Do I have cold feet?

[nickilovespookie]

I’ve been with my bf for 3 years. My sister and best friend both think we’re made for each other, he really can make me laugh. Our sense of humors is the same. For 3 years I was completely devoted to him. But he didn’t give me the attention that I craved so I ended up cheating on him. We had a sit down talk about 2 ½ weeks prior to the cheating and nothing changed. Apparently he didn’t take things seriously. Then 2 ½ weeks after the talk I was coming back from visiting some family in Door County and on my way back I stopped at a friend of the family’s house. I developed a crush on him and had been talking with each other via text messaging and phone for about a month which sort of triggered the whole “talk” with my bf. I just wasn’t sure anymore if continuing the relationship with my bf is what I wanted. After all, I developed a sexual crush on someone else.

 

The day that the cheating happened I came home and that night officially ended things with my bf. We had been living together for 2 years so I left. It wasn’t fair to either of us to be in it when I cheated. I didn’t tell him that anything happened though, he knew about the other guy but didn’t know anything happened; I lied to him.

 

Well, long story short, my bf ended up finding out about me cheating though some emails that I wrote to my friend on myspace. Dumb I know. But he found out and that’s that. I was a little relieved he found out though because then I could really have my freedom. But I never really wanted to loose him. I’m being a cake eater.

 

Over the course of the next week, we talked, he was angry and then he helped me move my things to my parent’s house. Despite the cheating he still wanted to eventually make things work. He believes in second chances and thinks that this could make us even stronger some day. He really truly loves me. I told him I can’t understand why, I cheated and he said despite all of this there’s no one out there like me and he’s searched his entire life for someone like me. He’s 29 and I’m 23.

 

I can definitely see us getting married someday and having children but lately I’ve been craving the single life. When I spend time with this other guy (that I cheated with) I love it. When I’m with my bf, I think of the other guy sometimes. There’s also a few other men that I wouldn’t mind going out with, just to have a good time. Probably an attention problem I have.

 

I’ve never felt like this before, I’ve always wanted to settle down and be a wife type thing but then I developed feelings for the other guy. The other guy isn’t the ideal husband or anything, I don’t see us getting married or with anyone else for that matter (other than my bf) but I definitely have persistent feelings of spending time with other men. I’m not a slut or anything either but that’s what I’m a little scared of too, sleeping with men. I’ve slept with a total of 3 boyfriends plus the “other guy”. I would say that’s decent for my age.

 

I’m sure a small factor of this whole thing is that my girlfriends are all single. They pretty much lead exciting lives. Maybe that’s what I’m looking for. I also have married friends too and sometimes wonder if they’re really truly happy. My Dad and Stepmom have a terrible relationship so that worries me and I see divorces happen all the time. While I KNOW that if my bf and I did get married we would be very happy together I still have these both sexual and non sexual feelings for other men.

 

I’ve already hurt my bf once, we are technically not together right now but we say I love you and spend time together. We’ve also slept together 3 times since the breakup. But that’s not what he is after, he loves me. He’s the type of guy that could really take care of me, he’s smart and loyal. When we sleep together it’s really good once we do it but leading up to it, I dread it. I just don’t have the urge with him that I once had. The times I’ve been with this “other guy” (4 times exactly but none since I’ve been with my bf) everything has come natural. It’s great and I feel so sexy when I’m with him. He makes me melt.

 

Before all of this cheating and wanting to be single I was waiting for a ring. Now I couldn’t honestly say yes because my heart isn’t 100% there anymore.

 

I just don’t know what to do. I wish that if this was a phase that I’m going through that it would stop. Do you think it’s a phase?

[sunshinegirl]

Please let him go.

 

You are not ready for a serious, committed relationship.

 

There's nothing wrong with that - you are young! - but do not drag your boyfriend's feelings through all of this. Cut him loose permanently and, if you want, pursue this other guy.

 

But don't hurt your BF in this way. That's selfish.

[nickilovespookie]

I just don't understand why I was so happy and committed for 3 years, wanting to be with him forever blah blah and then all of a sudden one guy particularly sparks my interest and I just all of a sudden no longer want to be with my boyfriend? I'm confused.

 

I do love him but sometimes I wonder if I'm just with him because 1. He loves me so much and I feel incredibly guilty and 2. he would be a great lifelong partner. But don't get me wrong, I love being with him, he makes me laugh more than anyone ever can. It's like we understand each other. But then there's the intimacy, I want someone else. Should that be the deciding factor of whether to be with someone? I don't think so. I wish I could just go back to normal when I was happy.

 

Your opinion is that since I want to date other people (all of a sudden) that I'm not ready for this serious relationship? Why all of a sudden though? You don't think this could be a phase of like cold feet or something?

[nickilovespookie]

Another thing is that yes, I know I'm young but I won't be forever and I don't want to loose such a great guy all because I'm "young", that sounds selfish to me. I am young but I know I am also very mature. Although you wouldn't think it judging by my cheating incident and this whole thing really. I haven't always been this way, like I said this seemed like a sudden thing. All of a sudden one guy sparks my interest and now a lot of guys are sparking it.

 

I just don't know if I could hurt my boyfriend again. We have plans for the future; a trip to Vegas planned, etc.

 

I'm so sad. I've been so edgy lately and I think it's because I am so confused. I don't want to let my boyfriend go. But I can't get past these feelings!

[nickilovespookie]

I would also like to add that I know that I'll never find anyone else as good as my bf so this is another reason why I am so weird right now. Honestly, I have this "go have fun" urge and it's not like me. I have always been fine with having fun while having a bf. But now I wonder, well, I'm not actually "free" if I have a bf. Am I turning into a wannabe slut?!! I DO NOT want to be that. My Mom was a little bit like that, she had countless boyfriends, one after the other. It bothered me because she was hurting these men and she was just really indecisive or something.

 

Why do I have such a sudden urge for other men? Ugh. I'm becoming disgusted in myself. Do I want to sleep with other men? Probably not. Even if I were single chances are, I'm just flirting, I don't have an actual craving to go home with men, just spend time with them, get to know them, really the attention. I am a flirt but more in a friendly outgoing kind of way.

 

Maybe this whole thing is that I just really like to flirt with guys and feel guilty because I have someone.

 

I'm clueless.

[witabix]

I have known women like this. The funny thing is they were all cool, funny, nice to talk to, and some were stunningly pretty. But not gf material. I fell for one once, never again, ever, ever, ever, ever........

 

Some men can handle it some can't. Don't fall for one who can't.

[nickilovespookie]

The thing is, I know where you're coming from but I'm not like that. I AM gf material. Or maybe I'm not and just think I am. I want to be married and have kids someday which is why I'm wondering whether this is just a nervous phase that I'm going through bc if I marry my bf I'll only be with him forever and that sort of makes me nervous. Never did before until I developed feelings for the other guy.

[witabix]

The thing is, I know where you're coming from but I'm not like that. I AM gf material. Or maybe I'm not and just think I am. I want to be married and have kids someday which is why I'm wondering whether this is just a nervous phase that I'm going through bc if I marry my bf I'll only be with him forever and that sort of makes me nervous. Never did before until I developed feelings for the other guy.

 

You have your answer here, if you marry and forget this other guy, what about in a few years when you are settled and life is boringly humdrum?

 

A new face appears who pays you attention..... these feelings will come back.

 

If you are not sure you can make a commitment than don't. Its not fair to you or your other 1/2.

[nickilovespookie]

You're right but I wonder, doesn't this happen with everyone, married or not? If it keeps happening then I'll never be settled down and I don't want that. I don't want to loose him but I also can't have nagging feelings. It's making me sick. I must say that I do like the comfort of him being there. He makes me feel safe and that every thing's going to be alright.

 

You don't think that this could just be a cold feet type situation or just a phase? How can 3 years of bliss be turned off so quickly because of some guy that will never size up to him?

[nickilovespookie]

maybe I just always thought I was ready for settling down and marriage. Maybe I'm really not. Makes me sad not to be with him though (bf).

[nickilovespookie]

This whole thing could also just be about getting attention from other guys. I didn't get it from my bf for a long time and now that he is giving it to me, maybe it's too late. ??

[witabix]

This whole thing could also just be about getting attention from other guys. I didn't get it from my bf for a long time and now that he is giving it to me, maybe it's too late. ??

 

Your own internal language should be telling you something. Do you truly think it may be too late, or do you wish/hope its too late?

 

It is normal to have second thoughts, about any situation you find yourself in, decisions are made on the basis of available info and on the basis of your current psychology. However no decision is too late to rescind. What we have to try to do is to ensure that when we make a decision that involves anothers life and well being, we do it honestly. That honesty will only come from within you, only you know you.

 

Why do you feel this need to get attention from men? What is the payoff for you? Do you get any lasting satisfaction from it? Can you see how this trait may come across to any man interested in you?

 

As I said earlier I have known women like this, and they are good to be around, they boost your ego for the short while you in their company, but you know that you are not special to them, just a flirty little moment in their lives. Thats cool when you know what you are doing, but not what a gf should be to her bf.

 

Your 'flirtiness' is not a problem per se, and I am not suggesting that it is. If you wish to flirt freely then thats fine. If you want to be in a happy stable relationship it may need to be calmed down somewhat, depending on your partner.

 

Perhaps you should simply weigh up what you have in your current relationship and look at what it gives that you want, and what it gives you that you don't want. Put this against a single lifestyle and see what you come up with.

[canadian976]

nickilovespooky

 

Oh my god, your story sounds exactly like what happened with my gf & me 3 years ago.

 

Go back to your man. Practice communication with him. Whats happened is that you both got into your ruts and life became boring. Apologize to your man, tell him you know he will work it out but you want to earn your forgiveness (trust me, I've been there). Above and beyond all what you have to do is stop getting distracted by all of these guys. You're in a mode, it will pass.

 

Find some personal hobbies, that really helped my gf get over the affair thing when she was 23. She never slept with anyone but her story was by and large the same as you. I can't read your world from your post but chances are you've always looked to your guy to bring excitement to your life; you crave a lot of attention. As you mature into a woman you need to find things to do on your own that dont involve exiting men taking you exciting places. I dont say that to demean you but I know it happens a lot.

 

Dont hook up with ANY guys at all right now. Get together with your girlfriends at your own house and do a bit of soul searching. In private, write out a list of all the good things about your bf, go back as far as you can. Then write out what you feel that you are missing that he doesnt provide. If you're anything like my gf youll at least half fill the page with the good and struggle with the bad only coming up with one or two real serious things.

 

Talk to your bf about what you feel you are missing, but make absolutely sure that he knows that you accept 100% responsibility for what you did and all you're doing by communicating this to him is "vaccinating" yourself from letting it happen again.

 

Get a book, regardless of whether or not you ever get back together with him, called "Not Just Friends" about affairs. It will make you understand that these "infatuations" occur because of poor relationship choices with those other than your partner; both men and women are not immune, at work or outside of work. Me and my gf both read that book together, she found it immensely helpful in overcoming the guilt and devastation of her own self esteem; and realizing how this happened in the first place.

 

It helped me a lot to understand how the "other man" ends up in the picture too, helped me peice my ego together which was quite shattered.

 

So I'd say

1- Go back to the man, accept full responsibility and apologize, but say you want to EARN his trust back no matter how nice he is about it

2- Get the book and read it together with him, discuss it with him (maybe as you consider moving back in with him?)

3- Get some of your own hobbies and personal interests. Take up a musical instrument, sports, something you like that takes a lot of time and you find fun.

4- Hang out with your girlfriends in "girl" environments. Dont let your single friends take you out to hazardous places especially right now.

5- If you need to hang out with any single men, do it in groups, with your bf or with several of your girlfriends, dont do it alone.

 

To help out your bf you might also want to go the extra mile. Leave your cellphone bills on the counter. Never turn your phone off and leave it on the counter. Always have your phone on and with you and answer it. Always let him know where you're going. You can do these things even if you arent living with him. For him the biggest thing is going to be learning to trust you again, no matter how much he wants you back now trust issues will bubble to the surface so you want to make sure he feels he can trust you again.

 

You sound like you really love this guy and these other guys you're encountering just seem "interesting". Life sometimes involves changing what we feel we want, in order to get what we want in the end. Kind of like "I want that big bowl of ice cream" but if you just do what you feel like all the time pretty soon you'll be standing in front of the mirror going "dam i am getting fat! I shouldn't have eaten that ice cream!"

 

Hope this can help.

[nickilovespookie]

This helps a lot. It's a nice change to hear someone tell me this side instead of the same old break up with him, he deserves better. Because while he doesn't deserve me cheating on him, he deserves to have the old me back which is better. He wants it back, he doesn't want anyone else.

 

I love him a lot and I'm not trying to hold onto him but yes I have all these other men that seem interesting to me but I KNOW that NO other man will ever complete me like Bruce does. How can I think that for so long and then all of a sudden change so quickly. I know that these other guys are just a phase. Something for me to conquer per se. I just really want to get past it. I really want to look forward to my life with Bruce. We have a trip planned and a life planned. I couldn't imagine myself in the long run with anyone else.

 

I'm really starting to miss living with him. How soon is too soon to move back in with him? I don't want him to think it's because I hate living with my Dad & Step Mom either, it's not. While yes I do hate living there, it's not my only option, I really do miss being at home with him. The way things used to be, we've built a life, we have a way of doing things.

 

I find myself mentioning him a lot to people, just little things like how we did things at home together.

 

I know these other men are just a phase which is why I haven't let Bruce go. It obviously means something if I know I'll never find another Bruce. He has been my one and only for quite some time, why would I just sleep with this other guy just for excitement? Well, I actually know, the things that I liked about him were that he made me feel incredible sexy, always giving me compliments and I felt a little bad doing it. I know he's a loser, he said he was going to call me yesterday and he didn't and he always has mood swings, if I say something he doesn't like, he freaks out and tells me never to talk to him again. This happened like twice.

 

About the making a list thing, I've made a list of qualities I want in a lifelong partner and yes Bruce matched all of them. I've made a list of things I like about him and there were really only like 2 that I dislike. He's pretty close to perfect and I need to get my mind out of the gutter.

 

I went out on Saturday with my gf's and it was a lot of fun. See while yes I definitely am a flirt, I never kiss guys and I NEVER go home with them. In the back of my mind is Bruce. He's always there, in a good way.

 

So you recommend getting hobbies.

 

The fact of the matter is that if I had a guy who wasn't so great, I would tell myself to forget about him. I would say, yes you are young, go out and date. And yes I am young but someday I won't be young and won't want to date, then what. Bruce could be gone forever. I am young but I am also very mature and I think what Bruce and I had isn't something that should be given up on so easily.

 

 

I really thank you for your advice. I truly appreciate it. Someday I'm going to look back on this and laugh, wonder why but right now, it's pretty serious and stressful.

[nickilovespookie]

Btw, are you and your gf still together? You mentioned she was 23 when this occurred, how far apart in age are you?

[canadian976]

Btw, are you and your gf still together? You mentioned she was 23 when this occurred, how far apart in age are you?

 

actually she was 22 we are 7 years apart. been together 7 years now, engaged a year

 

we're going through a rough time but part of the rough time is because of the affair, it was 2 years ago and there's still fallout that surfaces.

 

the thing to remember with any kind of affair is that it will never just go away; it always comes back to haunt you. The way to deal with it is to be open and honest and not try to "forget" it but rather to "remember" it so that it never happens again.

[dsim]

dont rush things. if you truly love him then theres no question. you dont want to be saying what if twenty years from now.

 

 

 

hey, could you read my bullitin. i need a diff. prespective. -dsim