is this social phobia

[janie]

i got in a fight today with my boyfriend who is insisting that i am a social phobic and never mind all the time that i have gone with him to his family functions or the many concerts i went to on his behalf, or the things that i have done with him that i did only because he asked me to. so today i did not want to go to 4th july party to his friend house, so he tells me i need some help with my social phobia, cause i n ever want to go any where with him and do things with him that involve other people, i only want to do thing that is required to do alone with him. i tell him that i have done many thing with him, that i am not social phobic but i do not alway like to go out to do thing with hm, does that mke me social phobic, what is social phobic definition anyway?mhow come he can only call me this when i do not do what he want me to do with hm but when i do with him what he want then he is okay with me, but not when i do not do what he want then i am social phobic.

[HokeyReligions]

I can kind of understand what he means. Do you have any friends that you hang out with without him? Perhaps he feels that he is responsible for all of your happiness. That is a heavy burden.

 

If you have friends and outside interests it will help the relationship because it gives you more things to talk about and experience.

 

If you don't want to go somewhere, you don't have to, and if you go only for him that is not going to make him feel better. He may feel like he's dragging you out and that will put a big damper on him having any fun.

 

I went thru something similar when I was dating my husband. I had moved across country and left all my friends behind. Gradually over the years we lost touch and the only friends I had were his friends. I brought nothing new to the relationship and he felt the burden of being responsible for me having fun.

 

I would prefer to stay at home and he didn't understand that meant that I was happy to stay by myself and read or watch a movie that I knew he wasn't interested in. He felt like I was staying home and being lonly or brooding. We live so far out from the few friends I have made, that I don't see anyone after work or on the weekends, but he also understands that there are times I really do like to be alone and prefer him to go out with his friends and have some fun - I don't begrudge him that at all. We both realized that we have different needs socially. He would feel lonley and bored and like he was missing out on something if he stayed home and he thought I would feel the same way. We got it straightened out now. Maybe you just need to communicate more with your BF so that he knows it's not a social phobia, but a sincere preference to be alone, and know that you want him to go and have fun and come back and tell you about it. It's great to listen to someone you love talk about the fun they had - I enjoy and take great pleasure in knowing that my husband has really had fun. It makes me feel good too.

 

And now that he knows I enjoy my alone time, it makes him feel good and he has no guilt about it.

 

Now, if you expect him to stay with you and give up a party, then I can understand how oppressive that may feel for him, and I don't think it's fair to ask that on a regular basis. I do make the effort to go to parties or whatever with my husband even though its not my first choice, but I do it because I love him and I want to show him that being with him is more important sometimes and I do enjoy myself when we go out and I make sure he knows that so that he doesn't feel guilty about "dragging" me somewhere. But I know that he won't feel bad when I say no.

[janie]

i think you miss my point, my point is when i go out with him he is ok with that when i do not want to go out with him then i am a social phobic, as long as i do what he want then he is happy and i am not a social phobic if i say no, then i am a social phobic. we never go out seperatly cuz that would creats problems for us we alway go to bar together but first time is this for a party, and i do not like parties and i do not want him to go either, so he wont go, but still i am a social phobic cause i do not do what he wants. we are very close and alway do things together and never go to bar alone or party, he do not care about party really i know this but he makes his point that i am social phobic, just to make point.

[Clancy]

Social phobia has to do with fear. Are you afraid to go out and interact with people, especially people you don`t know? If people make you very nervous, to the point where you feel scared, or perhaps even sick then you might have some form of social phobia. People who have social phobia also often have trouble eating meals with other people around.

 

Do you feel very anxious about not being able to converse with others? These things MIGHT mean you suffer from social anxiety or social phobia but I think you would need to see a psychologist to be more certain.

 

 

If you just don`t like parties because of the noise, the drinking, the blah, blah, blah, the long hours, etc. then that`s not phobic. There`s nothing wrong with being a person who dislikes crowds and who prefers solitude. The real question is : are you bothered by the fact that you don`t like parties? If not then don`t worry about it. If it does bother you that you can`t enjoy yourself at public gatherings like parties then there are ways for you to learn to do better at these. You can practice using techniques you`ll learn from books or you can see a therapist. By the way it is very, very common for people to have anxieties concerning public events like parties. Good luck to you and your boyfriend.

[HokeyReligions]

I understood your point. But I stand by what I said.

 

It sounds like you are describing someone who insists on being in control and you enable that. Are you a social phobic? I don't know - are you?

 

You say you do everything together - that's fine when the relationship is new, but there comes a point when it's very healthy to do things apart too.

 

If he's berating you or controlling you with words that hurt and make you angry or depressed, then get out of the relationship now-that is not healthy and could lead to abuse.

[moimeme]

People call each other names for manipulative purposes. For some reason, if somebody claims to be 'Christian', no matter how bad that person's behaviour, people believe him to be 'Christian'. You have already said that you do go to parties, etc. That in itself makes you not a social phobic. Your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you by shaming you. Tell him to stop it or you'll dump him; it's unkind and unfair both to you and to people with genuine phobias.

[baby phat]

janie, i dont think u r social phobic from what u said. ur bf is just being a jackass and trying to say those things to u so u would want to prove him wrong by going to the party with him. i think its good that u stand ur ground. guys always have double standards..and sometimes...they have a pretty bad memory too. so its normal for them to forget the good things that u have done for him..such as goin out with him with other ppl or on his behalf...!! don't let what he said get to u....!! as long as u know u r sociable..then u r fine!! and if he brings up how u never do anything with him with his other friends..then just say that u wanna spend more alone time together. or maybe u do avoid situation like that bcuz he doesn't pay enough attention to u when he's with other ppl?! i dunno, just suggesting the possiblities.