XxBacktoBlackXx Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 (edited) Hi everyone. This weekend, I'm driving to see my BF after I get through with work. I get done late afternoon, so I should be there early evening (around suppertime) on Friday. We normally don't go out and do things. Generally, we spend time with each other at his house. But this weekend, we've made plans to play basketball and then go to a restaurant afterward, which we'll be doing on Saturday. I'm leaving on Sunday. On Myspace, his EX left him a comment saying she wanted to get together this weekend as she was gonna' be in town. I have a strong feeling that my BF is gonna' want us all to hang out. Honestly, I really don't wanna' do this. We've already made plans, which will take up most of Saturday and I won't be there until late Friday, so I don't see when we will be able to do this. Do you think it's wrong of me for not wanting to have this happen? Lately, we've been getting along a lot better. We've gotten into a "fight" about his relationship with one of his friends that is a girl but he explained it to me, and since then I haven't had a problem with that. This is not that girl, though. Partly the reason why I don't wanna' hang out with this chic is that, early in the relationship, he told me he had a dream where she asked him to be with her and he said "No. I have a girlfriend". In the dream, the good friend of his that I had bad feelings about (which we later cleared up) asked the same thing and again he said no. I was happy to hear that he refused their offers, but it makes me uncomfortable in a way that he told me this dream. Is that necessary for me to know, especially if you want me to be friends with these girls? I don't know. I never told him anything about it...this happened a bit of time ago. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm being really insecure. I love my boyfriend very much but before he started dating me, he told me that in a relationship, he never compromises his relationships with females. He meant that his relationships with girls are just as friends and that he thinks it's silly when people have to compromise that for a relationship. I'm not asking him to not be friends with this girl, but I do honestly feel a little weird about it. Is that wrong of me? I wonder why I feel this way. I know he's not cheating. She has a boyfriend, too. I know he will bring this up to me on the phone tonight and I don't know what to say. I really don't want to get into it about it. We rarely ever fight and we've both been doing so well lately, after our mini (VERY mini...one day) break. He loves me a lot and cares about me and vice versa. Edited February 19, 2008 by XxBacktoBlackXx
tanbark813 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I don't think it's wrong of you to not want to hang out with his ex. You don't even need to justify it with all the dream stuff. If he insists on hanging out with his ex this weekend then let him know you'll be bringing along an ex of yours. I'm guessing his bullshyt line about not wanting to "compromise his relationships" will change pretty quickly at that point.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Thanks for the comment. I guess I'm thinking that if I don't do this with him, he will just see her without me there which would kind of weird me out. He has done that before about a month ago but I didn't object to it. Now that I think about it, though, that is a bit weird even though nothing happened.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Does anyone else have any ideas? Thank you for your input.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Ay, I know I keep posting in my own thread. I'm just wondering if anyone has any ideas as to what I can say if he thinks I'm being ridiculous in regards to not wanting to hang out with his EX. I know he will think I'm being so silly.
StartingOver07 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Well, which is least problematic for you -- that he see her alone or that the two of you see her together? If you'd rather he see her alone, then just tell him you are hoping to have him to yourself this weekend and can he make plans with her some other time. Alternately, if you'd rather be part of the encounter, perhaps you could have breakfast with her on Sunday? That should be fairly short and not interfere with the plans you have with your BF. Or is the real issue that you want to ask him to cut off all contact?
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I don't want to ask him to cut off all contact. I just don't wanna' deal with it. I guess spending time with his EX isn't my idea of a good time.
StartingOver07 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I don't want to ask him to cut off all contact. I just don't wanna' deal with it. I guess spending time with his EX isn't my idea of a good time. Then suggest he see her some other time.
Replicant Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 If he respected your feelings on the matter, it seems like something he should be able to do without. Let alone come up with such a dumb compromise as inviting you to be with them.
Timberlane Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I don't want to ask him to cut off all contact. I just don't wanna' deal with it. I guess spending time with his EX isn't my idea of a good time. Bingo! I watched a friend of a friend mix company with her ex, her ex's new girlfriend, and her current boyfriend. It just was not all that fun an evening. As I recall, she mainly talked to her ex, leaving the new girlfriend sort of out of the conversation. I mainly talked to the new girlfriend that night, as her boyfriend was too involved with his ex. Pain in the ass all around.
sally4sara Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Bingo! I watched a friend of a friend mix company with her ex, her ex's new girlfriend, and her current boyfriend. It just was not all that fun an evening. As I recall, she mainly talked to her ex, leaving the new girlfriend sort of out of the conversation. I mainly talked to the new girlfriend that night, as her boyfriend was too involved with his ex. Pain in the ass all around. This could happen, especially if the OP goes anyway simply because she fears him being alone with the EX. If that ends up being the only reason she goes, she will go into it with a withdrawn and tense attitude. The EX will pick up on it and not want to talk to her much. It will be like he went to have coffee with her and brought a chaperone along instead of a GF. But if she goes hoping to make a new friend and the EX still acts that way, she will have a leg to stand on when discussing the issue with her BF in the future. OP stop expecting everyone to live their lives around your comfort levels. Stop expecting every situation concerning other females to be the end of your relationship. If you really can't handle these things, find a BF that lives the same standard you do.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 I'm not expecting everyone to live life around my comfort levels...thanks for the comment, though. I'm glad that you know so much about me. Actually, I've made a lot of sacrifices in regards to my comfort level and I've let a lot of things go. The fact of the matter is, I don't think I would enjoy spending an evening with one of his EXes. I don't see how that is expecting anyone to live life around my personal comfort. And the issues that I've had in the past (IE: My BF telling me on different occassions that he would cheat on me with all of these different celebrities as well as him having a picture of a different girl in the background of his phone for a long time) all have been cleared up and I never blew up on him nor asked him to change his phone. I just asked about his friendship with that girl, and once he told me about it, I was fine with it. I just like to know what's going on. He expects me to live around his comfort level as well in that I'm going off depressive medication because I know he doesn't like that at all and I promised him I would never drink again. I don't feel as if I have demanded too much from him.
Florida Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I think sally4 meant that you and your BF have really different ideas of what is appropriate, and it will always be a source of problems. Back2, now is a good time to start practicing going with your gut feelings and sticking to it. It makes you sick to go, right? Just tell him you don't feel like it. Explain why. Now does this mean he will go without you? If he does, I really suggest you go hang with an ex too. Ideally, he should just tell her you guys can't make it, and not go. If he knew which side his bread was buttered on, he would. Don't go to be his chaperone.
sally4sara Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 I think sally4 meant that you and your BF have really different ideas of what is appropriate, and it will always be a source of problems. Back2, now is a good time to start practicing going with your gut feelings and sticking to it. It makes you sick to go, right? Just tell him you don't feel like it. Explain why. Now does this mean he will go without you? If he does, I really suggest you go hang with an ex too. Ideally, he should just tell her you guys can't make it, and not go. If he knew which side his bread was buttered on, he would. Don't go to be his chaperone. Thanks Florida, you nailed it in one. All I was saying is he isn't doing anything wrong in general. It is just wrong for you and its going to keep being wrong for you both if you stay together without one of you giving in. Giving in is okay about somethings, but if this is eating away at you and making you feel depressed, disrespected, anxiety-ridden or whatever then it isn't something that you can give in on and live happily with. While giving up being friends with your exes and not having many guy friends is okay for you, it might not be for your BF. It might make him depressed, disrespected, anxiety-ridden to live in a way that you could much easier be comfortable with. I don't think either of you are wrong on this subject, just perhaps wrong for each other.
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