Your success of Ultimatums

[LoveLace]

For those of you who have ever given someone an "ultimatum"...like marry me or it's over...or it's all or nothing...girl or guy...what were the results, and either way did it all turn out for the best?

 

I gave a guy an ultimatum, he has not responded well. A guy friend then told me that any guy would choose nothing when forced to decide. I wonder if he's right.

 

So what are your stories about this.

[giggless]

This is my experience with ultimatums:

 

I dated somebody for over 4 years, but was very young when we first started dating. He felt at 4 years we were ready for marriage, and while I loved him very much and wanted to eventually get married, I just didn't feel ready yet. We "talked" (i.e. argued) about this many times, and then I found myself on the receiving end of an ultimatum. He pretty much said "Marry me or else".

 

Well, I don't like to feel backed in the corner, and never imagined my proposal in a form of an ultimatum, so my reaction wasn't a good one.

For us this was the begining of the end (there were more things I won't address here that contributed to the actual break up). Basically once he saw my reaction he tried to "fix" what he had said, but at that point it was pretty clear how frustrated he really was and how we both needed two very different things in order to be happy.

 

In my experience ultimatums don't work out very often, and if somebody does give in I would imagine some resentment will build up over the whole thing.

[LoveLace]

This is my experience with ultimatums:

 

I dated somebody for over 4 years, but was very young when we first started dating. He felt at 4 years we were ready for marriage, and while I loved him very much and wanted to eventually get married, I just didn't feel ready yet. We "talked" (i.e. argued) about this many times, and then I found myself on the receiving end of an ultimatum. He pretty much said "Marry me or else".

 

Well, I don't like to feel backed in the corner, and never imagined my proposal in a form of an ultimatum, so my reaction wasn't a good one.

For us this was the begining of the end (there were more things I won't address here that contributed to the actual break up). Basically once he saw my reaction he tried to "fix" what he had said, but at that point it was pretty clear how frustrated he really was and how we both needed two very different things in order to be happy.

 

In my experience ultimatums don't work out very often, and if somebody does give in I would imagine some resentment will build up over the whole thing.

 

So...to try and go back on an ultimatum..only makes a situation worse.

[mental_traveller]

Ultimatums are a bad sign, because it means the person doesn't want to do the thing of their own accord. Do you really want to marry someone who has to be pressured into it? Should it require an ultimatum for someone to stop flirting/cheating, or whatever?

 

What kind of ultimatum did you give? Was it a reasonable one (e.g. stop coming home drunk out of your head please dear) or more of a selfish one (e.g. move in with me now or it's over)?

[LoveLace]

Geez...I came here when I didn't know what to do and guess what, I was advised by some to give the guy an ultimatum. So I did. Now I feel like I screwed up something that was really just fine and I feel like sh*t.

[Star Gazer]

Geez...I came here when I didn't know what to do and guess what, I was advised by some to give the guy an ultimatum. So I did. Now I feel like I screwed up something that was really just fine and I feel like sh*t.

 

No, LL. If he was the right guy for you, you wouldn't have even had to give him an ultimatum to begin with.

[curiousnycgirl]

I gave an ultimatum once - I was dating a guy for 2 years or so, I was 30 he was 40 - when suddenly I got an unsolicited, very compelling job offer 1500 miles away. I basically told him that unless we set a date, I was taking the job. After 4 sleepless nights he finally told me he wasn't ready, so I left. I cried my eyes out and drank myself silly every night for months.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 however. I now realize I would have been quite unhappy with this man!

[Star Gazer]

Hindsight is 20/20 however. I now realize I would have been quite unhappy with this man!

 

Exactly. He wasn't the right guy for you.

[LoveLace]

I gave an ultimatum once - I was dating a guy for 2 years or so, I was 30 he was 40 - when suddenly I got an unsolicited, very compelling job offer 1500 miles away. I basically told him that unless we set a date, I was taking the job. After 4 sleepless nights he finally told me he wasn't ready, so I left. I cried my eyes out and drank myself silly every night for months.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 however. I now realize I would have been quite unhappy with this man!

 

That's an understandable situation, though. A job offer is a big deal, so an SO would know that you don't have a choice but to give an ultimatum, basically. Your faced with deciding between 2 good things. But an ultimatum that's just given to force someone else to decide is different, not as understandable.

[Star Gazer]

That's an understandable situation, though. A job offer is a big deal, so an SO would know that you don't have a choice but to give an ultimatum, basically. Your faced with deciding between 2 good things. But an ultimatum that's just given to force someone else to decide is different, not as understandable.

 

You're not seeing this correctly. She gave him the ultimatum, not the other way around. She didn't make him choose between two good things - one was positive (set a date) another was negative (lose her forever).

 

IF he had been the right guy for her, she wouldn't have even had to make that ultimatum.

[curiousnycgirl]

That's an understandable situation, though. A job offer is a big deal, so an SO would know that you don't have a choice but to give an ultimatum, basically. Your faced with deciding between 2 good things. But an ultimatum that's just given to force someone else to decide is different, not as understandable.

 

I'm torn on this one - overall I don't believe in ulitmatums, BUT how long do you wait around for someone (for whatever it is). Let's assume you are talking about marriage - and you have been dating for several years, and your biological clock is ticking. If this guy doesn't want to marry you, you'll have to start all over again - and frankly that can take years! So do you just tell yourself I set this date, and if not engaged by then, I'm gone? That sort of feels dishonest to me, cuz you really should tell him what that day is, shouldn't you? But if you do, it's an ultimatum.

 

My friend moved in with her b/f years ago - telling him at the time that she didn't believe in living together unless they were engaged, so that better come soon. 6 years later she told him if they weren't engaged by X day, she was gone. She packed all her stuff, and her parents drove 6 hours to come get her. Before they hit the road, they ordered in chinese food for dinner - and the ring was in one of the boxes. Personally I would have killed him.

 

So I waffle on this. My b/f is not ready for marriage, and while it drives me bats, I bite my tongue. Perhaps this is also because I'm in my 40's - so I missed my chance for kids, so the urgency is less.

 

I would strongly suggest though that if you want kids, don't let any man waste your time!

[carhill]

An ultimatum is one good way to say "goodbye"..... or, in my line of work, "see you in court"

 

I'll presume, not knowing the backstory, that such was for the benefit of the OP, and not the SO.

 

Sorry it didn't work out. If the SO is aware, the deed is done.

[LoveLace]

You're not seeing this correctly. She gave him the ultimatum, not the other way around. She didn't make him choose between two good things - one was positive (set a date) another was negative (lose her forever).

 

IF he had been the right guy for her, she wouldn't have even had to make that ultimatum.

 

I know she gave the ultimatum. It was HER that needed to decide between 2 things, 2 big things. I would be understandable if someone got a job offer right away, but they wanted to base their decision on what I wanted. She was put in the situation to give him the ultimatum, otherwise she wouldn't have done it. My ultimatum was out of just anger and it probably shouldn't be done that way.

[giggless]

So...to try and go back on an ultimatum..only makes a situation worse.

 

Every situation and person is different, and I'm just speaking for my particular situation and my own reaction. For me it did make it worse.

 

For one I was mad that he tried to back me into the corner in the first place, especially claiming that he cared about me and my wants/needs. I felt like when all else failed, he tried to control me, and had I agreed to what he wanted he wouldn't have gone back on what he said, but I would have opened the door to future ultimatums and tantrums when he didn't get his way.

 

In my opinion, if he felt so strongly about this, and was going to ignore everything we previously discussed, but instead decided to give me an ultimatum, then he should have done so when he was prepared to deal with either outcome to the situation, as it was obvious that after he did this, things would be a little different between us.

 

Then by going back on what he said I felt that he was afraid of losing me and wanted to say all the right things just to stay together, only to resume the same fight over and over because we ultimately wanted different things.

[Whey2Big4u]

i agree with stargazer, the right person doesnt need and ultimatum. Although........ you might be the wrong one for giving an ultimatum. If someone gave me one i would feel backed nto a corner and ultimatly not be happy with my ecision, in fact i might resent you in the future after making the decision

[giggless]

I agree with the others. When you feel that you need to give an ultimatum it may be time to reconsider the whole thing, and unerstand why you feel the way you do. The person just may not be right for you if you can't come to an agreement by simply discussing the issue at hand.

 

Even if they do agree to your terms there is still room for resentment.

[LoveLace]

I agree with the others. When you feel that you need to give an ultimatum it may be time to reconsider the whole thing, and unerstand why you feel the way you do. The person just may not be right for you if you can't come to an agreement by simply discussing the issue at hand.

 

Even if they do agree to your terms there is still room for resentment.

 

This is exactly it...I jumped the gun. We only had 1, brief discussion about relationships. And at the time yes, it seemed we wanted different things. But we both seemed ok with still hanging out anyway. We actually got closer after that. But then he got totally cold on me, so I jumped on the ultimatum out of feeling hurt. I thought, if it would make him run to me, I won't be hurting anymore. So I did it for the wrong reasons, really, and I could have waited it out a little longer to allow another "where is this going" conversation to occur...that's the thing about ultimatums...they should be done for the right reasons at the right time...whether he's not the right one for me or not, I didn't follow those rules.

[norajane]

This is exactly it...I jumped the gun. We only had 1, brief discussion about relationships. And at the time yes, it seemed we wanted different things. But we both seemed ok with still hanging out anyway. We actually got closer after that. But then he got totally cold on me, so I jumped on the ultimatum out of feeling hurt. I thought, if it would make him run to me, I won't be hurting anymore. So I did it for the wrong reasons, really, and I could have waited it out a little longer to allow another "where is this going" conversation to occur...that's the thing about ultimatums...they should be done for the right reasons at the right time...whether he's not the right one for me or not, I didn't follow those rules.

 

You're kinda forgetting that he was treating you like crap (remember that thread about how he promised to give you a ride to work and then had sex with you and decided he wouldn't give you that ride he promised...) and why you were so mad that you felt you had to give him an ultimatum.

 

Things were not fine, he said he didn't want a relationship and you did, but then you started thinking you were getting closer, but really, HE wasn't getting any closer to anything.

 

Your ultimatum, to which he didn't even respond, was hardly the reason this relationship has imploded. It wasn't good to begin with.

 

This ultimatum was good for YOU. Now you KNOW how he feels and how much he cares so you can finally MOVE ON.

[LoveLace]

You're kinda forgetting that he was treating you like crap (remember that thread about how he promised to give you a ride to work and then had sex with you and decided he wouldn't give you that ride he promised...) and why you were so mad that you felt you had to give him an ultimatum.

 

That incident was resolved between the 2 of us, maturely. And he was the one who called wanting to work it out, something new for him and for us..guess I mistakened that for starting to care more...at any rate, we chalked it up to a "misunderstanding" in communication. He even admitted it upset him that I had a tendency to turn around and do the same things I'd accuse of him doing, which I realized was true when I took a look at my own behavior....trust me, he's put up with B.S. from me, too.

 

I was mad because he went 2 weeks without calling. Which is typical for him to do every so often. There have been times when it didn't bother me for some reason, other times it did. Like sometimes it was OK but other times it wasn't. That was probably a little unfair of me but that was my routine. Like it all depended on my mood or something.

[norajane]

I was mad because he went 2 weeks without calling.

 

Yes, and he went two weeks without calling after you had your discussion about you wanting a relationship, and him not wanting a relationship. A man who was feeling closer to you and who was thinking he'd maybe change his mind about a relationship would not have gone two weeks without calling.

 

As I said, I don't believe your ultimatum did anything more than clarify for you that he's not into you the way you want him to be.

 

If you had not given him the ultimatum, maybe you'd have heard from him for another booty call, maybe not. Either way, though, you no longer were happy just being his booty call - you did want more and were developing stronger feelings. So your regrets now are more out of loneliness and having to deal with the sadness of him not being the guy you wished he were, rather than because the ultimatum ruined a good thing.

[LoveLace]

Yes, and he went two weeks without calling after you had your discussion about you wanting a relationship, and him not wanting a relationship. A man who was feeling closer to you and who was thinking he'd maybe change his mind about a relationship would not have gone two weeks without calling.

 

He actually only called a few days later after that conversation. Then we went out and had a good night, then had the argument, which he again called only a couple days later to talk about. Then we had a great night just talking and cuddling. Then he's gone. It was turning into a once-a-week kind of deal which I was content with. It was the fact that he broke that routine, that hurt me.

[Florida]

I agree with whomever said that if you are in an emotional place that you feel an ultimatum is your only/last resort, something is really wrong.

 

And generally, the guy will do one of the following:

-not give in

-do a half compromise making the ultimatum null and void

-decide he is involved with a female who needs to push him around by resorting to emotional blackmail (it is essentially do this or else!!) and probably won't want to be with a woman who is asking him to willfully hand his decision making skills over without a fight.

-and if he does agree to the ultimatum, it is catch 22 because you have to live with that he didn't make that decision on his own, but because he was forced. Whichh is almost as bad as if he didn't agree to the ultimatum, if you think about it.

 

The only time an ultimatum is recommended is regarding a drug or alcohol problem.

Edited February 21, 2008 by Florida

[oppath]

Ultimatums are a bit extreme, but you can say "I am really hurt and disrespected by this. Can you understand why? I can't tell you what to do, but I request that you do something to ease my discomfort and disrespect."

 

For example: threatening to breakup is manipulative, but saying "I don't think it's appropriate to hang out with an ex behind my back; those things don't belong in a healthy relationship. What do you think?" is not, and you are still making it clear that it is not acceptable to you.

 

LL, if he was the man for you, you'd never have to issue the ultimatum. Or if he came back, he'd come back professing a sincere desire to work it out, and his actions thereafter would match his words. You didn't ruin anything. You have freed yourself to move on and love someone else.

[miller1964]

I gave someone an "ultimatum" recently. It's basically a choice... I didn't get "choosen"...and now - for me - that is a gift. I see him for how he really is..not as I thought he could be....not how he promised to be.

 

You deserve to be with someone who chooses you above almost anything. If not, you are with the wrong guy. I think NoraJane said it well in her post.

 

I feel for you. Stay strong. Best of luck.

[Taramere]

I gave a guy an ultimatum, he has not responded well. A guy friend then told me that any guy would choose nothing when forced to decide. I wonder if he's right.

 

That response from your guy friend demonstrates how controlled people feel by ultimatums. On the other hand, I would venture that the more a person kicks back about feeling controlled/manipulated by something like that, the more anxious they themselves are to be in control.

 

Sometimes an ultimatum is necessary to give you some kind of clear answer about whether a situation is worth your continued time and effort...but I'd say it's best to try not to get to that stage.

 

It's like a negotiation. Ideally you don't, at any point, want to say "Here's my absolute bottom line." Better to have the kind of dialogue where you're gently letting a person know when they're coming close to your bottom line, and that if they want a deal, they're going to have to start compromising a bit. That's about giving people face-saving opportunities rather than creating the kind of all out conflict that only results in entrenched positions and increased hostility.

 

It's a pity your ultimatum was delivered in anger, but is that really so unforgiveable? Everyone screws up in the course of trying to have relationships, and people can sometimes be more forgiving than you expect them to be. Especially if you're willing to take some responsibility for losing your temper. Maybe worth having a chat with your bf before writing this situation off altogether?