Family grief - how to handle?

[PoshPrincess]

Hi guys, just wondering how those of you who come from divorced parents handle the whole wedding thing? My parents split a few years ago and my Dad is now remarried. I am in the process of organising a wedding and don't know what to do with regards to my Dad and his W. My Dad hurt my Mum very badly although nothing to do with his current W. My Mum finds it impossible to deal with being in the same place as them both although has had to on a couple of big family occasions. The thing is, what do I do?

 

Sorry, I'm rambling....

 

Although my Mum wouldn't object to me inviting them I know she would rather them not be there because she would feel uncomfortable. I am her only daughter and my wedding will be a special day for her too so that is the last thing I want. I'm not too fussed whether my Dad and his W come only from the point of view that he IS my Dad and I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. We used to be really close but not any more although we still see each other regularly. I like my Dad's W too and don't want to hurt her feelings. My Mum could just about handle my Dad being there but not the W. It would ruin my Mum's day and I wouldn't enjoy myself knowing that my Mum was uncomfortable.

 

Anyway, you get the idea.....

 

I'm thinking now it may be just as well to b*gger off and have the wedding on our own with a couple of strangers as witnesses!

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.

[Curmudgeon]

I'm thinking now it may be just as well to b*gger off and have the wedding on our own with a couple of strangers as witnesses!.

 

You'll be the bride. It's your wedding, not theirs. They should be able to be big enough to make you their focus, not one another. Therefore, there should be no discomfort.

 

On the other hand, there's something to be said about escaping all the drama (and expense) and simply eloping. It gets the job done and if you choose, you can have a celebratory receptionb at a later date -- a drop-in, drop-out event almost like an open house so everyone can come, and go, at will.

 

Three of my children have been married since the ex and I divorced. In the first two cases she sthreatened that if my wife and I attended, she and my younger children would not. My wife and I were there in both cases as were she and my youngest daughters. She had to eat her words and my children ignored them anyway, told her that both parents would be invited so the choice was hers. The third wedding took place 2,500 miles away and the ex made no effort to attend. My wife and I did, as did the ex's mother. My wife became the stand-in mother of the groom and occupied the appropriate seat. My former mother-in-law was grateful to her for being there and doing so. We all get along well.

 

For the record, the ex is the one who left the marriage and had an affair. She loves to threaten and bluster but is empty!

 

Enjoy your wedding to the greatest extent possible. Hopefully it will be a one-in-a-lifetime event and others' pettiness simply won't matter.

[Kalamazoo]

There was a similar situation in my family when my brother got married. The important thing to realize is that they are both your parents and very important people in your life and both of them deserve to see you happy on your wedding day. My brother simply arranged the seating so that both sides of the family sat as far apart as humanly possible .

 

I would suggest that you have a talk with your Mother, maybe you're making a bigger deal out of this than she is; She probably doesn't expect you to not invite your father.

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks both of you for your advice. Whatever happens my wedding will be very small so being able to keep the two apart would be difficult but they aren't the sort of people you see on Jerry Springer so there won't be any grief. My parents are pretty civilised from that point of view, thank God.

 

I know my Mum fully expects me to invite my Dad - I suppose the issue is his W - and although my Mum wouldn't expect me not to invite her I know she would feel uncomfortable with her being there and I wouldn't enjoy myself knowing my Mum felt like that, although she would do her best not to show it.

 

Families, eh? I'm sure parents are more trouble than the kids. Anyway, it's looking like I will be going abroad and getting hitched. I have discussed this with my fiance and as the majority of his family live all over the world it isn't an issue to him either way. I have never wanted the 'big white wedding' thing anyway.