gem.gemini Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 (edited) I AM REALLY SORRY… THIS POST IS LONG I am new here and in bit of a mess and any advice will be really appreciated. Let me start by telling u abt myself… I am 27yo Indian female. I have been married for the last two years. My H is 32 yo ,engineer by profession,working in dubai. For those of you who are not familiar with Indian marriages … it was an arranged marriage( parents decide whom to marry)… I met my husband 20 days before getting married. He belonged to a very decent, highly educated family of engineers. After the wedding I moved with my husband to Dubai… I soon realized that my husband does not like any of his extended family members and he did not like me to talk about mine also… I come from a very close knit and loving family. Me going to Dubai was partly because one of my aunts was there. Since I got to know about his dislike of relatives I stopped talking about them and even stopped going to my aunt’s house. He also told me about his affair before marriage with another girl… he was very descriptive about it… I heard all about it thinking that he just wanted to get over her and wanted to start the new relation on honesty… but he would mention her in almost everything… then I started discouraging him from telling me about her… he stopped He is also a very aggressive man …. He slapped me once over something which I don’t remember now… then one day he fought with & told me to leave his house.. he even called my aunt and told her to take me way… I refused to go In one of our other fights he just said he did’nt like ANYONE in my family even my parents…that hurt me very badly as I was expected to treat his family with utmost respect and I actually did… this was the breaking point for me… I was just going to leave and go somewhere… I called and told my aunt this … she got really worried and came right over to talk some sense in me… she also informed my parents in India about my state… my parents asked his parents to do something … they did’nt …. I still stayed coz I loved him and I still wanted to work on this relationship… After this I thought things would change and he will see the light…. But yet we had fights and in one, my finger broke… I got the cast in my hand for good 21 days… in another he left me at the airport telling me to leave… he himself informed his parents that he had told me to leave… his parents told me to go back and said that my MIL will come over to sort everything out… well I went back but my MIL never showed up… I was still hopeful that things might change…. And I got pregnant and I took it as a signal from god that we should give this relationship another chance…. I started working on this reltionship from scratch... I really forgot the past things...And he started changing…. Financially also we started getting better…. He changed his job…. I enjoyed my job and my pregnancy both…. He asked my parents to come over for the delivery … well sadly in the last month of my pregnancy we got to know that the baby’s heart had stopped beating …. They had to induce labor ( for 3 days)… I delivered my stillborn daughter by NVD …. We somehow were dealing with the loss and in one of his fits of anger he started shouting at me in front of my mom ( after 13 days of delivery)...he even abused my mom and threatened her…. Well my parents just brought me home with them…. His parents were scheduled to reach his house in just two days but there was no way that we could wait in that country( my husband threatened me,… all the rules are for males there it is an Islamic nation)….before leaving we informed his parents about our departure…. Now in India…. I kept waiting for my husbands call or something … it came after almost 40 days of my leaving the house… that day he sounded shaken but not the least bit remorseful…. I told him that we need to sit and address some issues..after that nothing… one of our mutual friends started talking to him… he confided in her that he wanted to get back… he called again and this time he was in a very romantic mood but agin he did not say anything about the issue…. When I tried to talk bout it he snubbed me saying that he did not want to talk about the past or the future… he just wanted me to trust him in the present.. His parents have now returned to India after 2 months stay at his house… they called me and I told them that I have some issues with H , we need to sort out and it is best that we should talk when he comes home… but they are adamant that I have to speak to them first before talking with my H My H has recently deleated and blocked my name from his MSN family list…. I hate him for what he has done …. But love him coz he REALLY cared for me when I was expecting… he was just as eagerly waiting for the baby as me… he was really changing… I STILL LOVE HIM What should I do??? I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself financially( so that is not the issue at all) Edited February 21, 2008 by gem.gemini format Link to post Share on other sites
elizabethjune Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 It's really difficult to try and give you advice as your culture is so different but it sounds to me like you need to give yourself more respect. Your H disrespected you on so many levels and you don't deserve that. Did you ever have relationships before this marriage? Sounds like no, and if not, then you have not been able to experience different behaviors and situations. Have you ever loved anybody else before? I'm sorry to hear that you lost your child. That is one of the most painful things a person ever has to experience and I cannot imagine having to deal with that grief. That might explain your husband's behavior afterward, but it doesn't excuse it. If he wants you to trust him in the present, why is he blocking your name on the MSN list? The way he treated you while you were expecting, that's the way you should always be treated. Tough situation. I'm all about second chances but he has crossed many lines. There may be more in danger than your relationship. If he's gotten physical with you before, it usually only gets worse. His violent behavior is uncalled for. Don't return yet, give it some more time to sort through your feelings first. If he really loves you he will wait. Do not go back until you are confident in yourself and know with 100% certainty what you want. Don't let your decision be influenced by your parents or his parents. It's your life and you are the one that has to live it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 My condolences on the loss of your beloved child Since you're financially independent and have no ties to husband other than marriage papers, I'd separate from him for now. While cultural norms are different, there is no reason for a woman to endure violence/abuse if she can escape it. You're young, smart and very articulate. I can see that in your writing. The decisions you make now will be with you for a long time. Consider each one carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 You're young, smart and very articulate. I can see that in your writing. I agree. Yet nowhere in your carefully worded post did I get a sense of what YOU want. Outside of marriage, what are your hopes and goals? What do you want for you from life? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I understand that you are bound by culture and religious duties that make it hard for others to give you advice. I want to give you advice as a woman. That advice is that no woman has duty to endure physical and emotional abuse- inside or outside of a marriage... and leaving him behind sounds like the healthiest course of action for you. In Dubai you were isolated, abused, forced to leave...and just treated poorly in general. The man that became loving during your pregnancy is not indicative of the true nature of your husband. Women world wide remain in abusive marriages for various reasons... I find that very sad. I hear your story and my heart goes out to you. I'm listening to your story from the standpoint of a fellow human being- and the only thing I can come up with is that you deserve to be treated with love and respect...you deserve to be happy....and you deserve to be with a man who loves you and wants to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I agree. Yet nowhere in your carefully worded post did I get a sense of what YOU want. Outside of marriage, what are your hopes and goals? What do you want for you from life? Mr. Lucky Very astute observation. The OP is fighting two battles, one personal and one cultural. The latter may be with her for the rest of her life. I hope her intellect wins out. She's got the tools. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gem.gemini Posted February 22, 2008 Author Share Posted February 22, 2008 I agree. Yet nowhere in your carefully worded post did I get a sense of what YOU want. Outside of marriage, what are your hopes and goals? What do you want for you from life? Mr. Lucky what i want is very confusing.... i still want to be with him but i want my marriage to improve... this is partly because he is the only man i have ever been with EVER .....and partly because i always had that notion that you only get married once and marriage is for keeps.... I wonder whether there is anything that i can still do which can help my relationship with H.... i want to try everything coz tomorrow i do'nt want to look back and repent saying " Oh ! if i had done that i could have saved my marriage" as far as culture goes .. yes in my culture there is a kind of stigma attached with divorced women .... but i am not really bothered with that coz my family is very supportive and they do'nt bother what the society thinks.... i have to bear what is in store- the society just makes a mockery of things... but yes in my heart i have this fear that ....if not him then who... what if i meet a man later in life who is just as bad or worse... i have given two years of my life to this man and i want it to work is there anyway that i can get him to love me the way i love him? i have always been a very homely girl... even though i have good education to my credit(i have done my masters in physics... and have always been working ).... but that is not what i want in my life... i do'nt want a craeer i want family... i want to spend the money that i earn on someone i love and care about... i do'nt want to work just for me... P.S. : tommorrow it will be three months exaclty, to the day my daughter left me for a better place,,, i am hoping that my H calls me and we start making amends . Gem Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Oh Gem, I am so sorry you lost your baby girl. Hugs. Now, I'm an independant woman, with nowhere near YOUR brains and smarts. I've been married and divorced twice. Not because I didn't take marriage seriously - I take relationships VERY seriously. Your husband sounds like an *******. Your family sounds wonderful. Yay to your parents! I think you are selling yourself short to be thinking that your husband is a better option to what may await you. What if he's the one getting in the way of you meeting a fabulous man who appreciates, values, and adores you?? And I'm gonna say it - a masters in physics is WAY smarter than an engineer. I was once married to a structural engineer. Legends in their own minds. I don't know your culture at all - is there allowance for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 If the OP is in an arranged marriage, the cultural and familial pressures will be enormous to stay within the marriage. Likely, she was socialized from a very young age that this is "their way", as opposed to Indian families who espouse the "love marriage" philosophy. My condolences on the loss of your child. i have always been a very homely girl... even though i have good education to my credit(i have done my masters in physics... and have always been working ) There is a saying I believe in that "Looks are transient but the heart and the mind is forever". Translated, this means that our physicality changes due to age and environment but our personalities and intellect endure throughout our lives. I personally think that "homely" is something you were socialized with, a message from the outside, and not how you feel inside. i want to spend the money that i earn on someone i love and care about... i don't want to work just for me... There is one answer to Mr. Lucky's question. I'm almost positive there are many more awaiting, but it is exceedingly difficult to pull them up through all the cultural socialization. Is there anyway that i can get him to love me the way i love him? Hard to know. Depends on the man and his life experience. He may not be at a place yet where he can "love" anyone like you want. I think it is possible. You have to decide if you wish it to be your life's work. No one else can decide that for you, much as the word "arranged" might indicate otherwise. The marriage is on the outside (the legal/social commitment), but your emotions are on the inside. Only you can reconcile those factors and their balance. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 i have always been a very homely girl... even though i have good education to my credit(i have done my masters in physics... and have always been working ).... but that is not what i want in my life... i do'nt want a craeer i want family... i want to spend the money that i earn on someone i love and care about... i do'nt want to work just for me...Gem I don't think she meant homely - I think she meant homebody. Gem - I am so sorry for your loss and for all that you are going through. The harsh reality is that it takes 2 to make a relationship work, so if your husband won't meet you half way - I don't see how there is anything you can do to fix the situation. Reality is he should be meeting you 90% of the way, given what he has done. But hey I'm sure you would take half way! Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Ah, thanks for the correction. When she's using English, I hope she remembers the distinction. Homely = unattractive (by others standards) Homebody = Someone who likes "staying at home" or prefers home duties to working out in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gem.gemini Posted February 22, 2008 Author Share Posted February 22, 2008 I don't know your culture at all - is there allowance for divorce? oh yes... we can have divorce... Hindu culture has undergone a sea change and these days it is very common.... well i somehow thought i was never the kind to give up.... i do'nt think it is really my socialization that has made me such but my own attitude... my brother had a love marriage... he is happily married for the last 5 years... my sister in law is great... she is treated just like a daughter in the family... i think you all are right ... i might have to take the hard decission after all... there is no initiative from his side ..... and i know he is kind of man who might get revengeful later.... i do'nt want to be alone on the streets 5 years later... chances are that i will have two kids with me then... that is really scary ... i can take all the rubbish he throws at me but if my kids suffer in the process that i will not be able to bear thanks to all of you... you all have been of great help... please remember my daughter in your prayers .... i hope that God gave her a better home than i could ever give her... stay safe my DD Link to post Share on other sites
Author gem.gemini Posted February 22, 2008 Author Share Posted February 22, 2008 Ah, thanks for the correction. When she's using English, I hope she remembers the distinction. Homely = unattractive (by others standards) Homebody = Someone who likes "staying at home" or prefers home duties to working out in the world. i stand corrected... i meant homebody.... i think i am fairly goodlooking... i have put on some weight since the pregnancy... but i think i will be back in my original shape soon enough ( i m half way there) Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Gem....perhaps your daughter gave you the key to leave. That could have been her gift to you. I mean that with the utmost reverance. Perhaps her message to you was that you were not to be tied to this man. In my culture, for a soul to be finished with her life's work so early, she is very special. You are a smart woman, with a supportive family. How lucky you are. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 23, 2008 Share Posted February 23, 2008 Ah, thanks for the correction. When she's using English, I hope she remembers the distinction. Homely = unattractive (by others standards) Homebody = Someone who likes "staying at home" or prefers home duties to working out in the world. carhill, In other parts of the world, the word "homely" means the same as how Americans use the word "homey." Confusing, I know. I had the same misunderstanding the first time I ran across use of the word in this way, but I believe what the gem.gemini was saying is that despite her career and education, she's always been more of a "homebody" at heart. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 23, 2008 Share Posted February 23, 2008 Yes, my interpreter in Ukraine gave me a similar explanation. Interestingly, I was of great help to her with the nuances of American English, as she interpreted for American execs doing business there. I should know better than to be myopic in my interpretations. The OP was quite patient, I must say, considering the potential insult.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author gem.gemini Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 hi again.... H has started his life again with another woman.... how can he do that inspite of what we have been through....and so soon .... its just been three months since my DD passed away..... i thought i could get him out of my mind considering what all he had done.... but i was still hopeful that he might come to his senses .... now every hope is gone..... what a man ( is he really a man or just a body with EGO and no heart) i hate him Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Oh Gem, he's done you the biggest favour. Now that other poor woman can put up with him. It sets you free. From everything you've said, I'm guessing this relationship has been going on for a while. It certainly explains why he treated you the way he did. You weren't happy. Move on to better things now. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I do think that he has done you a favour by showing you his true nature. I am really, truly sorry for your pain. You don't deserve it. Dealing with the loss of your baby, the loss of your marriage- what a horrible time it has been for you. You should hate him. He deserves your anger and contempt. You are a strong, incredibly intelligent and talented woman who has a whole lot to offer to the world around you. Your ex-husband is a real jerk. A super evil man. I understand your need to make it work because you have grown up believing this was your intended path in life. One thing I have learned is that paths change- life throws us a lot of tests and all of them make us stronger. I can't even imagine what you have endured. Why did you go through the process of all that schooling only to turn around and not use it? I am not religious- but something tells me that this is a clear sign that you have an open opportunity to find your path in life as an independant woman. Figure out who you are as a person, a woman, an individual outside of being a wife, mother and home maker. This jerk of a man has given you an opportunity to shine on your own. You sound as if you have a great support system in your family. He did you a favour. Imagine now finding a life where you can actually fall in love with someone who deserves your energy. You have been through so much. Time to look after yourself and figure out who you are outside of an arranged marriage with a cold, shell of a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gem.gemini Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 From everything you've said, I'm guessing this relationship has been going on for a while. It certainly explains why he treated you the way he did. i don't think he had any relation outside if our marriage but well now he does.... You weren't happy. Move on to better things now. yes...i was'nt happy... but why do i still feel for him... why do i still want things to be better between us... why to i want him to came and talk and sort everthing out.... why do i still want things to workout am i stupid.....i always believed in happy endings and second chances... i guess, not everystory has a happy ending and sometimes we do'nt get second chances.... i do'nt know how to let go and move on... do i really want to move on ?.... i've started working here too... but i cant say that i want that for my life Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Well Gem we've all been through horrific and difficult times, in different ways. Ending a relationship, even if it's for the best, is HARD. The relationship can be really bad but it's familiar, and not as scary as change seems to be. I've ended a marriage to somebody I adored, and it was so hard to walk away from somebody I loved. That marriage was SO toxic, we brought out the worst in each other. Humans don't like change. Change is difficult. But definitely do-able. So you just have to focus on tiny steps for now. Don't be thinking about what you will be doing in 2 years time. Just get through each minute, then each hour, then a day. Then you'll be fine for a week, and a month, and so on. You'll be great for a week and then crash for a day or two again. Just keep stepping forward in tiny steps. Be kind to yourself. Your parents sound like good people - talk to them and let them be there for you. Do you have any close girlfriends, or a sister you can talk to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gem.gemini Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 yes HISLOVE.... its HARD ....really hard.... but i am trying yes... i have a very close friends.... we have ben together for 12 years now... she has been there for me in all good and bad times like i have been for her... we have shared everything in the past.. but this time she knows i am going through a rough patch in life but i have not told her the entire thing... she is expecting her first child... so i do'nt want to upset her i am sure i will get through this... at the moment my family is helping me in every way they can may God bless them Link to post Share on other sites
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