I love him but want more...

[mistie03]

This guy has lied to you from day one. Why would you believe anything that he has to say now? If he really cared that much for his child and the family unit, he wouldn't be out screwing another chick.

 

This is not going to turn out well. He's married. He can tell his BS stories about only being there for the child (every married man says that) or that he is bored blah, blah, blah. I call BS on all of it. He is saying that so that you will not stop seeing him. He wants his cake and eat it too.

[dont know what to do]

This guy has lied to you from day one. Why would you believe anything that he has to say now? If he really cared that much for his child and the family unit, he wouldn't be out screwing another chick.

 

This is not going to turn out well. He's married. He can tell his BS stories about only being there for the child (every married man says that) or that he is bored blah, blah, blah. I call BS on all of it. He is saying that so that you will not stop seeing him. He wants his cake and eat it too.

Yes he did lie to me initially about being married, but I knew he had a committed partner. And he did fess up to me, he didn't have to do that. Yes I was hurt at first, but I have lied before so who am I to judge or condemn him for that. He didn't have to tell me the truth, in fact had he not told me I would still be under the assumption that his W was really just his gf. You can call BS all you like, but I doubt everything he has said to me is a lie. And if it is, then he is very good at covering up his lies because not once has he ever stumbled over his stories or his words...

 

And I def believe that he loves his child with everything that he is...I know his M is not ideal therefore he went looking elsewhere...but I do not think that cheating takes away from his love for his child...it does take away from his love and respect for his W and their M but the love for his child is definite.

 

And for the record, he has told me to walk if I want to. He knows I deserve more, that I deserve someone who can give me their everything so I don't think he's feeding me a bunch of bull just to keep me around. It is just as much my decision to keep this A going as it is his.

[bentnotbroken]

I didn't take your reply or your question as judgment at all, I would actually prefer you ask me questions instead of just jump to judgment and condemnation. Too often people judge when they themselves are not perfect and they will rake people over the coals if they disagree with someone's chosen lifestyle or even just the little decisions they make. So thank you for not screaming any judgment at me but rather asking and being open to my responses.

 

This is not necessarily directed at BNB...I just got to thinking because of your question/response...

 

For the longest time I was someone who believed that cheating was never ever acceptable, all cheaters should be kicked to the curb and that the OW/OM are nothing but home wreckers...that is until I found myself in this situation. First off, I still do not think it is okay to be unfaithful to your partner...if you are unhappy and have tried to work things out but nothing changes, then I think you should leave rather than look elsewhere for your needs/desires to be met and drag your partner and family through an EMA. That is the part that brings the guilty feelings into my heart when I try to get my head on straight about this A I found myself in. But I also know that in some cases an A can bring healing to the M in the long run...but I do not think you should just run out and have an A when stormy weather hits your M. If after an A is brought into the light, both sides want to work things out and try to repair their M, then I think a second chance should be given but for the repeat offender, I will be happy to show you where the door is!!! Now regarding the OW/OM...since I am one, my thoughts have changed completely...and for obvious reasons! When I came into this I knew he had a gf and a kid, but things were kinda rocky and I guess I rationalized things by telling myself that "it's not like he's married!!!" Stupid I know! While I do want more out of this A, I know that the odds are against me. He is a MM and while I am in love with him, at this point in time I would not ask him to leave his W for me. I want him to want to be with me and choose on his own. But I know it will eventually end with me giving him the ultimatum...choose her or me or I'm out...only because I deserve more and so does his family. But until I get to the point where I am willing to accept the fact that he may tell me to walk, I cannot bear to risk that right now. SO for now I will have to be okay with our weekday lunches and our Saturday night hook ups!

 

 

 

Affairs never bring healing to a marriage. It kills the current relationship. Some people decide to stay together and build something new and stronger, but an affair kills what makes a marriage. Love, trust, respect, support, bonds and the feeling of security. Some people are able to move on and find ways to forgive and love again. But for others an affair changes the way they see the world and how they interact with it. I for one will never give completely to anyone again. And I have Mr. Messy and his ow to thank for that.

 

 

I would have been hurt had he manned up, but I would have respected him. You should respect the father of your children. I don't and that will be the said reality of our relationship from now on. I would never give him a nother chance because I refuse to go through the rest of my life wondering if he is screwing around everytime he left my sight. So the only thing he deserves from me is to be treated like a human, nothing more, nothing less.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes he did lie to me initially about being married, but I knew he had a committed partner. And he did fess up to me, he didn't have to do that. Yes I was hurt at first, but I have lied before so who am I to judge or condemn him for that. He didn't have to tell me the truth, in fact had he not told me I would still be under the assumption that his W was really just his gf. You can call BS all you like, but I doubt everything he has said to me is a lie. And if it is, then he is very good at covering up his lies because not once has he ever stumbled over his stories or his words...

 

And I def believe that he loves his child with everything that he is...I know his M is not ideal therefore he went looking elsewhere...but I do not think that cheating takes away from his love for his child...it does take away from his love and respect for his W and their M but the love for his child is definite.

 

And for the record, he has told me to walk if I want to. He knows I deserve more, that I deserve someone who can give me their everything so I don't think he's feeding me a bunch of bull just to keep me around. It is just as much my decision to keep this A going as it is his.

 

 

 

Dear, no marriage is ideal, nor are other entanglements. We are human so their is no such thing as ideal. There is a thought of how things should be, but because we never take into account that people are messed up in one way or another, we never get ideal.

 

And you said it, it is as much your decision to keep this going as his, you made a informed, conscious choice. So what ever happens to all the people involved is part of your responsibility. And as long as you accept that, there is nothing left for you to care about or feel any guilt about, right? But he is full of bull, you can't lie to one person and say that you tell everyone else the truth, not possible. You are a liar or you aren't. He's a liar.

[Owl]

OK...since you're a Christian, you know that its one thing to commit a sin...and its an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THING to continue to sin.

 

You continue to sin. You're still seeing him, even knowing the circumstances now.

 

You said earlier in this thread that you knew what you should do, but didn't know how to make yourself do it.

 

Very simple...NOT EASY...but simple.

 

Tell his wife that he's cheating on her with you. Tell your pastor that you're seeing a MM. Tell your parents/friends/family...and ask them for their help and guidance in ending the affair. Ask them to help keep you accountable, to help you end it.

 

Get a new job...so that you truly can go NC with him.

 

The real reason you're continuing on with this is because there is nothing preventing you from doing so. By opening up to others...by facing other Christians who can and will help you overcome the sin...you can do so.

 

You know what you should do...and now you know a way to actually do it.

 

Nothing more holding you back...right?

 

Pray about it...and then take action...before you change your mind.

[dont know what to do]

Affairs never bring healing to a marriage. It kills the current relationship. Some people decide to stay together and build something new and stronger, but an affair kills what makes a marriage. Love, trust, respect, support, bonds and the feeling of security. Some people are able to move on and find ways to forgive and love again. But for others an affair changes the way they see the world and how they interact with it. I for one will never give completely to anyone again. And I have Mr. Messy and his ow to thank for that.

 

I would have been hurt had he manned up, but I would have respected him. You should respect the father of your children. I don't and that will be the said reality of our relationship from now on. I would never give him a nother chance because I refuse to go through the rest of my life wondering if he is screwing around everytime he left my sight. So the only thing he deserves from me is to be treated like a human, nothing more, nothing less.

I totally understand that an A won't necessarily heal a M, what I meant by that is sometimes when there is a M in trouble but the people do truly love one another, sometimes the A makes the two parties realize what they have and what they really want. I've seen many M's survive an A and turn out being better and stronger than ever before. Yes it takes time and healing and patience, but it is possible. Not always will that happen, obviously, the divorce rate here in the US is out of control!

 

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through and continue to deal with.

[dont know what to do]

Dear, no marriage is ideal, nor are other entanglements. We are human so their is no such thing as ideal. There is a thought of how things should be, but because we never take into account that people are messed up in one way or another, we never get ideal.

 

And you said it, it is as much your decision to keep this going as his, you made a informed, conscious choice. So what ever happens to all the people involved is part of your responsibility. And as long as you accept that, there is nothing left for you to care about or feel any guilt about, right? But he is full of bull, you can't lie to one person and say that you tell everyone else the truth, not possible. You are a liar or you aren't. He's a liar.

And believe me, I know that NO marriage is ideal! I was married for 4 yrs and we def had our ups and downs, but in the end, our love for one another is what kept us together through it all. Sadly, the realities of war set in and ended up destroying my husband so he left out of "mercy" for me I suppose. Said he didn't want to drag me through his hell of trying to deal with what he went through and will continue to deal with until the day he dies. I loved him enough to stick by his side but he left anyway.

 

I do know that I am partly responsible for the A and what may come of it in the end. If his W finds out, then that will be something I will have to deal with, and even if she doesn't, I will always live with the memories of what I did and continue to do even now. And I do take responsibility for what I'm doing and I know that it's wrong and could wreak havoc for a very long time, and I do have feelings of guilt from time to time. Taking responsibility for your actions doesn't eradicate guilt!

[dont know what to do]

OK...since you're a Christian, you know that its one thing to commit a sin...and its an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THING to continue to sin.

 

You continue to sin. You're still seeing him, even knowing the circumstances now.

 

You said earlier in this thread that you knew what you should do, but didn't know how to make yourself do it.

 

Very simple...NOT EASY...but simple.

 

Tell his wife that he's cheating on her with you. Tell your pastor that you're seeing a MM. Tell your parents/friends/family...and ask them for their help and guidance in ending the affair. Ask them to help keep you accountable, to help you end it.

 

Get a new job...so that you truly can go NC with him.

 

The real reason you're continuing on with this is because there is nothing preventing you from doing so. By opening up to others...by facing other Christians who can and will help you overcome the sin...you can do so.

 

You know what you should do...and now you know a way to actually do it.

 

Nothing more holding you back...right?

 

Pray about it...and then take action...before you change your mind.

So much easier said then done!

 

I am not even going to church right now, haven't been in months, and there is no way I would ever tell my pastor or the people at my church what I am doing. I have known those people for over 23 yrs and there is no way I would ever let them in to this part of my life. No way!!!

 

Going NC would be possible if I didn't work at the same company, but there is no way I am leaving. This is the first real job I have had since I got married over 4 yrs ago, it took me over 6 months to find it and there is no way in hell am I walking away from it!!! You make it seem so easy to just turn my life upside down in order to walk away from my MM, but it's not that simple!!!

 

And I would never tell his W that we're having an A...what good would that do? And it's not my decision to make...it is his and his alone! I won't step into that territory...

[bentnotbroken]

So much easier said then done!

 

I am not even going to church right now, haven't been in months, and there is no way I would ever tell my pastor or the people at my church what I am doing. I have known those people for over 23 yrs and there is no way I would ever let them in to this part of my life. No way!!!

 

Going NC would be possible if I didn't work at the same company, but there is no way I am leaving. This is the first real job I have had since I got married over 4 yrs ago, it took me over 6 months to find it and there is no way in hell am I walking away from it!!! You make it seem so easy to just turn my life upside down in order to walk away from my MM, but it's not that simple!!!

 

And I would never tell his W that we're having an A...what good would that do? And it's not my decision to make...it is his and his alone! I won't step into that territory...

 

 

 

So what you're saying is that you aren't looking for a way out. You are content with the actions you are taking. If it is important enough to you, life is simple. Doing what is right for his family isn't important to you, so it isn't simple. You don't want to turn your life upside down, but you don't mind helping to turn his W upside down, seems like a contridiction. You say that it isn't your decision to make about telling her, but you said earlier that it was both of you choosing to stay in the affair. So shouldn't both of you face EVERYTHING together, including his wife? It might not be good for you, but it would do wonders for her.

[dont know what to do]

So what you're saying is that you aren't looking for a way out. You are content with the actions you are taking. If it is important enough to you, life is simple. Doing what is right for his family isn't important to you, so it isn't simple. You don't want to turn your life upside down, but you don't mind helping to turn his W upside down, seems like a contridiction. You say that it isn't your decision to make about telling her, but you said earlier that it was both of you choosing to stay in the affair. So shouldn't both of you face EVERYTHING together, including his wife? It might not be good for you, but it would do wonders for her.

That's not what I'm saying...but at this point I am not ready to walk away. I don't expect you to understand that. Honestly though, if you were in love with someone, M or not, family or not, could you just up and leave on a moments notice without ever looking back??? It's not simple!!! You make it seem as if making the decision to walk away from love is as easy deciding what flavor ice cream you want for dessert. Yes I understand that this A could potentially destroy a family unit, yes I know that what I am doing is not right, it goes against everything I was raised to believe in and in the end my heart could be crushed as well as his W and child's...I know all that and believe it all to be true. I do care, you may not believe me and I honestly don't care if you do or don't...that is not the issue right now though. The issue is me having to choose to walk away from this man I fell in love with before I knew he was a MM or stay put and see where the road leads us. We both entered into this R knowing he was "involved" with someone else, we are both at fault and both have to take responsibility for that, but I will not go to his W and tell her that he is cheating on her with me. Yes we both made the decision to enter into this A together, but I will not be the one to break the news to his W. You may think that is selfish of me or inconsiderate or whatever, but I feel it is his place and his decision to do so or not. Eventually he will have to decide what and who he wants because I will not be someone's dessert on the side for the rest of my life. I know I deserve more and so does his family. I will get to that point in time, but for now I am still the OW and will be until I choose to not be...I don't expect you to understand that either.

 

You may now burn me at the stake...

[bentnotbroken]

That's not what I'm saying...but at this point I am not ready to walk away. I don't expect you to understand that. Honestly though, if you were in love with someone, M or not, family or not, could you just up and leave on a moments notice without ever looking back??? It's not simple!!! You make it seem as if making the decision to walk away from love is as easy deciding what flavor ice cream you want for dessert. Yes I understand that this A could potentially destroy a family unit, yes I know that what I am doing is not right, it goes against everything I was raised to believe in and in the end my heart could be crushed as well as his W and child's...I know all that and believe it all to be true. I do care, you may not believe me and I honestly don't care if you do or don't...that is not the issue right now though. The issue is me having to choose to walk away from this man I fell in love with before I knew he was a MM or stay put and see where the road leads us. We both entered into this R knowing he was "involved" with someone else, we are both at fault and both have to take responsibility for that, but I will not go to his W and tell her that he is cheating on her with me. Yes we both made the decision to enter into this A together, but I will not be the one to break the news to his W. You may think that is selfish of me or inconsiderate or whatever, but I feel it is his place and his decision to do so or not. Eventually he will have to decide what and who he wants because I will not be someone's dessert on the side for the rest of my life. I know I deserve more and so does his family. I will get to that point in time, but for now I am still the OW and will be until I choose to not be...I don't expect you to understand that either.

 

You may now burn me at the stake...

 

 

Why would I burn you at the stake. You said it is your life. And yes, I would walk away from love or anything else that had the potential to effect others and my relationship with God. But that is me and my belief system and I don't expect you or anyone else to live by my standard. But please don't take offense if I try to understand how you reconcile what your beliefs are vs. what you are doing.I don't believe it is simple or easy. But nothing worth having ever is. It is confusing to say the least. Do I believe that his W will find out, yes, because nothing done in the dark will remain there. Whatever your decisions are, are you're responsibility. Good,bad or ugly it is yours to own. I hope he is worth whatever the payment is.

[dont know what to do]

Why would I burn you at the stake. You said it is your life. And yes, I would walk away from love or anything else that had the potential to effect others and my relationship with God. But that is me and my belief system and I don't expect you or anyone else to live by my standard. But please don't take offense if I try to understand how you reconcile what your beliefs are vs. what you are doing.I don't believe it is simple or easy. But nothing worth having ever is. It is confusing to say the least. Do I believe that his W will find out, yes, because nothing done in the dark will remain there. Whatever your decisions are, are you're responsibility. Good,bad or ugly it is yours to own. I hope he is worth whatever the payment is.

I began re-thinking what I believe in and what my family wants me to believe in long before my MM entered the picture so he did not cause me to walk away from my relationship with God. I don't know, maybe this whole A is part of my discovering who I am and what I want out of life, my "rebellious" stage so to speak. And it's not that I no longer believe in God, but I have begun to look at my life from a different point of view, not under the umbrella of the opinions and ideas and wants of my family and friends anymore. It has been a hard transition for me, but I am now beginning to discover who I am. I would have never pictured myself winding up in an A, never ever ever! But here I am and it's no one's fault but my own. I made the decision and now I have to live with the consequences.

 

If his W does find out, which I think she may suspect something deep down. As a woman, we all have intuition and know when something isn't quite right. She may not know what it is, but I'm sure there is something in the back of her head that has thought that her H may be cheating. I have been cheated on before and I had that nagging feeling but chose to ignore it, well it was confirmed after we broke up. If she does find out then we will deal with it at that time.

[bentnotbroken]

I began re-thinking what I believe in and what my family wants me to believe in long before my MM entered the picture so he did not cause me to walk away from my relationship with God. I don't know, maybe this whole A is part of my discovering who I am and what I want out of life, my "rebellious" stage so to speak. And it's not that I no longer believe in God, but I have begun to look at my life from a different point of view, not under the umbrella of the opinions and ideas and wants of my family and friends anymore. It has been a hard transition for me, but I am now beginning to discover who I am. I would have never pictured myself winding up in an A, never ever ever! But here I am and it's no one's fault but my own. I made the decision and now I have to live with the consequences.

 

If his W does find out, which I think she may suspect something deep down. As a woman, we all have intuition and know when something isn't quite right. She may not know what it is, but I'm sure there is something in the back of her head that has thought that her H may be cheating. I have been cheated on before and I had that nagging feeling but chose to ignore it, well it was confirmed after we broke up. If she does find out then we will deal with it at that time.

 

 

 

 

Fair enough.

[Miss Sunshine]

I've just read you story and can't believe it you could be writing about me!

 

All I can say is stick it out girl if you really love him! Some endings are happy!

 

I tried to walk away so many times as did he really because we knew it was 'the right thing to do' but it never worked! Neither us were proud of what we were doing but we couldn't help it and what we had was so strong. He always says 'you can't help who you fall in love with' and you can't, believe me I would never have chosen a mm & I know he never would have imagined he'd have an A, but it happened and although we have hurt people and I will carry that guilt forever in some ways I am glad we did it, because over 2 years down the line (sorry to tell you but yeah it did take that long for him to have the guts to walk away) I am with the most amazing person I have ever met and I am determined to make the best out the mess we have caused!

 

I wish you luck, you just need to show him it will be ok in the end and hopefully it will be x

[dont know what to do]

I've just read you story and can't believe it you could be writing about me!

 

All I can say is stick it out girl if you really love him! Some endings are happy!

 

I tried to walk away so many times as did he really because we knew it was 'the right thing to do' but it never worked! Neither us were proud of what we were doing but we couldn't help it and what we had was so strong. He always says 'you can't help who you fall in love with' and you can't, believe me I would never have chosen a mm & I know he never would have imagined he'd have an A, but it happened and although we have hurt people and I will carry that guilt forever in some ways I am glad we did it, because over 2 years down the line (sorry to tell you but yeah it did take that long for him to have the guts to walk away) I am with the most amazing person I have ever met and I am determined to make the best out the mess we have caused!

 

I wish you luck, you just need to show him it will be ok in the end and hopefully it will be x

Thank you so much for letting me know that happy endings do happen, even if it isn't quite the way you expected it! I know an A is never "the right thing to do" and just like you, I too will carry some sort of burden of guilt in my heart until I die. I do know that sometimes things happen in life that totally suck and hurt and ruin our plans, sometimes we make it happen and sometimes it's an unforeseen thing that comes our way and turns our life upside down. The best thing to do is to make the best of it, do what you feel is best for you, follow your heart and live with no regrets! That is what I am trying to do! I do love him and I want to be with him and at this moment I am willing to stick it out and see where things go, but I'm also trying to not get my hopes up...I have to be prepared in case things never change. But for now I am def staying and enjoying the time we have together.

 

We did try to break things off and we couldn't even go a few days without being together!!! It's soooooo hard! I have my moments where I think to myself that maybe I should leave but then I see him or talk to him and that thought totally disappears cause when I'm with him everything feels so right. It's hard to explain, but I feel like my life makes sense when we're together. Never did I imagine I would ever say that about a MM especially when I don't think I ever felt that way about my soon to be ex-husband, even during our great times. It's just crazy how life changes and plans get deterred and you wind up on a completely different path than you had imagined, but sometimes it works out for the best and you're left wondering why you ever wanted to stay on the first path when this one feels so right and so meant to be.

[iampattycake]

Thank you so much for your story.

 

I am also a Catholic who has always beleived I would never be the one in an affair. I tend to rationalize myself by saying there are extenuating factors in mine (read my threaad dedicated to same)

 

I have thought to myself over and over again this one question, do I just want the few hours I can have more than I want not having at least those few hours.... I want those few hours right now.

 

Idont think anyone goes into life or marriage thinking...Oh Yes when the going gets tough, I will have an affair. I think these things happen. I would also recognize as a wife if my husband was having an affair and would probably take some responsibility for his actions. One person doesnt make a marraige not work. Even with my illness, I am still to blame for our marraige not being what it could be. I could have fought more for it 10 9 8 7 years ago. I didnt and I take responsibility for that. If my H was having an affair, i would have to say it wasnt all his fault.

 

I dont think it is fair to say that the adulterer is all to blame and I felt that way even before I became one myself. (years of watching Oprah, and Dr Phil back to Sally Jessie Raphael have taught me that)

 

So no, he doesnt want to leave his family for his child's sake. But yes he needs something to make that time bearable as he probably is miserable at home. He needs something to look foward to and have just to himself.

[whichwayisup]

I would also recognize as a wife if my husband was having an affair and would probably take some responsibility for his actions.

 

Each person is responsible for the demise/problems IN the marriage, it isn't the betrayed spouse's fault that the other spouse chose to go and cheat. It's intentional, continuious, lying, sneaking around - not something that "just" happens.

 

He needs something to look foward to and have just to himself.

 

Then that's where hobby's come into play. Joining a gym, etc...

[iampattycake]

I understand that joing a gym would be something for onesself. Over the years I have joined gyms and have scrapbooked all of my lives photographs to pass down to my daughter and wrote out all of the stories of my life that I may not be around to tell her.My bit of legacy and I did indeed find solace in those hobbies. YET none of those things ever made me feel alive and hopeful for a future of love.

 

I am tending to think now that I do need to get out of this relationship I am in....as well as getting out of my marriage. Perhaps one day I could find love and feel like i am lovable for me...just who I am and having someone care for me. If this MM feels the same and it is meant to be than it will be. If not as least I know in my heart I am not so dreaded person who is so unlovable.

[whichwayisup]

I understand you're lonely, it's just that this man too is married and with kids. His energy is being spent on you and not his wife.

 

Who knows how bad his marriage is, it's just this guy is unavailable to you in the long run. Short term he may make you feel special, cared for, loved...But, it's all based on hidden meetings and betrayal to your spouses.

 

You aren't a dreaded person who is unlovable, don't say that about yourself. The circumstances itself, the affair, is wrong. It's on the expense of innocent people which WILL cause pain. This isn't just about you and him - there are other people who are having their lives affected, even if they aren't aware of it.

 

Rely more on your family (brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles) for help, good female friends as well - Being alone will be hard, but you will feel happier in the long run.

[SimpleyMe]

You may not had known up front that he was M but you knew he had a live in GF and a child ..seems like a pretty serious relationship to me don't you think ?

 

How can you be so sure what he is telling you of his M is true.

 

He has lied to you from the start,i believe if MM told you pigs could fly you would believe him.

 

Sorry to say this but you may just be a sidedish to his main course.

[Aoife]

this story is very similar to mine and how you feel too. but i don't think i like the sound of this guy - how he used you for sex to start with, how he lied to you about his circumstances, how he won't let you go even after you both decided it would be best, how he insults his wife....he sounds really bad news. i would do my best to end it, although it seems like it will be really hard with you feeling the way you do and seeing him all the time. i just don't feel he will make you happy.

and God will be there for you when you're ready to turn to Him, don't worry.

[iampattycake]

I understand you're lonely, it's just that this man too is married and with kids. His energy is being spent on you and not his wife.

 

Who knows how bad his marriage is, it's just this guy is unavailable to you in the long run. Short term he may make you feel special, cared for, loved...But, it's all based on hidden meetings and betrayal to your spouses.

 

You aren't a dreaded person who is unlovable, don't say that about yourself. The circumstances itself, the affair, is wrong. It's on the expense of innocent people which WILL cause pain. This isn't just about you and him - there are other people who are having their lives affected, even if they aren't aware of it.

 

Rely more on your family (brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles) for help, good female friends as well - Being alone will be hard, but you will feel happier in the long run.

 

Being someone who has a possiblity of an earlier demise than most...and yes I know i could be killed walking down the street tomorrow but that is a chance one takes....knowing what you will indeed die from is different. I have always battled with how I could be concieved as lovable if you understand that. I am a smart educated professional woman who believes now that perhaps counseling would help me again and I deserve more than an husband who is waiting for me to die.

[dont know what to do]

Thank you so much for your story.

 

I am also a Catholic who has always beleived I would never be the one in an affair. I tend to rationalize myself by saying there are extenuating factors in mine (read my threaad dedicated to same)

 

I have thought to myself over and over again this one question, do I just want the few hours I can have more than I want not having at least those few hours.... I want those few hours right now.

 

Idont think anyone goes into life or marriage thinking...Oh Yes when the going gets tough, I will have an affair. I think these things happen. I would also recognize as a wife if my husband was having an affair and would probably take some responsibility for his actions. One person doesnt make a marraige not work. Even with my illness, I am still to blame for our marraige not being what it could be. I could have fought more for it 10 9 8 7 years ago. I didnt and I take responsibility for that. If my H was having an affair, i would have to say it wasnt all his fault.

 

I dont think it is fair to say that the adulterer is all to blame and I felt that way even before I became one myself. (years of watching Oprah, and Dr Phil back to Sally Jessie Raphael have taught me that)

 

So no, he doesnt want to leave his family for his child's sake. But yes he needs something to make that time bearable as he probably is miserable at home. He needs something to look foward to and have just to himself.

Thanks for sharing...I will go read your thread when I'm done replying...

 

I do agree that I don't think any woman goes through life planning their next A with a MM...and I def don't think us as women throw ourselves into an A just for the fun of it!!! Things happen, choices are made, life takes a different path, life happens!!! I for one did not imagine being in this sort of situation, but it happened and is still going on and while some people may advise me to "just walk away" that is so much easier said than done! When I am with him I am happy, I feel loved and adored, I feel satisfied, I feel complete. Those are things every woman wants to feel, but doesn't always find. Unfortunately I found it in a MM and it is difficult knowing that even though we mesh so well together and what we have is so great, there are many constraints on our R and there are things I cannot have or receive from him. Right now I am okay with that, down the road I may want more, but for now I too am glad to have the few hours with him I do get and that will have to be enough for now.

 

I would not go as far as blaming his W for his cheating on her. It was his choice and his choice alone. However I do know that if the M was great and they were happy and content and so in love with one another, he wouldn't feel the need to have an OW...why would he need to??? He told me that he does love her, but obviously something isn't working in the M! I don't know the details of their M, I don't know her at all so I am not going to judge or place any blame on her for his A. I wish I could be a fly on the wall though and see what it's really like for them at home...then I would know if I'm wasting my time, energy and love on being just a side dish or if in the end it will work out for us to be together. If only...

[dont know what to do]

You may not had known up front that he was M but you knew he had a live in GF and a child ..seems like a pretty serious relationship to me don't you think ?

 

How can you be so sure what he is telling you of his M is true.

 

He has lied to you from the start,i believe if MM told you pigs could fly you would believe him.

 

Sorry to say this but you may just be a sidedish to his main course.

Yes I knew he had a gf and a child...def a serious R, but not a M. At least that's what I thought. I knew I was getting myself into a messy situation so I take responsibility for that.

 

He hasn't really told me any details about his M. I know he loves her and she's a great mother and she's a hard worker. I don't know what their R is like at home, I don't know what their sex life is like, I don't know if she cooks or cleans or what...I don't need to know, I don't want to know. Okay...yes he lied to me in the very beginning about whether or not he was M. He hasn't told me anything serious or in depth about his life at home or his W...there isn't anything for him to lie to me about. All we discuss is personal stuff about who we are as people and our hobbies and likes and dislikes...we don't sit there and talk about his M or his W. And maybe he feels comfortable having someone he can talk to and confide in about himself, maybe he doesn't get that opportunity at home. But please don't insult me by making me out to be some dumb gullible woman who would believe anything my MM says to me, even something as absurd as flying pigs! I don't take lightly to people putting me down!

[bentnotbroken]

Could it just be that something is missing in his character? That he is the one lacking, not the marriage or the wife. There are some people who are just cake eaters or unable to find happiness within themselves,so they can only find it with someone else for a little while. And you should never need another person to feel complete, JMHO. You should feel complete without him.