Childless by choice (and getting crap for it)

[shanny]

I wanted to see if anyone has opinions on this... I'm a 27 year old female and I do not want children. Ever. I am happy with this decision but I get so much grief from other people saying that "you'll change your mind" or "you'll never experience true joy unless you have a child" or even worse "you are not truly a woman unless you experience childbirth". These things are so hurtful and make me incredibly angry.

 

Now I know have a child is supposedly amazing, but it's not for me. I am an animal rights activist and crazy animal lover and want to focus my life and my motherly instincts on taking care of animals in need. (And anyone who has ever held a puppy should know that having a child is NOT the only true joy in life!) I've known this about myself at a very young age... as young as 12 or 13. Isn't it better to know this about myself and not have a child, than to conform and have one for the wrong reasons? Why can't people accept this? Anyone else out there going through this too?

[amaysngrace]

It's your life and nobody should tell you how to live it. That's just out of line.

 

I have kids and I have a dog who is still a puppy. And I can honestly say that the puppy is every bit as much work as having a baby. The only difference is a dog will not mentally mature past the age of about a five year old child.

 

My kids are now a little bit older and are becoming more independent. My dog will never get that way. So which is really harder to take care of?

[Pyro]

I wanted to see if anyone has opinions on this... I'm a 27 year old female and I do not want children. Ever. I am happy with this decision but I get so much grief from other people saying that "you'll change your mind" or "you'll never experience true joy unless you have a child" or even worse "you are not truly a woman unless you experience childbirth". These things are so hurtful and make me incredibly angry.

 

Now I know have a child is supposedly amazing, but it's not for me. I am an animal rights activist and crazy animal lover and want to focus my life and my motherly instincts on taking care of animals in need. (And anyone who has ever held a puppy should know that having a child is NOT the only true joy in life!) I've known this about myself at a very young age... as young as 12 or 13. Isn't it better to know this about myself and not have a child, than to conform and have one for the wrong reasons? Why can't people accept this? Anyone else out there going through this too?

 

Some people can't accept it because its out of the norm. You will get people judging you until the day you die, so you are going to have to learn to ignore what they are saying.

 

I agree with you that having a child is not for everyone.

[marlena]

I am happy with this decision but I get so much grief from other people saying that "you'll change your mind" or "you'll never experience true joy unless you have a child" or even worse "you are not truly a woman unless you experience childbirth".

 

 

You have the right to do with your life as you please.

 

You shouldn't conform to what society expects of you. If you, yourself, do not feel the desire to have them, then, you shouldn't have them. Many happy people I know have chosen not to have children and are perfectly happy.

 

This said, however, I am very happy to have had my daughter. I wish I had had more children. But that's just me. I don't know what I would feel if I hadn't had any children. It's a non -reality for me. Thus, I can not speak from that perspective.

 

Whatever the case may be, people's choices should be respected. Statements like "you will not experience joy and you are not a woman is a load of bunk."

 

Now, whether you will regret or not one day, no one can say for sure, not even you. All you can do is base your decision on how you feel today.

 

Having children to please society is a wrong reason to have children.

[EnigmaXOXO]

First of all, don’t allow other people’s opinions about what constitutes the “joy of being a woman” get to you so much. Too many people popping out babies these days like pez dispensers who can’t even take care of them. Giving birth is easy, but being a good parent requires more than most people are willing to sacrifice once the deed is done.

 

I do not want children. Ever.

 

Then for gawd’s sake, don’t have them just because someone tells you that being a woman means you should want them. Not even by accident! If somewhere down the road you should ever change your mind than that’s absolutely do-able. YOUR body ... YOUR choice.

 

Meanwhile, you might feel a little better knowing that more and more busy couples these days are opting not to raise families. Especially when both are busy pursuing their careers and don’t have the time necessary for children without hiring a nanny to act as a surrogate parent for them. Which is exactly why the pet business is booming these days.

[shanny]

You guys are all right... It is my choice. I just don't understand why people have to be so judgemental about this. It just sucks to be suck a minority. To have a totally different mindset from 99% of the population can make me a little paranoid and defensive. The hardest thing for me is not spouting off when someone says something like that. I just want to let them have it but I can't. Oh well.

[quankanne]

I'm looking at the same situation from a different angle, as I've never been able to get pregnant. As much as I enjoy kids, I'm not going to drive myself nuts just because we can't have any, you know? I figure if it's meant to be, it'll happen … though I've threatened DH that if he knocks me up with a menopause baby, I'll kill him, the thought of trying to parent at THAT particular stage in life scares the hell out of me, but in all fairness, if it happens, it happens.

 

surprisingly enough, I've not been pressured about it, and I'm grateful, because like you, that's something personal that others have no business sticking their nose in. I know people believe they're trying to help, but frankly, they need to butt out.

 

my suggestion is to be abrupt and ask them why it's so important to THEM that YOU must have kids, then point out that if this were something you were interested in, you'd pursue it, end of discussion.

[Quinch]

You could try tellling people you're gay - that should get them off your back. I believe there are groups for the childfree (as opposed to simply childless). You should be able to find them online.

[Quinch]

http://www.nokidding.net

[Pyro]

You could tell them that you have tried, but you are physically unable to have children. That should shut them up.

[openingup]

Right there with you on this one, Shanny! I also figured out that I had no interest in having children at a young age. I was married right after undergrad and my H and I were hounded mercilessly about providing grandchildren for our parents and generally getting with the program to procreate like everyone else.

 

It sucked and we hated it. To avoid having this nightmare follow as 24/7 until our childbearing years were over, we devised a cunning plan. Since it's nobody's business but yours and you probably don't want to argue with people over it, when they start in on "whne are you going to have kids?" or "why don't you have kids?" look down and say in a voice that can barely be heard, "We can't", while sadly shaking your head.

 

It works like a charm. People shut up fast, leave you alone and - as a bonus - feel like crap for bringing it up. (Which they should because it was nosy and presumptuous to begin with.) We're much older now and no one asks anymore, but our friends still howl when they recall our acting job.

[Trimmer]

To have a totally different mindset from 99% of the population can make me a little paranoid and defensive.

Well, I'm a parent, but I respect people who make a choice not to have kids, and I realize that this is a personal choice as in many other areas of life, and it shouldn't be up for public debate for anyone to pick away at you. I hope it's not 99% of people out there who are arrogant and unthinking in this way, but it may seem like that when they are rubbing you the wrong way all the time...

 

You could tell them that you have tried, but you are physically unable to have children. That should shut them up.

 

Right there with you on this one, Shanny! I also figured out that I had no interest in having children at a young age. I was married right after undergrad and my H and I were hounded mercilessly about providing grandchildren for our parents and generally getting with the program to procreate like everyone else.

 

It sucked and we hated it. To avoid having this nightmare follow as 24/7 until our childbearing years were over, we devised a cunning plan. Since it's nobody's business but yours and you probably don't want to argue with people over it, when they start in on "whne are you going to have kids?" or "why don't you have kids?" look down and say in a voice that can barely be heard, "We can't", while sadly shaking your head.

 

It works like a charm. People shut up fast, leave you alone and - as a bonus - feel like crap for bringing it up. (Which they should because it was nosy and presumptuous to begin with.) We're much older now and no one asks anymore, but our friends still howl when they recall our acting job.

On one hand, this could be useful, but on the other hand, isn't it still bending yourself and conforming to society's expectations? Part of the aggravation is having to mold yourself to others' expectations of how you should feel - what you should want. So by doing this, the OP would be pretending to agree, pretending that she wants the same thing, and is simply prevented from getting it.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do this - if you don't really care about making a stand and you want to just get them off your back and move on and this works for you, then it's perfect.

 

It's just that if the OP is bothered by the expectation that she should change her views, then this is somewhat like giving in to that (although not as involved as actually having kids!) in that she is pretending that she does have those different views (i.e. wants to have kids) but is prevented by something outside her control.

 

I think the key is not to allow youself to get either defensive or arrogant in return. Remember why you made this decision, and that you are happy and confident in your life.

 

Really a lot of people with kids probably wish sometimes that they could take a break from them, although they instinctively feel it would be wrong to admit that. I think their going on about how wonderful it is partly serves to convince themselves that they made the right decision, when they see you enjoying your kid-free life. Remember that, and it may take some of the sting out of it.

 

So be confident, but not arrogant in reply (it won't serve to turn it into an argument...) and let them know it is a thoughtful, personal decision - just as personal as the kind of birth control they use or any other area of their life that they would not like to be up for public debate, and that you are doing fine in the life you have chosen.

[Pyro]

On one hand, this could be useful, but on the other hand, isn't it still bending yourself and conforming to society's expectations? Part of the aggravation is having to mold yourself to others' expectations of how you should feel - what you should want. So by doing this, the OP would be pretending to agree, pretending that she wants the same thing, and is simply prevented from getting it.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do this - if you don't really care about making a stand and you want to just get them off your back and move on and this works for you, then it's perfect.

 

It's just that if the OP is bothered by the expectation that she should change her views, then this is somewhat like giving in to that (although not as involved as actually having kids!) in that she is pretending that she does have those different views (i.e. wants to have kids) but is prevented by something outside her control.

 

I think the key is not to allow youself to get either defensive or arrogant in return. Remember why you made this decision, and that you are happy and confident in your life.

 

Really a lot of people with kids probably wish sometimes that they could take a break from them, although they instinctively feel it would be wrong to admit that. I think their going on about how wonderful it is partly serves to convince themselves that they made the right decision, when they see you enjoying your kid-free life. Remember that, and it may take some of the sting out of it.

 

So be confident, but not arrogant in reply (it won't serve to turn it into an argument...) and let them know it is a thoughtful, personal decision - just as personal as the kind of birth control they use or any other area of their life that they would not like to be up for public debate, and that you are doing fine in the life you have chosen.

 

I was being only half serious when I gave my response.

 

My first choice would still be to just learn to ignore them and/or tell them to mind their own business.

[blind_otter]

I dunno. I think that when you have a strong conviction and make a choice, what other people say about that choice doesn't and shouldn't really matter. Just shrug off what they say, let it roll off. It's your life and you have to live it and deal with the consequences.

 

No need to dissemble or make up stories. If you find those comments hurtful, reframe them - I highly doubt they are coming from an aggressive standpoint. For the most part, I think people are speaking from their own belief system, rather than directly trying to make you feel bad about your decision.

[lost4ever]

Hey, I get crap all the time (29, don't want kids) Just last week went to get taxes done and had to hear from the male accountant about how we need to have a kid. My mom's sweet answer now that everyone ask me when I will be a good wife and give my H a child....she says Oh she's too selfish to have a child (geez, thanks mom!)

 

I could go on and on...but I'll stop before I get too worked up!

[quankanne]

*smile*

 

coworker once told me that when she and her husband got married, a certain priest we work with kept bugging them and finally she said, "I don't know why it's not working, we're f**king like mad little bunnies!" and that shut him up.

 

maybe you should tell them that you're it's enough fun practicing ...

[whichwayisup]

One way to shut people up is say, I am not able to get pregnant.

[CaliGuy]

Some people just don't want kids and there's NOTHING wrong with that.

 

Besides, who cares what other people think??? It's YOUR life to live, not theirs.

[SOS_Please]

Hey Shanny, I'm right there with you.

 

I'm 23 and have known since I was a child (about 12) that I never wanted children OR to get married. I mean, maybe one day I will foster (and that's a BIG "maybe"), but I never want any of my own.

 

You wouldn't believe the crap I've gotten for it--well, actually, maybe you would.

 

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, tells me that I'm too pretty not to date and that I am to caring not to be a mother; it's rather sickening. I mean, my looks should have no impact on whether or not I date. One guy who asked me out just the other week told me that something must be wrong with me because I didn't have a boyfriend, and I wouldn't say yes to him.

 

 

LOL, sorry, I digress...

 

Anyway, regarding motherhood: all my friends tell me I'll have children when I find the right man and marry him. LOL, when people ask what's wrong with me that I don't date or want children, I tell them it's because 90% of men I meet are dead-beats, and I would rather die than take a chance of birthing one of their off-spring.

 

Or I tell them that I don't want a parasite (sp?) living off of me for 9 months.

 

Haha, course, I don't really believe latter (that children are parasites), but the shock of that kind of response usually shuts them up.

 

[Crestfallen_KH]

I don't want children either. I never have.

 

Now that I'm divorced from a man whom nobody could convince me would ever cheat, I'm even more grateful that we didn't have them.

 

For the most part, I find that other women are more curious than judgmental. I did have one woman, once, ask me "Well, what other purpose is there to your life??" That's it. She was a twit anyway.

 

For the most part, I get pseudo-to-genuine admiration from other women because I actually thought about this and they either didn't or had unexpected pregnancies while young, curiousity as to why and perhaps some respect, or relative indifference.

 

I find that men, for the most part, don't say anything other than "Oh, well I know for sure I want kids" at which point they go their way and I go mine.

Edited February 21, 2008 by Crestfallen_KH
missing text

[Letranger]

Good for you Shanny! Only you can make yourself happy!

 

Don't have kids if you don't want them! You might end up getting divorced and then be stuck with some know-it-all know nothing or some drug addict kid.

 

And are these the same people that think you should only get married to have kids? I wonder what people think about that?

[nashua]

I'm right there with y'all too. I'm 31, don't want kids and have known for about 10 years now. It boggles my mind why so many others are concerned about it, and how much harrassment we recieve for the choice we make. Mostly, it comes from my parents. My mother basically considers me a failure for not wanting children. She thinks until i marry and reproduce I will remain "unstable" and continues to say how I should really consider "settling down." Settle down?? I have been in an LTR for over 3 years now, have a somewhat okay job (enough to get by) plans on going back to school, and a resonably enjoyable life.

 

My brother just had a baby 6 months ago. He has changed into the most self-righteous judgemental person i know and continues to mention "his family" "his wife" and how he is a"father" now and certain things are just not appropirate anymore because of "the family"

 

Barf.

 

Another crappy thing about it that i'm coming to realize as most of my friends are getting married and having kids, is that you lose friends. Parents stikc with other parents. they have so much in common at that point, wheras the single/non parent person seems to be looked at as careless and irresponsible.

 

So yeah, I feel ya. Stick up for your choice though. Don't hide behind the "we can't" excuse. Be proud you live outside the box and Go and enjoy your childless life.

 

Check out the book "Baby Not on Board. A celebration of life without children". I haven't read it but have heard about it.

 

Aggh, I feel better getting that off my chest. Thanks for that