nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 They've been separated for over three years. They are very friendly and amicable together. He knows his not divorcing her hurts me, but he still won't do it. He says he's working on it...on his time and does not want the pressure form me. They have two adult kids, and share business and property together. They are on great terms and have basically separted everything already. They just haven't filed yet. Should i be concerned? Am i a fool? Why is it so hard for him to move on from her? He swears he doesn't want to BE with her again. How do i handle this?
PinkRibbon Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 To be with a married man who has not in 3 YEARS divorced his wife is being a fool in my book. You are with someon who has no real intentions of committing to you. If he had he would be divorced by now and as you stated he is in no rush. Move on away from him.
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 How can I just walk away from him when I really dont want to? I know divorce is difficult. I know it may take time for him to come around. I'm just trying to be an understandning girlfriend and give him the time he needs. I'm not in any hurry to marry him, but i do want to be the only woman. I'm not ready to leave.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 He probably doesn't want to deal with the legal and monetary costs of divorce and perhaps he just doesn't see any point in divorcing if it isn't affecting the relationship he has with you (meaning that it has no negative impact on him). I would think if he were interested in marrying you, it might make a difference but perhaps being technically married gives him an excuse to not have to worry about having to make that commitment to someone else right now.
PinkRibbon Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Divorce may be difficult but you admitted that they have already split everything and they are on very good terms with each other. What can be so difficult? "Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free." a statement my grandmother LOVED. And right now you are pretty free because you are not asking him to divorce his wife.
lovelorcet Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 They have two adult kids, and share business and property together. They are on great terms and have basically separted everything already. They just haven't filed yet. How is everything else in your relationship? I can kind of understand this. He has everything more or less balanced out with the Ex but if he puts too much pressure to divorce he could risk issues coming up. Maybe he just doesn't want to rock the boat.
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Being separated for over three years is a long time. I could see if he just broke up from a long term marriage and you were the first person he dated afterward. This is just an assumption I guess, but maybe you are his 'transition" woman. Meaning he'll be with you because he has no other options right now, but he is open to them if they come along. The only way to change that is by refusing to make him your priority when you are only an option to him. I would keep my distance from him and not bet on anything right now.
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Divorce may be difficult but you admitted that they have already split everything and they are on very good terms with each other. What can be so difficult? "Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free." a statement my grandmother LOVED. And right now you are pretty free because you are not asking him to divorce his wife. Oh, i have asked him plenty of times. We usually wind up arguing about it. He tells me he knows he just has to do it. But that it isn't his priority right now. Then a few weeks goes by, and i bring it up again. Then we argue and the same thing happens again. I'm tired of asking him and creating arguments. He'll do it when he feels the time is right. But just how long do i wait?
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 How is everything else in your relationship? I can kind of understand this. He has everything more or less balanced out with the Ex but if he puts too much pressure to divorce he could risk issues coming up. Maybe he just doesn't want to rock the boat. Everything else is pretty good. We mainly argue about this issue, and the fact that sexually, i'm beginning to distance myself. The reason for that is (i think) because he wont divorce her and I just dont feel he takes me/us that seriously. If I never mentioned him getting a divorce, we'd be the happiest couple. We are loving and affectionate. We love to do the same things, we are at ease with each other, laugh a lot, listen to each other... there are some issues, as in any realtionship, but nothing that I can see ending it for. (except maybe this). I don't want to end it. It makes me feel incredibly loney and insecure when I even try on the idea of leaving, or having him leave me. Ugh, I get so sick just thinking about NOT having him in my life.
lovelorcet Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Everything else is pretty good. We mainly argue about this issue, and the fact that sexually, i'm beginning to distance myself. The reason for that is (i think) because he wont divorce her and I just dont feel he takes me/us that seriously. If I never mentioned him getting a divorce, we'd be the happiest couple. We are loving and affectionate. We love to do the same things, we are at ease with each other, laugh a lot, listen to each other... there are some issues, as in any realtionship, but nothing that I can see ending it for. (except maybe this). I don't want to end it. It makes me feel incredibly loney and insecure when I even try on the idea of leaving, or having him leave me. Ugh, I get so sick just thinking about NOT having him in my life. How long have you been with him?
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 How long have you been with him? Just over three years
lovelorcet Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Just over three years Want to explain that a bit more maybe? Were you his OW? How long was he on his own before you met him?
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Cairo....I can understand why you feel like this at this point. I don't think you are unreasonable at all for being upset.I would be too. Question? Were you the first person he dated after seperating? I ask because I think it is an important reason. Do you feel like a transition woman and like he is biding his time with you? If you do...then you have a right to want to know if your relationship is ever going to go anywhere. Three years is no drop in the bucket.
Lizzie60 Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 This guy is separated not married.. lol.. he is free to date whoever he wants.. IMO I think this is not your first thread on this same issue.. I have never been married.. so I really don't see what the big deal is.. You're happy with him.. he loves you.. I know he will not go back to her.. don't worry but he is being civil.. they have kids together.. their work... what are you so scared of?... He won't leave you for her.. My advice: stop worrying about his divorce and enjoy your time with him... DO NOT pressure him.. he might eventually get tired of it and leave you if you nag him about this... He probably has good reasons not to... has he said anything about his reasons?
sedgwick Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 I was separated for two years before we actually divorced. Part of the reason was that we never stopped being best friends. However, once I met someone else, we went through with the proceedings. I think it's really just a matter of courtesy to you at this point. I can understand how you feel, and I think you need to tell him straight up what this is doing to you. Are you, by chance, a Middle Eastern dancer, like me?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Cairo, just understand that his divorce is HIS. Not yours. It is between him and his wife. I am in the same boat as your sMM in that I am separated three years, and haven't divorced yet even though both exH and I have had other people in our lives since the separation. Like your sMM, exH and I are living separately but amicably with no plans for an immediate divorce. We will divorce on our own time and without any outside interference. I doubt your sMM has any plans to get back with his W any more than exH and I have plans to get back together. It isn't that he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you, its just that he would rather divorce on his own timeline, and to have it be between him and his wife privately. It could be that he is comfortable having those last vestiges of 'family' in his life, and isn't ready to let them go. I can definitely relate. When it is time to buy property, or merge finances, or talk about marriage then a divorce will be absolutely necessary first. The last thing you want to do is make all of these investments before he divorces, only to lose the half that his exW is entitled to after the divorce. It could be a safety net for him - he just isn't done with his old life yet, and isn't ready to start over brand new. Perhaps in time he will.
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Want to explain that a bit more maybe? Were you his OW? How long was he on his own before you met him? yes, i was the OW. We had an affair. He ended it with me to try and figure it out with her. After a few months, he came back to me. He moved out. He took even more time off to collect his thoughts and again, came back to be with me. We've been together ever since. We have a long distance relationship, but manage to see each other every week for atleast 3 days. We talk on the phone morning and night.
lovelorcet Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 yes, i was the OW. We had an affair. He ended it with me to try and figure it out with her. After a few months, he came back to me. He moved out. He took even more time off to collect his thoughts and again, came back to be with me. We've been together ever since. We have a long distance relationship, but manage to see each other every week for atleast 3 days. We talk on the phone morning and night. Now that puts a VERY different light on this story doesn't it? You were already the OW so he knows that you will put up with this. If he decides to divorce he will do it when he is good and ready.
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Cairo, just understand that his divorce is HIS. Not yours. It is between him and his wife. I am in the same boat as your sMM in that I am separated three years, and haven't divorced yet even though both exH and I have had other people in our lives since the separation. Like your sMM, exH and I are living separately but amicably with no plans for an immediate divorce. We will divorce on our own time and without any outside interference. I doubt your sMM has any plans to get back with his W any more than exH and I have plans to get back together. It isn't that he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you, its just that he would rather divorce on his own timeline, and to have it be between him and his wife privately. It could be that he is comfortable having those last vestiges of 'family' in his life, and isn't ready to let them go. I can definitely relate. When it is time to buy property, or merge finances, or talk about marriage then a divorce will be absolutely necessary first. The last thing you want to do is make all of these investments before he divorces, only to lose the half that his exW is entitled to after the divorce. It could be a safety net for him - he just isn't done with his old life yet, and isn't ready to start over brand new. Perhaps in time he will. Thank you for these words. Its always nice to know the other point of view. Does it bother any of the people either of you are seeing? I've been with him three years! I can't help that it DOES bother me. I dont want to pressure him. But the issue somes up over and over because I'm hurt by it. I just want to feel like I'm his woman. I'm feeling like the more time he takes to do this, the more resentment I have. He tells me he feels that I have been pulling back sexually, and I think because I am so hurt by his hesitance to divorce. It makes me feel weird! Like, why do I not motivate him to divorce her? Doesn't he want to move on already?
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I was separated for two years before we actually divorced. Part of the reason was that we never stopped being best friends. However, once I met someone else, we went through with the proceedings. I think it's really just a matter of courtesy to you at this point. I can understand how you feel, and I think you need to tell him straight up what this is doing to you. Are you, by chance, a Middle Eastern dancer, like me? i have told him what this is doing to me. He definately knows and understands my anger and frustration. I think i just need to lay off. Since we're not talking marriage, maybe I just shouldn't worry. And yes, I am a middle eastern dancer (i haven't danced in a while, but i love it!)
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Now that puts a VERY different light on this story doesn't it? You were already the OW so he knows that you will put up with this. If he decides to divorce he will do it when he is good and ready. Should I give him an ultimatum?
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Cairo, you said you were his OW while he was still married, and I would never judge you for that.The thing is....you have trained him that you are willing to wait. Now he thinks things are supposed to be done on HIS terms. It's not fair, but it is the mindset of a MM who has a woman on the side. Also maybe he is dragging his feet because he feels guilty for leaving his W.it is a possibility. As for the ultimatum.....just do it of you are willing to stick to it if he doesn't budge. Easier said than done.
OldEurope Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Don't do this. Do not become the dramatic shrew. And most women do not stick to "ultimatums" in any case. But most can do an NC. This is what you should do, without even announcing it. Just go. If he writes or calls you can respond once and once only (best as a text or leaving behind a message so you are not "weakened" talking to him), and tell him that you have said everything and now you will not see him until he is divorced. His respect and possibly his love for you will skyrocket...If it is all real. NC tests that well. He has to be scared into thinking he will lose you for him to come running after you. Stop playing "weak". You might want and need him but you certainly do not want and need this kind of situation. It will wear you down. Cairo, just disappear. You will only get results this way. xo OE
lovelorcet Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Should I give him an ultimatum?# What do you want? What makes you happy? How will an ultimatum affect or change this?
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Don't do this. Do not become the dramatic shrew. And most women do not stick to "ultimatums" in any case. But most can do an NC. This is what you should do, without even announcing it. Just go. If he writes or calls you can respond once and once only (best as a text or leaving behind a message so you are not "weakened" talking to him), and tell him that you have said everything and now you will not see him until he is divorced. His respect and possibly his love for you will skyrocket...If it is all real. NC tests that well. He has to be scared into thinking he will lose you for him to come running after you. Stop playing "weak". You might want and need him but you certainly do not want and need this kind of situation. It will wear you down. Cairo, just disappear. You will only get results this way. xo OE I love this idea, but do not feel I have the strength to do it. i am TERRIBLE when it comes to breaking up. NC will take everything out of me. The truth is, i am weak and needy. I'm also afrad he wont react the way I hope. He never chases...EVER. i feel so sick right now....like I know my relationship is over and i just cannot handle that. I am not in a good place. I've been crying all day and even took the day off from work. We are 29 years apart in age too. When the going gets rough in our relationship, he comes up with SO MANY reasons why we are doomed. I'll leave him for someone younger, I'll fall out of love with him the older he gets, we have no common goals, etc....this is why i'm not sure NC would work. Am i just a total loser? Why on earth did i fall in love with someone 29 years older than me, who was married?? My eyes are so puffed from crying. I love him and don't want to see him go.
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