can't get over boyfriend's sexual past

[warui]

hi.

 

i know it's my insecurities and low-self esteem-- but i need some objectivity because my constant thoughts and worrying give me much sadness.

 

my boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 1/2 years. we live together. ours is a monogamous relationship, and truly, it is great.

 

my boyfriend has had 41 sexual partners before me, and 1-live in girlfriend of a about a year and a half. he slept with his step-sister (met as late-teens, 'relationship' happened over span of weeks in their 20s)...

 

he is a wonderfully open partner, and never flashes this information in my face or anything like that. he is disclosive yet prudent with consideration of my feelings...

 

i just can't reeconciile my thoughts and judgements of his past with who he is now. he told me that it was a painful growing experience for him and one that he is albeit thankful for as it aids him in his relationship with me-- whom he says he has never felt what he does with me.

 

still...i think my insecurities are compounded because my boyfriend doesn't want to get married. he told me that if i sat him down and said, 'i will leave you if we don't geet married,' he would, but i of course don't want that! marriage is important to me, and not to fulfil some fantasy where i star as bride, but because i want to make our private union public-- it's important for me to be in a legal relationship before having children...he says 'no' because he has never heard any of his married friends sing the pleasures of matrimony-- and he figures that getting divorced is messy, hard, etc. etc. he says that living together in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship proves the bond because we choose to stay together, no legal bonds holding us together.

 

i disagree and say that dating is like leasing-- it feels like a choice month to month and it's always easy to separate...

 

this complicates my feelings about his past, because i feel like one day i'll just be #42 as he continues finding his 'loves', loving and leaving.

 

he admits that his 'pattern' has been to put women on a pedestal and fall in love quickly and deeply...

 

this hurts...

 

thoughts?

[Replicant]

On a positive note you've lasted longer than his 1 1/2 year max live in girlfriend. The fact he was honest about his past is one thing, and your choice if you think you can ever live beyond that and put it in the past because he very well could have lessened that number and also never spoke of having sex with his step-sister. But on the other hand his past tells a story of the kind of person he is, and this is exactly what conflicts with your morals.

[blind_otter]

Sounds like you have some fundamental differences of opinion.

 

First off, google "retroactive jealousy". That should address the whol insecurities about past partners thing. FWIW, I think everyone has a past - and he wouldn't be who he is now unless he had gone through what he went through. Just sayin.

 

RE: marriage....well that's a whole other issue, and a complex one at that. You want marriage, he doesn't. Simple as that. Is this something you are willing to live with, or will you constantly bring it up and be unsatisfied with the relationship?

 

I'll admit I come from a standpoint where I dislike marriage. I was married once. It ended. I don't see a need for it now.

[Cobra_X30]

still...i think my insecurities are compounded because my boyfriend doesn't want to get married. he told me that if i sat him down and said, 'i will leave you if we don't geet married,' he would, but i of course don't want that! marriage is important to me, and not to fulfil some fantasy where i star as bride, but because i want to make our private union public-- it's important for me to be in a legal relationship before having children...he says 'no' because he has never heard any of his married friends sing the pleasures of matrimony-- and he figures that getting divorced is messy, hard, etc. etc. he says that living together in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship proves the bond because we choose to stay together, no legal bonds holding us together.

 

i disagree and say that dating is like leasing-- it feels like a choice month to month and it's always easy to separate...

 

It seems most of the current issues stem primarily from his not wanting to marry you.

 

Most of those who don't want to get married do so because it puts restrictions on them that may make it harder to leave the relationship. It's risk mitigation.

 

I think it's fair that you request him to marry you at some point. It shows commitment, and provides a separate social status for you both.

 

Is that kind of how you feel about it?

[warui]

hi all.

 

blind otter-- i appreciate your introducing me to 'retroactive jealousy'-- it did help to read other perspectives.

 

i honestly don't judge my partner (in the sense and definition of 'judge' as think i'm better than him, or super impose my morals or whatnot) but i really am having a hard time coming to terms with the 'why' even though he has plainly told me he looked for his worth in sexual encounters, and very little had to do with love. we have a healthy sexual relationship-- and he tells me that he still grapples with feelings of being 'dirty'-- we're open and honest about these feelings..it's the jealousy that i was having a hard time with, wondering if i was good enough or thinking about what i have and what those people had...

 

anyway, thanks for giving me a name for these feelings so that i can explore them in a more objective (and healthy way) even if it's just through google...

 

to the others that responded...yah. i guess i do have the biggest issue with reconciling my feelings of insecurity with playing the role of wife without actually being the wife. it does hurt.

 

he knows that eating junk food is bad for him and kills some people, he does it anyway...

 

i know, i know, bad analogy and marriage is so much more complicated, i know this. but i think my flippant analogy makes for a point...i'm newly 30 and while i don't hear the bong bong of my clock, i definitely know what i want, i have what i want, a loving relationship...the catch 22 is now that i have 'this' something i thought i might never have (come from a 'broken home') i want it 'all'...the family.

 

hmmmm....

 

thanks for weighing in.

[norajane]

Think about what marriage means to you, and consider whether you would be satisfied with a commitment ceremony in front of family and friends. If that's the part that is important and not necessarily the legal aspects of marriage, perhaps that would be a good compromise for you and your bf.

 

If the legal aspects are important to you as well, then maybe you can do what same-sex couples do and draw up legal documents for the things that matter such as power of attorney, wills, etc., and make sure when you purchase a home you have the right ownership provisions, etc. You won't get the same rights as are automatically granted with marriage, but you can get halfway there. Discuss these issues with your bf, such as what happens if you or he were direly ill in the hospital and you weren't allowed to see each other because you aren't family, or if you or he are incapacitated, how you would get access to bank accounts or make decisions on each other's behalf. He needs to understand that marriages grants rights and privileges as well as ties that bind.

[warui]

Think about what marriage means to you, and consider whether you would be satisfied with a commitment ceremony in front of family and friends. If that's the part that is important and not necessarily the legal aspects of marriage, perhaps that would be a good compromise for you and your bf.

 

If the legal aspects are important to you as well, then maybe you can do what same-sex couples do and draw up legal documents for the things that matter such as power of attorney, wills, etc., and make sure when you purchase a home you have the right ownership provisions, etc. You won't get the same rights as are automatically granted with marriage, but you can get halfway there. Discuss these issues with your bf, such as what happens if you or he were direly ill in the hospital and you weren't allowed to see each other because you aren't family, or if you or he are incapacitated, how you would get access to bank accounts or make decisions on each other's behalf. He needs to understand that marriages grants rights and privileges as well as ties that bind.

 

exactly.

 

thanks. i said this to him, in not so many words-- i asked if it was the 'paper' he had a problem with or whatever. he had to have surgery and i was not granted admission to the waiting room until his mother showed up and threw a fit that i wasn't able to see him even though he was asking for me...

 

i told him that if we are 'married' in every aspect of the word, and the reason keeping us from being legally married is that he doesn't think it works and marriages end in divorce, then i think his reasoning is faulty and circular, as what are we doing??!

 

hmmmm.

 

i know that his past weighs on me too because there have been many and i still don't believe that i could be his last romance...

 

oscar wilde? a man wants to be a woman's first love, a woman wants to be a man's last romance? sum'thang like that?

[BentSpine]

I can't help you with his sexual past. I don't know how I would feel myself.

 

But I can share thought on the marriage thing, which I have thought long and hard upon.

 

In short, your feelings are the result of your right brain making a snap decision on many perceived 'true facts', or axioms. If you keep digging, keep asking why this & that would make you feel better, then you can discuss them with your dear partner.

 

My own axioms are:

 

1) Actions speak louder than words.

You say: " I do, forever.". I say: " Oh yeah?! Show me! ". In other words, it takes practically forever, or about 25 years, before one can take the promise at face level.

 

2) People simply don't have the capacity to accurately imagine situations they haven't experienced before.

Therefore people cannot accurately predict how they will react in an unknown situation and will not necessarily act as they promised to. E.g. if one partner ends up paralysed from an accident, will the other partner stay and live a sexless life? That's a difficult question that I think no one can truthfully answer before arriving in that situation.

 

3) Loyalty, that is, staying when it would be easier not to, doesn't exist before the difficult moment.

One is not commited because they utter promises to be loyal when times are good. Just like friendship, true friends are revealed in times of hardship.

 

4) People change with time.

Would you stay with a partner who starts beating you after the wedding? Remember you promised "forever" !

Many would now make an excuse in order to break their word. But just like a contract, I feel that those excuses must be explicit and known to the priest for him to be able to decide if he can act as the representative of God or not.

Now that I am aware of circumstances that I am not going to put up with, II cannot honestly promise to stay forever no matter what. Hence no vows for me that promises forever no matter what. And since according to axiom #2 I have a limited imagination, there are probably situations that would make me leave but which I have thought of before. So am not even going to try to make a list of situations when my word would not be valid anymore.

 

5) No one, except the people whom you cannot fool regarding your emotions, can tell how strong your relationship is.

No one can accurately judge that your non-married relationship is inferior because you two are partners and not formally husband & wife. No one knows how caring your partner acts for you inside your home, or how your partner has supported you in difficult times. Don't forget that abusive relationships can continue because on the surface, everything is seems alright.

 

 

Poor reasons to marry:

Now, since #5, people in general cannot tell if you & your partner have a strong relationship, all a wedding would tell people is that you to are conciously trying to be partners. But most likely the people that matter to you already know that you're in relationship with your parter.

 

One bad reason for marrying are, IMO, is to change how people outside of the relationship look at you two. E.g. people asking when are you going to get married, all the friends have married, wanting to be refered to as "wife/husband" as opposed to "bf/gf" by people outside the relationship.

Since they don't know the strength of your relationship, other people's advice on how to 'fix' the relationship doesn't matter.

 

Axioms #3 + #5 together implies that you simply cannot show friends that you are commited by going through the wedding ceremony.

 

Marrying because one wants to be the center of attention is also a poor reason. Instead, begin developing a performing art e.g. acting or music.

 

Marrying because one wants to wear nice clothes is not a great reason either. Instead, sew your own white dress for next New Year's Eve.

 

Decent reasons to marry:

You believe in an afterlife and believe that God will be more happy with you if you marry. Divorce will not be an option for you because "man cannot untie what God has united". Full Stop.

 

Legal reasons. Then go down to the city hall, with your two witnesses, to simply acknowledge that you two are partners, no promises of forever. Not very romantic, but very honest. I would say you get the Fairy Tale when you trust your partner and feel loved by your partner, regardless if you two have legal rights or not.

Edited February 21, 2008 by BentSpine

[ratzskinakie]

i'm a guy that doesn't want to get married until I am sure this is the girl i want to have children with, ready to have children (and i don't want to have children for a very very long time from today). marriage is extremely important institution for me that I just feel that marriage has become a joke in society where divorce rate is really high, i also don't want to be another part of that statistic. some guys will be extra cautious about getting married (they really really want to make sure their marriege will work based on the relationship they are currently having) because they just see around them people getting married and then divorced like ants on candy... not saying your man thinks this way, but suggesting a possible possibility of something along those lines.