LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I love this idea, but do not feel I have the strength to do it. i am TERRIBLE when it comes to breaking up. NC will take everything out of me. The truth is, i am weak and needy. I'm also afrad he wont react the way I hope. He never chases...EVER. i feel so sick right now....like I know my relationship is over and i just cannot handle that. I am not in a good place. I've been crying all day and even took the day off from work. We are 29 years apart in age too. When the going gets rough in our relationship, he comes up with SO MANY reasons why we are doomed. I'll leave him for someone younger, I'll fall out of love with him the older he gets, we have no common goals, etc....this is why i'm not sure NC would work. Am i just a total loser? Why on earth did i fall in love with someone 29 years older than me, who was married?? My eyes are so puffed from crying. I love him and don't want to see him go. Cairo, don't beat yourself up. I am terrible at NC too...because it goes against what I WANT in my heart. Who wants to not talk to the person they so much want to be with more than anything?? It defies logic, but like the other poster said an ultimatum likely won't work. NC is one of the only ways you CAN gain any type of control over YOURSELF. No it might not change HIS mind...but are you happier with the alternative of arguing constantly about his status and feeling insecure? Doing NC will make him know you are serious about where you stand. Sometimes silence speaks volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Does it bother any of the people either of you are seeing? I've been with him three years! No. I guess its because we are clearly separated. I was with my boyfriend for just under two and a half years after the separation and it never bothered him. I guess if he had wanted to move in with me, marry me and start a life with me it would have been necessary to divorce but he didn't want any of that stuff so I guess he was actually happy that I was still legally married in that sense. I can understand your frustration, though. It is hard to start a life with someone who is holding on in some way to a life that was established before you came along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Cairo, don't beat yourself up. I am terrible at NC too...because it goes against what I WANT in my heart. Who wants to not talk to the person they so much want to be with more than anything?? It defies logic, but like the other poster said an ultimatum likely won't work. NC is one of the only ways you CAN gain any type of control over YOURSELF. No it might not change HIS mind...but are you happier with the alternative of arguing constantly about his status and feeling insecure? Doing NC will make him know you are serious about where you stand. Sometimes silence speaks volumes. Uggh, how can I convince myself that I can do this? I am so ashamed of saying this, but i think I'd rather have the arguments and insecurity in my life than not have HIM in my life at all. I'm just not strong enough. What happens if my silence is the end of us? He is so capable of moving on. He left his relationship of 28 years and didn't turn back. He is so good at this and I'm not. I am so wrenched up inside, haven't left the house for more than a 10 minutes today and have not eaten a thing. I just have this feeling in my soul that is the greatest pain in the world. I want things to just go back to the way they were 2 days ago. I am in no position to handle a breakup right now. No No no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Would it be okay for me to go about No contact like so: I talk with him tonight. I let him know I love him, want to be with him and hope we can work it out, but am going to take some time off for a few weeks so i can gather my thoughts and see what life is like without him. Or do i just not answer the phones and emails and not even let him know whats going on? or?? or what? Link to post Share on other sites
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Hmmmm...I think the first choice would work...as long as you can definetely do it. It might give you a jump start on real NC. Once you say you want NC you have to stick to it, or they won't take you seriously about it. Is there somewhere you want to go for a week or two? Or will you just be waiting it out? I know it would be easier for ME if I were away...but thats just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Hmmmm...I think the first choice would work...as long as you can definetely do it. It might give you a jump start on real NC. Once you say you want NC you have to stick to it, or they won't take you seriously about it. Is there somewhere you want to go for a week or two? Or will you just be waiting it out? I know it would be easier for ME if I were away...but thats just me. Nope, I'll be waiting it out, counting every freaking second. I work full time, so that will be distracting. i have a dog i'm planning my Bf's Bachelorette party I have an interview for Grad school next monday. It won't be easy considering I wake up and chat with him, get home, chat with him, and then chat again before bedtime. (We are long distance) We share everything with each other. But he is clearly a busier man than i am woman. I don't think he'll ever think about me until, maybe friday night when he NORMALLY sees me and we go out to dinner. Ugh, this is a very hard thing to do. i just hope this works and doesn't put more distance between us. I hope we miss the S#$% out of each other, and coming running back. I dont know what to do if he leaves. I'm not really thinking that is what is going to happen so I hope to not be in for the regret of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I can understand your frustration, though. It is hard to start a life with someone who is holding on in some way to a life that was established before you came along. Cairo, that's the crux of the issue for you, right, since you aren't looking to get married and start a family? That he's holding on to his past? So that contradicts your fear below: I'm just not strong enough. What happens if my silence is the end of us? He is so capable of moving on. He left his relationship of 28 years and didn't turn back. He hasn't quite left the relationship, and by not severing their legal ties, he isn't turning back because he's still IN it. Also, you said they are very good friends and remain business partners. He's still very much involved with that relationship, even though though they aren't romantic and living together. He hasn't left the relationship - it has just changed into something else. Can you think of anything he can do for you, short of getting the divorce, that would make you feel like he is committed to this new life the two of you are trying develop? Could one of you move closer to the other and start living together? Are there some longer term plans the two of can make that would represent a joint commitment (I'm thinking planning dream house or beach cottage or a trip through Europe, or some kind of plans for after he retires in a few years, but it could be anything meaningful to both of you...)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nashua Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Cairo, that's the crux of the issue for you, right, since you aren't looking to get married and start a family? That he's holding on to his past? So that contradicts your fear below: He hasn't quite left the relationship, and by not severing their legal ties, he isn't turning back because he's still IN it. Also, you said they are very good friends and remain business partners. He's still very much involved with that relationship, even though though they aren't romantic and living together. He hasn't left the relationship - it has just changed into something else. Can you think of anything he can do for you, short of getting the divorce, that would make you feel like he is committed to this new life the two of you are trying develop? Could one of you move closer to the other and start living together? Are there some longer term plans the two of can make that would represent a joint commitment (I'm thinking planning dream house or beach cottage or a trip through Europe, or some kind of plans for after he retires in a few years, but it could be anything meaningful to both of you...)? Whoa, good question! We tried living together in the small town where he owns his business. 2 things about that 1) everybody knows he had an affair and that I am the other woman. It makes for a very hidden life because we both carry shame for our actions. It rains all day long for months on end, and neither of us WANT to be there. his business is there (which he shares with wife) and so he is kinf of stuck there until he retires 2)its a small college town with no jobs. I get paid about $10/hour there, with no benefits. If you dont own a business, you struggle and wind up working 2 FT jobs just to get by. After we tried for a few months, I decided to leave and go to the city (again). now I have plans to attend Grad school here and that will take about 3-5 years to fully complete. I thought this was a good thing because he isn't ready to retire and probably wont be for about 3-5 years. Once I do start school, I will be on school schedule which means i can have my summers free, my winter holidays free and spring break. We love to travel (have been to S. america and Asia together, not to mention other places on our own) so travel is DEFINATELY in our future (if we have one). I guess if I do not get accepted, I can try to move back with him in the rainy small town, but I will not be happy living like that. What else can he do aside from divorce? I dont know, but I like your approach. He does do a lot for me already. Maybe If I stop nagging, he'll come to love me more and actually WANT to divorce for US! Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 What else can he do aside from divorce? I dont know, but I like your approach. He does do a lot for me already. Maybe If I stop nagging, he'll come to love me more and actually WANT to divorce for US! I highly doubt that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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