just1girl Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Hi, everyone. I have been married for over a little over a year to my husband who I've been in a relationship with for almost six years. We have a one year old daughter who means the world to me. I know couples go through their first-year marital problems and we are going through ours. When I got pregnant, we decided to tie the knots; so in other words, I would've waited to marry him after I earned my degree but instead our plans changed. I used to be so independent and took pride in the fact that I was able to take care of myself financially sufficiently while working a part-time job and going to school full-time. Since being married, my body and mind has been drained by poopy diapers and a fussy toddler. My husband is away most of the time working and so I find myself doing everything around the house. I could go on with the list issues, but that's not why I'm here today. Since being married, my husband still has some of the phone numbers from girls that he went to school with. He graduated from the Univ. a year and a half ago. He has been keeping in contact with some of these female friends for awhile now, but every time he talks to them, he never mentions me or the baby. They (2-3 girls) call him in the middle of the night to talk about boyfriend/husband problems. He left his myspace profile on once and his profile said he was single and all his messages were to certain females that had no indication he was married. Is this normal? Am I looking too deep into this? Aslo, when should a couple start thinking about marriage counseling? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for reading this. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 No its not normal. That guy is scum. He still wants the benefits of being single. Think about it for a sec. What would be your reasons to tell guys that you are single and not married? He needs to shapen up or you need to get rid of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Oggie_23 Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 No its not normal. That guy is scum. He still wants the benefits of being single. Think about it for a sec. What would be your reasons to tell guys that you are single and not married? He needs to shapen up or you need to get rid of him. I agree. He seems to be hiding something. If he is not proud to call you his wife, the you can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 It's time he takes a big biy pill and tells these girls he's married and a father and makes the commitment to you. If he can't or won't you need to do some serious thinking about your future together. If you are thinking of marriage counseling - go for yourself. Get some opinions from a professional outside party. Don't keep it secret from him - maybe if he sees how hurt and serious You are, the big boy pill will be easier for him to swallow and he'll participate in a mature relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author just1girl Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 It's time he takes a big biy pill and tells these girls he's married and a father and makes the commitment to you. If he can't or won't you need to do some serious thinking about your future together. If you are thinking of marriage counseling - go for yourself. Get some opinions from a professional outside party. Don't keep it secret from him - maybe if he sees how hurt and serious You are, the big boy pill will be easier for him to swallow and he'll participate in a mature relationship. I think you've hit it on the spot, my husband needs to be commited to our marriage and have the confidence to tell these girls he's no longer single. When I bring up these issues to him, he tells me that I'm a jealous person. I know he will never leave me or our baby, and he thinks I feel the same way.....and i used to, but now I realize that he will never change even though I have sacrificed so much to be with him. Thank you and I appreciate your feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Author just1girl Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 I agree. He seems to be hiding something. If he is not proud to call you his wife, the you can do better. At times I feel exactly like that. That he isn't proud of me enough to call his wife. We never look like a couple when we go out in public. He always has to be a step or two ahead of me and baby because he says I walk too slow. He's 6', I'm 5'2''. If I don't force the diaper bag on him, I'm left with it to carry, plus our child. I used to carry the diaper bag AND young infant in the carseat when we went out to dinner/mall/lunch. I don't have the patience to keep silent anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
luciouslips Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Take it from a lady married 20 years,the behavior is not normal,and you need to take action on it now.My husband David used the excuse of not wearing his wedding ring all these years because it could get caught in his work machinery.I believed that like a fool.He did not tell everyone we were married.I am finding all this out in last year.Wished I had known it the first couple years of marriage.In last year he has taken money he shouldn't have in Reno,gambled it away,got fired,and had taken up with a hooker at Baldini's Casino named Taylor.She kept texting my home at night,and he kept saying wrong number.You want to believe your spouses will not do these things,you want to believe they will not lie.LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION!!! I tried to ignore mine.I am 48 and gave my husband all the sex he wanted,any way he wanted it,i gave him respect,affection,but he was jealous because he thought our kid got all the money,and that he was mad I did not discuss a problem for only 5 minutes and never speak of it again.Harped once in awhile in his eyes.Some problems take days to sort out so there is no more hurt,especially money and sex/intimacy issues.This is how he justified cheating and talking to other women.He lacked in the communication department with me,and I always gave him the respect of listening to his views,but he said he could talk to them without being judged.The kicker is,Taylor is married,with a baby,and picks up men,and my husband was cool with that.Said she understood his problems,could comiserate together.Do not let it go this far in your marriage.You did not fail at your marriage if the spouse cheats alot and you leave.It actually makes you the winner.If your husband cannot or will not communicate/confide in only you,there is a major problem in him.If he cannot figure out what is wrong inside him,you will put yourself and children through years of hurt and your kids do not deserve that.My husband has never been a talker to me or my child and she has nothing much to do with him.I thought he was a quiet man with a good heart and trusted he told everyone we were married,but now I realize that no matter how much love and attention you give some men,they need more female adoration that makes them feel like a man.I have put 20 years into my marriage,this is the first time I KNOW of him cheating,so I am giving him a chance to redeem himself.We moved away from Reno,I have his phone,I take him to and from work,I am right there when he is on computer,he has to walk the straight and narrow,I deserve thar from him.Plus,he put us in the poor house with his firing and gambling,we are in a new state where I have not found a job,and I have a daughter to get through college on his paychecks,so even though I loathe him for what he did,I need to stay.With a baby,and being so young,you have more options to leave him if he does not straighten up and you have more chances to rebuild your life and find a decent ,monogamous man.Just do not be blind and hopeul like I was that my husband would never cheat ,lie,or hurt his family. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Whoa....paragraphs OP, if hubby isn't acknowledging your marriage, especially after having been together as a couple for so long, he's either very immature or has already "left". Just so you're aware, a man can slow down his pace to stay with his lady. I sometimes end up behind mine because, well, I like watching her walk I've never had the pleasure of being a father, but I'm often the designated sherpa for babies/car seats/carriers when out with lady friends/relatives. I love babies Hubby can learn to do this too. Just tell him it's "his turn". Link to post Share on other sites
Author just1girl Posted February 22, 2008 Author Share Posted February 22, 2008 With a baby,and being so young,you have more options to leave him if he does not straighten up and you have more chances to rebuild your life and find a decent ,monogamous man.Just do not be blind and hopeul like I was that my husband would never cheat ,lie,or hurt his family. I DO think that I'm still young enough to leave if he doesn't straighten up. But with every woman that wants to leave, there is also fear. Fear of being alone, fear of not being able to provide for my child, fear of having no family support....etc. I'm 1 1/2 years shy of getting my degree. And I'm STILL hopeful that he will change, it's one of the few reasons why I haven't left, but like you said, some men will never change. I have done everything for him. I guess I'm still too proud to leave the marriage and tell my family that they were right about him; in the sense that they believed marrying outside my race will cause nothing but conflicts and result in a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I DO think that I'm still young enough to leave if he doesn't straighten up. But with every woman that wants to leave, there is also fear. Fear of being alone, fear of not being able to provide for my child, fear of having no family support....etc. I'm 1 1/2 years shy of getting my degree. And I'm STILL hopeful that he will change, it's one of the few reasons why I haven't left, but like you said, some men will never change. I have done everything for him. I guess I'm still too proud to leave the marriage and tell my family that they were right about him; in the sense that they believed marrying outside my race will cause nothing but conflicts and result in a divorce. Well if you don't say anything to him, he is not going to change. He still may not change even after you talk to him. He may just try to hide it better. If you are not going to leave him right now, then talk to him and see if he decides to change. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I guess I'm still too proud to leave the marriage and tell my family that they were right about him; in the sense that they believed marrying outside my race will cause nothing but conflicts and result in a divorce. D-bags come in all colors. Link to post Share on other sites
Author just1girl Posted February 22, 2008 Author Share Posted February 22, 2008 Whoa....paragraphs OP, if hubby isn't acknowledging your marriage, especially after having been together as a couple for so long, he's either very immature or has already "left". Just so you're aware, a man can slow down his pace to stay with his lady. I sometimes end up behind mine because, well, I like watching her walk I've never had the pleasure of being a father, but I'm often the designated sherpa for babies/car seats/carriers when out with lady friends/relatives. I love babies Hubby can learn to do this too. Just tell him it's "his turn". Your comment made me smile. I know that not all guys are like my husband and that many will compromise with their wives/girlfriends. I'm hoping I can get him to go to counseling with me as a chance to redeem himself; when I guess, I am finally fed up with everything. We usually get into an argument when I tell him it's his "turn" to take the baby carseat because he gives me an ugly look like "why can't you take it?" It makes me sad writing about it because I don't understand why he wouldn't want to help carry his own child. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 He sounds really, really horrible. I'd D the guy. He makes you WALK BEHIND him and CARRY the baby, baby bag and car seat! How incredibly disrespectful...that's just horrible. And to make that even more offensive, you are really petite and he is really tall and you're the one loaded down with the bags n everythin! What a gentleman, lol! Seriously, WTF? He is treating you like complete trash. And saying he is single online - that is 100% NOT normal. He is probably already cheatin or lookin to cheat on you....and anyway even if he isnt, he should be so proud of you and the new baby, but he hides you. You sound like a sweetie - he absolutely does not deserve you and YOU deserve a hell of a lot better. And hey if you know he'll never leave you, as you said, then lay the law down and stop all this crap from happenin... Link to post Share on other sites
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