"Undercover Lover"?

[jazzpianosoul]

Ok, I hate to re-hash this as I'm sure it's been discussed here before. But I'm totally new here and wanted to get some feedback.

 

Let's see if I can keep this brief: met a great guy back in Dec. I'd posted an ad on Craigslist personals (under "strictly platonic") stating that I was looking to meet musicians to jam with and just new people to hang out with in general. My ad specifically included that "I DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN!" Well, Mr. Wonderful responded to my ad anyway...his rationale being that the ad was under "strictly platonic" so his marital status shouldn't be that big a deal. We talked by email a few times, exchanged numbers and had a few phone conversations and soon afterwards met up at a music store. We'd talked about our love for Stevie Wonder's music and I learned to play a particular S.W. song just for him. (So irrelevant, I know.) ANYWHO, we hit it off immediately. I mean, we just clicked. Great conversation, great energy between us both. He'd been vague on his initial email response about his status, but we proceeded to hang out on a regular. From Day One, he's been wining and dining me and been very encouraging in regards to my aspirations, goals, etc.

 

Problem is, even with the "strictly platonic" premise we met on, that was blown out the water early on. He said he was drawn to my ad because it didn't seem to carry any great expectations and pressure on the guy. Which was true...but I'm wise enough to know that sometimes things escalate when you're spending that much time with a person - no matter how "platonic" the intentions. He attempted to kiss me on the first date (which turned into a quick peck, because I ended up resisting...and it was a red flag that he might be overly "hungry" for some affection.) I guess I should have come out and asked in plain terms about his status, because we hung out for over a month before the picture started to come together that he was not divorced. Granted, he moved out of the house almost 7 months ago and claims to have to no emotional ties with wifey and that it's been "over" for some time. But when I did find out that he was only "separated," I was quite peturbed. He assumed that I knew of his status, and that I was ok with it and I assumed that he'd read my ad where it state "I DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN." By this point, we've kissed passionately, done some very heavy petting and if he'd had his way, we would've gone all the way already. We spent the night together New Year's Eve at his place, and he REALLY pursued the sex, but I wasn't giving in. Even though I was still thinking he was divorced at that point, we had not established that we were in a relationship or even going that way, so I wasn't interested in going to that level without being in a relationship. After discovering that he was still married, I made it clear to him that I'm not into the "undercover" relationship thing. He says he felt "free" to give himself to me emotionally since he's emotionally detached from wifey. I said if you're not free to have a relationship out and open, then you're not really free. Your kids don't know about us (and they shouldn't), wifey doesn't know...his siblings and friends probably don't either.

 

So much for keeping this brief...at this point, I'm torn. I care dearly for him (an understatement) and he's been such an inspiration in my life. He encourages me in ways that no other man has. He has a 10 and 15 year old and he is very much involved in their lives, but when he carves out time for me, he is very focused on me. He took off 2 personal days from a very busy sales position to help me drive my car cross country from a city that he had to be in for business anyway (though he did state that he had an abundance of vacation time...so that could've just been a way to use some of it up.) I dunno, part of me tells me that he's just hungry for what he once had and I'm just a pawn in the game and another part tells me it was meant for us to meet and that we could be great lifelong friends. Except, I've fallen in love with him, and I can't be friends if we're gonna end up kissing and being "close" every time we're together. I told him that at my age (35) I didn't have time to wait around to see what he was gonna do. Besides, he's 48, says he's done having kids, blah, blah...

 

I think I've answered my own questions here...

[PWSX3]

sometimes it just helps to write it down on paper & be able to read it back a couple of times.

 

Me & my W separated for 7 months & one thing I would not do is date someone else. Sure you are separated but you are still married, that is how I look at it so for me that means he is cheating.

 

In my personal situation I would have never started dating that soon anyway, there was just WAY to much stuff "I" needed to work out for myself & if this guy is already out looking before he is even divorced I would say he still has a LOT of issues to work out & he is just stepping around them......

 

Sorry you like the guy so well & you feel things are going good because that will make the decision a lot harder.

[base618]

Gotta ask, I read a lot where seperated is still 'married' and dating is cheating. In my case, my stbxw cheated, moved in with the OM, just gave 2 weeks notice and they're both moving 750 miles away together at the end of Feb. Divorce paperwork has been submitted, and only 45 days left until 90 waiting period is over. NO chance of reconciliation, or getting back together... NO chance.

 

I was out this weekend, met some girls, one of them asked me "so what's your deal, you can't possibly be single?" My response was that I am single. I don't see it any other way. There's no more emotional attachment anymore, all her stuff is out of the house, once she moves, she will truly be gone. Not sure if you're suppossed to reply 'divorced' when out at a bar and someone asks you your situation, wouldn't ever deny it, and would obviously tell anyone I got involved with that I was married. But I would argue that depending on the situation, seperated (which I guess I technically am) can very much be single. And depending on how it ended, if the marriage ended badly enough, the attachment may not be there at all. If nothing else, my stbxw made it very easy to let her go by showing her true colors.

[onmyownagain]

As far as I am concerned, seperated is no longer married. Ok, technically we are still married but no longer living with our partners usually and heading towards divorce.

 

Some people seperate and never get divorced but doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to see someone else.

 

I think the timing is the issue, I have been away from my stbxw since early Jan and am not ready to date anyone at all. But this is no worse than any other LTR, just we had a bit of paper between us.

[jazzpianosoul]

Thanks for the responses guys. Obviously it's not so cut-and-dried with any of these situations. Personally, I believe separated is indeed still 'married,' but I agree that each situation has to be viewed individually.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm separated and date. I have no problem with exH knowing about it, nor does he have any problem sharing information about his own relationships with me. I'm not sure why your guy feels a need to hide it if he is legitimately separated. Is he scared it will affect a divorce settlement?