Is it just me?

[Onyx]

I’m new to this forum, so here’s a beginning hello!

 

On my plate are some marriage woes. I am set to marry my husband in about six weeks. I love him dearly, but there are times when everything seems to balance on a needle, waiting to fall one way or another.

Recently everything tipped because of my future mother in law...

 

You see.. perhaps I was being selfish, but I wanted a simple wedding between me and my husband. No family, just us and friends. His mother exploded when she heard this, and promptly told my Hubby that if she was not allowed to be in the wedding that she would disown him and never speak to him again. Now I feel that my other half has been manipulated and that I have been robbed of something intimate and irreplaceable. Am I so selfish for wanting something exclusively between me and mine? I gave up my religion and my dreams because I cannot rob my husband of his relationship with his mother. Yet not matter what I have sacrificed I haven't seen one bit come back to me.

 

I’m tired of being manipulated and watching his mother manipulate him, but I don't know what to do. I feel like our marriage and married life is our business and ours alone. But his mother is determined to stick her self right in the middle. She’s even pressuring me to have her “some grand babies”.

 

I love my husband but his mother is ruining our relationship and wedding.

 

Help,

A heart broken Onyx

[quankanne]

This sounds like a good reason to postpone the wedding, maybe even indefinitely, because if you're having problems with your future MiL meddling now, it'll only get worse.

 

What sends up a HUGE red flag is that you gave up your relationship and your dreams just so that you wouldn't rob your fiance of a relationship with his mother ... to a degree, encouraging a strong relationship with the two is expected, but not to the point where one of the principals in a marriage suffers! Frankly, she sounds like a manipulative witch who isn't going to be happy unless her child is whipped, and you don't need any part of that kind of sick relationship. Does your groom-to-be even stand up to her on important issues, or is he pretty much a mama's boy?

 

If you have reservations about postponing or calling off the wedding becuase of money issues, remember that it would cost much much more to divorce the guy than it would be to lose deposits on a hall or caterer, or even the money you've invested in decorations, gowns and invitations. Your sanity doesn't have a pricetag, and everything else (wedding planning wise) pales in comparison if you're unhappy.

[km82794]

Dear Onyx,

 

Hello and Welcome!!!

 

I have to be honest and say, I can sympathize with both you and your future Mother-in-law in this situation..

 

I, being an unbiased party can kind of see the hurt his Mom must be feeling by being the uninvited to her own son's wedding.

 

This woman gave birth to him, raised him and is justifiably upset because she is being denied witnessing one of the most important days in his life.

 

When you get married it's a package deal, you not only marry your partner, you also marry the family.

 

I have to ask, is there something this woman has done in the past to offend you and make you oust her from the wedding?

 

I guess I could understand it more if you had decided to elope, but you had said you were inviting friends, is his mother not his friend? My mother is my best friend in the whole world and I would never dream of getting married without her there.

 

How does your fiance feel about it? He is being put in the middle.

What is he saying?

 

Don't get me wrong, I do understand it is "YOUR DAY", but do you really feel your being fair to your fiance as well as his mother?

 

Please don't take what I've said wrong, just some food for thought from an unbiased party!

[Onyx]

Hello and thank you for replying.

 

quankanne said:

<<<This sounds like a good reason to postpone the wedding, maybe even indefinitely, because if you're having problems with your future MiL meddling now, it'll only get worse.>>>

 

She is somewhat controlling. I spent a month in her household during Christmas Break and regretted every moment.

 

<<<What sends up a HUGE red flag is that you gave up your relationship and your dreams just so that you wouldn't rob your fiance of a relationship with his mother ... to a degree, encouraging a strong relationship with the two is expected, but not to the point where one of the principals in a marriage suffers>>>

 

I’m sure what to do any more. He expects me to be cordial with the woman when she sets ultimatums (a personal pet peeve of mine) and expects to be in on every detail of our lives.

 

<<<Does your groom-to-be even stand up to her on important issues, or is he pretty much a mama's boy?>>> Sometimes. He’s got a blind spot when it comes to her. He thinks I’m out of my mind for “not wanting” her there. The MiL wouldn't even accept being like the other guests and coming to the reception afterwards. I’m left to wonder if I’m marrying my husband to be or his mother.

 

<<<Your sanity doesn't have a pricetag, and everything else (wedding planning wise) pales in comparison if you're unhappy.>>>

We’re not even having that glamorous of a wedding. Marriage by a Justice of Peace pales in comparison to the grand things most people have had.

 

km82794 said:

 

<<<I have to ask, is there something this woman has done in the past to offend you and make you oust her from the wedding?>>>

Yes. She shows me no respect. My own mother at least respects that I would like private and intimate wedding. Its the very least I have ever asked. His mother won't have anything of the kind. She ruined what impression I had of her when she threatened to disown my husband to be.

 

<<<I guess I could understand it more if you had decided to elope, but you had said you were inviting friends, is his mother not his friend? My mother is my best friend in the whole world and I would never dream of getting married without her there.>>>

 

My worst fear is the arguing. They don't get along well at all. I’m afraid I’d have to throttle them both if they started arguing.

 

<<<Don't get me wrong, I do understand it is "YOUR DAY", but do you really feel your being fair to your fiance as well as his mother?>>>

 

I wish she had been fair to me. I’ve always been treated as an object and this business with the wedding is slowly proving what a control freak she really is...

 

Tired, confused and on her way to work again,

Onyx

[HokeyReligions]

I don't mean to belittle your pain, but I've seen sitcoms based on such situations.

 

Yes, it is YOUR wedding and you should have it the way you want it. Is your MIL-to-be paying for any of the wedding or assisting with your household or support in any way? If she is, she might feel that she has "paid" for something and she should be part of it. Your future husband could feel the pressure too.

 

Something you said makes me wonder about your religious beliefs. Are your future in-laws of a specific religion? If so, what does that religion say about a husband and wife? In the Christian religions that I was raised on it says to honor the mother and father, but cleve only to the spouse (to paraphrase the Bible) and I was told by a minister that meant that the first loyalty is to the spouse. that doesn't mean not to consider the other family members, but it does mean that you should base all of your decisions with your spouse's feelings first.

 

Compromise is something that you should talk about with your fiance. What does he want? Can you two come up with a compromise that will meet your needs and wants and include your MIL on your terms? If so, then present that to her and just tell her this is the way it is. If she's so vindictive that she would disown her own son because of this then you do have a serious problem that you and your finace need to address - perhaps with some pre-marital counseling. Especially if there is a religion involved - you may be able to talk to a minister or priest or rabbi or whatever faith you pracitice.

 

His mother may be angry and/or hurt right now and be throwing out threats that she won't follow up on. If she's presented with a way to be a part of the wedding and she doesn't accept that, then it needs to be pointed out to her that she runs the risk of no involvement at all and that she is hurting her son in the process. You and her son are NOT the ones that should point this out to her though. It should come from someone that is not directly involved such as a friend or minister, etc.

 

Perhaps a compromise would be to have your own private wedding with a few friends, and let her give you both a nice reception party afterward with her friends.

 

I'm curious - did you say that you don't want your own mother there? I know that many people do not have close relationships with their parents, but I couldn't imagine not having my mom at my wedding. I know how important it was to her to be there. In fact, I arranged my wedding according to her schedule and moved it up a few months so that she could be there (she moved across the country a week after I was married). I even had to work half a day on the day I got married - we went to the JP too then came back to our apartment and his father & step mother showed up to our little reception party (pizza and beer and a 2-tiered wedding cake!) We only had a few friends come over after and my mother and sister-in-law, and hubby's best friend were the only ones at the JP with us.

 

This is just the first hurdle and there will be more to come. It's time to make amends and set some standards.

 

My husband and my mother did not get along for a long time. In fact, we were visiting her in California (we live in Texas) and she threw us out a day early and we had to spend the night at the airport because we couldn't get an earlier flight. Now, my mother lives with us (for over 4 years now) and we have managed to work things out and they get along great. It was a tough go for a long time and there were times I would get in the shower and cry until all the hot water was gone because I felt so trapped in the middle. I was wracked with guilt and so torn over where my loyalties should be. I couldn't put my mother in a nursing home but I finally told them both that that is what would have to happen and we even went and looked at some. Finally, they stopped being angry enough to see how much they were both hurting me, and to realize that they both loved me and that I loved them both and we worked it out.

 

I feel for you right now - you sound overwhelmed.

[km82794]

Hey Onyx,

 

Boy do you have problems on your hands. Now that I'm seeing a little more of the picture, I think you are ABSOLUTELY right.

 

It is YOUR DAY, and if this woman will be invited to the reception afterwards, I see nothing wrong with you asking that you have only the Bride, Groom and wedding party at the JP. I previously understood it as your weren't inviting her at all.

 

I would strongly suggest that you DO NOT let this woman's controlling ways ruin your special day. If this is what you and your fiance want, then so be it.

 

You have made a compromise to make her feel included and I wouldn't waste my time and energy feeling guilty about your decision.

 

I had one of the most manipulating, controlling MIL's of all time.

I'm Catholic, my ex was too, we had to have the long, drawn out ceremony because that is what my ex MIL wanted.

 

When it came to the reception, every time I went to toast my own wedding, she took my glass out of my hand. She told me my smoking in my wedding dress was distasteful. By the end of the day, I was almost sorry I got married.

 

Well she didn't stop there, this went on for years, where we lived, where we went on vacation, what kind of car we bought,

which visa we used, how we spent our money.

 

The straw that broke the camels back was when she took $1,000.00 out of mine and my husband savings account (she was the manager at our bank). She gave it to his sister so she could get central air in her home that she lived in one week. She didn't even tell us about it, we found out on our monthly statement. Then she had the nerve to tell me that because I spent $100.00 on a new comforter because our dog used it for a chew toy, I was spending money foolishly. THAT WAS IT!!!!

 

My husband stood up for her and guess what I gave him?

 

A DIVORCE!!!!

 

So now that I can see where you are coming from, remember it is your day, don't let this woman ruin it. There won't be any other day as special as this one.

 

I feel for you dear! Good luck!

and Congratulations!!! (I think)

[queenpamrules]

OKAY HERES MY THOUGHT.............

I HAVE TO SAY STEP BACK AND MAKE SURE YOU WANT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR THIS FAMILY! IS YOUR SOON TO BE HUBBY A CONTROL FREAK ALSO??? THESE SORT-A THINGS RUN IN FAMILES. BEEN MARRIED TWICE (NEVER AGAIN) AND BOTH OF MY HUSBANDS HAD SAME KIND OF ISSUES. FIRST HUBBY WAS CONTROLED BY HIS DAD , ANYTHING THAT MAN SAID OR DID WAS "THE GOSPEL", SECOND HUBBYS MOM WAS DIRECTLY UP HIS BUTT AND STILL IS(HE LIVES THERE NOW...AT AGE 42). SHE WONT LET HIM COME SEE HIS OWN KIDS , WITHOUT SAYING " YOUR OUT OF THE WILL".

 

 

I SAY IF YOU ARE JUST TOTALLY "IN LOVE" AND HAVE TO MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW. DO IT HOW YOU WANT!!!!

 

 

AS SOME HAVE SAID IN THEIR POSTS" ITS YOUR DAY" BETTER YET "ITS YOUR LIFE"

 

SHE HAD HER "DAY" !!! THIS WOMEN IS ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE, ANYTHING I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY MARRIAGES IS YOU HAVE TO BE HAPPY BEFORE ANYONE ELSE. AND IF THIS MOTHER -IN- LAW MAKES YOU CRAZY NOW. THINK OF HOW ITS GOING BE IN THE FUTURE!!!!

 

 

WELL, I WISH YOU THE VERY BEST OF LUCK!!!!!!!

 

I REALLY HOPE ALL WORKS OUT FOR THE BEST!!!!

[turtle]

Is your husband-to-be sticking up for you or the future mother-in-law? If he starts siding with her, you are in trouble.

 

I say, go ahead and have the small private wedding like you want. Maybe have a formal dinner at another time at a nice restaurant to celebrate with your close family members and then do the same with his family members.

 

Generally, family should be at the wedding. But, with a mother-in-law like that, I understand why you wouldn't want family there. You can't invite the whole family and exclude her. It's all or none. You either invite all family, or you invite no family. I think you made the right decision. You don't need a controlling MIL ruining your special day.

 

Be careful of the situation. Once you are married, things may get worse. Hopefully your husband pulls through for you and puts the mother-in-law in her place.

[Onyx]

Wedding plans have been cleared up.

 

I made a compromise with my husband. I will tolerate her being at the justice of peace so long as it is just us and close friends for a hand fasting. Thus agreed, I get the wedding I want, he gets the wedding he wants. My MIL has been put in her place and understands that she cannot force her way in, and will only be indulged in on what me and Chris feel she needs to know.

 

Every one is happy!

 

Thanks for your input,

Onyx

20 Days until M-Day