He finally managed to hurt me after 2 years

[LoveLace]

Yes Dan has been some sh*t to put up with over the last 2 years, and I've had many episodes of being flat-out p*ssd, but I never felt truly hurt, and he always, always came back.

 

This time I let him get to me and I am truly hurt. But he's not coming back this time. I don't know who f*cked up more because I think we both did, it's almost we've both done things to purposely push the other away, in different ways, and maybe for different reasons.

 

My friends here know how I had access to his email, so everytime I sent him one, I would look to see if he read it. My last one was about the All or Nothing ultimatum, not mean but not way too nice either...and he read it like a week ago. But my dumb a$^ sent him another one since, basically just saying I'd like to be just "friends". But I can see that he's checked his email....and didn't even bother to look at this one. I don't know if he's onto me for checking his email (in which case he thinks I'm a stalker...even though I don't look at any messages, just to see if he's read mine), if he thinks he's doing what's best by choosing "nothing", or if he's just flippin tired of anything I have to say. I'm hurt that he looked right over my email like it's junk. I haven't bothered to call him at all, because it's way too hard to reach him without a cell phone. I no longer have a way to communicate feelings if he doesn't read the emails. But if he's onto me, is there a chance that he's playing with me to see if I start another form of contact?

 

I don't know it doesn't matter, I let him get to me and I'm really sad.

[Star Gazer]

Okay, I'm gonna have to be harsh here, LL.

 

I'm hurt that he looked right over my email like it's junk.

 

To him, it is junk.

 

You sent him an ultimatum, and then you went back on it with a "friends" email. Although he hasn't read it, just by sending him another email after sending him the ultimatum email shows him that you have no backbone. He knows this.

 

Not only is that unattractive in a woman, but the drama is tiring. He can get laid anywhere, why would he put up with drama? He's tired of this whole thing, LL. What I cannot, for the life of me, understand is why you're not dead tired of it too? Why are you checking to see if he's reading it? Why are you letting someone else control how you live your life and what you feel?? It's been TWO YEARS... two years WASTED. Please don't waste another second on this guy.

Edited February 21, 2008 by Star Gazer

[LoveLace]

He certainly has no control over how I live my life...someone has to be around in order to do that! I live out my very, very, busy days like normal. I think of him on my down time, which isn't too often but is right now. I have no one else to think about if I'm lonely. For the last 2 weeks I've been on the verge of breaking down into tears, not only because of lonliness, but because I was happy and starting to get happier, because I really liked him, so being lonely and missing someone too is a bad combo. Oh and the icing on the cake is that yet another single friend of mine just told me last night how he met someone and how happy he is, my roommate's madly in love, everyone in my life is happy and making things happen except for me, making dreams come true except for me, they hear the same old story from me...yea, dumped again, still no one.

 

Also a student at school asked my age and when I said 31, she asked if I had kids and married, I answered no, and she asked "why not?"...what kind of a question is that? As if I choose to be alone...maybe she thought I'm a lesbian.

[curiousnycgirl]

I'm hurt that he looked right over my email like it's junk.

 

Let me suggest an alternative here. When I first open my email, I immediately delete all the junk - then I quickly scan the stuff that is from a list I may be on, as likely those are junk as well. The emails I want to spend time on - I leave unread until I have time.

 

You dumped a huge load on him - he may still be processing. He may not be ready for communication - but he's not just deleting your emails either - so I would stop stressing it.

[LoveLace]

Let me suggest an alternative here. When I first open my email, I immediately delete all the junk - then I quickly scan the stuff that is from a list I may be on, as likely those are junk as well. The emails I want to spend time on - I leave unread until I have time.

 

You dumped a huge load on him - he may still be processing. He may not be ready for communication - but he's not just deleting your emails either - so I would stop stressing it.

 

It appears he lets all of his junk mail just sit...doesn't bother to go through and delete them...so I don't think he's saving mine for later...but thanks.

[oppath]

Why are you checking HIS emails? Isn't the point of telling him "we are done" so you do not talk to him until you have healed? How is reading his emails going to help with that. That is obsessive behavior and it's completely unhealthy. Not to mention, it IS an invasion of his privacy. The only time it's ok to "snoop", even if you know the password, is if they ask you to check their email OR if you highly suspect they are cheating.

 

LL, this is not healthy behavior. Is it rational to check your **** buddies emails to see what he thinks of you and then obsess over whether he intentionally didn't read it? Of course not. That is irrational behavior. You do it because you are anxious and it's like a fix for the addiction, but it is not healthy.

[LoveLace]

Why are you checking HIS emails? Isn't the point of telling him "we are done" so you do not talk to him until you have healed? How is reading his emails going to help with that. That is obsessive behavior and it's completely unhealthy. Not to mention, it IS an invasion of his privacy. The only time it's ok to "snoop", even if you know the password, is if they ask you to check their email OR if you highly suspect they are cheating.

 

LL, this is not healthy behavior. Is it rational to check your **** buddies emails to see what he thinks of you and then obsess over whether he intentionally didn't read it? Of course not. That is irrational behavior. You do it because you are anxious and it's like a fix for the addiction, but it is not healthy.

 

Well he gave me his password once and said he didn't care if I knew it. That doesn't make it right, but it isn't like I played detective to get the password. And I don't "snoop" his messages, they are nothing but junk anyway, even if there are personal ones, I don't read them, I just used it to see if he read mine yet. And he didn't so I deserve that. The upside is the ability to send him email keeps me from trying to contact him any other way, such as calling. I haven't called in weeks, which I'm proud of myself for, at least there is one thing. And I've only sent 2 emails in the last 3 weeks. And okay so I left a note at his house...3 weeks ago...but if I was really that obsessed, I'd go knock on his door or try calling him all the time, something along those lines...I did go by his house one night (before I got upset about stuff) just to see if he wanted to go out with me cuz I was on my way to a gathering...he's a spontaneous guy like that..but his parents answered and just said he wasn't home, I wasn't trying to be sneaky about it, however that was the 1st and only time I ever did it.

[oppath]

No. Checking his email to see if he read your email, and then analyzing what it means that he did not read it, IS OBSESSIVE. It's not healthy. What good can come of it?

[LoveLace]

No. Checking his email to see if he read your email, and then analyzing what it means that he did not read it, IS OBSESSIVE. It's not healthy. What good can come of it?

 

 

OBSESSIVE is exaggerating, I'm sorry, didn't you ever see "Fatal Attraction"...that's obsessive and that's not me! I liked the a guy a lot, and he hurt me so I"m upset. That is NOT the same as obsessed. And at least by seeing that he won't look at my emails anymore, as opposed to reading them, then I know for sure he doesn't care, where as when I read them I thought it meant he did. So that's the good that comes out of it, the slap in the face and the humiliation, is the good that comes out of it, without feeling hurt 1st and going through that process, I can't move on.

[oppath]

There are degrees of obsessive. I'm not saying you are an obsessive person, I am saying your behavior is obsessive. There is a difference. If someone checked their ex's myspace page every day until it said "in a relationship," is that not obsessive? Could it really be justified by saying "now I know I need to move on because he/she is with someone else." What I am suggesting is that it is not rational nor is it healthy to check his emails and then analyze the meaning of it not being read.

 

You don't know if he doesn't care about you anymore. You are jumping to conclusions and trying to read his mind and those things are classical cognitive distortions. Even the conclusion "he doesn't care" is reif with distortion. He does care. He just does not care enough to give you a relationship. He has made that clear. He probably is tired of the back and forth. There are any number of reasons he has not read that email and any number of reasons: your conclusions are not rational.

 

Reading his emails at all is simply not healthy. It's ok that you did it. You are hurt and grieving. What I am suggesting to you is STOP IT. Stop doing it. Trust me, a year from now you will roll your eyes that you did this. Part of giving the ultimatum was that you have to walk away and you reading his emails is not walking away.

[Star Gazer]

Well he gave me his password once and said he didn't care if I knew it.

 

I've seen two of my BFF's use their hide-a-key to get into their houses too, or climb through a window when locked out. That doesn't mean I'm going to follow suit and use their hide-a-key to rummage through their belongings! It IS obsessive and WRONG, LL!

[LoveLace]

I've seen two of my BFF's use their hide-a-key to get into their houses too, or climb through a window when locked out. That doesn't mean I'm going to follow suit and use their hide-a-key to rummage through their belongings! It IS obsessive and WRONG, LL!

 

 

What your friends did is a little more extreme than going into email, for chris sakes, there is a lot more privacy to invade in a home than in email full of junk. There is nothing there to "rummage" through and I haven't gone there for that purpose other than the focus of my own emails, not emails from other people. So I'm obsessed with my own emails if obsessed at all, and very anxious to see if he's read them...but I am certainly not obsessed with his "belongings", it is possible to seperate the two. I don't go there to see what emails he's gotten lately, because I don't care! If people do something as crazy as going into their homes, its to try and catch them with something. I'm not trying to catch him with anything...except for how much he doesn't like me.

[Star Gazer]

What your friends did is a little more extreme than going into email, for chris sakes, there is a lot more privacy to invade in a home than in email full of junk.

 

Says YOU!

 

If it requires a key, a password, a secret handshake... you're invading his privacy. Period.

[oppath]

I'm not trying to catch him with anything...except for how much he doesn't like me.

 

Lovelace, this is where your thinking is completely off the wall. I know because I suffer from depression and how I think is often completely irrational, but I've received so much cognitive training I can recognize it in others.

 

How much he doesn't like me = he doesn't like me at all and I'm not good enough for him.

 

There is no evidence for that. None. Your cognitions about this event are distorted. He does like you. He just doesn't like you enough to be your boyfriend. Have you ever felt that way about a guy? Of course you have. It means nothing about you. He thinks you are a good person and he does like you or he would not have invested ANY time with you or dealt with any of the drama. Sure, he got sex out of it, but he does like you. He does not want to give you what you desire, and that does not make you a bad person or reflect on how much he does not like you. Him not committing has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU and your likeability.

 

People have been telling you for two months: this guy is bad news. He's not a bad guy. But you have responsibility. Walk away. That includes to cease checking his email. He likes you. You are likeable. You are deserving of love. You will find it...if you walk away from him.

[LoveLace]

Says YOU!

 

If it requires a key, a password, a secret handshake... you're invading his privacy. Period.

 

Sorry still not the same as going into someone's house!! Where there's money, valuables, and such.

[oppath]

Sorry still not the same as going into someone's house!! Where there's money, valuables, and such.

 

Plenty of valuable stuff is in email, possibly passwords to bank accounts, etc. Stop justifying what you are doing is ok. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it is not ok and mostly, it is not healthy for you to behave that way.

 

You are hurt right now and mourning. Now is the time to be compassionate and to not check his emails because it is only imbuing more hurt in you.

[Kamille]

Why is this whole discussion happening? [scratches head in confusion]

 

I thought the whole point of the ultimatum was for you to move on???

 

You were feeling self-affirmative and agreed if he didn't step up, you were going to do the best thing for you and accept he wasn't capable of offering you what you desired?

 

I can go dig in that thread for some price quotes if you want me to LL.

 

ps: going through someone's email : bad policy. My ex had my password and I found out he checked it - there was you were last logged in function. I wasn't impressed.

[LoveLace]

Lovelace, this is where your thinking is completely off the wall. I know because I suffer from depression and how I think is often completely irrational, but I've received so much cognitive training I can recognize it in others.

 

How much he doesn't like me = he doesn't like me at all and I'm not good enough for him.

 

There is no evidence for that. None. Your cognitions about this event are distorted. He does like you. He just doesn't like you enough to be your boyfriend. Have you ever felt that way about a guy? Of course you have. It means nothing about you. He thinks you are a good person and he does like you or he would not have invested ANY time with you or dealt with any of the drama. Sure, he got sex out of it, but he does like you. He does not want to give you what you desire, and that does not make you a bad person or reflect on how much he does not like you. Him not committing has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU and your likeability.

 

People have been telling you for two months: this guy is bad news. He's not a bad guy. But you have responsibility. Walk away. That includes to cease checking his email. He likes you. You are likeable. You are deserving of love. You will find it...if you walk away from him.

 

You are right I've been hella depressed, not over him specifically although hurt by him. I'm depressed about being at Square 1 all the time while my friends are building, or well beyond building, their lovely little family lives. It isn't like I'm a little behind them anymore, it's way, way behind. And it's really, really, hard to date at 31, as if it isn't hard enough to find a really good guy, it's harder now because most are taken so I end up with guys like Dan. Not to mention my age is showing and the competition only gets younger and much hotter. I feel like my self-esteem is becoming very damaged to the point of no return. Like if I was hotter, Dan or some guy would just want the h^ll outta me. No one ever wants me that much and there has to be a reason. I go out and get way dressed up, make-up and a fashionable wardrobe, I'm told I look confident, but none of it is enough because confident doesn't beat looks, I don't care what they say, "confident" is about the best compliment I ever get. It can never be "beautiful" or "amazing" or anything like that. I seem to be the only one who knows it's true but it gets harder to believe when no one seems to agree.

[oppath]

I am sorry you are feeling that way. I've been feeling similar lately too, but so much of what you say is simply NOT true. Your brain is like a post office, receiving mail. The problem with depression is that all the positive mail is put into the junk box and you only receive the negative mail. It's so overwhelming that you can't even believe the positive if you read it. It takes a long time to clean out all those mailboxes and irrational beliefs and fill them with the positive mail. In fact, if you are used to thinking like a depressive, your brain is literally wired via neural networks for those negative thoughts to trigger automatically.

 

Right now you are hurt and I hope you feel better, but please remember, those things you are thinking are irrational. Try to replace those thoughts with something like "right now I am feeling depressed and hurt and like I'll always be alone, and that is ok, but right now I can't think rationally because I'm depressed. There is no evidence for those negative things and if I press hard, there is positive evidence against it, so I'm not going to allow those negative thoughts to control me right now."

[Kamille]

it's really, really, hard to date at 31, as if it isn't hard enough to find a really good guy, it's harder now because most are taken so I end up with guys like Dan. Not to mention my age is showing and the competition only gets younger and much hotter. I feel like my self-esteem is becoming very damaged to the point of no return. Like if I was hotter, Dan or some guy would just want the h^ll outta me. No one ever wants me that much and there has to be a reason.

 

I call bull**** on your theory about love and looks LL. And the only reason you are having a hard time out there is because you actually believe this.

 

You know what the best way to find a good man in a haystack of losers is? Discriminate. Be more selective. Identify the losers and lose them.

 

I know I have told you this before, but because you actually believe there is something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you mysteriously undatable, you act like you have to make amends for yourself. Like you aren't enough.

 

Think about this... How many of your married friends are actually astoundingly hot? How many of your hot friends have never gotten their heart brokens? Looks have nothing to do with finding love. Desperation, however, has always proven to be a love repellent. Stop believing your situation is desperate LL.

[oppath]

Agree with Kamille. I know a few hot women who have ZERO luck with men and their love lives. None. They are 30 years old and have never had a long term relationship. Some of them it's been their attitudes, so of them it has been bad luck, some of them have just been very selective and happy on their own.

[Star Gazer]

Re: the past two posts... uh, I'm 3 months shy of 30 and I'm HOT (haha!), and I have tough luck too, but it's mainly MY FAULT for not knowing how to choose the right men and get out when I should.

[Ariadne]

I can see that he's checked his email....and didn't even bother to look at this one.

 

Oh, no!

 

That totally sucks.

 

That's so weird, because you were in good terms with him last time, and now he is not talking.

 

Usually he is not phased by your ultimatums or whatever it is, maybe he met someone and it was bad timing?

 

Who knows really, sorry, I thought this one had a chance. You seemed to get along so well.

 

About being 30 some and single is tough. Did you see this D-Lish thread?

 

Hope you talk to him soon somehow, and he can explain to you what happened.

 

Hugs xoxox

[LoveLace]

Oh, no!

 

That totally sucks.

 

That's so weird, because you were in good terms with him last time, and now he is not talking.

 

Usually he is not phased by your ultimatums or whatever it is, maybe he met someone and it was bad timing?

 

Who knows really, sorry, I thought this one had a chance. You seemed to get along so well.

 

About being 30 some and single is tough. Did you see this D-Lish thread?

 

Hope you talk to him soon somehow, and he can explain to you what happened.

 

Hugs xoxox

 

 

Gosh thanks Adrne, it's as though you believed in him this whole time more than anyone, even me! And your right he's not usually too phased by things, no matter how twisted it might seem. One night I actually went to his house (because he told me to but he was sleeping) so I knocked on his bedroom window and woke him up...then he kept saying "I like that!"...I don't understand why that's okay to do when telling him about my feelings isn't...but whatever....just saying there's a lot of things he doesn't react to like most guys would. He's surprised me a million times in that way.

 

There's a chance he's giving me time to just "cool off"...he's been known to do this before. My hopes aren't too high for that, though.

[LoveLace]

Well suddenly it looks like he's checking email like everyday almost...and looks at like 1 message (something about baseball) but not mine...it's odd for him to check that often, is my point. It makes me wonder if he's trying to bust me...like maybe he noticed an email that I went in, deleted, and changed..he might have went back once and thought "wait a sec...what happened to the one that was here before?"...I'm sure this is reading way too much into it, it's just unusual for him to check it that much. So time to lay low! Besides, no contact at all, has always been the only time he gets interested again...whatever!