How to be "fair" in counseling when abuse is in the air?

[luvstarved]

At the last counseling session with myself and H, I talked calmly about a few behaviors of his that upset me and respectfully and sincerely talked about how they affected me emotionally and requested that he not do certain things, etc. They were all about anger, show of contempt, disrespectful stuff. In short, emotional abuse.

 

I was following a model laid out by counselor, who agreed that I was communicating in a respectful and heartfelt manner.

 

My H, however, took everything that I said as malicious criticism. In the session, when I said "x bothers me", he turned everything around with, well what about what you do, what about your problems, you are calling me names, you are attacking me, you have emotional problems, I am a good man, yada yada.

 

The counselor told him point blank that he was just not getting it, that he was wrong to interpret what I was saying as an attack and that it was wrong to respond to what I was saying with a "counterattack" (I put that in quotes because, indeed, there was no original attack to "counter")

 

Anyway this has been going on seemingly forever, where no matter what I do, if I do not support him with praise, cheerfulness and thorough and immediate compliance, then there is something wrong with me.

 

Counseling for me then has served only one purpose. To confirm my deepest fears: that it is not that I am all the evil things he wants to say I am, but that he JUST DOES NOT GET IT. That he is incapable of a loving intimate relationship and is bent above all on getting his way and on being lauded while he is getting it.

 

Er...that is not going to happen. He does not get angry with me because I was mean to him, or because I screwed up royally, forgot something important, made a financially bad decision, not because I cheated, or lied, or drank, or did drugs, or am stupid or ugly. Observing more carefully since the counseling...he gets mad when I do not jump when he says jump, when I do not answer him quickly or thoroughly enough, when I do not agree with whatever he said, when I ask for something that requires any effort on his part.

 

He came home the other night. He had gone out as he does every Wed night, to an AA meeting. While he was gone, I worked with my daughter on her homework. When he got home, we were looking for her Valentine's list, but I was also watching the end of a tv show. He came in, and told daughter that she should just try to remember kids' names from memory. I barely heard him say this, was watching end of show (knowing I was going to find list after), and he got REALLY upset and said, aren't you going to tell me my idea to try to recall her list from memory is a good one? I immediately said, sorry I was watching end of show, and he launched into tirade with "Nobody listens to me, you are calling me names, you are giving me no respect, I should have stayed at meeting and been with 'my own kind'", blah blah, THEN tells daughter that I had taught her disrespect and that he was not going to take it and that I had deep issues that he was not going to allow her to be tainted by. ALL THIS because I said NOTHING when he told daughter to remember list from memory (was staring at tv, but am I not allowed one effing minute's distraction?)

 

Bottom line...we are told in counseling to be respectful, not judge, not blame, acknowledge our own part, etc. I HAVE acknowledged my own part, I have admitted in detail that I am prone to sarcasm, jealousy, whatever. But the truth for me at this point is, this is not a difference of opinion or simple misunderstanding going down here.

 

It REALLY seems to me at this point that my H is downright abusive and incapable of an honest loving intimate relationship. But, I can't say anything like this, because then I am "judging", right? Then I am "blaming".

 

That is not my intent, but I have tried with all my might to be respectful, etc but no matter what I do, he finds some reason to say that I am being a mean a%%hole.

 

The counselor has told him he does not get it but stops short of saying "she is right", presumably because this will make him sound biased, cause my H to give up on counseling, decide the counselor is also full of crap etc. All of which are true, because he bailed on two other counselors when they suggested that he had issues bigger than mine.

 

So where does one go from here? In my mind, the truth is the truth and there is nothing for me to do but plan my escape...anyone have anything more hopeful to say???

 

I have always known my H had these sorts of issues but I kind of blamed the way he was raised and hoped that eventually he would see that my attempts to be honest with him from a position of love would help him be a happier better person. But it isn't working out like that at all. I am just another jealous a##hole in a world chock full of them. I am just out to get him and make him out to be a monster like other people with bad intentions.

 

Grrrr. Do I have any choice but to give up???

[OWoman]

I am just out to get him and make him out to be a monster like other people with bad intentions.

 

Nope - he's done that fine all by himself.

 

He just doesn't get it. He's not going to get it. He wants you to be a doormat as so long as you resist, you'll be at fault. If you're not prepared to be a doormat, or have your D think that loving marriages are abusive in nature, you'll have to leave.

[Lovelybird]

maybe he has lots of frustration towards himself, and now turn that to you?

 

I read a book about a woman successfully dealing with her angry husband, and many other issues in a marriage, quite encouraging, the change is very possilbe

 

Praying through the deeper issues of marriage, by Stormie Omartlan

[Mr. Lucky]

He came home the other night. He had gone out as he does every Wed night, to an AA meeting. While he was gone, I worked with my daughter on her homework. When he got home, we were looking for her Valentine's list, but I was also watching the end of a tv show. He came in, and told daughter that she should just try to remember kids' names from memory. I barely heard him say this, was watching end of show (knowing I was going to find list after), and he got REALLY upset and said, aren't you going to tell me my idea to try to recall her list from memory is a good one? I immediately said, sorry I was watching end of show, and he launched into tirade with "Nobody listens to me, you are calling me names, you are giving me no respect, I should have stayed at meeting and been with 'my own kind'", blah blah,

 

Isn't one of the AA 12 steps a mandate to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" ? More than a little ironic that your H could be involved in such a program yet be so closed off to any self-examination.

 

He labeled himself a "good man" - do you agree ? Based on your description, he doesn't seem like a stable or centered individual. In your shoes, I don't know how much effort I'd want to put into such a toxic relationship, especially considered the effect on your daughter. You have a tough choice to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvstarved]

Thanks for replies...

 

OWoman - what you said is exactly my fear...doormat...and this is the relationship he had/has with his parents, who have "lived for him" forever. I saw it early on but thought it would change over time as he was "weaned" from them (he lived with them up until we got married)...especially since I would not just "take it" from him the way that they did. But, instead, I am painted by him and them as negative and unpleasant and ungrateful...he refers to them as "other people" in counseling "other people see [my wife] the same way I do", but the "other people" are basically MOM. His other relatives, I found out recently, see HIM the way I do...anyway, my failure to give him his props causes constant criticism, even vicious, from him and I do not know any way to make him see that he is the aberrant one, since it was always him and Mom and Dad and to THEM the rest of the world is full of S**T. Sigh. I am NOT saying I am perfect, but...cripes, I am in the neighborhood of normal...

 

lovelybird - I will check out the book, I am spiritual but not in organized religion way but will see. My H considers himself very spiritual...

 

Mr Lucky - that's why I have been here with him so long. He IS a good man. He TRIES to do the right thing and REALLY BELIEVES that his expectations are reasonable. He has had glimmers of awareness but short lived. It just seems that his behavior is too ingrained to meaningfully change, and I just don't know if I can keep taking the abuse, however good the man underneath is. I know it is easy to blame parents and that generally it is pointless especially since no parents are perfect and most do the best that they can, but his parents truly trained him to believe that he was better than others, that innocuous remarks were malicious and intentional and based on jealousy, and did everything he asked with no expected return, and hung on his every word and deed. They STILL do for that matter. Really it is just his Mom, his Dad just gets abuse like I do. I have tried for years to get through to him but he does not take in the truth. Even though he has had multiple situations external to us where he was called on his anger...and I have had zero...plus he does all the other abusive things like deny he said things, accuse me of behaviors that he exhibits, blah blah blah...

 

We have another session tomorrow and I do not want to waste time listening to my H tell counselor that things are better all the time, etc and have everything just be ridiculous and useless when I try to say otherwise. I would LIKE to write a "statement" and read it there and see what flies. But, I admitted before in counseling that sometimes I would write down my thoughts about the marriage and ever since, H has thrown this in my face as also an attack/betrayal/gathering of "evidence" or whatever. Apparently because I did not inform him of it. Despite that I once told him that I had stayed up all night writing him a 30 page letter and he showed no interest in reading it.

 

So...sigh.