I keep picking the wrong man

[kellyR]

Hi. I'm completely new to this forum and am hoping to figure out why I keep picking the wrong man.

 

I don't think of myself as needy, high maintenance or a 'princess'. I have a lot of friends, like my alone time, and am pretty active.

 

My 3.5 yr relationship ended a couple of months ago. I had moved in with him at his insistence, with the condition (that I made) that we'd start ring shopping and planning the wedding within a couple of months after me moving in. We talked about this many times and I was very clear. I moved in, 3 months later we went ring shopping once, and that was it. I started resenting him not fulfilling his promise (I did bring it up several times), and finally decided to leave because he had decided that 'we weren't really committed because' he hadn't proposed. He was not very interested in sex, and was almost passionless.

 

I think it takes time to get to know someone, and don't believe in love at first sight. For some reason men just seem emotionally unavailable - except in stupid movies and love songs.The guys I become seriously involved with seem fine for the first year or longer, but for some reason it just doesn't seem sustainable. I don't have sex with them right away, I don't become clingy, I don't demand all their free time.... I know I'm doing something wrong and would be happy to hear anyone's thoughts. Thanks.

[witabix]

Hi. I'm completely new to this forum and am hoping to figure out why I keep picking the wrong man.

 

I don't think of myself as needy, high maintenance or a 'princess'. I have a lot of friends, like my alone time, and am pretty active.

 

My 3.5 yr relationship ended a couple of months ago. I had moved in with him at his insistence, 1 with the condition (that I made) that we'd start ring shopping and planning the wedding within a couple of months after me moving in. We talked about this many times and I was very clear. I moved in, 3 months later we went ring shopping once, and that was it. I started resenting him not fulfilling his promise (I did bring it up several times), and finally decided to leave because he had decided that 'we weren't really committed because' he hadn't proposed. He was not very interested in sex, and was almost passionless.

 

I think it takes time to get to know someone, and don't believe in love at first sight. For some reason men just seem emotionally unavailable - except in stupid movies and love songs.The guys I become seriously involved with seem fine for the first year or longer, 2 but for some reason it just doesn't seem sustainable. I don't have sex with them right away, I don't become clingy, I don't demand all their free time.... I know I'm doing something wrong and would be happy to hear anyone's thoughts. Thanks.

 

Hi KellyR,

 

I highlighted parts of your post. 1. It seems to me that this was a bit of a pressure point. Did he mention marriage first? Its difficult to propose to someone who said that. This is not an attack on you or anything like that.

 

2. This could be percieved as distancing or witholding. I am not there so I don't know of course.

 

Are you keen on marriage? Whats wrong with living together? Why not have sex on the first date? Why have sex on the first date? What do you want from a relationship? What kind of person would fulfill you? What kind of person are you? Do you want a relationship?................

 

All these questions, although they probably shouldn't be on your mind the whole time, need you to have some feeling for what the answers are, and to many others of course.

 

Just read back over that post, not a lot of help really, but I'll post it anyway.....

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Maybe you try too hard and therefore the men don't need to try enough?

 

Make a list of all applicable traits each of your men possess and then reflect to see if there's a pattern to your pics. You mind may want something but your heart wants something else. Reflect on you and it will help you find the one for you.

[kellyR]

I am keen on marriage. I don't go out with a guy JUST to find out if he's marriage material - and generally have a good time, don't worry about the future, but since my relationship ended a short while ago, I thought I'd do a little soul searching and try to figure out what's going wrong.

 

A little more info... I'm 42, and was married once when I was 18, divorced at 20. No kids, not much interest in having them (although I'd be fine with being a stepmom), and do want someday to meet the so-called 'right' man and don't want to get married just for the sake of being married.

 

Just trying to get some input on what I may or may not be doing wrong. Thanks for the feedback.

[kellyR]

Thanks, B.E. Brain - making a list is a good idea.

[Curmudgeon]

For some reason men just seem emotionally unavailable - except in stupid movies and love songs.The guys I become seriously involved with seem fine for the first year or longer, but for some reason it just doesn't seem sustainable.

 

Could there be something wrong with your man-picker? If I read this thread correctly, you're 42, were married once for two years and have been single for the past 22. Presumably you're dating men in your own age group, give-or-take a few years. If so, there's likely a reason the ones you date are single and commitment phobic or flawed in some manner. Given that there are more available women in their 40s than there are men, I would question why these men aren't already in relationships. There may be perfectly good reasons. There may also be warning signs there.

 

Having said all that, I certainly wouldn't despair. My wife was divorced for the second time and single for 18 years before we got together. She'd also been non-social for 12 years, having decided that men just weren't worth the hassle. She was 48. At 50, I was absolutely ambivalent about marriage, having been there, done that myself. Perhaps that's why it worked for us. Perhaps love comes best when you're looking for it least.

 

Rather than moving in with someone, I suggest you take the time to really get to know them and become friends. You're certainly young enough to give it a whirl. There should be no rush. If the relationship is right, both of you can afford to wait and be patient.

 

This may not apply but I will tell you that the thing that was most off-putting to me where women were concerned was for them to appear emotionally needy. The harder they pushed to have a relationship with me the faster I backed away.

[kellyR]

Thanks for the input, Curmudgeon.

 

To clarify, my last ex and I had been together close to 3 years before I moved in - and it was his idea. I usually am fairly cautious about getting serious about someone and while I feel I'm 'available' don't want or try to be with someone I'm interested in all the time. I've never met anyone with whom I'd want to spend every waking moment. A woman needs her space (I'm pretty sure men do too).

 

I don't think of myself as 'desparate' . I'm just trying to keep from making the same mistakes over and over again. I think my 'man-picker' definitely needs some fine tuning.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hi. I'm completely new to this forum and am hoping to figure out why I keep picking the wrong man.

 

I don't think of myself as needy, high maintenance or a 'princess'. I have a lot of friends, like my alone time, and am pretty active.

 

My 3.5 yr relationship ended a couple of months ago. I had moved in with him at his insistence, with the condition (that I made) that we'd start ring shopping and planning the wedding within a couple of months after me moving in. We talked about this many times and I was very clear. I moved in, 3 months later we went ring shopping once, and that was it. I started resenting him not fulfilling his promise (I did bring it up several times), and finally decided to leave because he had decided that 'we weren't really committed because' he hadn't proposed. He was not very interested in sex, and was almost passionless.

 

I think it takes time to get to know someone, and don't believe in love at first sight. For some reason men just seem emotionally unavailable - except in stupid movies and love songs.The guys I become seriously involved with seem fine for the first year or longer, but for some reason it just doesn't seem sustainable. I don't have sex with them right away, I don't become clingy, I don't demand all their free time.... I know I'm doing something wrong and would be happy to hear anyone's thoughts. Thanks.

 

 

Calm down.

 

Your not doing anything wrong from what I've read. Sometimes the guys you pick got issues. Just like the women we pick got a whole lot of issues.

 

Maybe you fell for what he represented, not for who he was internally.

 

But then that's what dating is for. Dating is a way of seing who is worthy of being your other half.

[OpenBook]

Kelly I think the only thing you're doing wrong is believing that you've just GOTTA find the "right man." You don't. Men are to be enjoyed. And if one comes along that you end up in a committed R with, great. But if not, that's great too. Let it go.

 

If I were you, I'd be thanking my lucky stars to find out he was "passionless" before you walked down the aisle with him. What a nightmare that would have been! You're now free from that. Whew! that was a close call.

 

The next time a guy insists that you move in with him, don't cave! If you don't want to live with a guy before you get married, then DON'T. It's your call, not theirs... as much as they want you to believe it's theirs. And if they dare to threaten to break up with you if you don't do what they say, then you'll know everything you need to know about them -- they're not going to treat you well, no matter WHAT you do.

[Mr. Lucky]

To clarify, my last ex and I had been together close to 3 years before I moved in - and it was his idea.

So if I'm following your timeline correctly, you moved in with him at the 3-year mark in a 3 1/2 year "almost passionless" relationship? Because he insisted?

 

I think others here have given you good advice. You're a little too goal oriented when you should just be enjoying the journey. Unfortunately, it's out of your control - but that can be the surprising and fun part too ...

 

Mr. Lucky