I'd do almost anything for my girlfriend. But this... no.

[Tippssy]

Okay, it's our first year of college. We met on Facebook before moving in and we met in person around late September. We've been going out 4 months as of Friday and we are very much in love. She is my first girlfriend, but she's been with tons of other guys.

 

I would do almost anything for her. Several times I've walked across campus to her dorm around midnight to comfort her when she would be sad. Her family loves me, and my family loves her. But there's something she's asking me to do that I am not comfortable with whatsoever.

 

So... we're sexually active. I gave my virginity to her and apparently she really enjoys it when we have sex. But recently she's been asking me to participate in a threesome. Her explanation? She's "just curious". I told her no, that I love her, and I want only her and I don't want to share her. She says that she loves me but really wants to experience having two guys "do" her at once.

 

What am I supposed to do? She jokes about it a lot, but she is also dead serious about wanting one. She thinks sex is just for fun; I think it's a special thing that two lovers share. This is something that I'm not going to let her have her way with. And if she keeps bringing it up, even as a joke, it's going to turn into a serious problem. The fact that she doesn't want only me is very uncomfortable.

[soconfused01]

im in your boat, dude. or in the boat next to yours. my bf had a foursome before we were together and while thank goodness he isn't asking me to have one, i see in your situation a similar thinking. how is sex 'just sex'? for some people it's possible and for others it's not. for some, both is. Which of these your gf belongs to, I don't know. The bottomline is she's asking your permission to cheat and if you don't give it, she might cheat anyway. Am I saying give in to keep her? No way. You will never forgive yourself and you might someday meet someone who you love and this action bothers deeply. Treat yourself better than how she's treating herself.

Of course you don't want to see another guy doing your girl! Tell her if she cares about you, regardless of her curiosity, she will drop the subject bc it makes you uuncomfortable and hurt.

[shanny]

Ask her how she'd feel if you did a threesome with another girl. See if she would get jealous and if she's okay with sharing you. I agree with you... sex is a special bond between two people. A lot of couples have open relationships and the whole threesome thing works... but it has to be mutual. You seem to be compatible in every way except sexual. Sex is a big thing though and can cause huge problems. This is especially tough though being your first love. You haven't experienced having your heart broken just to be mended by someone you are more suitable with. It happens everyday and have faith that if this doesn't work out it will happen to you too. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Arch]

lol, you should break up with her - if it bothers you that much then she should not be pressuring you to do it, not to mention if she wants another dudes dick in her she cant be that committed to you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Okay, it's our first year of college. We met on Facebook before moving in and we met in person around late September. We've been going out 4 months as of Friday and we are very much in love. She is my first girlfriend, but she's been with tons of other guys.

 

I would do almost anything for her. Several times I've walked across campus to her dorm around midnight to comfort her when she would be sad. Her family loves me, and my family loves her. But there's something she's asking me to do that I am not comfortable with whatsoever.

 

So... we're sexually active. I gave my virginity to her and apparently she really enjoys it when we have sex. But recently she's been asking me to participate in a threesome. Her explanation? She's "just curious". I told her no, that I love her, and I want only her and I don't want to share her. She says that she loves me but really wants to experience having two guys "do" her at once.

 

What am I supposed to do? She jokes about it a lot, but she is also dead serious about wanting one. She thinks sex is just for fun; I think it's a special thing that two lovers share. This is something that I'm not going to let her have her way with. And if she keeps bringing it up, even as a joke, it's going to turn into a serious problem. The fact that she doesn't want only me is very uncomfortable.

 

Dude, if your not gonna F the other guy yourself and he isnt gonna F u. Then I'd say go ahead take turns, one in the coochie and one in the culo! lol.

 

But I see where your coming from. You want her to yourself, that's very admirable. I think this could be a learning experience for you. If you have it, You may possibly ask for a threesome with a woman next.

 

Your in college from what I've heard everyone experiments in college.

 

And also take not your not married to her, and have no kids. So maybe you should go through with it, maybe not. It's up to you.

 

I know if I was you I'd be 50/50 set with some ground rules. I do the sticking, I dont get sticked. lol.

[Arch]

Dude, if your not gonna F the other guy yourself and he isnt gonna F u. Then I'd say go ahead take turns, one in the coochie and one in the culo! lol.

 

But I see where your coming from. You want her to yourself, that's very admirable. I think this could be a learning experience for you. If you have it, You may possibly ask for a threesome with a woman next.

 

Your in college from what I've heard everyone experiments in college.

 

And also take not your not married to her, and have no kids. So maybe you should go through with it, maybe not. It's up to you.

 

I know if I was you I'd be 50/50 set with some ground rules. I do the sticking, I dont get sticked. lol.

 

hes already said it bothers him, why should he have to participate in something that goes aginst his values?

[Chrome Barracuda]

hes already said it bothers him, why should he have to participate in something that goes aginst his values?

 

Like I said it's his choice.

 

I was just giving what I felt I would do in that situation. If he doesnt want it to happen, then he has every right to say no.

 

Absolutely.

 

The choice is his.

[Cobra_X30]

She thinks sex is just for fun; I think it's a special thing that two lovers share. This is something that I'm not going to let her have her way with. And if she keeps bringing it up, even as a joke, it's going to turn into a serious problem. The fact that she doesn't want only me is very uncomfortable.

 

Look, you have completely different views on sex. Until something changes your relationship is doomed, either in a month or 10 years... you choose.

 

To me your GF sounds like kind of a tramp. I'd put some effort into finding a woman with more long term potential.

 

Do you really think just telling her no is going to make her desire for this go away? Do you think she would resent you for saying no?

[Lucifers Rising]

I have a saying that I believe universally applies to everyone. I would say this to her. "Do what ever you want to do because your going to do it anyway" and she will, but of course you don't have to include yourself in that because your unwilling to participate, which is all good. Alot women require and explanation when hearing that because they interpret it as you saying you don't care. Your not saying that, it just means that no one can stop someone from doing anything. Then if she doesn't, she has now sent you the signal that she's yours, if she does go through with it, she's sent you the signal that her needs, etc. superceed your mutual needs. Incidentally, in my experience, I've never been with a woman who truly cared for me who would even consider that. Maybe mentally, in fantasy, but she'd never give it life by speaking about it. I'm a betting man, so I'm betting against this relationship turning out. I know that's not what you want to hear, I'm sorry.

[Citizen Erased]

Never do anything which you are not comfortable with. You clearly are not up for this, and you need to tell her no arguments, it will not happen. If she feels it is more important then your relationship then well not much of a loss IMO.

 

A threesome should only be done when everyone is 100% comfortable with it. If you don't get turned on by the thought of her with someone else then hell no you should not allow it! No way would your relationship survive it.

[Nemo]

Which hole would you get?

[AAlike]

There are a couple of themes at play here.

 

First off, it's very difficult to expect two freshman in college to have a fully comfortable, "adult" relationship. As pointed out on here, just about everyone has a sexually wild or curious side, and honestly despite what we're ingrained to think, it's been my experience that women actually have this side to a greater degree than men, and women are able to reconcile "love sex" and recreational sex as being able to coexist as facets of one person whereas many men need them to exist in two totally separate worlds. So your girlfriend may just want to act upon that wild side - I don't think that you should take it as her not wanting "only you" - instead you should think of it as her wanting to include you in helping her satisfy or develop that experimental phase. Just because she wants to have one sexual experience that is essentially "for fun" doesn't mean that she thinks that the sex that you guys have is not special, or that she loves you any less - like I said, I think she's probably looking at it as you two "having fun" together.

 

That being said, even though her proposing it should not make you feel less loved, DO NOT do it. If you have a problem with it in theory it will absolutely destroy your relationship if acted upon. My current GF had an experience with multiple guys once when in college, and just her TELLING me about it years later caused a brief emotional rift between us, and I thought that I was open minded about this kind of stuff! She's probably just not thinking it all through since she's still in college - and I'm sure if she did do it, she'd probably think that it was akward and overrated, but when you're young curiosity can drive you. You should probably tell her that although you respect her willingness to experiment that you just don't like the thought of her in a threesome and ask her if there's any other way that you can kink it up in the bedroom that might satisfy her more primal urges. Maybe even try getting a toy and simulating the experience yourself. There's really no reason that one person can't satisfy the "crazy sex" requirement that people think that they have.

[Tippssy]

I offered to get a vibrator but she said she'd rather experience an actual person. And she does have a sexual past; she had lesbian sex (which she says she didn't like) and let her friend and friend's boyfriend perform oral on her even though she didn't want them to.

 

I've decided that if she asks or even brings it up again, I'm telling her that it won't do and if it's ever even mentioned again, I'm done.

[witabix]

Ultimatums, hmmmmm....

 

Not sure about them, you have to be prepared to go through with your threats.

 

Seems she is (and you possibly) are young. She wants to try stuff, thats ok. You don't, and thats ok too. But there is a mis-match of aspirations going on here. You seem to want a committed one-one relationship. She on the other hand, has decided to experiment. She already has with the psuedo lesbian stuff.

 

Perhaps you could point out to her how she recalls not liking doing something, and yet having it done to her. Ask her to try and see this current request from your side, in the light of her bad memories.

 

My thoughts are that fantasy is a cool way to get off. It does however seem like a mistake to carry it out in reality. Fantasy can never be matched by reality, ever.......

 

You may have to accept that you are on different paths, or points on a path at this moment. If you like/love her, stay with it a while longer and talk to her, but don't under any circumstance give in to something that goes against your grain. You will regret it.

[Tippssy]

Well I'm definitely not doing it, that was never an option.

 

I already did point out her past experiences and she said she doesn't regret them because they made her what she is today. ...Or something like that.

 

And one time I did narrate how a threesome would go between us with another girl while we were intimate one time and it did really get her off. I agree with fantasies being cool, but I wouldn't actually agree to bringing another girl into the bedroom.

[witabix]

Well I'm definitely not doing it, that was never an option.

 

I already did point out her past experiences and she said she doesn't regret them because they made her what she is today. ...Or something like that.

 

And one time I did narrate how a threesome would go between us with another girl while we were intimate one time and it did really get her off. I agree with fantasies being cool, but I wouldn't actually agree to bringing another girl into the bedroom.

 

Well then I would say her mentality on this subject is set. If thats the way she is going to make decisions I would let her alone, that sort of nihilistic thinking is not something you need in your life.

 

Jesse James probably said "Well I've killed twenty men, another won't make any difference"

[shadowplay]

There are a couple of themes at play here.

 

First off, it's very difficult to expect two freshman in college to have a fully comfortable, "adult" relationship. As pointed out on here, just about everyone has a sexually wild or curious side, and honestly despite what we're ingrained to think, it's been my experience that women actually have this side to a greater degree than men, and women are able to reconcile "love sex" and recreational sex as being able to coexist as facets of one person whereas many men need them to exist in two totally separate worlds. So your girlfriend may just want to act upon that wild side - I don't think that you should take it as her not wanting "only you" - instead you should think of it as her wanting to include you in helping her satisfy or develop that experimental phase. Just because she wants to have one sexual experience that is essentially "for fun" doesn't mean that she thinks that the sex that you guys have is not special, or that she loves you any less - like I said, I think she's probably looking at it as you two "having fun" together.

 

That being said, even though her proposing it should not make you feel less loved, DO NOT do it. If you have a problem with it in theory it will absolutely destroy your relationship if acted upon. My current GF had an experience with multiple guys once when in college, and just her TELLING me about it years later caused a brief emotional rift between us, and I thought that I was open minded about this kind of stuff! She's probably just not thinking it all through since she's still in college - and I'm sure if she did do it, she'd probably think that it was akward and overrated, but when you're young curiosity can drive you. You should probably tell her that although you respect her willingness to experiment that you just don't like the thought of her in a threesome and ask her if there's any other way that you can kink it up in the bedroom that might satisfy her more primal urges. Maybe even try getting a toy and simulating the experience yourself. There's really no reason that one person can't satisfy the "crazy sex" requirement that people think that they have.

 

Could you elaborate on the bolded part?

[Cobra_X30]

First off, it's very difficult to expect two freshman in college to have a fully comfortable, "adult" relationship. As pointed out on here, just about everyone has a sexually wild or curious side, and honestly despite what we're ingrained to think, it's been my experience that women actually have this side to a greater degree than men, and women are able to reconcile "love sex" and recreational sex as being able to coexist as facets of one person whereas many men need them to exist in two totally separate worlds. So your girlfriend may just want to act upon that wild side - I don't think that you should take it as her not wanting "only you" - instead you should think of it as her wanting to include you in helping her satisfy or develop that experimental phase. Just because she wants to have one sexual experience that is essentially "for fun" doesn't mean that she thinks that the sex that you guys have is not special, or that she loves you any less - like I said, I think she's probably looking at it as you two "having fun" together.

 

Your GF hardly defines the norm on this!

 

This is all about personal values... or lack thereof. See, while we often have a wild side, and wish to try new things, our personal values define the boundaries of such experimentation.

 

Now, you say that her asking to include him should not make him feel unloved? That is completely incorrect. How would this look if she didn't include him? Yes, she is asking him for purely selfish reasons. She must have some idea of his personal value system, and to ask him to break that... it's very unloving!

 

Well I'm definitely not doing it, that was never an option.

I already did point out her past experiences and she said she doesn't regret them because they made her what she is today. ...Or something like that.

And one time I did narrate how a threesome would go between us with another girl while we were intimate one time and it did really get her off. I agree with fantasies being cool, but I wouldn't actually agree to bringing another girl into the bedroom.

 

What kind of crowd does your GF run with?

 

In my experience when a woman starts talking about a 3 way... she already has guy number 2 in mind!

[Tippssy]

 

What kind of crowd does your GF run with?

 

quote]

 

 

To make it simple, her crowd is the type of crowd that stuck-up preps make fun of.

[Cobra_X30]

To make it simple, her crowd is the type of crowd that stuck-up preps make fun of.

 

Are you part of that same crowd? Do you two hang with the same people?

[Replicant]

What am I supposed to do? She jokes about it a lot, but she is also dead serious about wanting one. She thinks sex is just for fun; I think it's a special thing that two lovers share. This is something that I'm not going to let her have her way with. And if she keeps bringing it up, even as a joke, it's going to turn into a serious problem. The fact that she doesn't want only me is very uncomfortable.

 

I think you face a hard decision dude, because she seems hell bent on living this fantasy and if she's thinking about it she's likely been selecting candidates to participate in such. You may be idealizing good traits in her and to want her to just be happy with you alone is not too much to ask i completely agree, but the fact she was pretty promiscuous may be something that was just a matter of time before it resurfaced considering her comment that sex was for fun, sounds more like she enjoyed a disposable romp rather than sex with just your SO.

 

Stand your ground on this, if she keeps bringing it up and pushing something you are uncomfortable with and something beyond compromise and certainly beyond that of a joke. Then you might want to cut your strings to this relationship before you play the puppet whom finds out after the fact of her cheating ways.

[AAlike]

As pointed out on here, just about everyone has a sexually wild or curious side, and honestly despite what we're ingrained to think, it's been my experience that women actually have this side to a greater degree than men, and women are able to reconcile "love sex" and recreational sex as being able to coexist as facets of one person whereas many men need them to exist in two totally separate worlds.

 

Could you elaborate on the bolded part?

 

Man I really need to proof this crap before writing it - hahaha...this is a bit of a blanket statement.

 

Let's dissect my horrible run-on sentence into two parts - first off, the part about the part about the wild side - now, I did throw the disclaimer that this is in my experience, but from what have gathered in various conversations, men are generally utterly repulsed by things that are outside of their experimental boundaries whereas women are not. Look at the attitudes towards the various types of threesomes - while plenty of women aren't overly into the idea of an FFM, they are not violently against it like many men are with the MFM. Maybe that's more what I mean, I think that men have much more rigid boundaries on what they consider acceptable than women do.

 

As for as the part about love sex vs. casual sex - I think that men are more apt to view sex and women in general as either "Type A" or "Type B" without much overlap, whereas I think that women tend to be a little more rational and realistic about it and understand that most sexual encounters fall somewhere in between. and as a byproduct/complement to this, many men tend to view women as either faceless T&A or the mother of their children and no in between. That's why you see so many men that can't handle their girlfriend having a sexual past even if they've had a more extensive one of their own! I don't usually hear about this with women unless the guy's past is of an extreme nature or the girl is a virgin or something. I mean, why isn't there a female equivalent of Hooters, you know (haha)? I just think that men seem to buy into that "damaged goods" complex way more than women do, even if they could potentially be regarded as damaged goods themselves if the magnifying glass was turned on them. Again, this is from my experience, but I think that a man is WAY more apt to be bothered by a girlfriend having a moderate number of previous partners than a woman would a boyfriend. whether this behavior is biological or culturally driven I don't know - but it's definitely there.

[BlueHaiku]

It seems like you are holding the line - that's good.

 

I worry when I hear she has let other guys do sexual things to her that she didn't really want them to do. That doesn't sound like the action of a stable person.

[AAlike]

Your GF hardly defines the norm on this!

 

This is all about personal values... or lack thereof. See, while we often have a wild side, and wish to try new things, our personal values define the boundaries of such experimentation.

 

My girlfriend or his?

 

as far as the values thing - well, it depends on what you mean. Honestly, the first time I read his post I think I either skipped over or forgot that he was a virgin - since that's the case, I actually do agree with you.

 

However, I disagree that the degree of experimentation that one will go to is shaped by one's personal values or belief system. I think that the only decision regarding sex that has to do with morals or value systems is whether casual sex is OK or not OK. To say that one kind of casual sex is OK while another is not is not anything rooted in values, but rather just finding out one's comfort zone. if you're going to engage in casual/recreational sex at all, you're going to do whatever it is that turns you on - after all, that's the entire point of casual sex! To make distinctions between levels of it is pointless.

 

In this case though, if OP is completely opposed to the idea of casual sex, then yes, this is a problem.

 

Now, you say that her asking to include him should not make him feel unloved? That is completely incorrect. How would this look if she didn't include him? Yes, she is asking him for purely selfish reasons. She must have some idea of his personal value system, and to ask him to break that... it's very unloving!

 

Again, given the information that I did not take into account, I think that you're right - I probably just skimmed this and took it as another "should I go through with this threesome" thing. Also, it's one thing to ask once, it's entirely another thing to ask repeatedly especially if she knows that this is bothering you.

 

OP, you're both young, and unfortunately it doesn't seem like this girl is willing to forego what she seems to see as an essential "wild oat sowing" period. could be time to let her move on.

[Spectre]

I already did point out her past experiences and she said she doesn't regret them because they made her what she is today

 

 

Exactly. In various topics on this board, people always go on about how the past is the past bla bla, which is a bit naive. Our past does make us what we are today, unfortunately it sounds like your gf's past made her into a whore.

 

 

I mean, come on, what kind of world are we living in where a girl *wants* to have two different cocks inside of her? It is one thing to get wasted one night and end up doing something like that, but to say to your bf "i'd really like two cocks in me". It is one thing to have a little fantasy about it, but you do NOT tell your bf you want another dude inside you, I thought that would fall under "common sense" but hell, in the couple years I've been coming to this board I've seen that common sense isn't as abundant in our world as I thought.

 

Just..god, what has the world turned into? What happened to morals? I get that this isn't 50 years ago and kids aren't waiting till marriage for sex anymore, etc. but damn, let's keep SOME of our morals people, they weren't all bad.

 

If my gf mentioned that she wanted to have a 3some with the another guy, I'd tell her "now it is 2some" cuz I'd be gone. Let me point out I would also say no to a 3some with another girl, just thought I'd point that out cuz I know some people love to throw around the "double standard" term a lot.

Edited February 19, 2008 by Spectre