No contact for five months. WHEN do I start to get over it?

[texasprincess]

My husband and I divorced about six months ago. I've always been a firm advocate of NC after a break up, but I'd changed jobs and got a new cell phone (not because of him) right around the time we divorced, so it was even easier since he could only contact me via email. (It's easier to ignore) When we separated, he moved home with him parents in another state. After almost a year of him trying to figure out when and if he should come home, and never deciding, I made an executive decision to end it. Though I really did/do love him, I just grew tired of the rollercoaster ride.

 

All during the separation and divorce, we were cordial (we don't have kids), so on the day the d/v was finalized, I called to tell him. Though he acted like he was accepting of it then, he called a week or two later and told me he thought the d/v was a mistake and that he'd need to pray about it and we'd talk later.

 

I figured that it just had time to sink in and even if that weren't the case, he should have been praying BEFORE now. Plus, I was still an emotional wreck and if I continued talking to him, I couldn't be held responsible for my actions (smile).

 

I decided that since the divorce was final and I was ready to finally do some things WITHOUT thinking about US, I immediately instituted the NC rule. He called my cell phone (before I got a new number) a couple days after that, but I didnt pick up. A couple days later, the phone was turned off. That was back in September. I hadn't heard from him at all, up until about three weeks ago.

 

He sent me an email to see how I was doing. Though it was against the NC rule, I thought not replying would be childish, so I wrote a quick "doing fine, hope you are too" kinda thing and that was it. He emailed back to ask if I'd be interested in coming down for this annual festival that he and I'd been going to since college. It's tradition (we even went while we were separated last year). Truth be told, I was glad he asked. I'd been dreading the few weeks leading up to the festival because it's been "our thing" for so long that not doing it was gonna be just...weird. Not to mention, I missed him so much and really wanted to see him.

 

Though it took every fiber of my being not to, I didn't respond to the email. I thought about all the great things that's taken place since I've d/v. I've lost weight. I've visited with friends I have seen in ages. I'm kicking butt on my new job. I've taken up gardening, which I'd always wanted to do. Since I'm no longer stressed, I can FINALLY sleep at night. I'm enjoyng my life..without the stress. It's good.

 

He hasn't contacted me since, although I wish he would.

 

To make a long story..well, less long....my question is this: Despite me following all the rules, and all the neat things going on in my life, why do I still miss my ex-husband today the same way I did a few weeks after the divorce? I understand that six months is not a long time, especially to get over a marriage. But I was hoping that by now, my feelings would have changed for him..JUST A LITTLE BIT. And they haven't.

 

If there's anyone out there who has experienced this, how long did it take for you to at least start feeling less and missing them less,? And, what did you do to do it?

[Gunny376]

When do you get over it?

 

The very second! The very minute that YOU decide? You KNOW what? I'm DONE with THIS!

 

I'm DONE with this BS!! I just AM!

[D-Lish]

Hmmm, I think the healing process varies from person to person. 6 Months is fresh. I still have negative emotions associated with the PAIN from the break up...but I don't miss him or want him back. It has been 5 years for me. Yes, the notion of the divorce still affects me, but I am not in love with him anymore. I think it took me a good two years to get to that point- and we were together for almost 9 in total.

 

I don't want to freak you out by saying it probably took 2 years. I didn't spend every one of those days pining for him. Each day got better, each month of NC got easier.... life started to take on some semblance of normalcy.

 

One thing I can say is that I didn't start to REALLY heal until the contact ceased all together. We spoke a lot after the seperation and impending divorce...and that wasn't healthy. When I cut him off- that is when I started to really begin to heal.

 

My ex also flip-flopped for about a year- that turmoil was much worse than making the decision to end it and go into NC. When you keep contact- you sort of keep yourself suspended in limbo.

 

If you attend the festival together- it will be like opening old wounds, trust me, I know. It's been six months- but you guys are still talking here and there. You are still expecting/hoping for phone calls.

 

End the contact, keep concentrating on all the great progress you have made, and the pain will keep dissipating. I promise you that.

 

5 Years later and I am still a bit messed up- but it's not because I love him anymore. I went the route of making bad choices after we broke up- it sounds as if you have done the opposite and made some positive, healthy decisions. That's admirable.

 

how long were you together for if I may ask?

[marlena]

Hi,

Well, I'm not really sure if you ever get over a divorce and what it has done to you especially if betrayal was involved. BUT you do definitely get over the person and the pain. In time. How long is different for every individual.

 

You say it's been five months of NC and you still miss him. Well, that's normal, too (though I didn't miss my H for a minute - I was stuck in the anger phase for well over a year or two).

 

You may think that you haven't made progress but I am sure that you have. You just don't realize it because you still miss him. Look back at that first month after the break up and compare it to know. Do you cry as often? Do you feel the same despair? The confusion? The fear? The anger?

 

Even if you do still feel some of these emotions, I am sure that they are not as intense as they once were. That's progress, isn't it?

 

 

You will be fine. In another six months you will feel better and then after another six months still better and so on until you feel completely better. Then you will be over him and not miss him at all.

 

Marlena