He called me stupid but apologized. Now what?

[EyeAlone]

The other night, my boyfriend had a couple of drinks and we were talking about a movie. He asked me a question about it and I misunderstood him, but I answered anyway. Then he said, “Why do you say that, stupid?” I asked him to restate his question and once I found out what he meant, I said oops and that I didn’t mean what I said. But I also told him not to call me stupid. He said that he called me stupid because I had implied that he was stupid based upon my response. We argued for a couple of minutes and then I ended it by saying that this is why I am sometimes scared of voicing my opinion: I’m worried that people will shoot me down. He knows this because I’ve told him this before.

 

I cried for a while and later told him that I was sorry that I made him feel stupid. He told me to be quiet and not say that I’m sorry. He said that he doesn’t want me to feel scared of voicing my opinion. He went on to say that he was sorry for calling me stupid; he only thought that my statement was stupid, but not me.

 

Even after the apologies, I still feel bad and I don’t know why. Things seem to be going back to normalcy between us, I guess but I just feel weird and sad. I don’t know what to do.

[Ocean-Blue]

The other night, my boyfriend had a couple of drinks and we were talking about a movie. He asked me a question about it and I misunderstood him, but I answered anyway. Then he said, “Why do you say that, stupid?” I asked him to restate his question and once I found out what he meant, I said oops and that I didn’t mean what I said. But I also told him not to call me stupid. He said that he called me stupid because I had implied that he was stupid based upon my response. We argued for a couple of minutes and then I ended it by saying that this is why I am sometimes scared of voicing my opinion: I’m worried that people will shoot me down. He knows this because I’ve told him this before.

 

I cried for a while and later told him that I was sorry that I made him feel stupid. He told me to be quiet and not say that I’m sorry. He said that he doesn’t want me to feel scared of voicing my opinion. He went on to say that he was sorry for calling me stupid; he only thought that my statement was stupid, but not me.

 

Even after the apologies, I still feel bad and I don’t know why. Things seem to be going back to normalcy between us, I guess but I just feel weird and sad. I don’t know what to do.

 

Him calling you stupid must've reinforced some feelings you have of yourself. You said you're afraid to voice your opinions b/c of what others might think...and him calling you what he did affirmed that fear. But he has apologized sincerely and explained that he did not mean it, right? It'll take a little while, but you'll get over it. Don't let this incident stop you from voicing your feelings.

[Florida]

It sounds like it was not an abusive attack.

It sounds like his defenses went up because he thought that you were impyling that, then he retaliated.

 

But it is good you told him that is unacceptable.

 

Sometimes these things happen when couples are getting to know eachother's hot buttons.

 

You told him not to say that, he apologized and said he did not want you to not voice your opinion.

 

I think it is fine, unless he does it again. I can understand it feels like cold water being thrown in your face, these things aren't pleasant, but sometimes guys do say stupid things.

 

Maybe be a little more withdrawn than normal, not cold, just not as available emotionally for a day or 2, it will stick in his mind more through your actions.

 

Then again, if you think that is too much, then don't, but maybe just have a little talk about what phrases you find acceptable.

 

Some guys were one way with their ex, and will keep being that way unless you TELL him what is and isn't okay. It would be nice if they knew, but then they may be smooth operators, which is another bowl of problems!

 

Good luck, it sounds like he is a good guy, he talked about it, and came to an understanding, so that is good too.