melodymatters Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 "Ultimatum" is such a dirty word !! We have given it such bad connotations. If you take it off the table, and say instead. " I got to the point where I was no longer happy not being monogomous, or just living together, or agreeing to never have children, so I was completely open and honest about my feelings, that if you can't give me this, I am going to leave this relationship and try to find somone who can." Thats just being honest with yourself and your partner, asking for what you want, and really meaning what you say : that it is THAT important to you, that you will leave if this particular need will not/ can not, be met. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 It's a pity your ultimatum was delivered in anger, but is that really so unforgiveable? Everyone screws up in the course of trying to have relationships, and people can sometimes be more forgiving than you expect them to be. Especially if you're willing to take some responsibility for losing your temper. Maybe worth having a chat with your bf before writing this situation off altogether? Dan has, on many occasions been more forgiving than expected, he's dealt with a lot more of my B.S. than probably any guy in my life. Whether I'm just of piece of a^^ or not, this holds true. But I think now he's finally had enough. I'd love to chat with him, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 But I think now he's finally had enough. I'd love to chat with him, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Then why keep torturing yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 "Ultimatum" is such a dirty word !! We have given it such bad connotations. If you take it off the table, and say instead. " I got to the point where I was no longer happy not being monogomous, or just living together, or agreeing to never have children, so I was completely open and honest about my feelings, that if you can't give me this, I am going to leave this relationship and try to find somone who can." Thats just being honest with yourself and your partner, asking for what you want, and really meaning what you say : that it is THAT important to you, that you will leave if this particular need will not/ can not, be met. Yeah, that's what I would support. I wouldn't really call it an ultimatum tough. To me, an ultimatum is saying "do this or else". Whereas what you describe is just saying "I can't put up with this, sorry". Maybe they are similar but I think the distinction is important - in one case you are just being honest, and then leave the other person to make their own decision. In the other case, you are trying to make the decision for them, or at least to apply heavy pressure. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Dan has, on many occasions been more forgiving than expected, he's dealt with a lot more of my B.S. than probably any guy in my life. Whether I'm just of piece of a^^ or not, this holds true. But I think now he's finally had enough. I'd love to chat with him, but I don't think it's gonna happen. I would recommend finding out if that's true, rather than pre-empting things by trying to "read his mind", so to speak. Many guys can be quite forgiving as long as they think the behaviour isn't going to become a regular thing, and you're sincere about regretting it. Why not ask him how he feels about it first? Maybe you'll make up and things will go well. Maybe not. But you won't know unless you try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 Then why keep torturing yourself? Grieving can be torture whether you want it to or not, some days are harder than others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveLace Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 I would recommend finding out if that's true, rather than pre-empting things by trying to "read his mind", so to speak. Many guys can be quite forgiving as long as they think the behaviour isn't going to become a regular thing, and you're sincere about regretting it. Why not ask him how he feels about it first? Maybe you'll make up and things will go well. Maybe not. But you won't know unless you try. Well I think it's obvious how he feels about it, since he's done nothing and the choices were All or Nothing, tells me he chose answer B. I admit what I did was too extreme, because it isn't something I would do at a time when I'm not feeling angry. When we do things out of anger, we later know we didn't really mean it, at least not to the extreme we display. Anger causes you to exagerrate your feelings; an outlet can be good but like in my case, I should have kept the exaggeration to myself. I wanted more, but to say I want ALL, in reality, might not only be asking too much from him, but also it's offering too much of myself, because my hectic life wouldn't allow me to give that much in the 1st place. I made a mistake by asking to receive more than I can even give in return. The ultimatum should have been more like, "Give me more, or nothing"....The word "All" to a guy or anyone else, could easily be interpreted as marriage or life-long committment. And of course this is not what I was wanting from him! I just wanted a little more of him, period, but in his eyes I was probably asking for way beyond that. Link to post Share on other sites
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