Does the distance really matter?

[caesar_d]

Valentine's Day just brings out the best in everyone. Some background info first. I live in L.A., and met my girlfriend 4 months ago while traveling for work in San Francisco. We hit it off and started a long distance relationship. She's 21 and still in school and I'm 30 and working. She was able to visit 1-2 times a month for a week at a time, and I'd be there for a few days the other weeks. The first 3 months were amazing and we both agreed we never felt such an intense connection as we had. Hours and hours on the phone getting to know each other were spent when we weren't together, and the times together were even more intense. Last I saw her was middle of January after she came for 2 weeks for Christmas. Bombshell #1: She went to visit girlfriends one weekend and suddenly decided that she was going to move in with them. Obviously having fun, she didn't get too many chances to talk as much as we had. She'll be even further away from me. Bombshell #2: A family member is ill and she flew out to the East Coast with her mother to support. She says she'll be out there for the month of February and maybe March. Throughout our time together, my feelings became stronger and I entertained the thought of moving to be closer to her. I choose the day after Valentine's Day to gauge where we're at. Turns out she's been thinking about it too. She's still attracted to me, but thinks we were meant to be with other people. There are differences in our personalities(ex: she's a Republican, I'm a Democrat) that she would not want either of us to compromise on and doesn't believe people should change themselves for a mate. The points she made about our differences show immaturity where little things seem to matter, but in the long run do not. On top of it, she says she believes she and her ex were meant to be(even though he's now married). This is a guy she dated(and was going to marry) when she was 15-19 and said she is still not over him. She said there's absolutely no other guy, "it's not you, it's me", wants us to be friends and still talk on the phone as we normally do because we do click so well. Is there any point in trying to convince her otherwise? We had such an intense beginning and depth of feelings. Depth that she claims she thought was there in the moment, but now after thinking about it, was not there. Is this just her being scared that we really can achieve a real meaningful relationship? I know she's only 21 and idealistic, but I really feel we have something that others would be envious of and I looked so hard to find. The distance created an amazing friendship and understanding that made our physical attraction even that much more intense. But is there such thing as the proximity matters? As quickly as I found it, it's quickly trying to go away. I know we have a bunch of obstacles in the way, like her age, the distance, her ex, but I feel we can over-come them together. Am I being idealistic too?

[TMichaels]

She's still attracted to me, but thinks we were meant to be with other people... On top of it, she says she believes she and her ex were meant to be(even though he's now married). This is a guy she dated(and was going to marry) when she was 15-19 and said she is still not over him....

 

She said there's absolutely no other guy, "it's not you, it's me", wants us to be friends and still talk on the phone as we normally do because we do click so well. Is there any point in trying to convince her otherwise?

 

Nope.

 

We had such an intense beginning and depth of feelings. Depth that she claims she thought was there in the moment, but now after thinking about it, was not there. Is this just her being scared that we really can achieve a real meaningful relationship?

 

Nope.

 

I know she's only 21 and idealistic, but I really feel we have something that others would be envious of and I looked so hard to find. The distance created an amazing friendship and understanding that made our physical attraction even that much more intense. But is there such thing as the proximity matters?

 

Yep.

 

As quickly as I found it, it's quickly trying to go away. I know we have a bunch of obstacles in the way, like her age, the distance, her ex, but I feel we can over-come them together. Am I being idealistic too?

 

Yep.

 

I know you had some marvelous times, and it's human nature to want more of the same, but she's not "in the same place" as you are (literally and figureatively) right now, and probably won't be for several years.

 

You said itself in your own post. She's young, idealistic, immature and not at all certain what she wants in her life -- and to her credit, she's been truthful in her words and deeds even if you don't want to hear or see it.

 

As far as the continuing to stay in touch, talk for hours as before, yet just be friends bit?

 

In my experience, that often doesn't work out too well. One half of the equation may think it's just dandy, but the other is always wishing things were different, holding out hope that someday they will be, then is totally crushed when "their best friend" calls to say they wanted him/her to be the first one to know he/she's getting married -- to someone else.

 

So, my advice would be to thank her for being so honest and wish her well. Then, get out there and find someone else even more spectacular who deserves a caring, sweet guy like yourself -- who next Valentine's Day will truly appreciate all you have to offer and is worthy of your love and affection.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[caesar_d]

Being at different stages in life is really the key here, regardless of her past relationship. At first it was something that I thought I could grow with her while she got older, but based on your response, it isn't worth risking? I really fell for this girl and at the same time, I had these reservations due to her age and immaturity. Since our relationship has been mainly a long distance one, she and I have been accustomed to talking/texting every day. As difficult as it would be, should I just start ignoring her?? Like I said, I fell pretty quick for this girl.

[TMichaels]

Being at different stages in life is really the key here, regardless of her past relationship. At first it was something that I thought I could grow with her while she got older, but based on your response, it isn't worth risking? I really fell for this girl and at the same time, I had these reservations due to her age and immaturity.

 

Uhhh... I thought I was pretty clear in my response. Not sure how you construed from what I wrote that continuing to pursue a relationship with her was a good thing, worth risking?

 

Since our relationship has been mainly a long distance one, she and I have been accustomed to talking/texting every day. As difficult as it would be, should I just start ignoring her??

 

Ummm... Yep. That's what I would do, unless you want to hang around for her to tell you one day how thrilled she is about the new guy she's head over heels in love with and can't understand why you aren't happy for her -- being her best friend, and all...

 

Like I said, I fell pretty quick for this girl.

 

Makes no difference how fast you fell. What matters is whether it's worth your time. She's told you she thought she was interested, but upon further reflection isn't, and has other priorities which don't include you, except as a friend. Which part of that isn't clear to you?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. I noticed you posted the same inquiry on several other forums on this site. The advice you got from others pretty much echos my response. You can keep asking, hoping that someone along the line will agree with you and give you the answer you want to hear, but if I were you, I'd give some thought to the fact that almost without exception, others that are not invested in the relationship like you are, are telling you it would be in your best interest to move on.

Edited February 19, 2008 by TMichaels

[caesar_d]

Thanks for slapping me around...the wound is still fresh since this all went down on Friday, and I had all weekend to mull, mope, and lose sleep over. All the while she was still communicating with me, which makes things tough to keep perspective. There are so many variables going on, age, distance, ex, that I want to get as many opinions as possible. Not necessarily to find someone with an answer I want to hear, but as you said, opinions from those not invested as I.

 

Again, thanks for being blunt and honest. I'm old enough to know that time heals all wounds and I'll eventually get over her, but the optimist in me wants to see any glimmer of hope, which there doesn't seem to be.

[HisLove]

caesar, I think IF there is any hope of this still working out, it will require you to pull away from her. Create some distance, don't fawn over her or chase her or try to convince her to love you. Leave her be. You'll get your answer either way.

[caesar_d]

That's good advice. Perhaps in this case, our physical distance apart will be a good thing. As I mentioned, within 4 months, I think I got too emotionally invested(like a young kid) too soon and got caught wearing my heart on my sleeve. I must admit, it's tough ignoring her attempts at communicating.

[HisLove]

caesar, don't berate yourself for loving somebody with everything you had.

 

Lots of times, the heart wants what it can't have. ;) So make it that for now she can't have you. Throw yourself back into your life. Whether she changes her mind or not doesn't matter, you're involved with your own life and career anyway.

[caesar_d]

Lots of times, the heart wants what it can't have. ;) So make it that for now she can't have you. Throw yourself back into your life. Whether she changes her mind or not doesn't matter, you're involved with your own life and career anyway.

 

I'm back into life, yet she's been texting every day which I've been ignoring. Til today, she texted, "Am I getting the silent treatment now?" I responded with a polite "sorry, no" and that I was busy with work. I feel like a school kid acting this way, but should I even play that game, or just tell her to stop texting/calling me?

[TMichaels]

I'm back into life, yet she's been texting every day which I've been ignoring. Til today, she texted, "Am I getting the silent treatment now?" I responded with a polite "sorry, no" and that I was busy with work. I feel like a school kid acting this way, but should I even play that game, or just tell her to stop texting/calling me?

 

 

Well, why not tell her what she told you?

 

Namely, "She thought she was interested in you as a b/f, but upon further reflection isn't, and has other priorities which don't include you, except as a friend" -- which is not what you want out of the relationship, so you're moving on.

 

Simple. Honest. And, you don't have to play any games.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Space Marine]

I'm going through a similar situation, and having learned from the past, I know full well that obsessing and answering her every phone call or IM is not going to sooth the issue, it's only going to draw me back in. Though in my case, I am still her first choice and will be for as long as it takes for her to see that a RL relationship is what she needs, not this phone/IM ****, maybe it's for the best and I'm trying to look at it that way. I've been sleeping almost all day every day since I stopped talking to her cold turkey earlier this week, and though she's tried to get ahold of me (once), I didn't call back. What can I really do? Nothing. I'll just hope that we both find happiness, and if we don't, I'll just bitch about it a lot and drive my friends crazy. Woot.

 

Seriously though, these things can work out fine, but there are so many factors that determine success in LDR's. The biggest problem that held us back was not lack of love, far from it, but rather lack of funds, and uncertainty. Like your girl, she is quite a bit younger than I am, and I fully realize that now is the time in her life when she's going to want to be with people, and I feel that I am holding her back. "If you love something, let it go.. and if it comes back, chain it to the kitchen sink and yell "STAY!"..

 

Sorry, I couldn't remember the exact phrase. Good luck, but never, ever have too many expectations. If you catch yourself having them, cork yourself or something.

[HisLove]

Lol @ Space Marine

 

I think my saying goes...."If you love something, set it free....if it doesn't come back, go and hunt it down."

[TMichaels]

"If you love something, let it go.. and if it comes back, chain it to the kitchen sink and yell "STAY!"..

 

 

I think my saying goes...."If you love something, set it free....if it doesn't come back, go and hunt it down."

 

Actually, the original quote by Richard Bach, author of Jonathon Livingston Seagull, published in the '70s, was: “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”

 

But, I kinda like your two versions better!

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited February 24, 2008 by TMichaels

[caesar_d]

I'm going through a similar situation, and having learned from the past, I know full well

 

Sounds like you've been there done that. If you don't mind me asking, what's the age difference between your girl and you? At this point, I'm just doing a post-game analysis on myself to prevent myself from repeating history. I was way too optimistic to hope that a girl in her early 20's and I could grow together.

 

I am still her first choice and will be for as long as it takes for her to see that a RL relationship is what she needs, not this phone/IM ****,

 

What's your situation? We had no problem with funds, so seeing each other was easy. Did she break it off because she didn't want to be in a relationship while 'finding herself'?

 

I've been sleeping almost all day every day since I stopped talking to her cold turkey earlier this week, and though she's tried to get ahold of me (once), I didn't call back. What can I really do? Nothing.

 

Yep. As each day goes by, I'm having a better time at it not returning her calls/texts. Have you resorted to No Contact, or are you short with replies? As I've mentioned in other posts, I really loved our talks. Shame on me for bringing this up, but we REALLY clicked. It was super-obvious to anyone, who saw us interact. That's probably the worst of this all. I've always believed that a great relationship needs a great friendship as a backbone, and we got that quick. OK, I'm moving on. Sorry for the digression.

[Space Marine]

Well as it turns out, I've been pretty down in the dumps the past week or so, though many of my posts in other forums wouldn't suggest it (I'm good at hiding the pain, I guess you could say). The specifics of our relationship is that we were together for a year and she could no longer "take" the distance between us. She wanted us both to meet people in our areas, and I agreed that maybe that was a good idea. Some time has passed between then and now, and in that time we sort of got back together, unofficially, but I knew the day would come when she found someone, since she's a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have her.

 

Well that day has come. She's now in a relationship, and I'm still struggling through the shock, so to speak. She feels terrible about having to "abandon" me after I "helped her grow so much" (her words, not mine), but her life is very stressful and she needs someone there. Since I'm not there, I can only do my best to stay sane and let her go.

 

(I have not been so lucky. I can't seem to meet anyone online or off)

 

She's turning 21 on the 28th, and I turned 30 in January.

 

Anyway, we are still friends, but a lot of pieces of what made the friendship so good are presently lost somewhere under the table and may never be added back to the whole. I'm hoping that I can make it through this and maybe one day we'll have the means to meet and maybe start over again, or at the very least, become great friends again like my girlfriend before her and I have become.

 

Ah well. That's my story. I don't even know if it answered all of your questions, but I don't like starting new threads just to whine about my life, so forgive me for blurting out TMI.

[caesar_d]

Some time has passed between then and now, and in that time we sort of got back together, unofficially

So, you two kept in touch and still talked after the 'breakup'?? How did that work? Based upon everyone's response, NC is the way to go to heal, and a side-effect of that is to see if she wants to get back together.

 

Well that day has come. She's now in a relationship, and I'm still struggling through the shock, so to speak.

This is what I am so a) afraid of and b) trying to avoid. I do NOT want to hear about her new man, ex, whomever that she has in her romantic life. Did you try the no contact thing? I KNOW it is tough.

 

She's turning 21 on the 28th, and I turned 30 in January.

Everyone on the board gave a resounding opinion of 21 being immature, still exploring life, creating herself, etc. which I totally understand. Perhaps you and I are immature for our age, and feel we can connect with these younger girls? Or, is it as someone else said, that you/I engage in these relationships because we like the "control"? Have you analyzed it to that level?

 

Anyway, we are still friends, but a lot of pieces of what made the friendship so good are presently lost somewhere under the table and may never be added back to the whole. I'm hoping that I can make it through this and maybe one day we'll have the means to meet and maybe start over again, or at the very least, become great friends again like my girlfriend before her and I have become.

It seems like you've done the whole "friends with ex-girlfriends" routine. Did you ever try to win them back? Do they ever bring up the romantic relationship? I think it'd be very hard to draw the line and switch to friends-mode so easily. There would be a part of me which would try and re-kindle the romance. I'm glad that someone here can relate to what I'm going through. Thanks so much for replying.

[Space Marine]

So, you two kept in touch and still talked after the 'breakup'?? How did that work? Based upon everyone's response, NC is the way to go to heal, and a side-effect of that is to see if she wants to get back together.

 

Well when we officially broke up, I was devastated. Being the dependent person I am at times, when she confided in me that she had been seeing another guy (who very quickly turned out to be a disappointment and never even reached boyfriend status), I flipped out a bit. She felt very disconnected from RL relationships because no one seemed to notice her, and so she accepted me back as a, well, long distance lover. She made it clear that we were still not officially back together. I understood this, but it's been several months since then and we grow close again. Now that she has a real "boyfriend", I am having a rough time. But this time, I controlled myself and didn't flip out, but rather I've stopped talking to her for the most part. I probably said so in my last post, but it's partially because it hurts, and partially because I don't want to make her feel guilty or sad.

 

I hope that answers your question. I just don't know what to do at the moment, and her birthday is tomorrow. If I don't talk to her, she'll think I don't care. If I do, I don't know what to say besides Happy Birthday. I feel like I'm not really that important now, so why would it matter, but I know that's not true.

 

This is what I am so a) afraid of and b) trying to avoid. I do NOT want to hear about her new man, ex, whomever that she has in her romantic life. Did you try the no contact thing? I KNOW it is tough.

 

It's very rough hearing about the new guy/girl in your recent-ex's life. I don't think a lot of people would disagree. It tears at the heart something fierce. But I am going to try to maintain at least a civil relationship with her once in a while on messenger or email and do my best not to get emotional. Even that probably isn't a great idea, but how do you quit talking to your best friend and more so cold turkey?

 

Everyone on the board gave a resounding opinion of 21 being immature, still exploring life, creating herself, etc. which I totally understand. Perhaps you and I are immature for our age, and feel we can connect with these younger girls? Or, is it as someone else said, that you/I engage in these relationships because we like the "control"? Have you analyzed it to that level?

 

I honestly don't think it was the control theory, and yes I've analyzed it. In fact, I agree that it probably was the fact that I'm not as mature as the average guy my age. I don't care. I like my sense of humor. It doesn't mean that I can't be serious when I want to be, and being 30, I understand that when I was her age, I knew many girls that thought the same way she does. Besides all that, the most important thing is this: online, it's easy to fall in love with someone, regardless of societal pressure regarding age. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that age doesn't matter here. In the end though, I guess I didn't consider that though age didn't matter to her, she's still 21 and they simply want different things at that age, RL things.

 

It seems like you've done the whole "friends with ex-girlfriends" routine. Did you ever try to win them back? Do they ever bring up the romantic relationship? I think it'd be very hard to draw the line and switch to friends-mode so easily. There would be a part of me which would try and re-kindle the romance. I'm glad that someone here can relate to what I'm going through. Thanks so much for replying.

 

Shortly after a break-up, maybe I tried to win them back, but generally, no. Two of my ex's are strictly friends and I would not think about approaching them romantically. Not only would it probably confuse them, but I just realize that some people are better as friends. I will say one other thing though. My second most recent ex and I are good friends, but, when she and I stopped "dating", it was not because she had found someone else, but rather because she wanted to be alone. That was easier than my current situation, where I know some guy in real life is probably doing all of the things I wanted to do with her (my most recent ex). At least I know (or am fairly certain, being very trusting of my ex's ethics and all of the time she spent telling me this) that they're not doing anything sexual and won't for a long time. It's comforting, but it's not the reason I'm hanging in there. I just don't get why I can't meet someone as easily as she did and maybe get over this.

 

Ah well, I hope someone appreciates my (insightful?) rambling at least.

[caesar_d]

Now that she has a real "boyfriend", I am having a rough time. But this time, I controlled myself and didn't flip out

 

I guess that's why the suggestions of no contact by everyone are rampant. I must admit, it really does help. Once I found this forum, I stopped cold turkey, although I admit to giving into a 2 hour conversation about nothing early on. I have yet to tell her that I'm not interested in a friendship. She's been supposedly "busy with family stuff" on the East Coast.

 

I hope that answers your question. I just don't know what to do at the moment, and her birthday is tomorrow. If I don't talk to her, she'll think I don't care.

 

I think you play hardball and don't say anything. Try no contact and just meet people at the store, Starbucks, etc. When you meet people, you meet girls. It really is true.

 

It's very rough hearing about the new guy/girl in your recent-ex's life. ..... Even that probably isn't a great idea, but how do you quit talking to your best friend and more so cold turkey?

 

I've been distracting myself with other activities and close friends. Getting involved with other people's problems(like yours) Do you have a decent support group of friends? I know for sure that my (now)ex-gf does. It really does help.

 

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that age doesn't matter here. In the end though, I guess I didn't consider that though age didn't matter to her, she's still 21 and they simply want different things at that age, RL things.

 

Yes, they want different things for sure. I guess it boils down to their own self-confidence, self-worth, direction in life, desires, etc. I know my girl wants to conquer the world and has very high-reaching goals and dreams. I would never hold her back, but I always contended that we could be there for each other, as we achieved our other goals in life.

 

Shortly after a break-up, maybe I tried to win them back, but generally, no.

 

I think by falling into the 'friends zone' in the past, you kind of put yourself into this situation now, where it just hurts so much to hear about the things going on in her life. I for sure thought about trying to win her back, but after the feedback here and elsewhere, there is no such thing as reasoning to convince her to come back. I have to focus on myself, become an even more amazing person, and if she decides that I'm right for her, it'll be up for grabs at that time. I don't know how you maintain a friendship with your ex so soon after the breakup. I know it was painful for me to even read her texts.

 

Anyone else here have insight or have gone through something like this? I know a lot of women are on these boards. What can you share about the different people you were at 21 versus 25, 30. Perhaps we're anomolies here.

[Space Marine]

I wrote her a very touching email this afternoon, straight from the heart. I started out simply apologizing for something I'd misunderstood in the past few weeks that I discovered today I was wrong about, and I just kept writing, and by the end I was in tears. Not sobbing, that would take a lot for me since I don't it particularly easy to cry, but I know she's probably read it by now and there's a 99.9% chance that she cried a lot. I might say Happy Birthday to her later, I don't know, but the email was basically one last look at what we had and hopefully she understands what she's given up. I don't mean for that to sound arrogant at all, she agrees that we had something amazing, something she isn't sure will ever be reproduced by any other person in her life.

 

I guess it was a goodbye of sorts for the time being. Frankly, even though I've "stalked" her in the past (little things like checking her Myspace once in a while, etc.), I don't really want to know what's going on between them. It's none of my business anymore, and she's apparently moving on. I'm just going to try and concentrate on making friends and family happy and hope that it gives me some measure of peace until the day I find someone else or I can be with her and the feelings are still there then.

 

Again, thanks for listening.

[caesar_d]

I've been doing well with NC ever since taking people's advice here. Just yesterday, she called and left a voicemail. For Christmas, I gave her a set of really nice earrings(~$300) which at the time(obviously) our feelings were mutual and deserved. She wants to know if I now want them back and said she would understand if I did. I didn't respond yet. The heart-broken/angry side of me wants to take everything back from her, while the 'nice guy' side says to let her keep them since they were given as a token of my feelings. I'm torn. What's best for me and my sanity??

[TMichaels]

I've been doing well with NC ever since taking people's advice here. Just yesterday, she called and left a voicemail. For Christmas, I gave her a set of really nice earrings(~$300) which at the time(obviously) our feelings were mutual and deserved. She wants to know if I now want them back and said she would understand if I did. I didn't respond yet. The heart-broken/angry side of me wants to take everything back from her, while the 'nice guy' side says to let her keep them since they were given as a token of my feelings. I'm torn. What's best for me and my sanity??

 

Depends on the reason you made the gesture in the first place.

 

Were they truly a gift, or in your mind compensation for services rendered?

 

If she doesn't want to be reminded or remember who gave them to her, that's her problem. She can dispose of them easily enough.

 

If you want to be remembered for being petty or revengeful, then ask for them back. Then, put them up for sale on eBay. Unless you don't want to wear them yourself, of course...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[caesar_d]

It's been a while since I posted and have found some peace with the issue and new information! First off, I have not had any contact with her since the last post. The last conversation was her updating me on whatever she was doing and me being slightly detached. I think this was a good move, as she has since stopped calling and texting. Now, the new information....turns out that she wasn't moving to be with her girlfriends after all and still living in the same place! I broke the rule of complete no contact, and saw her myspace updates! AND, she hasn't been on the East Coast as she said, but doing whatever here on the West Coast!! LIES! I'm not sure how to interpret this. I know we started out apart as it was, and is this just her way of 'chickening out' and instead of breaking up in person, just to do it over the phone?? Scared that this was something real, but again, due to trust issues, figured it'd be the easiest(immature) way to deal with us?? I can't help but feel really really cheated here. Speaking of cheating, based on the profile, there is no other guy....I thought I was doing well, but now there are all these questions in my head!

[TMichaels]

Get over it and move on, caesar_d, she did, months ago.

 

Best,

TMichaels