Self Destruct ~ Coming apart

[sb129]

.I truly believe that meds are a good avenue for helping someone focus so they can find the tools necessary to work on feeling better through actions and work.

 

Exactly. That is how I found them when I was on them. They cleared the fog a little so i could see a bit more clearly to sort out my issues and bad behaviour patterns.

 

I also know what you mean about asking others for help.

 

I found it exceptionally difficult until two of my friends saw me basically at rock bottom- they had had no idea that things had got so bad, and were upset that I felt that I couldn't confide in them. They became two very important people in my recovery. People who care about you WANT to help you.

Please try to remember that.

[oppath]

D-lish,

 

no, you are not a stupid girl. You've always struck me as one of the more knowledgeable and compassionate posters who has had her act together, and you come off as a witty, smart, fun and funny woman. You have a lot to offer a man while I'm younger than you, all I have to say is there is a reason those guys are attracted to you. I've had the opportunity to date older women who are physically attracted. I only went for the ones who were cool and whose company I really enjoyed. They are attracted to you for good reasons.

 

For you, laying off dating isn't good or bad. Vowing for a couple months, and deleting online subscriptions and even avoiding LS, can be a great break. I really feel I am similar to you; I need to NOT FOCUS on a relationship right now. It's another source of stress and if you are struggling with depression at all, dating can leave you feeling very inadequate and it is very frustrating. Take the pressure off. Go on a dating strike for two months and in that time, take up one new hobby.

 

You deserve love and I have no doubt you will be starry eyed again, but right now, you are in the pits. It will get better but it is important to treat yourself well and with a little more compassion than you have been.

[D-Lish]

Exactly. That is how I found them when I was on them. They cleared the fog a little so i could see a bit more clearly to sort out my issues and bad behaviour patterns.

 

I also know what you mean about asking others for help.

 

I found it exceptionally difficult until two of my friends saw me basically at rock bottom- they had had no idea that things had got so bad, and were upset that I felt that I couldn't confide in them. They became two very important people in my recovery. People who care about you WANT to help you.

Please try to remember that.

 

I do have a good support system available to me with my family- my father especially who is a physician with a great understanding of depression and the impact it can have on a person. He is always there to listen, and reaches out often. I always have a problem voicing my true feelings and situation for fear of disappointing him- even though I know there isn't much I could do to cause him to feel that way. It's pride I suppose... which is why it is often easier to open up to strangers than to the people we are closest to.

 

The meds are just a vehicle to feeling stable enough to utilize the tools already present within us to find our way out of the fog.

 

It helps immenseley to recieve compassion without judgement from people who don't know much about me, yet want to offer unconditional support. It's like group therapy- but no one cares I am in my pj's and haven't had a shower in two days. (Well- I do shower every day).... I think I might have just made a lame attempt at a joke!

 

Of course, I still feel beaten down, but the tears aren't streaming down my face like thay have been for the majority of the last two days.

 

I honestly can't say enough about how helpful everyone's support has been. It has had an impact. It doesn't matter if someone says- hey I've been there, or I feel for you.... and listening to people talk about their own struggles with similar problems certainly makes me feel less alone than I did when I awoke this morning and didn't know if I could face one more day living as I have been.

 

I haven't even had an urge to break nc with any of my suitors I have removed from my life since realizing I deserve better. Last night I got a bitter text as a response to an e-mail I sent to my ex youngin who basically told me to quit the games and leave him alone. That is exactly what I should be doing- leaving him alone and finding that respect for myself that I somehow lost along the way these last 5 years.

 

I have hated the attractions that have possessed me to engage in relationships with these guys that at best, are indifferent to me.

I have officially slapped myself upside the head in regards to those trysts.

When I dated this guy for a month and he got all crazy in love- I got attached to that attention. When he turned around and started treating me with indifference after that month, I just began chasing him, craving that lost attention, trying to get it back. What I realize now is that everyone is on their best behaviour in the first month... it's the last two months of being treated poorly that are the true colours of this guy. That is what I should have realized instead of fooling myself into believing that that facade he put up in the first month is who he is.

 

No more young guys, enough with abusing alcohol to find a brief moment of confidence that turns into a shameful day of regret the following day.

 

These are the conclusions I am reconciling with- and if I hadn't posted here tonight I think I would be lying on my couch wallowing in self pity.

 

That is why I thank everyone for their compassion and judgement free advice. It has made a dark day seem a little brighter.

[D-Lish]

D-lish,

 

no, you are not a stupid girl. You've always struck me as one of the more knowledgeable and compassionate posters who has had her act together, and you come off as a witty, smart, fun and funny woman. You have a lot to offer a man while I'm younger than you, all I have to say is there is a reason those guys are attracted to you. I've had the opportunity to date older women who are physically attracted. I only went for the ones who were cool and whose company I really enjoyed. They are attracted to you for good reasons.

 

For you, laying off dating isn't good or bad. Vowing for a couple months, and deleting online subscriptions and even avoiding LS, can be a great break. I really feel I am similar to you; I need to NOT FOCUS on a relationship right now. It's another source of stress and if you are struggling with depression at all, dating can leave you feeling very inadequate and it is very frustrating. Take the pressure off. Go on a dating strike for two months and in that time, take up one new hobby.

 

You deserve love and I have no doubt you will be starry eyed again, but right now, you are in the pits. It will get better but it is important to treat yourself well and with a little more compassion than you have been.

 

Agreed. A dating strike is not a bad idea. I don't think I want to take a whole year off- but a couple months to pick up a new hobby would be a healthy change.

 

No, I am not a dumb ass... but I have been acting like one.

You're always very adept at supporting people O.

 

And I know the younger guy attraction begins with someone seeing me as a strong, confident cool chick.... but when you don't truly feel that way about yourself, the facade eventually breaks down and you expose yourself and insecurities...which would obviously push people away. I know it would push me away if I were in their shoes.

 

I am heading off to sleep- feeling much better than I did when I woke up this morning.

 

I wonder what a mass LS group therapy session would be like in person...lol. Probably pretty interesting.

Nite all.

[Pyro]

The last couple years of my life have been so difficult. It's been an incredible struggle between teetering on the edge of holding things together and completely falling apart. Over the past month or so I could feel myself losing my grasp over what little semblance of control I had left.

 

I am posting in the breaks and breaking up section because I feel like a lot of the problems I am having have to do with relationships.

 

I guess have always had that sensation of falling, I've probably been falling since my husband and I split up 5 years ago. When that happened I really pushed that grief to the back of my head and ignored it. I had a break up a couple years back- the one that brought me here actually.... and although the guy was not someone I truly loved or should have been with.... that break up triggered and surfaced all the issues of my divorce and that loss. (My husband and I were having problems and he got another woman pregnant...which promptly ended an 8 year relationship and year and a half marriage).

 

So now I find myself in my mid thirties, making a series of bad choices, drinking and partying more than I should be, dating jerks and unanavailable younger men.... And it has just gotten worse. The last two months have been out of control for me....spinning out of control actually. I've put myself at risk more than I care to elaborate on. The shame over that doesn't help.

 

I've always fought a bit with depression, but I have managed it, or at least been able to masque it. I think most of my friends would die of shock if they could see what is inside my head right now. I am always the one people come to for help and advice... I am usually the mentor. Now I feel lost and alone in my situation with no where to turn for help. Not that I don't have help available to me... I am just too proud to ask for it.

I have this exterior- it's a facade- of this happy, animated, put together girl.... but I can't even fake that anymore.

 

I am not drinking every day- but I drink to excess at least 3 times a week...sometimes by myself. I form superficial relationships with guys who are all wrong for me- and I allow them to get into my heart and hurt me. It's like I punish myself, on purpose.

 

I decided a couple weeks ago that it was time to clear the slate and I broke up with a guy I was seeing who was too young for me, and not a good choice for a long term relationship. I also cleared the alcohol out of my house and tried to cut back. I've cut back a bit- but not as much as I should be.

 

You'd think that taking steps to turn a new leaf would help to make me feel better..... but I feel a whole lot worse.

 

The world suddenly got a whole lot lonlier- more lonley than usual. I cry at the drop of a hat...it's just a level of sadness that feels sort of rock bottomish. I went back on my decision to break up with my young ex and contacted him- only to be rejected quite brutally.... which of course made me feel even worse. It was a GOOD choice to break things off with him- but I can't stop hurting over not having him around.

 

I look back at the last year- a series of failed relationships, my business has been doing so terribly I have to close, I found love and happiness through a pregnancy and then I lost that pregnancy, and that lover betrayed me.... my parents have been supporting me financially. It's gotten to the point where I am so confused about my ability to make good decisions that I don't trust myself to recognize what is positive and what is not.

 

It just feels like I have fought and fought to hold it together for so long- and the last couple months things unravelled really quickly.

 

I am sitting here, and the tears are streaming down my face- and this is what it has been like pretty consistently since the turn of the new year.

 

Sorry this is so long. I haven't known where to vent.

I see my doctor, and have been on my anti-depressants for a couple years. I should probably have them re-evaluated as they may not be the right combination for me. Even when I see my doctor- I feel bad, like I am burdening her if I talk about how I feel.

 

So instead, I have begun to isolate myself, I'm caving. Avoiding all responsibilities... Not talking to my friends and family. I've barely been able to see my 6 month old nephew since I miscarried.

 

I don't want to feel like this- so incapable and lost and lonley. I know I have the ability to make things better and I want to do that. I guess I have to concede this time that I need some help to do that. My first step- venting here, sort of laying things out.

 

Long post I know. Today has been a particularly bad day.

 

Wow. That is just awful D.

 

I haven't read the rest of the thread, so I apologize if what I am saying has been said already, but try and remain patient. You will have to tackle each problem that you are having one by one.

 

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you need some help and advice. You shouldn't be too proud to admit that. No one alive is perfect. We all have imperfections. Having your friends and family by your side will help you greatly.

 

Definitely take a break from dating. Learn to make yourself happy before you get involved with someone and when you do, take the time to get to know him before you get seriously involved. I don't want to hear about anymore video game guru's or penguin guys. Lol.

 

Thats good that you got rid of all the alcohol in your house. I never keep any at my house either. Try to limit your drinking to weekends only.

 

I am sorry about your business D. The economy here is just awful and I am seeing businesses closing up left and right, but you have some great parents.

 

As for your anti-depressants, maybe you need some new ones. Definitely talk to your Doctor about them.

 

I hope that you start to tackle each individual problem that you have and I hope that you feel better soon.

[pigeonsid]

Hi D-Lish,

 

I wanted to recommend this blog to you:

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/

 

She posts often, and it's really helped me a lot. It's made me realise that a lot of the emotions I had when my ex left me were not just about my failed relationship but about many other failures and let-downs in my life. It's made me go into counselling and start facing issues that I've been running from my entire life. I think that seeing how these issues really affected my ability to be in a great relationship with someone who really did love me, has made me see how important it is to deal with them, because I don't want to sabotage the next relationship I am in (be it with my ex or someone else).

 

The woman who writes that blog has been through some amazing lows, and I find her story inspiring and motivational. It's sort of made me realise that no matter how bad things in my life have been, there is a chance for the future to be different.

 

I am also battling with depression, and just trying to get through it day by day. But hang in there. There is a lot of us out there - the world isn't as polished and strong as it seems. And that means it's okay for us to be a little tarnished and cracked.

[sandflea]

Hang in there D - and keep posting. We'll all be here.

 

Everybody's pulling for ya!

 

SF

[HilaryQ]

Hi D-Lish. I felt so sorry for you when I read your post - I really hope you can get your life back on track and get happy again. HUGS

 

 

I don't know if this will be any help, but I saw a program last night about people who had lived long (more than 90 years) and happy lives. It appears that to live such a life you need a focus. The focus can be anything -religion, dancing, singing, exercise - anything at all as long as it is something you enjoy and something you can do evey day. Group activities seemed to make people happier, but one old lady of 109 said it was because she spent some time every day praying.

 

If you are clearing out your old life and starting again with a new one, would a completely new activity to focus upon help? Something you have never thought about before - ballroom dancing ? walking ? scuba diving? getting a pet? I may be way off the mark, but maybe it would help.

 

Look after yourself, and keep posting, we'll all help as much as we can. x

[marlena]

D,

 

Let me 'fess up as you say in the US. I went on a dating binge for three whole years. Numbers don't matter but they were pretty high. It was after my parents died and the man I was madly in love with for five years betrayed me. I thought I could flush the poison away by constant dating always with the hope of finding that special someone who I could connect with on all important levels.

 

Before I knew it I was becoming addicted to dating and it was doing me great harm.

 

I was so desperate to be in a relationship that I made all the wrong choices. I dated a man who was toxic for eight months until he sapped every remaining particle of strength I had left. It became evident that I was making bad choices in men - a total lack of judgement.

 

One day, it hit me that I was utterly and completely emotionally drained. I couldn't do it anymore. I resolved not to sell myself short and instead of wasting energy on others, I redirected that energy unto myself.

 

I stopped dating and tried to find some peace and happiness with myself. I gave myself time. Time to relax, time to regroup, time to think, time to gather strength,be with my friends again and more importantly find myself once again. The craziness that had gripped me subsided and with it so did the feelings of despair and urgency that I had been experiencing.

 

You can't force things to happen is the lesson I learned. All you can do is find a better,healthier place for yourself, sort of like reconciling with yourself, and hopefully, the rest will follow.

 

I realized that men were picking up on my vulnerability and exploiting it. So I decided to get off the roller-coaster ride. The intensity of my life was killing me. I was hurting myself over and over again. It had to stop

 

Today I am more confident, certainly calmer and happier. Perhaps this time I'll attract the right type of man. Then, perhaps not. Even that I can live with.

 

I think this might be happening with you. You are simply burnt out and need to get strong again. You can do it.

Edited February 20, 2008 by marlena

[Kasan]

I do have a good support system available to me with my family- my father especially who is a physician with a great understanding of depression and the impact it can have on a person. He is always there to listen, and reaches out often. I always have a problem voicing my true feelings and situation for fear of disappointing him- even though I know there isn't much I could do to cause him to feel that way. It's pride I suppose... which is why it is often easier to open up to strangers than to the people we are closest to.

 

Speaking from a parent's point of view here D-Lish, I just want you to know that we as parents know when our children are struggling and we wrestle with ourselves on how to approach you.

 

To us, it doesn't matter if you are ten or fifty as you are our beloved child, when it comes to being in trouble. You could only disappoint us by not asking for help.

 

There is no question of pride here as we recognize that we won't always be able to be here to help you.

 

I hope that you can find a way to let your parents help you during this....let them be the soft place that you land right now.

Edited February 20, 2008 by Kasan

[blind_otter]

I just wanted to add that I know, in some sense, how you feel. Like others, I have gone through a depression too -- my worst one was after I lost my second baby. Those hormones can be a killer. I went on a binge and started drinking excessively and then renewed my addiciton to cocaine, so I went pretty far off the deep end.

 

I second the advice to pursue talk therapy.

 

I also know how chaotic and depressing it can be when your psychiatrist/therapist leaves. Mine transferred me to another woman who I do not click with at all. In fact I sort of skipped my appointment with her recently. I just didn't want to see her. I miss my old therapist in a big way. Making that transition can be really difficult.

 

Be well, and stay strong.

[D-Lish]

I hope that you can find a way to let your parents help you during this....let them be the soft place that you land right now.

 

I let them in in waves.... They also live in Washington DC right now, while I am in Ontario..... It sometimes makes it hard to reach out to them because I know how busy they are. But the pride thing does often get in the way.

[sandflea]

I let them in in waves.... They also live in Washington DC right now, while I am in Ontario..... It sometimes makes it hard to reach out to them because I know how busy they are. But the pride thing does often get in the way.

 

Is today any better?

 

I go through ups and downs. Granted, some of the downs are pretty low - but then I'm on another up, and I feel a lot better. I just have to keep reminding myself that there's a corresponding ying and yang to happiness/sadness, faith and doubt, etc.

 

SF

[D-Lish]

Today is a little better, yes. Yet I recognize there is a long way to go.

 

I am trying to concentrate on finding a little motivation. I haven't been to the gym in about 3 weeks- and I really want to get back there tomorrow. As I keep saying, taking care of the body first by purging myself of the alcohol and regaining some energy by getting active again will hopefully kick start my desire and motivation.

 

I did go out with my gf's tonight- and I kept it to one bottle of beer, and I just sipped it. That's pretty good for me.

 

It's weird, I spent most of the evening listening and supporting my gf who is having a hard time with her marriage. She hugged me when we were leaving and said I always know the right things to say to make her feel better. That's what I meant when I said I am used to being in that role of being the "supporter". Sometimes it's hard when you are used to playing a certain role to play the reverse. It makes me feel good to feel helpful- but it also frustrates me to feel like I have to keep silent about my own dirty laundry. As I have said before- I think the majority of my friends would fall over if I told them what was happening and how I was feeling in my own life. I was going to bring it up tonight, but I found myself caught up in her tears instead.

 

So, my goal is to go to the gym tomorrow.

[Trimmer]

So, my goal is to go to the gym tomorrow.

Good... Good sleep, good exercise, good nutrition. It sounds like you realize that treating your physical body well is an important step, and that's good. It won't solve all your problems magically, but it will be one of the building blocks...

 

And conversely, if you were feeling physically crappy, that would definitely be a big obstacle. Take care of yourself, and get that obstacle out of the way.

 

Keep it going!

[sandflea]

I was going to bring it up tonight, but I found myself caught up in her tears instead.

 

So, my goal is to go to the gym tomorrow.

 

It's funny - coming on this board, and trying to encourage others helps me feel better. It's very theraputic. Instead of internalizing on my own ups and downs I get to try to empathize with someone else, someone who is a total stranger to me - but someone who is also in pain. It almost always makes me feel better when I encourage others, or try to alleviate someone else's pain. I take great comfort in this.

 

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

 

Yes - you get your butt back in to the gym! Not only is it the best way to purge the poisons (I like beer too) - It's a huge stress reliever, and it will make you feel tons better about yourself. I'm in there once a day - and I rarely, if EVER leave feeling down.

 

Plus, you earned your beer

 

Glad to hear that things are looking up.

 

Namaste

 

SF

[Belkin]

I totally agree with you sandflea Posting on other's boards make you realize that other's are going through the same emotions as you, and the advice you give them actually also apply to yourself more often than not!

 

Anyway, how was the gym?

[dfreeman]

I agree with you guys across the board - working out my body at the gym and working out that crap in my head on LS have personally done wonders for me. It has also helped me kick-start my social life (sorry, too early to report an a new girlfriend, but definitely starting to think along those lines).

 

Here's how...

 

By reading, and even more so posting on LS, I work out a lot of garbage that would otherwise be dumped on my friends when we get together. So, even when I am out giving them an update on where my head is at, it's processed garbage and it takes up less of our time to socialize. Not to mention, it is quite possible (let's call it probable) that if I didn't find LS, I may have tried to resolve some of my crap with the ex and would still be stuck in Moronville... wouldn't I just be loads of fun to be around then!

 

I can't even begin to tell you what my trips to the gym (plus watching what I eat) have done for me - I am down from 200 to 182 and am buying new clothes every week. None of my friends even think I am the same unhappy person of the past year or so - they see the pre-recent-ex me back again and couldn't be happier for me. Plus, the physical boost you get from really giving your body a workout helps get rid of that crap-eating feeling you get when you sit around and feel sorry for what you lost.

 

Of course, my LS buddies still get my pain and anger (think hourly roller coaster), but at least I'm not running around town throwing my own traveling pity-party.

 

Leave as much junk as you can here on LS people and get your ass to the gym!

[Belkin]

Yet, that's what LS is for! Friends can only take so much, LS can take it all!

[sandflea]

I agree with you guys across the board - working out my body at the gym and working out that crap in my head on LS have personally done wonders for me. It has also helped me kick-start my social life (sorry, too early to report an a new girlfriend, but definitely starting to think along those lines).

 

Here's how...

 

By reading, and even more so posting on LS, I work out a lot of garbage that would otherwise be dumped on my friends when we get together. So, even when I am out giving them an update on where my head is at, it's processed garbage and it takes up less of our time to socialize. Not to mention, it is quite possible (let's call it probable) that if I didn't find LS, I may have tried to resolve some of my crap with the ex and would still be stuck in Moronville... wouldn't I just be loads of fun to be around then!

 

I can't even begin to tell you what my trips to the gym (plus watching what I eat) have done for me - I am down from 200 to 182 and am buying new clothes every week. None of my friends even think I am the same unhappy person of the past year or so - they see the pre-recent-ex me back again and couldn't be happier for me. Plus, the physical boost you get from really giving your body a workout helps get rid of that crap-eating feeling you get when you sit around and feel sorry for what you lost.

 

Of course, my LS buddies still get my pain and anger (think hourly roller coaster), but at least I'm not running around town throwing my own traveling pity-party.

 

Leave as much junk as you can here on LS people and get your ass to the gym!

 

100% on game! Excellent news!

 

Yeah - LS is a great place to vent. It keeps you from totally alienating everyone that cares about you. And the gym - ahh yes! Not only is it great to get your confidence back - but it's also KILLER for your body, makes you feel great - and, yeah - makes you LOOK great too.

 

I'm not in GF mode yet either. But man, the ladies at the Y are really looking fine these days. Spring is comin!

 

Good for you Dman!

 

SF

[leftinthedark]

Hi.

 

I really feel for you. You sound so much like me. I've also lost a business, my home, moved in with my family and far from all my friends, except i went back to smoking cigarettes, way too many a day till I feel sick. I got off the anti depressants though, I'm middle 30's too and went through that faze of dating younger go no where type of relationships.

 

What I've decided to do is stop dwelling on all that stuff, if you keep thinking about everything bad that has happened to you, the next day you just wake up feeling bad again. So I've decided to remind myself that all that stuff is in the past and this is a new day. I'm making changes for myself, it's never too late to change your history, you know?

 

I think your post just inspired me to make today the day I quit smoking and start taking care of myself mentally and phsyically.

 

Please stop the drinking before it really gets too hard for you to do it. My father is an alcoholic and I witness first hand the horror of it. Believe me, you don't want to fight that battle.

[D-Lish]

I made a date for the gym for 7pm... I am meeting my friend at the treadmills. I guess it's also a social place as well. If I hook up with a partner- then it will keep me motivated.

 

As for the alcohol. I want to go back to being the social drinker I used to be.... someone that indulged once and a while, but never drank alone and never felt the urge to self medicate with it every night.

 

Well, besides having a few sips last night- I haven't had alcohol since Sunday night. That has probably been the longest I have gone without it since x-mas.

 

It's amazing that so many people can relate to the depression. I think that is what helps the most- when you know you are not alone (abnormal).

[D-Lish]

Hi.

 

I really feel for you. You sound so much like me. I've also lost a business, my home, moved in with my family and far from all my friends, except i went back to smoking cigarettes, way too many a day till I feel sick. I got off the anti depressants though, I'm middle 30's too and went through that faze of dating younger go no where type of relationships.

 

What I've decided to do is stop dwelling on all that stuff, if you keep thinking about everything bad that has happened to you, the next day you just wake up feeling bad again. So I've decided to remind myself that all that stuff is in the past and this is a new day. I'm making changes for myself, it's never too late to change your history, you know?

 

I think your post just inspired me to make today the day I quit smoking and start taking care of myself mentally and phsyically.

 

Please stop the drinking before it really gets too hard for you to do it. My father is an alcoholic and I witness first hand the horror of it. Believe me, you don't want to fight that battle.

 

Cigarettes are a hard habit to kick... I still smoke. I don't think that's a demon I am ready to tackle yet. One bad habit at a time. lol. Good luck with that.... and yeah- the business thing sucks. The economy is really suffering though.... I know it is not my fault that sales simply dried up.... it still makes you feel like a failure though. I am living off my parents at the moment while I close things down. I know what it's like- I too moved home in my young 30's to my parent's house for a year. lol. It wasn't so bad.

 

Going on the patch....cold turkey.... or meds?

Oddly enough- I am taking Wellbutrin for depression and I don't smoke nearly as much. But they prescribe it under a different name (that I forget at the moment) to help people quit.

[sedgwick]

It's called Zyban.

[leftinthedark]

Putting the patch on right now, just finished my last cig.

 

I'm going to be using lorazapam for the next couple of days just to help with the edge.

 

especially since I'm going through this horrible break up too. I figured I can forgive myself for trynig to use a little extra help.

 

you're right one at a time, so do the alcohol now, while i do the cigs, you have a partner (me) here too to help you through it, hows that?

 

Later on you can work on the cigs too xoxo