I really need for what i stand to lose

[Beens]

hello

 

Ive been married 13 years but have not been in love for the past 5. I met another man 2 years ago and now i want to leave my husband to be with him. Im just so terrified of losing everything but i have to tell him ive been having an affair. I know he will go ballistic tho and threaten to take everything away from me. Can he do this? Could i lose everything? Any advice that anybody can give will be really appreciated

 

Thankyou

[Chrome Barracuda]

hello

 

Ive been married 13 years but have not been in love for the past 5. I met another man 2 years ago and now i want to leave my husband to be with him. Im just so terrified of losing everything but i have to tell him ive been having an affair. I know he will go ballistic tho and threaten to take everything away from me. Can he do this? Could i lose everything? Any advice that anybody can give will be really appreciated

 

Thankyou

 

Hmmm oh well you should have thought about those consequences before you cheated.

 

You should just tell the truth and whatever happens happens, because once you get tired of the OM you'll cheat on him too.

 

Same old story, same old women with the same old problems. Go to the OW board.

 

Sorry I couldnt be much help.

[guessjeans]

You will lose everything in the sense of what you now consider to be safe, and maybe too comfortable. Your life as it is now, will be gone forever. Man if I could shake ppl to realize that what they are doing is going to effect them for the rest of their lives.

 

You have to know that the odds of this affair lasting is very slim. And i know I cant tell you anything negative about this affair, because you are focused on this man and the way he makes you feel, but this isnt life you are living! You are getting the best of him right now, and him the best of you.

 

Think about this for a second....The man you are in love with, knows and allowed himself to get involved with a woman he knows goes home every night to a man that has no idea what you are doing. Are you crawling into bed with your husband every night?? Sex or not..he feels the safety of you being there every night..and whether you admit it yourself or not, you do too.

 

What does that say about his morals and values? Is he married too??

 

The chances are you will live to regret this. The odds of this relationship working starting the way it has, is very highly unlikely. You could be left alone, by yourself, and your now husband ,will have moved on with a woman he can trust, and loves ,and then you will want that back...believe me..years from now, you will. You cant see that now, but you will.

 

He will never trust you again. He will go over everything you have done, everything you have said in the last 2 yrs and go over it over and over and over again to see what he missed...then get that kick in the stomach feeling when he realizes..oh god, she was with him that night..or thats why she did what she did, and he will go on feeling like a fool loving you and caring for you, when all along, you were with someone else.

 

There is abviously problems in your marriage, but why do ppl stop communicating when the problems start, we kiss and making up and sweep the problem under the rug, only to be brought up again, to hurt us all over again the next time. Our hurt has a layed on effect. We just keep piling on the pain and hurt and never address it, until it is too late.

 

You think that losing material things is your biggest problem right now?? Think again! This choice will effect you for the rest of your life...and I am not kidding when I see the statistics on this type of relationship...but you think yours isnt going to end up like that, right??

[carhill]

Welcome.

 

Some questions:

 

What is your age range (don't be precise, like mid 30's, for example)?

 

How long after you met the other man (OM) did your "affair" start?

 

What type of affair is it? EA (emotional affair) or PA (physical affair)?

 

Any children?

 

Have either of you ever been in marriage or singular therapy?

 

Any life-altering events (other than the affair) in the recent past?

 

Is your husband aware you haven't been "in love" with him for the past 5 years?

 

My quick answer is to be honest with your husband (regarding your infidelity, but not in detail), but I'm often accused of seeing things as black and white, so will try some gray today

[PinkRibbon]

I agree 100% with Barracuda on this one. You cheated and still cheat on your husband so you deserve anything that comes down the pipeline at ya. You are more worried about your possessions that the feeling of your husband who has been with you for 13 years. Not good.

[willodeewisp]

Hmmm oh well you should have thought about those consequences before you cheated.

 

You should just tell the truth and whatever happens happens, because once you get tired of the OM you'll cheat on him too.

 

Same old story, same old women with the same old problems. Go to the OW board.

 

Sorry I couldnt be much help.

 

Why do you bother replying to these posts when all you have are bitter, sarcastic, critical comments to make. These are no good to anyone, and if you feel you need to make these remarks then stay away from posts where people are hurting, and actually do need advice and compassion.

Edited February 21, 2008 by willodeewisp

[Curmudgeon]

Ive been married 13 years but have not been in love for the past 5. I met another man 2 years ago and now i want to leave my husband to be with him. Im just so terrified of losing everything but i have to tell him ive been having an affair. I know he will go ballistic tho and threaten to take everything away from me. Can he do this? Could i lose everything? Any advice that anybody can give will be really appreciated.

 

Exactly what kind of advice are you looking for? As for what he can take and what he can't, that's strictly up to the laws of your state. if you live in a community property state (there are only nine of them) then behavior makes no difference. You'd still be entitled to half the common assets acquired since the marriage.

 

If you're looking for advice on the marriage, it's likely too late. What you've done is a done deal. If you're looking for legal advice then I suggest you have a consultation with an attorney in your state.

[Chrome Barracuda]

 

Why do you bother replying to these posts when all you have are bitter, sarcastic, critical comments to make. These are no good to anyone, and if you feel you need to make these remarks then stay away from posts where people are hurting, and actually do need advice and compassion.

 

Hurting?!?!?!?!?!?

 

WTF are you talking about arent you the same woman who chased after a man who just used you as a sperm recepticle and you called him your boyfriend while you was still married? Arent you the same woman who only wanted to work on her marriage when that same man who you was cheating with left you?

 

Give me a an F-ing break!

 

You inflict pain by your selfish actions,

 

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT F-ING PAIN IS!!!!

 

Yeah I could keep my mouth shut but then again, people who cheat and go through life messing up people's lives never truly see the consequences of their actions. until someone points it out to them. I'm only speaking the truth. If you can't deal with it! tough!

 

Pain? You made it pain when you cheating, you brought this on yourself!

 

And you expect me to have sympathy to you, compassion to a person who brings pain? Is that what you want? Compassion? Sympathy? an ear to listen?

 

I myself has been on the receiving end for a long time and trust me. What I say in my post is real mild and respectful then how I really feel. If onyl the mods can stop shielding you from really receiving what people would really write then you would understand.

 

But let's not go there. Cheating is a conscious choice. Bottom line.

 

My purpose is to make you aware of that.

[carhill]

Guess we likely won't see the OP again

 

CB is right, infidelity is a conscious choice that has consequences. My journey is that of coming to understand there is a world of people out there who don't understand what those consequences are. As my wife often says, I overestimate people. Hence the questions, rhetorical as they might sound.

 

If I'm reading the OP's tone accurately, I don't think they have any idea what they're in for...

[Chrome Barracuda]

I know right,

 

It's always about how can I protect myself. I dont want to ruin things, Or I dont want to lose my family. I will still want my OM as a friend.

 

Please that is such utter crap, and I'm getting sick and tired of it. If your grown enough to cheat, be grown enough to own it.

 

It's never about healing the betrayed one, or wanting to make it better. or I messed up my family how can I get my kids not to hate me.

 

There are always represcussions. I'm not on this board to pick on people. That is not my sole purpose.

 

I dont see any hint of remorse coming from wayward spouses and you expect people to be nice about it? Please cut the crap!

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Before doing anything..... ask yourself "why did I go to someone else for love/affection/attention, etc.?" These reasons are significant to you and what is lacking in your marriage. Is it possible to get it back? Maybe.

 

But, listen to your heart. You gave yourself reasons to do what you did, now you need to figure out what is most important in your life.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I understand where she's coming from pink. I absolutely do.

 

I understand why she lashed out at me. But she needs to understand that when you do something as bad as cheating other people do get hurt.

 

People will be damaged and bruised behind it. Her actions have lasting reprecussions soulfully then they do not otherwise. To ignore what she's doing and how she's hurting others in her path is to remain oblivious.

 

I'm not gonna hold my tounge because she cant accept the truth. All she needs to do is man up and admit she was wrong. All she is doing is trying to cover her own ass by continuing to lie about things, thus making them worse.

[Mr. Lucky]

hello

 

Ive been married 13 years but have not been in love for the past 5. I met another man 2 years ago and now i want to leave my husband to be with him. Im just so terrified of losing everything but i have to tell him ive been having an affair. I know he will go ballistic tho and threaten to take everything away from me. Can he do this? Could i lose everything? Any advice that anybody can give will be really appreciated

 

Thankyou

 

I'm always struck by the same thought when I read this kind of post. Beens, at one point, you must have loved your Husband. One would assume, for the first 8 years of your relationship, based on your post. And yet, when that changed, you simply turned to another.

 

Why wouldn't you think that the same thing would happen again? That, despite your love for this new man now, one day you'll fall out of love with him. Will you cheat again? Just move from one failed relationship to another?

 

Doesn't strike me as the road to success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Findingme]

 

Why do you bother replying to these posts when all you have are bitter, sarcastic, critical comments to make. These are no good to anyone, and if you feel you need to make these remarks then stay away from posts where people are hurting, and actually do need advice and compassion.

THANK YOU!!! Gawd this gets so ridiculas with the slams... Alot of rage going on in here!!!!!

Edited February 22, 2008 by Findingme
content

[Elena62]

I know right,

 

It's always about how can I protect myself. I dont want to ruin things, Or I dont want to lose my family. I will still want my OM as a friend.

 

Please that is such utter crap, and I'm getting sick and tired of it. If your grown enough to cheat, be grown enough to own it.

 

It's never about healing the betrayed one, or wanting to make it better. or I messed up my family how can I get my kids not to hate me.

 

There are always represcussions. I'm not on this board to pick on people. That is not my sole purpose.

 

I dont see any hint of remorse coming from wayward spouses and you expect people to be nice about it? Please cut the crap!

 

I have to agree with this. I only agree because I've lived with my H infidelity for years and all the crap that goes with it. I tried by best to reach him and to do everything possible to save my marriage - in the end I turned away from it at his request. I'm legally separated, heading for divorce. But I still did a wrong thing by getting involved with another MM towards the end of my long standing relationship. I've rectified this, for ME, because in the future it will affect the person that I am and my furture interactions with friends/lovers/family.

 

So, from both sides of the fence all we need is a reality check, that's all. And honesty to self is the best thing all around, it's tough, but it helps a person grow and learn acceptance.

 

CB, I think you're misunderstood by many. You sound angry sometimes and to others on here that can come across as rudeness. I like what you have to say, it's tough to read but life is tough!

 

I'm sorry you had to go through pain yourself.

 

But I have to state this, those that cheat have to take responsibility for their actions - it's called finding your personal integrity and maintaining it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

THANK YOU!!! Gawd this gets so ridiculas with the slams... Alot of rage going on in here!!!!!

 

Compassion...

 

Where was compassion when the cheating spuse emasculates the other?

 

Compassion is a nice term to throw out there when the cheater wants mercy for their actions but do they deserve compassion when they continue to inflict pain on others. is compassion feasable then?

 

I do not slam anyone on these boards because I'm mean or vindictive. I am only coming from my standpoint. I think deep down you know what your doing aint right but then you dont want anyone to tell you about it.

 

People tend to shy away from the truth when they are commiting wrongs against others.

 

I'm sorry. but that's just the way it is.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I have to agree with this. I only agree because I've lived with my H infidelity for years and all the crap that goes with it. I tried by best to reach him and to do everything possible to save my marriage - in the end I turned away from it at his request. I'm legally separated, heading for divorce. But I still did a wrong thing by getting involved with another MM towards the end of my long standing relationship. I've rectified this, for ME, because in the future it will affect the person that I am and my furture interactions with friends/lovers/family.

 

So, from both sides of the fence all we need is a reality check, that's all. And honesty to self is the best thing all around, it's tough, but it helps a person grow and learn acceptance.

 

CB, I think you're misunderstood by many. You sound angry sometimes and to others on here that can come across as rudeness. I like what you have to say, it's tough to read but life is tough!

 

I'm sorry you had to go through pain yourself.

 

But I have to state this, those that cheat have to take responsibility for their actions - it's called finding your personal integrity and maintaining it.

 

Thank you. See and you was woman enough to cheat, but in the end didnt you take resaponsiblity for it and fly right. Wasnt that feeling of self respect the best?

 

I know how easy it is to breake things and ruin things but it's harder work to fly right.

 

People think I'm angry? lol.....lmao..

 

That's really funny.

[Beens]

look my husband works till late at night and hes never there for the kids and he is becoming an old man. Im 31 and he is 44 and the man ive met is 29. Me and the OM have had to have an abortion 6 months ago and that brought us closer. The OM lost his mum to cancer and she was young and thats when we got closer. Its a very physical affair. I married my husband when i was 19 but ive changed over the last few years and the feelings i have for the OM are those ive never had before. I need advice on what i stand to lose in the UK. I know that it has been wrong of me to have this affair and i feel terrible for it but this OM is my true love and i have to be with him. He tells me that im the one for him and i believe him because there is a special bond that we have. I truely believe that what ive got with the OM is a one in a million relationship and i have to be with him. I met him 3 years ago when i was a childminder looking after his only daughter. I have two children that he loves and they get on really well with him. Can somebody please answer this question. Will i lose everything if I tell him ive had an affair with another man???

[carhill]

barrister....really, that's what you need. Sounds like the marriage has been over for a long time. He or she can give you accurate answers as to what your risks/rewards are ending the marriage, both financially and with regard to your children.

 

To answer your question, no, you will not lose "everything", but only you can decide what is significant to you.

 

Assuming you reside in the UK, if the UK has adultery laws, I'd be very careful proceeding.

[onmyownagain]

look my husband works till late at night and hes never there for the kids and he is becoming an old man. Im 31 and he is 44 and the man ive met is 29. Me and the OM have had to have an abortion 6 months ago and that brought us closer. The OM lost his mum to cancer and she was young and thats when we got closer. Its a very physical affair. I married my husband when i was 19 but ive changed over the last few years and the feelings i have for the OM are those ive never had before. I need advice on what i stand to lose in the UK. I know that it has been wrong of me to have this affair and i feel terrible for it but this OM is my true love and i have to be with him. He tells me that im the one for him and i believe him because there is a special bond that we have. I truely believe that what ive got with the OM is a one in a million relationship and i have to be with him. I met him 3 years ago when i was a childminder looking after his only daughter. I have two children that he loves and they get on really well with him. Can somebody please answer this question. Will i lose everything if I tell him ive had an affair with another man???

 

The affair wont be taken into account in the UK. If you aren't working and you have children then I expect the court will give you the house until both kids leave school.

 

You husband will have to pay maintenence for the kids and possibly sposal maintenence to you.

 

If he starts the divorce things will be sorted quickly, if he doesn't then you may have to wait up to 5 years if he doesn't play ball to get your decree nisi. Your finances wont be sorted until this point.

 

I am not a solicitor, just a husband looking at the divorce side for me and ex.

[Beens]

Welcome.

 

Some questions:

 

What is your age range (don't be precise, like mid 30's, for example)?

 

How long after you met the other man (OM) did your "affair" start?

 

What type of affair is it? EA (emotional affair) or PA (physical affair)?

 

Any children?

 

Have either of you ever been in marriage or singular therapy?

 

Any life-altering events (other than the affair) in the recent past?

 

Is your husband aware you haven't been "in love" with him for the past 5 years?

 

My quick answer is to be honest with your husband (regarding your infidelity, but not in detail), but I'm often accused of seeing things as black and white, so will try some gray today

 

My age range is early 30's and my husbands is mid 40s.

 

18 months after i met the OM the affair started

 

Its both an emotional and a physical affair

 

I have 2 children, 9 and 10 years respectively

 

This is my husbands second marriage

 

No life altering events

 

Hes aware that ive fallen out of love with him i told him 8 months ago at which hes tried to make an effort and ive tried to love him but no matter how hard he tries and i try to love him i just dont feel for him anymore

[guessjeans]

Of course you cant love him..you are in love and focused on someone else. Do that man a favour and put him out of his misery and stop making a fool out of him. My god, do you have no self respect left? This is a very selfish thing you are doing, and although I dont care really what you do, or what happens to you down the road, karma and all that...you are making a fool out of that man! Wait until you tell him or he finds out!

 

I can only imagine what you will do to his self respect, his self confidence. Nobody deserves this..nobody! Short of physical abuse, nobody deserves this.

 

Stop thinking about you, and how all this is going to impact you! Start thinking about how your choices, your decent, your lies, are going to impact your husband and your children. What do you think your children are going to think about you now, and down the road when they are old enough to know what has happened!

 

All they will know is Mommy did something bad, and now we dont live with daddy anymore. Oh, and yeah, daddy is really mad at mommy. And all you can think about is how all this is going to impact you?

 

Get a reality check! Give that man and your children back their self respect, and for god sake, tell him! and stop playing him as a fool!

[Curmudgeon]

look my husband works till late at night and hes never there for the kids and he is becoming an old man. Im 31 and he is 44 and the man ive met is 29.

 

Now we get to the root of the matter. You're an ageist. You knew he was 13 years your senior when you took up with him. He was good enough for you to bed and have children with then but not now. You want some younger meat.

 

Will i lose everything if I tell him ive had an affair with another man???

 

I HOPE SO!

 

By the way, I'm 61. By your reackoning I must be dead already, and have been. I'd love to be around when your 45th birthday hits, and I'll likely survive until then. It will be fun to watch you whither up and blow away because you'll be so ancient in another 14 years.

[carhill]

Thanks OMOA, it looks like the OP won't suffer markedly in the superficial sense, but non-legal issues may end up being painful. BTW, so I get it right, is a solicitor for civil matters and a barrister for criminal ones? For some reason, I had "A Fish called Wanda" running through my head

[Chrome Barracuda]

look my husband works till late at night and hes never there for the kids and he is becoming an old man. Im 31 and he is 44 and the man ive met is 29. Me and the OM have had to have an abortion 6 months ago and that brought us closer. The OM lost his mum to cancer and she was young and thats when we got closer. Its a very physical affair. I married my husband when i was 19 but ive changed over the last few years and the feelings i have for the OM are those ive never had before. I need advice on what i stand to lose in the UK. I know that it has been wrong of me to have this affair and i feel terrible for it but this OM is my true love and i have to be with him. He tells me that im the one for him and i believe him because there is a special bond that we have. I truely believe that what ive got with the OM is a one in a million relationship and i have to be with him. I met him 3 years ago when i was a childminder looking after his only daughter. I have two children that he loves and they get on really well with him. Can somebody please answer this question. Will i lose everything if I tell him ive had an affair with another man???

 

 

And is garbage like this in the world that people wonder why I'm angry!?!?

 

WTF?

 

As soon as you drop your husband the OM is gonna drop you. Mark my words. Then hopefully your husband can get the kids 50/50 and wont have to pay child support. Then what, your up crap's creek without a paddle.