help (somewhat long...)

[me]

Let's see, I'm not sure how to start this... I've always been the one people turn to for advice, I'm not sure how to ask for it myself. I guess I'll start with some back-ground information. I'm 21 and my girlfriend is 20. We've been together for 3 1/2 years. We've been engaged for 2 1/2 years and living together for almost 2 years. We were highschool sweathearts, and each others first sexual experience. We always thought we were perfect together, and that we would be together forever. Even at our young age, marriage seemed perfect, because, we where never apart, and never wanted to be apart. Our friends and relatives, even people we didn't know, told us we where too young to get married. Wonderlust, or immaturity would split us appart. But we never believed them. It wasn't even until 7 or 8 months ago that I started to wonder if they where right... In this time questions that I thought I had answered became questions again. Suddenlly I didn't know myself, what I wanted, who I wanted,if I want childeren (she does, I don't think I do) I was washed with confusion, it was like I was 13 again. I guess the point is, I wasn't sure if this woman I had promised my life to, was the woman for me anymore. Over these last months, I've tried to figure myself out, but the harder I try, the more confused I become. I seem to go in stages, one month I'm deeply in love with her, and the next I want to date other people. I've managed to keep most of this inside, for the most part, she doesn't know of my feelings. I had decided that it would be better if we didn't live together anymore, and she agreed, but our lease isn't up for 6 more months, and she has made it clear that she won't move out before the end of the lease. When I talked to her about getting our own apartments, she didn't take it very well. She understood my reasoning, but it still heart her very badlly. Knowing that we are going to get separte apartments has sustained me for the last few months, it's the most recent development that has caused the most confusion. All of the sudden lately, I've began to look at other women. I haven't cheated on her and I don't think that I would, but I do look more then I usually do. Then, last night I met someone and realized that I was very attracted to her. Nothing happened between us, and I'll probably never see her again, but she has yet to leave my thoughts. I couldn't sleep last night, I felt so guilty. Here was the woman that I have spent the last 3 1/2 years of my life with sleeping next to me, and I had spent the evening talking to another woman. I'm a very talkative person, and to spend the evening chatting with someone would not usually mean anything to me, but last night I realized that while my body wasn't cheating, my thoughts where. Our sex life has also taken a down. We would make love (and it was love, not sex) 4 or 5 times a week, and since this latest development, I was unable to make love to her, until last night. Last night my thoughts were with the other woman, and I was able to have sex with her. That is the first time I've ever thought about someone else when we made love, and it hurt. It seems so obvious what I should do, but I don't know how. I love her very much, and I don't want to hurt her, but I know that's impossible. I feel horrible either way. If I break up with her, I know what I'll do to her, but if I stay, I won't be returning the feeling that she has for me. I've been telling myself that if I think about it long enough, I'll know what I want to do, but time only seems to make it worse. I hate to think that she will waste the best years of her life waiting for me, when she could be with someone that returned the feeling. I realize no one can tell me what to do, but I need to hear what other people (especially women) have to say. Thanks.

[Shirley]

Let's see, I'm not sure how to start this... I've always been the one people turn to for advice, I'm not sure how to ask for it myself. I guess I'll start with some back-ground information. I'm 21 and my girlfriend is 20. We've been together for 3 1/2 years. We've been engaged for 2 1/2 years and living together for almost 2 years. We were highschool sweathearts, and each others first sexual experience. We always thought we were perfect together, and that we would be together forever. Even at our young age, marriage seemed perfect, because, we where never apart, and never wanted to be apart. Our friends and relatives, even people we didn't know, told us we where too young to get married. Wonderlust, or immaturity would split us appart. But we never believed them. It wasn't even until 7 or 8 months ago that I started to wonder if they where right... In this time questions that I thought I had answered became questions again. Suddenlly I didn't know myself, what I wanted, who I wanted,if I want childeren (she does, I don't think I do) I was washed with confusion, it was like I was 13 again. I guess the point is, I wasn't sure if this woman I had promised my life to, was the woman for me anymore. Over these last months, I've tried to figure myself out, but the harder I try, the more confused I become. I seem to go in stages, one month I'm deeply in love with her, and the next I want to date other people. I've managed to keep most of this inside, for the most part, she doesn't know of my feelings. I had decided that it would be better if we didn't live together anymore, and she agreed, but our lease isn't up for 6 more months, and she has made it clear that she won't move out before the end of the lease. When I talked to her about getting our own apartments, she didn't take it very well. She understood my reasoning, but it still heart her very badlly. Knowing that we are going to get separte apartments has sustained me for the last few months, it's the most recent development that has caused the most confusion. All of the sudden lately, I've began to look at other women. I haven't cheated on her and I don't think that I would, but I do look more then I usually do. Then, last night I met someone and realized that I was very attracted to her. Nothing happened between us, and I'll probably never see her again, but she has yet to leave my thoughts. I couldn't sleep last night, I felt so guilty. Here was the woman that I have spent the last 3 1/2 years of my life with sleeping next to me, and I had spent the evening talking to another woman. I'm a very talkative person, and to spend the evening chatting with someone would not usually mean anything to me, but last night I realized that while my body wasn't cheating, my thoughts where. Our sex life has also taken a down. We would make love (and it was love, not sex) 4 or 5 times a week, and since this latest development, I was unable to make love to her, until last night. Last night my thoughts were with the other woman, and I was able to have sex with her. That is the first time I've ever thought about someone else when we made love, and it hurt. It seems so obvious what I should do, but I don't know how. I love her very much, and I don't want to hurt her, but I know that's impossible. I feel horrible either way. If I break up with her, I know what I'll do to her, but if I stay, I won't be returning the feeling that she has for me. I've been telling myself that if I think about it long enough, I'll know what I want to do, but time only seems to make it worse. I hate to think that she will waste the best years of her life waiting for me, when she could be with someone that returned the feeling. I realize no one can tell me what to do, but I need to hear what other people (especially women) have to say. Thanks.

 

Hi There!

 

First of all, it is natural for you to be attracted to women. And sexual attraction is also a natural thing. It's part of being human, and it has nothing to do with how much you love your fiance'. What matters is how you choose to deal with that attraction. If you're confused as to whether or not you love for your fiance is real, let me try to help. I tried to explain what love was like to my sister the other day, and I explained it this way. When she's sad, you're sad. When she's happy, you're happy. If she were lying on her death bed, you'd wish that you could take her place, so she could go on living.

 

If you feel like this with your fiance' then chances are you have a love that is true. Splitting up in order to prove it really won't make you feel any better.

 

Fantasizing is not cheating. But you need to talk to your fiance' about what you're feeling. And just because you make a commitment to one woman for the rest of your life, does not mean that you have to stop being friends with every other woman in the world. You will however, have to control your actions, and not be sexually intimate with other women. But you can still be friends with them. And because you want your fiance' to be a part of your life, you will want to share these feelings with her. And if other women become your friends, you will want your finance' to know them also.

[J]

I believe that since you are both younger and have spent a lot of your youth together, it is only natural for you to be curious about other women. And my personal opinion is, in order for you to both keep from being hurt, you should take a break. When I say break, I mean to date other people. If you are meant to be together, your relationship will withstand a separation. Maybe the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but you will always be curious if you don't at least find out. And in the long run, it could cause resentment towards her and vice versa, if you two don't get all the doubts out of the way before you make a lifetime committment with each other.

[Margaret]

I agree. It sounds as if your uncertainties are strong enough to warrant a trial separation. And you need to be honest with your fiancee; she deserves that. You don't need to go into detail about your interest and fantasies about other women, but you need to tell her that you are having doubts; that you need to do some soul-searching and determine what is best for your relationship. If it is meant to be, it will work out; trust me. You sound like an intelligent guy, and you were right in your comment about not wanting to hold her back either if you two are not right for each other. Although she will undoubtably be hurt, she will be hurt more in the long run if you don't do anything. Good luck to you.

I believe that since you are both younger and have spent a lot of your youth together, it is only natural for you to be curious about other women. And my personal opinion is, in order for you to both keep from being hurt, you should take a break. When I say break, I mean to date other people. If you are meant to be together, your relationship will withstand a separation. Maybe the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but you will always be curious if you don't at least find out. And in the long run, it could cause resentment towards her and vice versa, if you two don't get all the doubts out of the way before you make a lifetime committment with each other.