future with him...The harder it is to leave...

 

Now he may change his mind...But are you willing to wait for that? It could be years...What will you have wasted waiting around?

 

You will have wasted your time; Spending the precious time you have with him, hating yourself for becoming someone you once looked down upon...

 

If you want to stay, then accept your flaws...Accept that you love someone who is unavailable to you and cannot meet your needs, at this time...Live your life how you see fit and do not sit around waiting for phone calls or stolen moments...

 

Good luck in deciding what you want...

thanks GEL...i dont usually take to the in your face approach, but everything you said def sunk in and it's what i needed to hear!!!

 

i do want to stay, for now anyway...i need to sit down and really figure out what i want and where i see myself down the road. do i want to be the OW forever or do i want to find someone who can give all of himself to me??? obviously in the end i want to be with someone who loves me and only me, who isn't hiding our relationship and is proud to have me on his arm in public and in private. i know i deserve more and so does his W. see...i know all of this and it's what i want, but i can't seem to get myself "unstuck" so to speak. i guess it's gonna take some time and the determination to step out of the A and away from my MM for good...basically i need to grow me some cahones and do what's best for me!

 

thanks again for your honesty!

[GreenEyedLady]

thanks GEL...i dont usually take to the in your face approach, but everything you said def sunk in and it's what i needed to hear!!!

 

i do want to stay, for now anyway...i need to sit down and really figure out what i want and where i see myself down the road. do i want to be the OW forever or do i want to find someone who can give all of himself to me??? obviously in the end i want to be with someone who loves me and only me, who isn't hiding our relationship and is proud to have me on his arm in public and in private. i know i deserve more and so does his W. see...i know all of this and it's what i want, but i can't seem to get myself "unstuck" so to speak. i guess it's gonna take some time and the determination to step out of the A and away from my MM for good...basically i need to grow me some cahones and do what's best for me!

 

thanks again for your honesty!

 

I know I come off as in your face, but I've been there...It's working out for me, but it's taken 3 years...I never put my life on hold and I never accepted second best...

 

I support you in whatever you choose for yourself...Just know that if you choose this, it isn't easy...

 

((HUGS))

[dont know what to do]

I know I come off as in your face, but I've been there...It's working out for me, but it's taken 3 years...I never put my life on hold and I never accepted second best...

 

I support you in whatever you choose for yourself...Just know that if you choose this, it isn't easy...

 

((HUGS))

Thanks again!!! Support is exactly what I need. Even though I don't know what I'm going to do, just knowing that there is someone I can go to for support is a great feeling! I really feel like the love and support I get from my family and a lot of my friends is completely conditional...as long as I'm doing what they expect of me, they're there for me but if I stray from the path they have set out for me, then I feel like they no longer accept me. It's a really sucky situation for me and I think that is why finding this site is such a great thing for me right now!!!

[bentnotbroken]

You're not being cruel...

 

Yes I was raised a Christian and that is one reason why I am so surprised I would end up in a situation like this. But just because I was raised a Christian doesn't mean I'm perfect or that I am untouchable when it comes to "sin." Everyone makes mistakes no matter what religion you are or what your beliefs may be...we are all capable of stumbling!

 

But because of my upbringing and the way my family believes, I am living this part of my life in secret! Which also means I don't really have anyone to run to for help, advice or a shoulder to cry on. I only have a few friends who know, but that's it. I was hoping to find some sort of support system in here, but I guess we'll see how that plays out...

 

 

 

Yes, we all sin. Now may I ask, why continue to sin? As you know the consequences here and after, why continue to do something you are ashamed to share with your family? We all are touched by temptation, that is the way of the world, but it is a choice whether or not we will fall to that temptation(sin),so I am wondering what you thoughts are on that.

[dont know what to do]

Yes, we all sin. Now may I ask, why continue to sin? As you know the consequences here and after, why continue to do something you are ashamed to share with your family? We all are touched by temptation, that is the way of the world, but it is a choice whether or not we will fall to that temptation(sin),so I am wondering what you thoughts are on that.

I was raised a certain way and lived that life for a very long time, but since the Summer I have found myself walking away from it and once my H left me, I haven't been back except for special occasions and holidays. I am not ashamed so much as I just don't want to endure the lectures and looks I will get if I share with my family and friends this part of my life. For so long I have lived under their thumb so to speak, doing the things that are good in their sight, ignoring who I am and what I want out of my life in order to please everyone around me. I finally got fed up with it and decided to live my life for me and no one else. And yes, even though I know what I am doing is looked down upon and the OW is often burned at the stake while the MM is forgiven and taken back by their wives time and time again, I got myself into this situation and even though it is not ideal, it is fulfilling a need I have at the moment. Knowing that adultery is a sin in the eyes of God, yes I have my moments of feeling guilty, but in the end, God gives us the free will to decide what we want to do and how we want to live our lives. I have decided for the time being to do things my own way, that decision could leave me miserable in the end or it could lead me to living a happier and fulfilling life. I could have walked away, said no to temptation and avoided this whole situation, but I did stumble and I ended up falling in love, something I never thought would happen again especially so soon after my M fell apart. And there is no turning back now!!!

 

I don't know if I answered your question, I feel like I wrote a lot but probably didn't answer it fully. Ooops...

[bentnotbroken]

I was raised a certain way and lived that life for a very long time, but since the Summer I have found myself walking away from it and once my H left me, I haven't been back except for special occasions and holidays. I am not ashamed so much as I just don't want to endure the lectures and looks I will get if I share with my family and friends this part of my life. For so long I have lived under their thumb so to speak, doing the things that are good in their sight, ignoring who I am and what I want out of my life in order to please everyone around me. I finally got fed up with it and decided to live my life for me and no one else. And yes, even though I know what I am doing is looked down upon and the OW is often burned at the stake while the MM is forgiven and taken back by their wives time and time again, I got myself into this situation and even though it is not ideal, it is fulfilling a need I have at the moment. Knowing that adultery is a sin in the eyes of God, yes I have my moments of feeling guilty, but in the end, God gives us the free will to decide what we want to do and how we want to live our lives. I have decided for the time being to do things my own way, that decision could leave me miserable in the end or it could lead me to living a happier and fulfilling life. I could have walked away, said no to temptation and avoided this whole situation, but I did stumble and I ended up falling in love, something I never thought would happen again especially so soon after my M fell apart. And there is no turning back now!!!

 

I don't know if I answered your question, I feel like I wrote a lot but probably didn't answer it fully. Ooops...

 

 

You answered it, thanks. One of the few people that has ever asked the question directly, without yelling I am judging you. I am not, but I can't help but be curious, about the thought processes sometime. And just so you know not all bw take the ws back. Some of us actually shove a boot in their cracks to help them out the door. And even when thy beg to come home,the answer is no. Never again.

[Mino]

It really does not matter why he married, and there are children, and bla bla bla, all does not matter. He is married. And Sweetie I can write you a book on this. The problem is leaving. And as much as he may want to , it not that cut and dry. I too work with my mm. I know how hard nc is when you run into each other a hundred times a day. So the only thing I can tell you is get ready. Get ready for the most painful years of your life to come your way. I have stuck it out for almost 4 years. If could go back to where you are , I would have walked away. But mine said "trust me" Soon!! Whatever!! I say. What I have relized over the years, it not that he is lying to me. He really REALLY does BELIEVE in All that he says and promises me. Its called self deception. thats is why he is so conviencing. I know its in his heart. But the strength and the courage, well thats a different thing, but in his mind,,,,, its coming. Right!!

[dont know what to do]

You answered it, thanks. One of the few people that has ever asked the question directly, without yelling I am judging you. I am not, but I can't help but be curious, about the thought processes sometime. And just so you know not all bw take the ws back. Some of us actually shove a boot in their cracks to help them out the door. And even when thy beg to come home,the answer is no. Never again.

I didn't take your reply or your question as judgment at all, I would actually prefer you ask me questions instead of just jump to judgment and condemnation. Too often people judge when they themselves are not perfect and they will rake people over the coals if they disagree with someone's chosen lifestyle or even just the little decisions they make. So thank you for not screaming any judgment at me but rather asking and being open to my responses.

 

This is not necessarily directed at BNB...I just got to thinking because of your question/response...

 

For the longest time I was someone who believed that cheating was never ever acceptable, all cheaters should be kicked to the curb and that the OW/OM are nothing but home wreckers...that is until I found myself in this situation. First off, I still do not think it is okay to be unfaithful to your partner...if you are unhappy and have tried to work things out but nothing changes, then I think you should leave rather than look elsewhere for your needs/desires to be met and drag your partner and family through an EMA. That is the part that brings the guilty feelings into my heart when I try to get my head on straight about this A I found myself in. But I also know that in some cases an A can bring healing to the M in the long run...but I do not think you should just run out and have an A when stormy weather hits your M. If after an A is brought into the light, both sides want to work things out and try to repair their M, then I think a second chance should be given but for the repeat offender, I will be happy to show you where the door is!!! Now regarding the OW/OM...since I am one, my thoughts have changed completely...and for obvious reasons! When I came into this I knew he had a gf and a kid, but things were kinda rocky and I guess I rationalized things by telling myself that "it's not like he's married!!!" Stupid I know! While I do want more out of this A, I know that the odds are against me. He is a MM and while I am in love with him, at this point in time I would not ask him to leave his W for me. I want him to want to be with me and choose on his own. But I know it will eventually end with me giving him the ultimatum...choose her or me or I'm out...only because I deserve more and so does his family. But until I get to the point where I am willing to accept the fact that he may tell me to walk, I cannot bear to risk that right now. SO for now I will have to be okay with our weekday lunches and our Saturday night hook ups!

[dont know what to do]

It really does not matter why he married, and there are children, and bla bla bla, all does not matter. He is married. And Sweetie I can write you a book on this. The problem is leaving. And as much as he may want to , it not that cut and dry. I too work with my mm. I know how hard nc is when you run into each other a hundred times a day. So the only thing I can tell you is get ready. Get ready for the most painful years of your life to come your way. I have stuck it out for almost 4 years. If could go back to where you are , I would have walked away. But mine said "trust me" Soon!! Whatever!! I say. What I have relized over the years, it not that he is lying to me. He really REALLY does BELIEVE in All that he says and promises me. Its called self deception. thats is why he is so conviencing. I know its in his heart. But the strength and the courage, well thats a different thing, but in his mind,,,,, its coming. Right!!

Thanks for your response.

 

I honestly don't think I could endure years of this. I am def not closed to the idea of meeting someone else and moving on, maybe if that happens it would cause me to make the decision to walk away from my MM for good. Maybe meeting someone else will help me get over him.

 

I know what he says to me and has promised me, he did mean it all and wasn't trying to lead me on. We were seriously beginning to make plans for us to have a real R once she moved out, but he thought it through so much and then when she cried and begged for him to stay with her, he couldn't walk away from the M. When we "broke up" we were both so emotional and he felt true feelings of sadness for me, for lying to me, for leading me on, for hurting me and for losing me. We both cried and were so depressed and upset over the thought of losing one another. The next few times I saw him at work, he looked so defeated, not what I would expect a man to look like after reconciling with his W! Oh well...the truth is that he made the decision to work it out with her but he didn't want to lose me! As stupid as I may be for falling in love with a MM, I'm in too deep now to just turn back. I have to make the decision for myself...