libertybelle Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Hi everyone. I posted here awhile back. Long story short, my husband of 24 years became very moody, withdrawn, remote about 18 months ago. After a big blow up and marriage counseling, he told me that I had basically ignored him since the birth of our last child. Also, the lack of intimacy that we now have is because he has given up and does not care as much. When I pointed out that I had made mistakes true but things were not as bad as he made them he didn't listen because I caused his unhappiness. Well, we've been circling the wagons now so to speak. He is ok to get along with if no personal issues about our past are brought up. It's like living with a roommate. However, if I bring up our situation, he immediately has to "remind me" that I caused all our problems. I guess what bothers me worse is now I am getting very resentful. His perception of our marriage is off base, his inability to forgive and move on and his inability to accept any blame for what has happened. On top of that, there is a lack of physical intimacy as well. From 2-3 times a week to 2-3 times a month. If I bring that topic up, he again says he no longer is interested as much any more because of my actions for all those years. So if I avoid any conversation regarding our problems we get along ok. But this is all simmering below the surface. He knows the problem is his and he needs to get help but so far has not. While I have invested alot of time in this marriage and have two kids, I am beginning to seriously doubt his feelings for me. He steadfastly maintains he wants to stay but his anger and resentment and lack of forgiveness says otherwise. Now I don't know how much I can stand. I really don't want to give him an ultimatum or timetable on coming to terms with all this. But, on the other hand, how long can a person continue? By the way, we are both late 40s, and fit and healthy as far as I know. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 LB, have you asked your husband what he wants?? You are trying to repair things and he simply wants to continue to lay the blame at your feet. Does he want to repair the marriage?? Since he is so resentful and knows he has to deal with his issues, why isn't he doing so?? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but it seems as either he doesn't want to repair the marriage or he doesn't know how?? He's simply angry with no idea as to how to move forward. I don't think you can really repair this until you can find out what his needs and wants are. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 When I pointed out that I had made mistakes true but things were not as bad as he made them he didn't listen because I caused his unhappiness... His perception of our marriage is off base, his inability to forgive and move on and his inability to accept any blame for what has happened... If I bring that topic up, he again says he no longer is interested as much any more because of my actions for all those years... He knows the problem is his and he needs to get help but so far has not... He steadfastly maintains he wants to stay but his anger and resentment and lack of forgiveness says otherwise. It sounds to me like he is angry with you because you are not acknowledging his painful side of the story. You're both playing the blame-game, and it's not getting you anywhere. He needs to know that you are willing to see it from his point of view. Are you willing to do this? I don't think it's getting you anywhere to dismiss his perception of your M. Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) When I pointed out that I had made mistakes true but things were not as bad as he made them Seems to me like things to him are very much as bad as he thinks they are. It seems like you are not listening to what he is trying to tell you. Perhaps he isn't as articulate as you, or a quick thinker like you...(if you are these things, I'm just making an observation). There is nothing more frustrating than having your feelings and emotions minimised or explained away or to be told you're ridiculous or just not thinking right. Your husband obviously has legitimate concerns that are troubling HIM and I think it would be a good idea to let him verbalise these in his own way without being shot down. I have a mother who used to do that to me - discount what I felt and said because she didn't think it was valid or relevant. They were her thoughts, but she had NO RIGHT to tell me how I felt or why I should or shouldn't feel a certain way. Whether she agreed or not, my feelings were my own and legitimate to ME - as your husband's are to him. I can hear her saying to me...oh that's stupid...and these are the reasons (HERS!! NOT MINE) why it is stupid. Although I don't know you at all, and could have the wrong end of the stick altogether, it seems you need to sit down and be quiet and let your husband have his own thoughts and opinions on how he sees things - whether you agree or not with them - they are real to him and your marriage is going down the gurgler for trying to prove his feelings and thoughts wrong. Edited February 19, 2008 by HisLove Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 After a big blow up and marriage counseling, he told me that I had basically ignored him since the birth of our last child. I know it was a large factor in the end of my former marriage of 25 years. The ex began to ignore me after the birth of our next to last child and that continued through the bitrth of our last one as well. After awhile I just shut down. I told her many times that being put in second or third place was not my idea of an equitable, satisfying marriage but she always managed to twist it around and make it my fault. That was a huge factor in the ending of the marriage. I hope that's not what's been happening with you and your husband also. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I don't think it's getting you anywhere to dismiss his perception of your M. Isn't it funny how everyone that's replied picked up on the same thing? Here's what stood out to me: He knows the problem is his and he needs to get help but so far has not. Belle, if one person is that unhappy, then you BOTH have a problem. Your post does not convey much in the spirit of "let's work on this together", instead it says "you go get this fixed". Is that the message you want to send ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
rb45 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Wow, this is exactly the problem my wife and I have had, going on 4yrs now. I have repeated this to my wife so many times " you don't listen to what I say, you hear what you think I am saying" and there is a big differance. My wife has a problem saying thanks and I'm sorry. That is one of our major problems, I don't feel she is ever truly sorry because of the way I almost need to beg her to get a apology. Try to listen first and keep quiet. Maybe he just feels you don't love and respect him as a husband and head of the household? Link to post Share on other sites
Author libertybelle Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Hello friends: I am no sure how to cut and paste but I'll try to be a little more specific in regards to some of your comments. Yes, I have acknowledged my husband's side of the story, many times in fact. I told him I am sorry and that I would try to change. He was resentful of that and told me I was "hypocritical" to try to change. I asked him what he wanted and he has either said to return to how we used to be be or he doesn't know. When I asked him to be specific, he said that he is the problem, not me. Please understand that he also made his share of mistakes in our marriage. We went to marriage counseling and the counselor told us not to come back together because the problem is my husband. We cannot go to marriage counseling until he gets over his issues. From my point of view, he feels alot of anger, resentment and blame in the marriage and he feels it is all me. We cannot get past this until he forgives and moves on. We have a long history and two kids so I would like to work this out, but on the other hand if he feels that strongly we may not be able. too. Thanks for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
dominic Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Well, I don't know if it is the exact same situation, but my wife and I went trough a period of several months without too much intimacy; I basically shut myself down and now she is all sexy again but I just don't feel like before and basically try to avoid her... yeah, talk about being weird... Anyway, just my .02 Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I asked him what he wanted and he has either said to return to how we used to be be or he doesn't know. When I asked him to be specific, he said that he is the problem, not me. We cannot go to marriage counseling until he gets over his issues. From my point of view, he feels alot of anger, resentment and blame in the marriage and he feels it is all me. We cannot get past this until he forgives and moves on. LB, It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, but more importantly he doesn't know how to find the answers. Long term marriages are tough!! I've been there. Since life and each individual is dynamic, he may be feeling the proverbial "mid life crisis"; questioning what he has, what he wants and looking for an out to the marriage. If he was certain that he wanted to stay in the marriage he would stop living in the past as to who's to blame etc. and start planning the future of how to get past that and repair the relationship. Can you suggest therapy to him?? He needs a professional to help guide him through the process to emotional healing and growth because he's stuck. I wish I could be more positive, but until your H can get his own psyche and emotions back on track, you have very little control with respect to repairing your M. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 We went to marriage counseling and the counselor told us not to come back together because the problem is my husband. Did the counselor want him to come see her on his own? Or for both of you to see her separately? I can't imagine she didn't have recommendations about that. Also, what specifically did the counselor mean when she said the problem is your husband? Did she explain what his problem is? Link to post Share on other sites
Author libertybelle Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 The counselor suggested my husband should come back alone to work on his issues, anger and resentment for starters. As for anything more specific, I don't know. I suspect that there's many more layers to my husband's problem and the counselor may have to dig deep to find it. By the way, my husband has not gone back to counseling. I have asked him to go back several times but he is postponing it. The decision will have to be his I guess. I'm sure part of what he is feeling is midlife crisis, no doubt. Also, it may be that he no longer feels the same way about me or the marriage and may want out. But on the other hand he keeps saying he wants to stay. And there is a possibility that there may have been (or is) someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 And there is a possibility that there may have been (or is) someone else. Yes, that is a possibility. Another thought; has he been checked for clinical depression?? Link to post Share on other sites
justpassingthrough Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Another thought; has he been checked for clinical depression?? That's what I was wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author libertybelle Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 He has had a thorough physical, including heart cath and work up because of family history. Everything ok in that department. As for clinical depression, no. I suggested to him several times that he may be depressed and to talk to the doctor or counselor. He just shrugs it off and says that's not it, he can't get over his anger/resentment at me. By the way, this resentment has been going on for over 18 months now. Unfortunately, my resentment is becoming a by-product of all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 He has had a thorough physical, including heart cath and work up because of family history. Everything ok in that department. As for clinical depression, no. I suggested to him several times that he may be depressed and to talk to the doctor or counselor. He just shrugs it off and says that's not it, he can't get over his anger/resentment at me. By the way, this resentment has been going on for over 18 months now. Unfortunately, my resentment is becoming a by-product of all this. LB, since your H chooses to live in misery and denial, there's not much you can do for him. However, you need to focus on and look after yourself. Ultimately he will make whatever good or bad decision he feels is best for him and that's out of your control. Your well being, however is something you need to take hold of. You may want to seek out therapy for yourself to help you deal with all the crapola. I spent 2 years in therapy after a particularly bad marital break up and dealt with a lot of issues. It didn't stop the break up but it did bring me to a better place today. Also you develop some new interests or activities that get you out of the house so that you don't sit around while getting continually blamed by your H. Link to post Share on other sites
Oggie_23 Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I think on the lines of this... Life is to short for me to be unhappy. I would rather live my life alone, then with someone who treats me like crap or in your case, treats yyou like nothing at all. He seems to just be comfortable in your life style and living day to day. If he is unwilling to try, then you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
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