GF separated after 13 years - to figure things out

[norajane]

No GUTS! No GLORY!

 

SEMPER FI!~ DO OR DIE!

 

EITHER WAY? YOU COME OUT THE WINNER!

 

SHE SAYS YES! YOU WIN!

 

SHE SAYS NO? YOU WIN!

 

NOW GET YOUR HAPPY ASS IN THERE ~ SPARTAIN! LIVE LIFE TO ITS TOP!

 

FIGHT DAMNIT! FIGHT!

 

NOT FOR HER? BUT FOR YOUR OWN LIFE! YOU'VE GOT TO WANT TO LIVE!

 

EXACTLY!!

[Gunny376]

I'm nervous. But I feel hopeless. I feel like she's going to cry and then deny a chance. I think I'm going to my execution.

]]

 

What is she going to do to do? Beat you down like SSgt M did me thirty years ago in Marine bootcamp? Blood in my eye ~ black eye ~ choke me out to the point of passing out like Sgt. E did in 75 at PI while standing at attention?

 

The worse thing she can do to you? Is use "harsh" language?

[Issues & tissues]

I really wish you all the best for today. Please do write and tell us how it goes.

 

Good luck!

[smainla]

Well, here I am. I'm not dead.

 

Last night, the night before our meeting, I couldn't sleep - as if I had a fever, I would continually awake from near sleep in a clammy sweat, alternately hot and cold.

 

In the morning she called and asked if she could set a parameter - that I shouldn't expect a decision from her today; that she just needed to speak honestly. Of course I agreed - I had expected nothing more. She also told me she was a mess - that she hadn't been able to sleep. We got a laugh out of sharing our sleepless night stories.

 

We met in Griffith Park at the Merry-go-round (for anyone who cares for the details and happens to know L.A.)

 

I brought six long stemmed red roses. This started the tears. We hugged and kissed - almost as it were a normal reunion from a vacation, and then hugged again and just held on to each other. That's when I lost it.

 

The course of the afternoon lasted about five hours; till the sun started to go behind the mountains and it got a touch chilly. So much of the time felt like old times, like we were back together - laughing, kissing, hugging, crying. I'm glad I didn't allow the meeting to happen at our place or I'm pretty sure we'd have ended up in bed. And much as that would have been fun, I think it would've been a bad idea.

 

 

We talked about everything; I told her where I was at emotionally. Her biggest question through tears was why I hadn't been this person five years ago. I told her I could do nothing about the past - only the present. It was a mantra I said about a hundred times; along with apologies for my previous shortcomings.

 

In talking about a child and my newly awakened desire to have one, I gave her the silver baby rattle - which caused a meltdown of tears. A bit later, I gave her the ring. I told her that I didn't want or expect any kind of answer; it was only to show her my feelings and where I was at.

 

Through tears and hard breathing, she put up a feeble attempt to not take it, but with it reflecting perfectly in the sun, she tried it on. It fit beautifully and did look amazing on her hand.

And she did take it home, along with the silver baby rattle.

Symbols to ponder.

 

SO -

Ultimately, she told me that yes, the child was an issue - but there were others. Through the relationship there have been times where my love has been conditional. I've been rough on her emotions, and indeed - I haven't love her as purely as she has me. She has never felt that I loved her as much as she loved me.

 

But mostly, she also is in search of herself. She is trying to find herself, and that search continues. And it has nothing to do with me.

Of course, if it had nothing to do with me, I don't know why she has to leave me to search... but mine is not to ask right now.

 

Her search - her mid life crisis - is something I wish I could support her in, but for now - I must let her be. That's the best support I can give her.

She cried apology for the selfishnesses of what she was doing, but this was her time now.

I told her I would hold the door open as long as possible.

 

She told me that when she came to the park, it was with the intent of ending the relationship. In the course of the afternoon, she was all turned around again.

She kept lamenting why, why why I hadn't been the person that she was now seeing. I guess in the 30 plus days I've had to think about things, I had some pretty serious changes go on. I've become what she wishes I had been - but she doesn't know if she can do it again. She needs to "listen to her heart." I can't blame her for having difficulty in believing me. Hell, I would have a hard time believing it.

 

And she has to figure out what she is seeking.

 

All in all, it was a surreally, wonderful afternoon; full of love and hope, intermingled with sadness, helplessness and sense of tremendous loss - and a lot of unknown things.

 

I don't know what will happen, but I've done everything I can. She has seen me and experienced me as I am becoming. I can only hope that she finds it in her heart to give me another chance, that she finds what she is searching for, and that whatever it may be - could include me.

 

For now, the separation will continue, with no more contact than needed. I guess will talk again in about a month (around tax time)

 

Tonight, I think I will actually sleep; one of the first nights since Feb 8th.

 

Hope you don't mind the long note...

[Gunny376]

Well, here I am. I'm not dead.

 

Last night, the night before our meeting, I couldn't sleep - as if I had a fever, I would continually awake from near sleep in a clammy sweat, alternately hot and cold.

 

In the morning she called and asked if she could set a parameter - that I shouldn't expect a decision from her today; that she just needed to speak honestly. Of course I agreed - I had expected nothing more. She also told me she was a mess - that she hadn't been able to sleep. We got a laugh out of sharing our sleepless night stories.

 

We met in Griffith Park at the Merry-go-round (for anyone who cares for the details and happens to know L.A.)

 

I brought six long stemmed red roses. This started the tears. We hugged and kissed - almost as it were a normal reunion from a vacation, and then hugged again and just held on to each other. That's when I lost it.

 

The course of the afternoon lasted about five hours; till the sun started to go behind the mountains and it got a touch chilly. So much of the time felt like old times, like we were back together - laughing, kissing, hugging, crying. I'm glad I didn't allow the meeting to happen at our place or I'm pretty sure we'd have ended up in bed. And much as that would have been fun, I think it would've been a bad idea.

 

 

We talked about everything; I told her where I was at emotionally. Her biggest question through tears was why I hadn't been this person five years ago. I told her I could do nothing about the past - only the present. It was a mantra I said about a hundred times; along with apologies for my previous shortcomings.

 

In talking about a child and my newly awakened desire to have one, I gave her the silver baby rattle - which caused a meltdown of tears. A bit later, I gave her the ring. I told her that I didn't want or expect any kind of answer; it was only to show her my feelings and where I was at.

 

Through tears and hard breathing, she put up a feeble attempt to not take it, but with it reflecting perfectly in the sun, she tried it on. It fit beautifully and did look amazing on her hand.

And she did take it home, along with the silver baby rattle.

Symbols to ponder.

 

SO -

Ultimately, she told me that yes, the child was an issue - but there were others. Through the relationship there have been times where my love has been conditional. I've been rough on her emotions, and indeed - I haven't love her as purely as she has me. She has never felt that I loved her as much as she loved me.

 

But mostly, she also is in search of herself. She is trying to find herself, and that search continues. And it has nothing to do with me.

Of course, if it had nothing to do with me, I don't know why she has to leave me to search... but mine is not to ask right now.

 

Her search - her mid life crisis - is something I wish I could support her in, but for now - I must let her be. That's the best support I can give her.

She cried apology for the selfishnesses of what she was doing, but this was her time now.

I told her I would hold the door open as long as possible.

 

She told me that when she came to the park, it was with the intent of ending the relationship. In the course of the afternoon, she was all turned around again.

She kept lamenting why, why why I hadn't been the person that she was now seeing. I guess in the 30 plus days I've had to think about things, I had some pretty serious changes go on. I've become what she wishes I had been - but she doesn't know if she can do it again. She needs to "listen to her heart." I can't blame her for having difficulty in believing me. Hell, I would have a hard time believing it.

 

And she has to figure out what she is seeking.

 

All in all, it was a surreally, wonderful afternoon; full of love and hope, intermingled with sadness, helplessness and sense of tremendous loss - and a lot of unknown things.

 

I don't know what will happen, but I've done everything I can. She has seen me and experienced me as I am becoming. I can only hope that she finds it in her heart to give me another chance, that she finds what she is searching for, and that whatever it may be - could include me.

 

For now, the separation will continue, with no more contact than needed. I guess will talk again in about a month (around tax time)

 

Tonight, I think I will actually sleep; one of the first nights since Feb 8th.

 

Hope you don't mind the long note...

 

Now? Its in a hands of fate?

 

You've done all you can do?

[PWSX3]

Something that I have been doing that has helped is pick up some books & do some reading.

 

Doesn't hurt to learn how different guys are compared to gals. We think differently & we will never figure each other out but if you start to learn how we are different then it does help.