Jujubee Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 I'm new to this forum, so I'm jumping right in with my problem. I've been married for almost 16 years, and for the most part my marriage has been good - pretty secure and normal. Our sex life has never been fabulous, but my husband honestly never complained. I've never been wildly sexually attracted to him. Anyway, almost 2 years ago, I began taking exercise classes in my city, and took a variety of instructors. I lost 20 pounds as a result and got back to the hot girl that I once was and was feeling pretty attractive and proud of myself. A year ago, I noticed I was growing a crush on one particular instructor who I took often. He is newly married, and has a new baby. He's a flirt, and I'm sure part of it comes with the job, you know, to keep women coming to his classes - who knows. Well, my my crush was already in full effect when I noticed he was flirting with me a bit more than others. Giving me real intense "F" me eyes, etc. Needless to say this just fed my crush like you cannot believe. I never thought I was "that girl," the girl that would consider having an affair, but this man absolutely drives me crazy physically. I found out from a good friend of his that his wife is obsessed with the baby, and they're not even sleeping in the same room, so obviously he's not getting what he needs at home. Anyway, my dilemna is whether or not to fess up with my feelings. I KNOW he's attracted to me, but I just don't know what he would do if I actually told him how I feel. There was a night when a bunch of people from this gym were out together and drinking (something I haven't done in years). I offered him a ride to his car, and he did not take me up on it. A friend of mine thinks he avoided it because he knew something would happen. It is all so high school. I am being totally emotionally unfaithful, and the thought of staying away from this gym entirely makes me feel sick and depressed. The attraction is like a drug for me, and when I don't see him, I'm really down. I've started seeing a therapist to deal with why I'm doing this, and what I really want. I know there is SOME reason this man came into my life right now, but I'm struggling to find out why. I am not happy in my marriage, but I'm not ready to end it either. I've just never been tempted like this before... Help... Link to post Share on other sites
Replicant Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 I think you are trying to find some reason to validate throwing caution to the wind in this being right. If you are not happy in your marriage is one thing, surely deal with that as you feel necessary. When you said you were going to therapy, that is probably the best thing if not couples therapy with your husband provided you want it to work. But to be selfish and allow this emotional affair to go over the edge, to indulge yourself and show no restraint ..you have more potential to wreck havoc on a newly married couple with a new baby and divide that family. So when that kid does grow up enough to start looking for reasons as to why that happened. Your personal lapse of judgment will lead to hate in that kids eyes. If that guy is not mature enough to seek therapy or what is needed to get past such a small obstacle in a new marriage, then he is the coward for not trying to work at it. For you to allow yourself to be the catalyst in a family going to $hit makes you even worse IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jujubee Posted February 18, 2008 Author Share Posted February 18, 2008 This is why I'm falling into such a deep depression about this. I know it is wrong, and that he has a family. I don't want to be the reason that family breaks apart, or mine for that matter... In the beginning it was all so crystal clear - small crush, he's married, and that's the end of it. Where it grew to me thinking this would be ok is beyond me.... Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 Oh, you are on the right track. The fact that you posted about it is telling that you don't want to do the wrong thing and you actually care. I think you are also on the right track about seeing a therapist. That is HUGE! My advice? Don't give in. You will be much better for it and you know that. Honestly, you are probably mixing in much fantasy with the reality, and you have too much to lose otherwise. I've gotten over a very strong EA myself, and distance was part of the solution I believe (I don't fully know the solution, but I am guess that is part of it). I would NOT fess up to your feelings. What good do you think will come of that? Are you secretly hoping for some validation? Good luck, and keep venting on here if that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 You are attracted to the fact you think he is attracted to you, and you love how that makes you feel. You probably haven't felt it in a while. With time your therapist will help you understand why you are idealizing this man and why you want to be with him so badly. I think you'll find that it isn't a matter of running toward him, so much as running away from everything else and hoping for some magic answer to your unhappiness. An affair definitely isn't your magic answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 You came here first so that is good. Why don't you try observing his bad points to make yourself turned off? You'd probably find out later anyway! Does he just give you the eyes or do you see him doing it with others? Butt sweat-ever see the butt sweat crack? Things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Arch Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 lol, stay away from the gym, going back there is like a alcoholic going to a bar but saying they wont drink - its not gonna happen. also instead of going out drinking with your "friends" maybe you should go with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 This is why I'm falling into such a deep depression about this. I know it is wrong, and that he has a family. I don't want to be the reason that family breaks apart, or mine for that matter... In the beginning it was all so crystal clear - small crush, he's married, and that's the end of it. Where it grew to me thinking this would be ok is beyond me.... Baby steps. Rationalizations often begin in baby steps. You have a big problem in your marriage. Your obligated to try and fix that first. Otherwise... why are you not willing to divorce? I completely agree with DirectX! The fact that your here, and that you feel guilty. Those are very good things. It means your not bad... that your just getting carried away with a fantasy, because it looks and feels easier than dealing with the real problem. A lackluster marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jujubee Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 I saw my therapist today, and she was wonderful as I knew she would be. Right now, she is just understanding, and that's what I need. Nothing will ever happen with this man. The feelings are mostly on my side, and he's just along to flirt and feed his ego. I honestly believe he won't cheat on his wife, which is why he's avoided situations where something could happen. What I don't understand is why he asked me to have coffee with him twice. Trying to be friends, perhaps. Oh well, I suppose this is where Karma kicks me in the ass for being so stupid. My ego just needed a boost, but I didn't count on my hopes getting too high. I've hesitated to get divorced, because I didn't want it to be because of this guy. i guess i felt I really needed to cleanse myself of him, so that I could be sure of why I'm unhappy. Anyway, thank you for your responses. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHaiku Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 You said yourself it's like a drug. Well... addiction is bad, as you know. And the way to end addiction is to cut the thing you're addicted to out of your life. Can you try couples counseling to try to put some of that spark back in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I know there is SOME reason this man came into my life right now, but I'm struggling to find out why. There's no "reason". It just happened, randomly. It doesnt have any supernatural or godly meaning behind it. Thinking it does seems to justify your moving further with it. Thats just wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
shakenandstirred Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) JUJU, You never really said anything was wrong with your marriage besides you not being wildly sexually attracted to your husband. If this is just the case, then why not seek help in spicing up your marriage. Communicate with your husband if you haven't already. Tell him the things that make you turned on. If he needs to get in shape more , tell him if that will spice up your sex life. As much as women would like us to, men cannot read minds. We will not know that you are unhappy unless you tell us. If you guys are in a routine, which I can bet you are after 16 years, he's just use to "business as usual". I think that you are changing and you are in a stage where you are yearning for more. Don't exclude your husband and seek answers elsewhere. You have made a 16 year journey to this point. You may be about to take a different path on this journey, take your husband down the same path with you. Edited February 19, 2008 by shakenandstirred Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I honestly believe he won't cheat on his wife, which is why he's avoided situations where something could happen. What I don't understand is why he asked me to have coffee with him twice. Trying to be friends, perhaps. I would not count on him to do all the work of cooling things down. In fact if he felt an attraction from you, then you back off, that may entice him to chase you some. That's how some guys respond to feeling rejected. I must have missed the coffee part. When did he ask you? Before or after the time you went out drinking with all of them? I think your plan to kind of detox, the reassess your marriage is very good! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jujubee Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 I would not count on him to do all the work of cooling things down. In fact if he felt an attraction from you, then you back off, that may entice him to chase you some. That's how some guys respond to feeling rejected. I must have missed the coffee part. When did he ask you? Before or after the time you went out drinking with all of them? I think your plan to kind of detox, the reassess your marriage is very good! He asked me to coffee before everyone went out. And I think you're right - if I pull away, he will wonder why and may possibly try and entice me back into flirting. He's just using me to feed his ego. Heck, I'm using him too, but the fact that I've given him a couple of openings and he hasn't taken them makes me think that this is as far as it will go. And honestly, I feel kind of rejected, which probably makes me want him more. It's a sick game. Right now I'm deciding if I want to work on my marriage or not. Obviously, something is wrong. In 16 years, I've never thought of cheating - at least not in a real, tangible way like this. My husband is a good guy, and we have been talking. I just don't know how in love I am. I think my judgement is clouded by the "rush" I feel at the thought of the other guy. That's not real love. Amazing how I have the answers, yet I'm still in this mess! Link to post Share on other sites
StartingOver07 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I know there is SOME reason this man came into my life right now, but I'm struggling to find out why. I am not happy in my marriage, but I'm not ready to end it either. I've just never been tempted like this before... I think you have this exactly backwards. There have always been men out there flirting with you. The difference, is, you are now unhappy enough to not only notice it but also starting fantasizing about it. This man is likely no different than countless other men you've been in contact with. What makes him different is how you are responding. You are not responding because he is different. Crushes induce strong feelings because we develop them for people we know extremely little about. This allows us to paint what we want onto that person. Hence you end up feeling that he has come into your life for a reason when reality is that if you were happy in your life you would scarcely notice him. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Right now I'm deciding if I want to work on my marriage or not. Obviously, something is wrong. In 16 years, I've never thought of cheating - at least not in a real, tangible way like this. My husband is a good guy, and we have been talking. I just don't know how in love I am. Perhaps this is a wake-up call to work on yourself, then assess your marriage. It sounds like you're in IC. Where's hubby? From your recitation, marital issues preceded the gym by a goodly amount. My opinion is NC with the gym and reassess personal and marital situation. Encourage MC if husband is willing. Your feelings are normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Actions, OTOH, well, you know, have consequences Link to post Share on other sites
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