Engagement Despair

[shakenandstirred]

You guys are young, but that doesn't mean you can't be mature. I agree with norajane, she is lapping up the attention and she turns the tables on you when you tell her that her behavior is not acceptable. She can say "thank you, my fiance' thinks so too" like norajane also said. Guys can tell when a woman has that taken attitude. That is very true. Your fiance's sending out signals that I'm taken, but you still may have an opportunity. She isn't acting like someone who wants to be married and tells you that you are the one she wants to be with just to keep you clinging on to the relationship. There are many other beautiful women out there who would give you the respect you deserve. you sound like a good guy and she knows that you are. I would break it off and tell her that I have constantly told you about how I feel about this situation. I am not being overly jealous, but I highly doubt that you would appreciate me welcoming another woman's advances. So until and if you see my point of view this engagement is off. You have this guy on facebook, on privacy settings and all. If that's what you want then fine. But that's not what I want.

Pan, man grab your huevos and put your foot down. Women will run over you if you let them. They may not even want to, but they will if you let them. All women are not that way, but for those who are you have to let them know where you stand and stick to it. That's how you gain respect.

[Walk]

I second Nora's opinion on this.

 

she adds him to Facebook and she puts him on her privacy setting -- so he doesn't see her relationship status

 

(going to meet JR) she tells me she has to go back to work. I tell her what I read in her inbox and she gets defensive and how she finds it flattering and that she would never cheat -- just go out and have fun. She then turns it on me for going into her account. She doesnt admit to the privacy settings and lies up a storm. She doesn't go that night as I am clearly pissed. (She later admitted to lying about going back to work and putting him on the privacy settings -- she told me it was like a backup plan if it didnt work out with us

She lied to you. You know this, and it's not disputable. One of the first things I tried when I.. strayed, was meeting up with the guy in question. In secret if possible. If not, then I'd claim innocence and use the whole "I can't be a bytch to him" routine. I wanted it to be innocent... I wanted to believe my lies. I wanted it so bad that I was an amazingly liar... I bought it so thoroughly that my exh bought it too. He wasn't happy about it... but he didn't dump me for my actions.

But I wasn't seeing the guy because I wanted a new friend, I was seeing him because it fulfilled something I felt I needed at the time. I wanted this other guy. I was selfish, and didn't care how my exh felt about it. Even when he said it hurt him, I threw ever excuse and plausible deniability I could at him in order to get what I wanted.

 

She goes on to tell me that JR was there (at her party) and how he was saying how much he likes her, wants to take her out, telling her that she doesnt want to be engaged now, and how she's not even in love and that it is infatuation. His friends even approach her telling her to ditch me and go for JR.

Who invited JR? How did he know to go there on that night at that time? I think she told him. And I think she did whatever was necessary to get what she wanted, and that was time with JR without you around. You didn't mention her response to JRs proclamation that she didn't want to be engaged or to ditch you. Why is that? Because she didn't respond? Because she didn't deny it? That action should tell you something. Maybe you don't want to hear it, but you do need to listen.

 

He still visits her at work and still MSN msgs her "hey sexy whats up" and so forth

 

(after telling him she was engaged he..) continued with "I want to take you out" and "You are beautiful."

He doesn't respect her relationship with you. Why do you think that is? Because he's an a$$? Probably... but SHE hasn't shown him that he needs to respect it. And therefore JR doesn't respect it.

She told me she is not going to tell him to lay off and if it bugs me so much, I should do it.

Obviously his opinion counts more then yours, or she would tell this guy to back off. She doesn't want to be considered a bytch by him. Fine... but it's okay to cause you pain? To sneak off behind your back to meet someone else? To lie to you about it? To allow others to ridicule your relationship? Everyones opinion BUT yours counts. What does this action tell you about her feelings toward you?

 

she told me he's just being friendly and 'joking.'

Calling someone sexy is not 'friendly', that's flirting with sexual intent. He told her how much he likes her, wants to take her out, and that she doesnt want to be engaged to you. That's not friendly or joking. You know this. Why are you listening to what she says? Do not believe her words. For your own sake, please....

she hasn't cheated, and keeps telling me she never will.

Have you ever heard a significant other tell their partner "Oh, by the way honey, I'm going to cheat on you." Of Course she has no intention of cheating. No one does. Geez.. I had no intention of cheating. Or of Ever cheating. Nor had I ever cheated prior to that point. She's not going to tell you anything different. Don't listen to this. Listen to the actions.

 

And when is the last time you had to tell her that you weren't going to cheat on her? What are the dynamics that bring that statement out? Usually its when someones actions are crossing the line so much that trust has been lost, and therefore the person feels they have to vindicate themselves by proclaiming their innocence. I don't believe you out right said to her that you thought she was cheating or going to cheat. I'd bet you brought up your concerns and asked her what the hell is going on. IF nothing had been going on, then she'd tell you that. But instead, she resorts to "I'd never cheat on you". That's kind of like someone asking me how I paid for my car and me screaming "I didn't steal it!".

 

In fact, I used that stupid line about 5 times with my exh. I've never once used that on my fiance because its never occured to me. Situations have never arisen that would require me to defend my innocence. I still hang out with male friends, but my actions reflect the platonic atmosphere of the relationship. I have nothing to defend against, therefore I have no need to use that line.

 

Anyway.. point is, your fiance just convinced you solely through words that she is an honest, trustworthy person who deserves your love. She's good... I'll give her that. But be smarter then this, ok? Listen to her actions.

 

The greatest weapon she has right now is confusion. She'll make you feel like your crazy. Like you're seeing things that aren't there. Like it's all in your head. She'll convince you that your overly jealous without reason. That your wrong for how you feel. You are right to feel the way you are. You aren't crazy. Trust in yourself and how you feel.

Edited February 20, 2008 by Walk

[sb129]

I should just 'deal with the fact that all guys will hit on me.'

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

What a THING to say... I missed this bit.

 

Walks post was absolutely bang on the money. You should print it out. Your GF is basically more concerned about what other guys think of her than what you, her fiance, thinks.

 

Your GF is taking the p*** and now she knows she can get away with it because she can manipulate you by talking the talk.

 

NJ was right, you are in for a lifetime of misery if you go through with marrying this egotistical woman.

[reservoirdog1]

She told me she is not going to tell him to lay off and if it bugs me so much, I should do it.

Wow, that's quite a green light she's given you. If possible, write down verbatim what she said to you, so you can quote it back to her later.

 

Try to find out where and when she's next going to encounter him. Don't let her know that you know. Then, show up there unexpectedly. Walk up to them, step right between the two of them, eyeball to eyeball with him, and tell him that if he ever contacts your financee again, you're going to feed him his balls. Then tell him to get the **** out of your sight.

 

I'm not saying this is the best approach from a legal standpoint. In fact, he might make a police complaint -- you will have threatened him, after all. But that risk aside, you will have done exactly what she suggested you do. In fact, she gave you her blessing. She'll suddenly have some respect for you -- which, right now, she pretty clearly lacks.

 

If you don't want to do something quite that dramatic, frankly, I'd dump her. Do you really want to always be worrying that your wife is banging someone else behind your back?

[norajane]

Wow, that's quite a green light she's given you. If possible, write down verbatim what she said to you, so you can quote it back to her later.

 

Try to find out where and when she's next going to encounter him. Don't let her know that you know. Then, show up there unexpectedly. Walk up to them, step right between the two of them, eyeball to eyeball with him, and tell him that if he ever contacts your financee again, you're going to feed him his balls. Then tell him to get the **** out of your sight.

 

I'm not saying this is the best approach from a legal standpoint. In fact, he might make a police complaint -- you will have threatened him, after all. But that risk aside, you will have done exactly what she suggested you do. In fact, she gave you her blessing. She'll suddenly have some respect for you -- which, right now, she pretty clearly lacks.

 

If you don't want to do something quite that dramatic, frankly, I'd dump her. Do you really want to always be worrying that your wife is banging someone else behind your back?

 

It's not the best approach because there will always be another JR around the corner that she will encourage and make secret dates with.

[chica_de_londres]

Hey, how are you doing? I actually joined loveshack specifically to be able reply to your post ;-).

 

I feel for your fiancé, I really do, because it is not easy being beautiful . I will be her age in few months time and I used to be a model before I went to university... so I think I know what it is like to get lots of attention. And I have to be frank, as much as it does suck sometimes to be constantly objectified because you are blonde and pretty, it is great fun! Random people smile at you, there is always someone to help you carry your heavy luggage on public transport, when you go out all the eyes are on you and there are always plenty of men who want to tell you that you are gorgeous and how they would absolutely love to take you out! It is flattering, it is fun, it makes you feel good, it is... shallow.

 

Of course, my boyfriend had to learn to 'deal with the fact that all guys will hit on me.' Then again, I never arranged to meet any of them behind his back.

 

She gave me this example; 'what do i say when someone says I look hot? be like...oh thanks but i have a fiance and you cant say that.' 'no thats stupid, and i dont want to be a bitch.')

 

I am sorry, but that is exactly what I would say. 'You look so beautiful' 'Thanks, but I have a boyfriend', 'Are you a model?' 'I've got a boyfriend',

'Heaven must be missing one of its angels' 'I don't know about that, but I have a boyfriend.' Sure, it cuts the conversation short and is not too much fun at all, but at least it is honest. I have no intention of cheating on my partner or changing him for another one, but he is not the one who needs to hear it - it's the guys who try to chat me up that need to know about it straight away. It is nothing to do with being a bitch, it is to do with the ability to say 'no'.

Harmless fun, she says? Hardly. She admitted herself that all the men she meets want a relationship. When you are beautiful and flattered leading somebody on can be a very dangerous game.

 

I mean, she hasn't cheated, and keeps telling me she never will.

 

OK, I actually believe in her innocence. But do make sure you are not the last to know. It would worry me a great deal if I discovered that, shortly after I got engaged to my boyfriend, he would try to sneak out on a date with somebody else just in case it did not work out between us. Alarm bells!!!

 

Still, I would give her all the time and support she needs to understand her mistakes, if she wants to make amends. She is definitely the one who should sort the whole JR business as soon as possible - it is her responsibility. Ultimately, committing to a serious relationship is scary for everyone and it is normal to be a little bit unsure... but she has to be very careful.

 

Good luck with everything! (Sorry about the length of his post...)

[sb129]

Still, I would give her all the time and support she needs to understand her mistakes, if she wants to make amends. She is definitely the one who should sort the whole JR business as soon as possible - it is her responsibility. Ultimately, committing to a serious relationship is scary for everyone and it is normal to be a little bit unsure... but she has to be very careful.

 

I am not sure "all the time and support she needs to understand her mistakes" is necessarily going to HELP her understand her mistakes.

Despite the fact that she is aware of how upset this situation is making Panopitcon, she still insists she has done nothing wrong , and that HE should tell JF to back off.

IF he gives her "time and support" this will only reinforce this way of thinking to her, and she will think she has gotten away with it.

 

Unfortunately they only way some people can actually realise their mistake is if the person they are hurting takes action to the point that the other person is in danger of losing them- only then can they grasp the enormity of the hurt their actions and behaviour has caused.

 

I appreciate what you are saying Chica de Londres, but I am sure its far easier to be beautiful than it is to be ugly or "different looking". Those people still get stared at on the tube, and have to deal with awful comments on a much more regular basis. I feel so sorry for those kind of people, but I am glad I am not different looking, I know that is shallow but it is the truth.

I am not bad looking, and have had my fair share of attention from men in public. I used to find it more flattering that I do now- now that I am engaged I don't even register the attention anymore, I am pretty sure I now give off the "I'm taken" vibe- because I don't meet their eyes, or ask for my bag to be carried or anything like that.

 

Some drunken sleazy idiot tried it on on the tube last night while my BF was sitting next to me. My BF was listening to his ipod and didnt really hear the exchange until it was over, but a withering look and a comment that my celeb magazine was a million times more interesting than this drunken idiot could ever be soon put paid to that, and he looked like an idiot in front of his friends. I may sound harsh, but any guy that will sleaze on a woman on the tube like that deserves to be humiliated back!

 

Panopitcon- how are things going?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Pan, if you marry her under these conditions without any real changes she will see that you are passively accepting her actions (or at the very least she will see that she got away with it) and she will continue to do stuff like this. You are giving her "one more chance" and she will simply drive it underground off your radar and continue. If you marry this woman you will find yourself giving "one more chance" for as long as she has the ability to send out signals to other men and have them accept them.

 

Marrying won't change the fact that she obviously needs outside validation from other men.

[panopitcon]

Hey guys, sorry for the lengthly absence. I can't thank you all enough, it really did help put everything into perspective. I have been hard at work and busy with my Masters, so here is the update, which i am sure you're all waiting for.

 

Ever since I made my first post, to about Wednesday of last week -- things have drastically changed. It was almost like my fiance read my post and what followed. Out of the blue, she apologized and realized now what she was doing was indeed disrespectful and unacceptable.

 

This was a shock, and sparked the obvious question of 'Did JR pull something serious enough so you think this way so suddenly?' She told me that he was becoming a nuisance -- always visiting, leaving notes under her windshield, hitting on her -- so she told him straight up to back off. My good friend was even at the gym and saw them talking and she went over and mentioned me constantly. Even my fiance's reactions were good, she welcomed talking about me and made tons of references.

 

She deleted him off Facebook and MSN and he still visits, but she gives him the cold shoulder. She also apologized for telling me to handle it -- as it was clearly her call and judgement and had to do it herself. Ever since this, it's been great. She has started acting like my fiance and now when someone compliments her; "Thanks, my fiance thinks so too."

 

Thanks again everyone who has posted and offered advice. If anything else erupts or comes into play, you can make a safe bet that I will come here with high hopes.

[sb129]

Thats great news.... I still think you shouldn't rush into marriage with this one though- there isn't any hurry, you are both young.

 

Glad to hear it worked out without you having to deliver an ultimatum.

[Darth Vader]

Hey guys, sorry for the lengthly absence. I can't thank you all enough, it really did help put everything into perspective. I have been hard at work and busy with my Masters, so here is the update, which i am sure you're all waiting for.

 

Ever since I made my first post, to about Wednesday of last week -- things have drastically changed. It was almost like my fiance read my post and what followed. Out of the blue, she apologized and realized now what she was doing was indeed disrespectful and unacceptable.

 

This was a shock, and sparked the obvious question of 'Did JR pull something serious enough so you think this way so suddenly?' She told me that he was becoming a nuisance -- always visiting, leaving notes under her windshield, hitting on her -- so she told him straight up to back off. My good friend was even at the gym and saw them talking and she went over and mentioned me constantly. Even my fiance's reactions were good, she welcomed talking about me and made tons of references.

 

She deleted him off Facebook and MSN and he still visits, but she gives him the cold shoulder. She also apologized for telling me to handle it -- as it was clearly her call and judgement and had to do it herself. Ever since this, it's been great. She has started acting like my fiance and now when someone compliments her; "Thanks, my fiance thinks so too."

 

Thanks again everyone who has posted and offered advice. If anything else erupts or comes into play, you can make a safe bet that I will come here with high hopes.

 

 

IMO, she may have done something with OM (sex) and didn't like it, and/or she used your computer and came on here and read all of the responses. I hope I'm wrong though, but, to me, it all sounds a little too convenient, especially about how she is sooo sorry about telling you to handle things. It kinda reminds me of what Obi wan once said "these aren't the droids you're looking for"! Like I said, there's something wrong here! There's a disturbance in the force!

[panopitcon]

sb129 -- the wedding was pushed back, and is now tentatively set for Summer 2010

 

Darth Vader -- definitely crossed my mind, but it wouldn't make sense. We've been inseperable and have spent literally every waking minute together. I even visited her at work a bunch of times. She never uses my laptop as well. I am going with her to the gym tomorrow, and I am assuming JR will be there.

 

Would it be a good idea to say something to JR, or basically remark my territory and be all over my fiance?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

"She works a lot of hours a week, and tells me about the stories on how her clients hit on her and how she has to remain professional and not be rude (unless it goes to far, which it never has)."

 

So, she hides things from you, lies to you, makes "backup plans" (as in, planning for the two of you to fail) although you are engaged, and not to mention that her friends prefer the new guy to you--and you believe that yet another silly lie?

 

The only reason she hasn't cheated on you yet is because it hasn't "gone to far." But it will, and she will lie more and more, and I hope you will let go of your idealistic delusions of her long enough to realize what bad news she is.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Also, on Cobra's advice, I went back and read your other threads, and all I can say is, wow. No wonder she has no respect for you; you're a tool who lets her get away with anything and everything. Why do you want to marry someone so dishonest, with such a wandering eye?

 

(And if she's as hot as you say, why does she need to use dating sites to find guys? o_O)

[sb129]

Also, on Cobra's advice, I went back and read your other threads, and all I can say is, wow. No wonder she has no respect for you; you're a tool who lets her get away with anything and everything. Why do you want to marry someone so dishonest, with such a wandering eye?

 

(And if she's as hot as you say, why does she need to use dating sites to find guys? o_O)

 

Where are these threads?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

sb: they are here, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82952/ and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84388/ and unfortunately enough, both as well in the cheating/flirting/jealousy section.

[fetish]

You all are being way too hard on this guy IMO. He's been with this woman for 3 years. I know what its like falling deeply in love with someone and not being able to let go all that easy! Especially if she's hot!

 

Not to contradict my previous paragraph but i do hope that panopitcon is very careful. I too am suspicious of the 180 degree turn she did so sudden. Either she cheated and felt bad about it, didn't like it or the guy probably said something really offensive to her to turn her off. All in all, I don't think that it was about pano's feelings. It was about herself.

 

I know this because i've cheated in relationships and been cheated on. IT hurts like hell. I would rather have a gunshot wound than a broken heart because broken hearts take longer to heal. But knowing a cheater's and cheatee's game, i know that the cheater sometimes feels remorse for what they did and realize what they have. Then they want to do right. They weren't thinking about that before!

 

Panopitcon, i'm not saying she cheated, but just keep an eye out because i sense a little bit of "game" in this situation.

[xpaperxcutx]

sb: they are here, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82952/ and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84388/ and unfortunately enough, both as well in the cheating/flirting/jealousy section.

So I read the whole thread and the past threads from the links, and I've gotta say, I've never seen anyone put up so much as Pan. It's rather sad actually, why have you stayed with her for so long, when she's shown the first signs of infidelity at your 6 month mark? Do you truly love her (as a person) or do you love her for the fact that you've managed to obtain such an attractive gf, that you're willing to be a doormat, just because she serves as an ego boost for you?

[mental_traveller]

You don't want to be even casually dating a girl that behaves this way, let alone getting married. She is showing a serious lack of commitment, and disrespecting you in a really bad way. I know you are into her, but she is not marriage material. You should cancel the wedding and dump her immediately - if you carry on, you are just gonna be cheated on in your marriage and then you will have a painful and very expensive divorce where you will be taken to the cleaners and end up "damaged goods". Save yourself that hassle by acting decisively now.

[mental_traveller]

Well, I just returned home after a long evening. I did a lot of thinking, taking everything into consideration and laid everything on the table. I brought up JR and told her how much it is affecting me, and how it is extremely disrespectful towards me, her, and us. She agreed; saying it wasn't a good thing -- but still thinks it is flattering. She told me she is not going to tell him to lay off and if it bugs me so much, I should do it. I don't know this guy from a hole in the ground -- just that he is trying to make his mark. She went on to assure me that he will never take her away and that she only has eyes for me -- and told me if he ever made a physical move on her she would be stern and 'end the friendship.' She told me she always wears her ring and told me to ask anyone there that I know (which I did and turned out to be true).

 

What more can I do? Do I confront JR? Go out of my way to find him? Send him a Facebook message? Ignore it?

 

I am still confused, but I do trust my fiance -- forgive and forget right? I mean, she hasn't cheated -- but I can't understand how she finds it so flattering that he comments her like it is going out of style (she told me that any girl loves compliments and it is harmless only until the guy makes a physical approach).

 

You are still lapping up her blatant BS. Everyone on this thread can see it is BS, except you.

 

Look, you have two choices:

 

1) Dump her and move on

2) Beat up this guy, preferably at the gym in front of your gf, then dump her and move on.

 

Your call.

[sb129]

So I read the other threads and... I can't believe you even proposed Panopitcon.

 

This woman is a liability... to you, and to herself.

[Kalamazoo]

I really hate to say it buddy but you need to do something about this situation. According to your older posts this has been a reoccurring theme in your relationship - what makes you think that this time is the last time that this will happen?

I know its hard to walk away from a relationship that has lasted 3 years, but honestly it is something that should have been done the first time you posted about it 6 months into your relationship. There hasn't been ONE good comment telling you to stick with it; everybody can see past her lies except for you.

You need to do what is best for you in this situation and save yourself from a lot of future hurt because it sounds like if she hasn't cheated on you already, she will eventually. Things will get a heck of a lot messier once marriage, careers, mortgages, and children come into the picture. She is not ready for marriage.

If you haven't seen this already maybe you should watch it because your post came to mind when I saw this on TV:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FzZWqYWhdQw

[twice_shy]

First, she is a personal trainer and works at a local gym. She works a lot of hours a week, and tells me about the stories on how her clients hit on her and how she has to remain professional and not be rude (unless it goes to far, which it never has). Then, this one guy (we'll call JR) appears. He is 28 yrs old (5 more than me) and my fiance caught his eye. She told me how he comes in only when shes working, talks up a storm and even comes in to see her even when he doesnt have time to work out. Harmless? Sure, but it gets worse. Facebook. 1-2 weeks later, she adds him to Facebook and she puts him on her privacy setting -- so he doesn't see her relationship status, wall posts, pictures of us (even our trip to Cuba), and etc. He doesn't know she's engaged or that I exist.

 

Next, he asks her to have a drink at a local sports bar and catch the hockey game. She doesn't tell me this -- i did the wrong deed of checking her Facebook (only after she checked in front of me and he had sent her a private message). She even asked if he 'creeped her profile' and he said 'of course' and how he cant wait to take her out. I bring it up (on the night she is supposed to go) after she tells me she has to go back to work. I tell her what I read in her inbox and she gets defensive and how she finds it flattering and that she would never cheat -- just go out and have fun. She then turns it on me for going into her account (to this day she has changed her password) She doesnt admit to the privacy settings and lies up a storm. She doesn't go that night as I am clearly pissed. (She later admitted to lying about going back to work and putting him on the privacy settings -- she told me it was like a backup plan if it didnt work out with us -- which i think is completely ridicolous).

 

Third -- Girl's Night (one week after the facebook lie). She gets ready with her girls and hits up the local bar. She calls me thru out the night and asks me to pick her up at 1am to come home. I do so (even leave my guy's night early) and she is bombed. She goes on to tell me that JR was there and how he was saying how much he likes her, wants to take her out, telling her that she doesnt want to be engaged now, and how she's not even in love and that it is infatuation. His friends even approach her telling her to ditch me and go for JR. Cue me being furious.

 

Now, I want her to do something about this. She exclaims that it is flattering and harmless. He still visits her at work and still MSN msgs her "hey sexy whats up" and so forth. She won't do anything (in her words and I quote) 'until he physically touches me, or tries to kiss me.' Yet, he verbally hits on her, and keeps trying to lure her in. I mean, there's only so much he has to do -- eventually will he be successful?

 

I have never met JR (yet) and he still is being a menace. My fiance won't tell him to stop ('i'm too nice and i dont want him to think im a bitch or stuck up') and I am clearly not happy and it has been on my mind for weeks now.

 

I am asking for your feedback and advice, and it is very much appreciated.

 

Best,

Confused and Furious

 

 

I'd say you don't want to marry her. She adds a guy to Facebook, doesn't want him to see pics of her with her bf, she goes out with the girls and gee, what do you know, he is there.

 

Wonder how he knew she was gonna be there? She told him. Looks like girls night out means girls, and other guys, just not you.

 

Big red flags here. You might want to sit her down and ask her if she really wants to get married. Sounds like she likes the attention from another man too much. And if it is "girls night out" then thats what it is suppose to be. Sounds to me like she invited him to meet her there.

 

I dunno dude, I really don't want to seem like I'm telling you to jump the gun, but she doesn't sound real trustworthy.

[twice_shy]

Well, I just returned home after a long evening. I did a lot of thinking, taking everything into consideration and laid everything on the table. I brought up JR and told her how much it is affecting me, and how it is extremely disrespectful towards me, her, and us. She agreed; saying it wasn't a good thing -- but still thinks it is flattering. She told me she is not going to tell him to lay off

 

Thats all that needs to be said right there. Dump her. You do NOT want to marry this tart.

[twice_shy]

Hey guys, sorry for the lengthly absence. I can't thank you all enough, it really did help put everything into perspective. I have been hard at work and busy with my Masters, so here is the update, which i am sure you're all waiting for.

 

Ever since I made my first post, to about Wednesday of last week -- things have drastically changed. It was almost like my fiance read my post and what followed. Out of the blue, she apologized and realized now what she was doing was indeed disrespectful and unacceptable.

 

This was a shock, and sparked the obvious question of 'Did JR pull something serious enough so you think this way so suddenly?' She told me that he was becoming a nuisance -- always visiting, leaving notes under her windshield, hitting on her -- so she told him straight up to back off. My good friend was even at the gym and saw them talking and she went over and mentioned me constantly. Even my fiance's reactions were good, she welcomed talking about me and made tons of references.

 

She deleted him off Facebook and MSN and he still visits, but she gives him the cold shoulder. She also apologized for telling me to handle it -- as it was clearly her call and judgement and had to do it herself. Ever since this, it's been great. She has started acting like my fiance and now when someone compliments her; "Thanks, my fiance thinks so too."

 

Thanks again everyone who has posted and offered advice. If anything else erupts or comes into play, you can make a safe bet that I will come here with high hopes.

 

Didn't see this update. but honestly, it wouldn't change a thing except maybe postponing things.

 

What REALLY made her come to this realization? Did he turn out to be a creep? If so, and it was something along those lines, she wouldn't be telling him to back off. It still doesn't change the fact that she is partial to hiding a guy behind your back on an internet site and making sure a guy that comes on to her knows what bar she is at so they could see each other there.

 

I'd still be VERY cautious. If she had any respect for you, she wouldn't have done all those things in the first place.