Moody critical husband with too many female friends

[nala24]

I have been married for 5 years and with my husband for 14 years. He has always been a little moody, but lately he is becoming unbearable. I don't know if it's stress or what. He has a stressful job, we have a 3 year old with a physical disability, and we recently moved into a new home with a mortgage about twice what our old one was(his idea).

 

Here is what is going on. Almost every night when he gets home he starts looking around the house checking if every thing is clean. He gets very angry if he finds so much as a sticky spot or a few crumbs on the floor. Our house is always clean, but I don't have time to mop, dust, clean our child's room perfectly, etc... every day. I pick up everything, sweep, put all dishes in the dishwasher, make beds, and clean bathrooms every day. I do mopping, changing sheets and vacuuming once a week. Plus I run a business out of our house which requires about 10-30 hours per week. All while trying to care for our 3 year old and take him to doctor appointments and physical therapies. He constatly complains that things aren't clean enough, that I don't try hard enough to look nice for him, and that I don't make enough money. He says he feels like a maid because he has to go over everything and clean up the things that I neglected during the day. He says he feels like he has a housewife who does nothing.

 

He also gets annoyed if I ask him to take care of our child in the evenings. He says he works hard to support our family and that he needs time to relax. He makes about 4 times what I make and pays most of our family bills with the exception of about $200 worth of household bills which I pay. I also pay for our groceries, household supplies, my car and any personal expenses that I have. He gets angry if I ever take money out of our joint savings account, but he can take it out anytime he wants. For the record I have only taken money out twice. Once to pay for groceries when I had a slow month and once to pay for swimming classes for our child. He claimed I should have money for these things and I shouldn't need to use our savings. I often feel poor even though I live in a nice house and have a husband who makes good money. He can buy anything he wants, but I sometimes don't have enough money to get a full tank of gas.

 

He also complains because he doesn't like the foods I make. I don't eat meat and that's what he wants to eat. The truth is I don't have time to make a big meal everyday anyway so I try to make simple things. He compares me to other women he knows that cook for their husbands all the time.

 

He always asks why I can't be a normal wife whatever that means.

 

He seems to think I sit around all day watching TV. He makes comments about me being lazy when the truth is I rarely even sit down during the day unless I'm playing with our child or eating. Otherwise I am always busy. I normally have about a half hour of free time per day during which I shower and get online for a bit.

 

Then there is a problem with his female friends. He has a couple of women who he knows through work that text message him frequently from what I can tell. He always keeps his phone on silent and now deletes all his messages frequently after we had a blow out fight a few months ago about the text messages. I only know they still message him because I occasionally will see one on his phone and he has a lot of txt messages on his phone bill which I pay.

 

He also meets up with them about once every two months to go out for drinks. I'm never invited and if I push it then he decides he won't go. Last year he was planning on going out with them to celebrate his birthday until I arranged for care for our child so I could go too and then he decided we should just go out to dinner instead. I have met these women and they didn't treat me very warmly. He has actually backed off a little on doing things with these ladies and has not attended the last several conferences that they were going to be at. He is home every night and every weekend so I don't think he is having an affair, but it all bothers me.

 

It's getting to the point where I dread him coming home. Things used to be good, but I think the stress of having a child with a disability plus a new high stress job is really getting to him. I'm trying to ride this out hoping things will get better, but it's hard. He is a good father when he does take care of our child and there are times when he is nice and fun. Also he is not jeolous or controlling. For example he is fine with me going out with friends and doesn't ask me about my whereabouts. Does this relationship look bad to you guys? What do you think I should do? There are times when I think being alone sounds so much less stressful, but I want my child to have a two parent home so badly.

[sally4sara]

I'm sorry but your husband is a controlling (and probably cheating) jerk. You are married and what ever money is in the joint account is your money too. Its not like he does everything and you choose to sit at home all cushy. Your child has special needs and if you went out and got a better paying job someone else would have to be hired (and paid) to take care of the child. I suspect if you went and got an external job, your husband would expect you to pay for the care giver even though it's his child too.

 

The female friends? Best case scenario: he horribly bad mouths you to them and they have a poor impression of you making you notice their attitude. But since you say he deletes all texts and guards his phone, he is probably involved sexually with one of them. I say this because if it was just that he has given them a poor image of you I really doubt all him communication with them is more bashing on you. So what else could they be talking about that he doesn't want you to see?

Because you have a special needs child and he makes 4 times more than you, I would hire a PI and get some evidence that will protect you in any divorce proceedings. It might help insure that if the two of you divorce because of his actions, he will be obligated to help see to the child's care as long as it's needed and you can live at least a decent life while you still need to care for the child. What is your child's special needs and how old is it?

You husband sounds like he isn't happy and blames you for it. It isn't your fault. He is blaming you because he is a selfish jerk and its in his nature to take his anger out of someone else. He sounds like an only child gone bad. What a brat!

[curiousnycgirl]

Sounds to me like he is overwhelmed with the new house expense, and the challenge of a special needs child.

 

Let me get this straight he claims to support the family but you pay the household bills (I assume this is gas, electric, telephones, water, etc), groceries, cleaning supplies, your car, etc. So what does that leave? The mortgage, his car, insurance, medical bills? Based on your incomes that doesn't sound like he is supporting the family it sounds like he is contributing, as are you. A house is not really useful without all the things that you pay for, and frankly basic support includes food - so not sure how he reconciles that one.

 

Reality is he does not have a stay at home wife - stay at home wives do not have any source of income, which you clearly do. Plus you have the added challenge of a special needs child. I think it is amazing you are doing it all!

 

Based on what you have written, I do not think he is cheating - however I do agree that he is likely bad mouthing you to these friends of his, and that is why he is reluctant to take you out with them.

 

I think it is critical that you two start counseling. I don't think your husband has any clue how rough your days must be. Reality is that most working men (and women for that matter) cannot handle being stay at home parents to regular needs children, it is a 24X7 job. You have so much more on your plate it is not even funny!

 

Frankly I would map out a standard day. Get up at X time, feed, bathe clothe child til Y time. Drive to doctor (xx minutes) etc. I am sure the total would be damn close to 24 hours! Not sure I would shove that in your husbands face immediately, but within the course of counseling, I'd certainly bring it up.

 

Even if your husband refused to go to counseling, I hope you go on your own. I believe it is very important for someone dealing with a special needs family member to have a support system, and it doesn't sound like you do!

[milvushina]

It sounds like he is awfully stressed out. Some people respond to stress by taking their natural tendencies to an extreme. For instance if he tends to be a perfectionist, stress might escalate him to be really picky and moody about cleanliness. I agree you should see a counselor because he needs a reality check regarding what your days are actually like.

 

I bet that those female friends are people he confides in about his marriage. He gets someone to only hear his side of things, so of course they wouldn't treat you warmly if he tells them he has a stay at home wife (which I agree you're not really if you work from home too) who treats him like a maid. And he really doesn't want you to spend time with them because if they're real friends, getting to know you would probably cause him to get criticized.

[Enema]

One day, don't clean, cook, pickup or take care of anything except your child.

 

Then at the end of the day when he gets angry you say, "You know how you get mad at me for not doing anything? Well, today I didn't"

[curiousnycgirl]

One day, don't clean, cook, pickup or take care of anything except your child.

 

Then at the end of the day when he gets angry you say, "You know how you get mad at me for not doing anything? Well, today I didn't"

 

That is really funny and really cute, but somehow I don't think he sounds like he's ready for humor.

[CodependentKate]

Your husband sounds like my father. My mom stayed home with us when we were younger and he would always complain about the house not being clean. His standards of cleanliness are ridiculous, however, and looking back it just seems like it was something he used as an excuse to be an *********. When you said that your husband complained about sticky spots I actually spit my drink out because that is exactly what my father would complain the most about - sticky floors! Most of the no one else could even notice what he was talking about. He once even complained that the carpet was sticky. I don't even think that it is possible for carpet to be sticky.

We also dreaded when his car would pull up after work, and weekends weren't much fun because they would be spent cleaning, and with his inspection of our rooms to make sure that there was not a speck of dust or a single smudge on the door. During the summers, he would actually be jealous that we had the day off. He would come home and complain that he was working hard all day while we were sitting around watching tv. Like we were supposed to get jobs or something, we were just kids!

My mother was much happier when she went back to work and was able to talk to other adults and make new friends etc. My father died a few years ago THANK GOD! None of us even miss him at all, and even though I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say but I don't feel bad.

 

Some people are just jerks and there really isn't much you can do to change them.

[curiousnycgirl]

Your husband sounds like my father. My mom stayed home with us when we were younger and he would always complain about the house not being clean. His standards of cleanliness are ridiculous, however, and looking back it just seems like it was something he used as an excuse to be an *********. When you said that your husband complained about sticky spots I actually spit my drink out because that is exactly what my father would complain the most about - sticky floors! Most of the no one else could even notice what he was talking about. He once even complained that the carpet was sticky. I don't even think that it is possible for carpet to be sticky.

We also dreaded when his car would pull up after work, and weekends weren't much fun because they would be spent cleaning, and with his inspection of our rooms to make sure that there was not a speck of dust or a single smudge on the door. During the summers, he would actually be jealous that we had the day off. He would come home and complain that he was working hard all day while we were sitting around watching tv. Like we were supposed to get jobs or something, we were just kids!

My mother was much happier when she went back to work and was able to talk to other adults and make new friends etc. My father died a few years ago THANK GOD! None of us even miss him at all, and even though I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say but I don't feel bad.

 

Some people are just jerks and there really isn't much you can do to change them.

 

Wow do you want your child saying that after their father is gone?!

[Mr. Lucky]

He seems to think I sit around all day watching TV. He makes comments about me being lazy when the truth is I rarely even sit down during the day unless I'm playing with our child or eating. Otherwise I am always busy. I normally have about a half hour of free time per day during which I shower and get online for a bit.

Nala:

 

Do you have (or can you rent or borrow) a video camera? I'd be very tempted to make a 30 minutes film showing 2-3 minutes of each activity that takes up your day. As a parent of a special needs child (who's now a healthy, happy 21-year old) that had 9 surgeries before he was 6, I know how time consuming doctor's, PT, OT, etc. can be. Perhaps your Husband will accept visual proof of the things that fill your day!

 

Mr. Lucky